Lost...isolated...and afraid

[Confuzzled4]

I must tell you, that your post actually brought tears to my eyes because so many people, especially gay and other noncissexual individuals, have felt or do feel the way that you do. Many times I've felt, and occasionally do feel the same way that you do. Your writing reminds me of my own writing, so I would surmise at the expense of surrounding arrogant you are an intelligent young man. The world is a very painful one, but there are so many wonderful things out there: love, science, music, art, nature. All the best things out there are simple and free to experience. It very much would benefit you to at least to talk to someone, preferably in person though it is great that you posted on here, in greater detail about your feelings. Insane has a very negative connotation, depression is simply an illness that many many millions of people experience. Being gay and accepting that is hurting you, but if I had to guess underlying that is an abysmally low self esteem and not being able to see what others who love you see. At the least, you see that I and all these other gentlemen have taken the time to read your post and offer you feedback, so please don't feel as though you're forgotten by the world.

[dwightc]

OK, well, w/e. It is YOUR life after all. Shame to waste it. LOL... like you think you'll get another one?

Not likely.

The way I figure it is like this:

As crazy as it seems, there is a sort of REASON we are born into our lives. IDK how it works exactly. I don't like the idea of "fate" or "karma" or even "soul" for that matter. I don't believe that's it.

I think it is something far weirder. Something more along the lines of quantum entanglement. Basically it boils down to this: We're born into the universe and 'recreate' the universe through our perceptions of it. The universe we experience exists to us as long as we do. When we're gone, 'it' is gone. But of course, not exactly. It goes on in the lives of all the other 'idiots' that exist (wherever, whenever they may be in the whole big fucking universe). The universe they experience is both the same and not the same as the one we do. So it goes on but we know nothing about that. To us it is no more because WE are no more.

And then it happens. We're re-born and the universe exists. Why? Because ONCE it has had the existential audacity TO exist, it cannot NOT exist. Every moment is, in a sense, eternal.

And as weird as that is, that isn't all there is to it because its existence isn't limited by time and space. IOW, there are an infinite number of parallel universes with "ME" in them... precisely because THAT universe can not exist without ME in it to give it its absoluteness of BEING EXPERIENCED. Without that 'experiencing', for all intents and purposes, it does't exist at all.

BUT because it DOES exist it can not ever NOT exist.

I don't know if you follow that.

So... lets say I stick a gun in my mouth and blow my brains out. My best friend did that a few years ago, BTW. Really pissed me the fuck off... but that's another story.

The way I look at it is, If I DO that, then, well, nothing really happens. Yeah that "me" and that "universe" I was aware of is gone. BUT... because there are infinite parallel universes, I STILL exist.... and... all the things that make me, ME... which has to include all the pain and angst <<< (be sure to look up if you aren't familiar with the concept)... pain and angst that I identify with as being MY OWN. My own personal hell on Earth.

Bottom line, as an exit strategy, Suicide does NOT work. I pull the trigger but as soon as I do the whole thing is set to GO again. That little sperm gets shot out of my daddies pecker, fertilizes my mother's egg... and the whole damn phylogeny recapitulating phylogeny starts all over again. Remember, because it has existed, it cannot not exist.



So... what that means is, you HAVE to change it at some point. NOT doing so isn't even an option. You have to. Why? BECAUSE that IS the only way "out". CHANGING YOUR REALITY really is the only way to change your reality. You can't just turn it off like a light switch or a TV show. It's always "ON". It isn't even up to some nonexistent god-like being to change our reality. It's all up to YOU and I. US.

So. W/e. You come, you go. Someone else takes your place. IT goes on. IT GOES ON... as the Beatles once said: Within you and Without you:

(PUT YOUR EAR BUDS IN OR YOUR HEAD PHONES ON AND TURN IT UP, WAY UP! YOU AREN'T GOING TO WANT TO MISS THIS!)

you're words are so descriptive and real and hits me in a place that puts me in utter silence! You want me to look into the mirror and repeat: "I'm Gay and Proud!" Over again until I faint from crying? I'll try it.
I didn't know that if you killed your self, you'd be reborn through some other couple...
sounds like a cult story, good for my next. (Another reason to keep living)
What's even stranger is what I refer to as "The darker half" in my posts, is what gave me life. Not my mom and dad. My mom and dad gave the Darker half life, and that darker half took the one good part of its soul and placed into another human form on the other side of the mirror it looks into: Me.

[kindy64]

I guess its safe to say, I want to be alone. I can't connect with people in this world. Things were better when I was quiet, but now that I've spoken out, it feels like a constant pain all over. Like have something worse to worry about. There was the reason I was so hesitate about saying anything here. I new it wasn't right for me to do it, knowing I wasn't going to take the advice. I know, stubborn I am. Everyone is so confident and comfortable who they are. I'll never feel that way. I must wait for the worst to happen before any "change" may happen.

I am sorry for wasting your, and everyone else's time, you all gave so much good advice and I refused to take it. Shameful for I to do so, but I have thing of doing that.

HA, I'm not at all confident with who I am. I'm always second guessing what I'm doing in my relationship, at work, life in general. I look at my body and say, god I need to lose weight. I see the hint of my fathers face in the mirror, which annoys the shit out of me. I no longer see the hideous young man that used to stare back at me, which is a good thing. But then I look at old photos of myself, and I finally think, I wish I would have had this amount of self-confidence.

My inner critic (look it up) runs rampant most of the time, but I'm getting better at ignoring it. Using it to spur change in myself, rather than getting depressed at the thoughts in my head telling me I'm no good.

Am I comfortable with who I am, no, I'm more cynically resigned to who I am. I can change if I really make the effort to. 20 years living with diabetes has at least let me control my weight to some extent.

And yet, despite all my negativity about myself, I have a gorgeous boyfriend who wants to make a life with me. I feel more like who I want to be, an alt/indie music, RPG, video game, car loving guy who can't get enough science fiction to save his life.

You aren't as alone as you think. You are connecting with people here.

Life isn't a destination, it's a journey. Plans change along the way.

[dwightc]

HA, I'm not at all confident with who I am. I'm always second guessing what I'm doing in my relationship, at work, life in general. I look at my body and say, god I need to lose weight. I see the hint of my fathers face in the mirror, which annoys the shit out of me. I no longer see the hideous young man that used to stare back at me, which is a good thing. But then I look at old photos of myself, and I finally think, I wish I would have had this amount of self-confidence.

My inner critic runs rampant most of the time, but I'm getting better at ignoring it. Using it to spur change in myself, rather than getting depressed at the thoughts in my head telling me I'm no good.

Am I comfortable with who I am, no, I'm more cynically resigned to who I am. I can change if I really make the effort to. 20 years living with diabetes has at least let me control my weight to some extent.

And yet, despite all my negativity about myself, I have a gorgeous boyfriend who wants to make a life with me. I feel more like who I want to be, an alt/indie music, RPG, video game, car loving guy who can't get enough science fiction to save his life.

You aren't as alone as you think. You are connecting with people here.

Life isn't a destination, it's a journey. Plans change along the way.

I-I want to believe that, I do believe that, but the situation and environment I'm in just won't allow me to show it. How ever long I stay in this place, nothing's gonna change, but its not like I can just hip hop and leave. That'll only make things worse. But when I do leave, I'll know that I'll be free, free from the pain.
I live on a scale with this darker half. Constantly balancing its hate. I mean, I screamed at a little girl to get out of my way for no reason! Is that horrible or what?!