Getting back with an Ex? Am i being used? What should i do?
02-25-2016, 10:54 AM
To start off, let me just clarify the duration and major cost of this breakup first.
The relationship of me and my ex began in September 2015 and finally he dumped me as soon as he found out I'd cheated him with other guys (1 was non-sex, 1 i had sex with) (he found out on roughly the beginning of September 2016) I know, why would i still think he would take me back as I've been unfaithful, lying and cheating, but please let me finished all the story.
So, I was in UK during 27 August 2015 - 28 Oct 2016 to study a master degree. a week since i came to UK, I've start using gay dating app to getting to know new people, in which this is how I've found the first love of my life (Yes, this is my 1st relationship). He was 25, a Brum guy, and I was 24, an Asian, And we are both doing our Master. After chatting for a few days. I've learn that he already spent 2 years in Thailand from 2013-2014, and he planed to come back again in 2016 for work (in which I would also be there). As we do have a future path to see each other again. We've finally agreed to go on a first date, in which we had dinner and then he got sexual with me but as i never had any experiences and we ending up giving each other BJ instead. And after that, we have been swapping text for a few more days, until we both decided to know each other more.
After a few weeks since our 1st date, he invite me over to his house to stay over the night, and also to introduced me to his mom and dad. So, I was a bit hesitate at first cause it just really quick to be at this stage? we aren't even BF official yet. Anyway, I agreed to go and meet his parent and spend a night there, so far everything is going well. After a couple of months of going back and forth between my place and his house (yes, we spent quite a lot of time with each other during weekdays at my place and weekends at his house). On a night at his house, he finally bring the question of why don't I ask him to be his BF yet? or something along those line. I clearly told him straight away that this is my first relationship with anyone, i'm not sure whether it's a good idea for me to be his BF this quickly, ( i don't know 2 months are long enough, and he already had about 5-6 previous relationships before me, however they don't last more than a year for each one,**this is gonna be one important factor later on**.
So, after several hours of him keep asking and pursuing me to tell him let be officially BF, I really still was heisted to say yes as I don't want to risk fuck up the relationship as i'm very new to this thing, but he later told me, if you don't want to be my BF that's fine, It's also fine if you wanna get back to your place right now, I'll take you back. In which i was like 15 minutes to midnight on Sunday night, so I told him it already very late i don't want to, and we just went silent for a while, then I know he's very sad, upset and almost cry. So i just could hold myself and give him to be his BF. (very dramatic story, sorry)
Okay, i think after that, we were in a Honeymoon Phase for 1-2 months if i remember correctly, before i notice something was wrong. So during honeymoon phase, we did had sex, and oral sex somewhat 2-3 times a weeks. i wish at this point i started to realized we are both vers bottom, but he still tried to told me "I think you are a top".
But i insisted i want to try being both top and bottom as i want to experiences both before deciding, so after a few day of night to together, it's obvious to me and him now that we might not be compatible in this area, I know this bother me somewhat as i'm just first experiences sex with anyone and I would also consider myself as high sexual drive at the time, but he is quite the opposite, as he suggested that, he don't get that horny much of the time now, compare to when he was younger.
However, the other aspect of our relationship is going very well (we regularly went for a movies, dinner dates, cooking at his and my place, other normal bf stuff you can think of), the only timed we would spent time apart is when he's when his friends but i do sometime joined him, but not very often as i have and Asian blush, so don't like drinking that much. we're very intimacy to each other almost everyday (hugging, kissing, cuddling) but after New Year had pass, we start to have less SEX with each other (we still express our affection though other way though). And most of the time 8 out of 10, I'm the one who will initiates to have sex. and He just told me he wasn't in the mood because he's tried from university work, but i'm also the same. The other times he would use the excuses of hemorrhoids problem when i offer to be a top. So, I can literally count the time we actually had anal sex, and that number is less then 10 from the start to the end of the relationship. And I've confront him directly about this, asking him "do you still find me sexually attractive?", and the answer is always "Yes" but I very doubtful.
Now things start to get a bit on the downhill after Feb-March as I'd a final exam coming up. and he busy with his work placement. After March-June, we were planing to do a Europe trip together, after I come back to UK in August, (I'll be going back to Thailand for 1.5 months for my dissertation data collecting). So, during there March-June period, I started to feel like maybe he isn't that in love with me anymore? beside, there's another issue of money that do come between us sometime. As he got a student load, he need to save his money in order to get enough of it in order to rent a house to stay in July when my dorm contract ended, and also saving for trip Europe in August and Thailand in 2016. Most of the time, I was very happy to help him financially whenever i can to help him save money, but little did i know, most of the time he ending up used the money he was suppose save to buy clothes that he want. Now, i started to mention to him that, i already let him stay with me rent free, he only need to pay for the groceries, in which i ending up paying most of the time, cause now in the weekend i asked him to stay at his house so that i can be alone, so that i can do my own stuff.
During 15 May - 9 July, which i was back in Thailand, we skype and chat almost everyday. and I got back on the 10th July to give him a happy birth day and move into his new flat, as my old dorm contract is ending soon. (i also at first want to get my own place as i'm afraid, it not a good thing to spend every waking hours together. But if we still do want to make a Europe trip in this Summer, I just had to agreed moving in with him, and I also help split his rent 50-50, and also same the monthly groceries payment. ( I know me bitching about money might seem a bit over the top here, but I didn't come here to burned all my family money on something at could have been save, and I know this was my own fault to let things slide cause I really do want him to be happy, I never thought he was in this cost of my money at all. ) Well, after a week moving in "our" new flat under his tenancy, he really make it a house for us, and i somehow think thing might be better from now on.
This is when the real shit is about to hit the fan. first, our Europe trips was cancelled cause I can't get my dissertation in time and he can't find part time job to get enough money for the trip. Second, our sex live stop completely now. Third, he become a bit weird asking me, have i meet up with anyone when i was back in Thailand? I was a bit mad at first, but just told him no, which is the truth. These have made us become even more further apart, and as he start going to school to get training and preparation for class room in August, I have got noting to do but stay home at the flat working on my dissertation. And This is when i started to actually talking to other guys. As i already been unhappy with my sex life, and i still wanna broaden that part of my life i decided to see other older guy. The first guy just give me a blowjob and done some kinky stuff which i don't like at all, So hurry back to our place as soon as i can get out of there. The second guy, who was also very old, which i choose him because i know i would never have any feeling for him. (And I know all of these excuse I've made make no different what so ever! I had just cheated the first person i really loved, I've just realised now if only we can communicate with each other about what we really want and the problems we had, or should have just put us on a time-out before things went down this part. We might still be together to this day).
There were also other guys who wanted to get in touch with me after the 2nd guy, but I've now realised that those sex really not i was looking for, if I need to go and do it behind my back with my BF and I don't want to be in an open relationship also. I don't know if i'm being confused, or just want to justify and rationalised this in a way that make me feel less guilty about myself? but I sure do as hell, made a terrible mistake that can't be undone and I honestly hope that my BF wouldn't found out about it. But as we all know, one can't keep it as a secret forever, on the 20th of August he ask me for my phone, which i thought was very weird, but a part of me kinda know what's gonna happen. He was going through my phone and read through all chat i had with the other guy. And when he finished, he just went to bed without saying anything at all, then i follow him and try to get him to burst out to me, but all he did is just laying on his side of the bed, crying. So, i know he knew all of it now, just a matter of time for we to talk about it but i decided to wait until the morning to ask him when he sleep though all these bad emotions first as there's no point for me to hurt him even more at this point.
Next morning of 21st August, I've confronted him and he told me he was very shock of what had happen and the thing i did. And at the moment I've totally come clean about everything, and I mean all of it. He was just emotionally numb at first, but later he just become very cold and distance to me. In which, I didn't expected this at all, i thought he was gonna kicked me out of the flat right away. But he finally told me, he couldn't do that to me, as I've already can't go back to my old dorm. For that moment on, I just don't know what to do but to comply to all his wished. Then he decided to go back to stay at his mom places for a day to sort his feeling out and what to do next. The following day, he came back, and told me that he'll try put this be hide us and try to move on, but he not making any promises. In which, i might have also asked him back the fucking worse thing i could have thought of, "my BF name, is the reason you not that made with me now might have been because you also have been talking with other guy?". And as expected, he really got angry and told me back "only you can think that i'm capable of such a thing, cause you're the one that done it. i can't believed you would say that to me."
and I also reply at the time as i got a bit defensive "but we both know, if our sex life is not in trouble, this wouldn't even happen right?" which i knew it was also another mistake.
He reply "Don't you try making me feel guilty about this, this was your own doing". but somehow, until this day, i still insist in my believed that if we were sexually happy, this would happened at all.
Now, as weeks gone by, we just stay in the same flat, but in between us two, we're boyfriends anymore, just friends? or i don't know what to put it as. He then started working on September as school semester open (he teach primary school level), so i spent the day finishing my dissertation with all the pain in my mind of what had happened. this routine continue for a week or two. Then we start going out to the park, had lunch and dinner, we actually act as noting had happened. But I know feel like he now don't really want to be with me anymore, as he would spent most of his day if not with me as we usually did, but gone out to see his friends, family and colleague. I was totally okay with this as i get it would be best to let him focus on himself at the time. So, when October comes, I've decided I would book a flight back to Thailand as I know I really need to give him and myself space to heal. But as soon as I told him the date i'm leaving, he first a bit at shock again, but during the month, we still do go out together a few times, we didn't had sex on our last night together. we do have a few fight with each other, but noting serious, just nagging about being late and etc. ***But during 14-16 Octorber, he told me he was gonna spent a time at his mom ****(this is also the time period i later found out he has already meet up in person with another guy, who he already was talking to since the 27th of September 2015)****. I just found this out on 16 feb 2016. as my friend who was also friend with the other guy got a pictures of his Instagram account of the picture with date of the online dating app text on 27th of September 2015 and the other guy status on the picture on 27th of September 2015 is Fall in love). I know i might be imaging thing, but as i check the date with my chat log with my Ex. It's all confirmed now that on both day, he was supposed to be out with a friend
On the 28th of October, I leave the flat by myself to the airport alone, as we both are very emotional and i hate to see him cry and him to see my cry. But before I leave, he told me he we will see each other again in Thailand, and he also said that he want both of as to be free and resume thing again when he is back to Thailand. I just agreed as i don't have any right to keep him after what i did. As I've got back to Thailand, during November-December, he would texted and called me every day at first, which i always be there for him. and then his frequency of contacting just slowing fade away. And I didn't every initiate contact with him first. Then in January, he texted and called me one day, to get in touch and see how things have been. He ask me whether I've been seeing anyone, i reply "yes, a couple of guy but noting serious as i don't need to be in a relationship at the moment and how i enjoyed a single life." And i ask him the same in return, he told me he was using grinder app, but wasn't really dating anyone. In which, this makes me feel really angry and hurtful. and I directly asked him, "so are we just friends now?", he reply "yeah, if you see us that way". And he then ended the conversation as he going out to the park with the "other guy" with i later found out to be true again.
****Following post would be my texting conversation since we're separated****
The relationship of me and my ex began in September 2015 and finally he dumped me as soon as he found out I'd cheated him with other guys (1 was non-sex, 1 i had sex with) (he found out on roughly the beginning of September 2016) I know, why would i still think he would take me back as I've been unfaithful, lying and cheating, but please let me finished all the story.
So, I was in UK during 27 August 2015 - 28 Oct 2016 to study a master degree. a week since i came to UK, I've start using gay dating app to getting to know new people, in which this is how I've found the first love of my life (Yes, this is my 1st relationship). He was 25, a Brum guy, and I was 24, an Asian, And we are both doing our Master. After chatting for a few days. I've learn that he already spent 2 years in Thailand from 2013-2014, and he planed to come back again in 2016 for work (in which I would also be there). As we do have a future path to see each other again. We've finally agreed to go on a first date, in which we had dinner and then he got sexual with me but as i never had any experiences and we ending up giving each other BJ instead. And after that, we have been swapping text for a few more days, until we both decided to know each other more.
After a few weeks since our 1st date, he invite me over to his house to stay over the night, and also to introduced me to his mom and dad. So, I was a bit hesitate at first cause it just really quick to be at this stage? we aren't even BF official yet. Anyway, I agreed to go and meet his parent and spend a night there, so far everything is going well. After a couple of months of going back and forth between my place and his house (yes, we spent quite a lot of time with each other during weekdays at my place and weekends at his house). On a night at his house, he finally bring the question of why don't I ask him to be his BF yet? or something along those line. I clearly told him straight away that this is my first relationship with anyone, i'm not sure whether it's a good idea for me to be his BF this quickly, ( i don't know 2 months are long enough, and he already had about 5-6 previous relationships before me, however they don't last more than a year for each one,**this is gonna be one important factor later on**.
So, after several hours of him keep asking and pursuing me to tell him let be officially BF, I really still was heisted to say yes as I don't want to risk fuck up the relationship as i'm very new to this thing, but he later told me, if you don't want to be my BF that's fine, It's also fine if you wanna get back to your place right now, I'll take you back. In which i was like 15 minutes to midnight on Sunday night, so I told him it already very late i don't want to, and we just went silent for a while, then I know he's very sad, upset and almost cry. So i just could hold myself and give him to be his BF. (very dramatic story, sorry)
Okay, i think after that, we were in a Honeymoon Phase for 1-2 months if i remember correctly, before i notice something was wrong. So during honeymoon phase, we did had sex, and oral sex somewhat 2-3 times a weeks. i wish at this point i started to realized we are both vers bottom, but he still tried to told me "I think you are a top".
But i insisted i want to try being both top and bottom as i want to experiences both before deciding, so after a few day of night to together, it's obvious to me and him now that we might not be compatible in this area, I know this bother me somewhat as i'm just first experiences sex with anyone and I would also consider myself as high sexual drive at the time, but he is quite the opposite, as he suggested that, he don't get that horny much of the time now, compare to when he was younger.
However, the other aspect of our relationship is going very well (we regularly went for a movies, dinner dates, cooking at his and my place, other normal bf stuff you can think of), the only timed we would spent time apart is when he's when his friends but i do sometime joined him, but not very often as i have and Asian blush, so don't like drinking that much. we're very intimacy to each other almost everyday (hugging, kissing, cuddling) but after New Year had pass, we start to have less SEX with each other (we still express our affection though other way though). And most of the time 8 out of 10, I'm the one who will initiates to have sex. and He just told me he wasn't in the mood because he's tried from university work, but i'm also the same. The other times he would use the excuses of hemorrhoids problem when i offer to be a top. So, I can literally count the time we actually had anal sex, and that number is less then 10 from the start to the end of the relationship. And I've confront him directly about this, asking him "do you still find me sexually attractive?", and the answer is always "Yes" but I very doubtful.
Now things start to get a bit on the downhill after Feb-March as I'd a final exam coming up. and he busy with his work placement. After March-June, we were planing to do a Europe trip together, after I come back to UK in August, (I'll be going back to Thailand for 1.5 months for my dissertation data collecting). So, during there March-June period, I started to feel like maybe he isn't that in love with me anymore? beside, there's another issue of money that do come between us sometime. As he got a student load, he need to save his money in order to get enough of it in order to rent a house to stay in July when my dorm contract ended, and also saving for trip Europe in August and Thailand in 2016. Most of the time, I was very happy to help him financially whenever i can to help him save money, but little did i know, most of the time he ending up used the money he was suppose save to buy clothes that he want. Now, i started to mention to him that, i already let him stay with me rent free, he only need to pay for the groceries, in which i ending up paying most of the time, cause now in the weekend i asked him to stay at his house so that i can be alone, so that i can do my own stuff.
During 15 May - 9 July, which i was back in Thailand, we skype and chat almost everyday. and I got back on the 10th July to give him a happy birth day and move into his new flat, as my old dorm contract is ending soon. (i also at first want to get my own place as i'm afraid, it not a good thing to spend every waking hours together. But if we still do want to make a Europe trip in this Summer, I just had to agreed moving in with him, and I also help split his rent 50-50, and also same the monthly groceries payment. ( I know me bitching about money might seem a bit over the top here, but I didn't come here to burned all my family money on something at could have been save, and I know this was my own fault to let things slide cause I really do want him to be happy, I never thought he was in this cost of my money at all. ) Well, after a week moving in "our" new flat under his tenancy, he really make it a house for us, and i somehow think thing might be better from now on.
This is when the real shit is about to hit the fan. first, our Europe trips was cancelled cause I can't get my dissertation in time and he can't find part time job to get enough money for the trip. Second, our sex live stop completely now. Third, he become a bit weird asking me, have i meet up with anyone when i was back in Thailand? I was a bit mad at first, but just told him no, which is the truth. These have made us become even more further apart, and as he start going to school to get training and preparation for class room in August, I have got noting to do but stay home at the flat working on my dissertation. And This is when i started to actually talking to other guys. As i already been unhappy with my sex life, and i still wanna broaden that part of my life i decided to see other older guy. The first guy just give me a blowjob and done some kinky stuff which i don't like at all, So hurry back to our place as soon as i can get out of there. The second guy, who was also very old, which i choose him because i know i would never have any feeling for him. (And I know all of these excuse I've made make no different what so ever! I had just cheated the first person i really loved, I've just realised now if only we can communicate with each other about what we really want and the problems we had, or should have just put us on a time-out before things went down this part. We might still be together to this day).
There were also other guys who wanted to get in touch with me after the 2nd guy, but I've now realised that those sex really not i was looking for, if I need to go and do it behind my back with my BF and I don't want to be in an open relationship also. I don't know if i'm being confused, or just want to justify and rationalised this in a way that make me feel less guilty about myself? but I sure do as hell, made a terrible mistake that can't be undone and I honestly hope that my BF wouldn't found out about it. But as we all know, one can't keep it as a secret forever, on the 20th of August he ask me for my phone, which i thought was very weird, but a part of me kinda know what's gonna happen. He was going through my phone and read through all chat i had with the other guy. And when he finished, he just went to bed without saying anything at all, then i follow him and try to get him to burst out to me, but all he did is just laying on his side of the bed, crying. So, i know he knew all of it now, just a matter of time for we to talk about it but i decided to wait until the morning to ask him when he sleep though all these bad emotions first as there's no point for me to hurt him even more at this point.
Next morning of 21st August, I've confronted him and he told me he was very shock of what had happen and the thing i did. And at the moment I've totally come clean about everything, and I mean all of it. He was just emotionally numb at first, but later he just become very cold and distance to me. In which, I didn't expected this at all, i thought he was gonna kicked me out of the flat right away. But he finally told me, he couldn't do that to me, as I've already can't go back to my old dorm. For that moment on, I just don't know what to do but to comply to all his wished. Then he decided to go back to stay at his mom places for a day to sort his feeling out and what to do next. The following day, he came back, and told me that he'll try put this be hide us and try to move on, but he not making any promises. In which, i might have also asked him back the fucking worse thing i could have thought of, "my BF name, is the reason you not that made with me now might have been because you also have been talking with other guy?". And as expected, he really got angry and told me back "only you can think that i'm capable of such a thing, cause you're the one that done it. i can't believed you would say that to me."
and I also reply at the time as i got a bit defensive "but we both know, if our sex life is not in trouble, this wouldn't even happen right?" which i knew it was also another mistake.
He reply "Don't you try making me feel guilty about this, this was your own doing". but somehow, until this day, i still insist in my believed that if we were sexually happy, this would happened at all.
Now, as weeks gone by, we just stay in the same flat, but in between us two, we're boyfriends anymore, just friends? or i don't know what to put it as. He then started working on September as school semester open (he teach primary school level), so i spent the day finishing my dissertation with all the pain in my mind of what had happened. this routine continue for a week or two. Then we start going out to the park, had lunch and dinner, we actually act as noting had happened. But I know feel like he now don't really want to be with me anymore, as he would spent most of his day if not with me as we usually did, but gone out to see his friends, family and colleague. I was totally okay with this as i get it would be best to let him focus on himself at the time. So, when October comes, I've decided I would book a flight back to Thailand as I know I really need to give him and myself space to heal. But as soon as I told him the date i'm leaving, he first a bit at shock again, but during the month, we still do go out together a few times, we didn't had sex on our last night together. we do have a few fight with each other, but noting serious, just nagging about being late and etc. ***But during 14-16 Octorber, he told me he was gonna spent a time at his mom ****(this is also the time period i later found out he has already meet up in person with another guy, who he already was talking to since the 27th of September 2015)****. I just found this out on 16 feb 2016. as my friend who was also friend with the other guy got a pictures of his Instagram account of the picture with date of the online dating app text on 27th of September 2015 and the other guy status on the picture on 27th of September 2015 is Fall in love). I know i might be imaging thing, but as i check the date with my chat log with my Ex. It's all confirmed now that on both day, he was supposed to be out with a friend
On the 28th of October, I leave the flat by myself to the airport alone, as we both are very emotional and i hate to see him cry and him to see my cry. But before I leave, he told me he we will see each other again in Thailand, and he also said that he want both of as to be free and resume thing again when he is back to Thailand. I just agreed as i don't have any right to keep him after what i did. As I've got back to Thailand, during November-December, he would texted and called me every day at first, which i always be there for him. and then his frequency of contacting just slowing fade away. And I didn't every initiate contact with him first. Then in January, he texted and called me one day, to get in touch and see how things have been. He ask me whether I've been seeing anyone, i reply "yes, a couple of guy but noting serious as i don't need to be in a relationship at the moment and how i enjoyed a single life." And i ask him the same in return, he told me he was using grinder app, but wasn't really dating anyone. In which, this makes me feel really angry and hurtful. and I directly asked him, "so are we just friends now?", he reply "yeah, if you see us that way". And he then ended the conversation as he going out to the park with the "other guy" with i later found out to be true again.
****Following post would be my texting conversation since we're separated****
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Libra
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Capricorn
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