Are sex and men just not important enough for me?

[Aquarius]

I don't know anymore.
In summary for those who don't know me, I'm 40, gay, virgin despite being out for nearly 2 decades, having lots of gay friends and been to lots of gay/friendly parties.
I "suffer" from a hormonal condition that delayed my physical development by 5-10 years, so that's why I still look like around 30. Do the maths, when I was 25, I looked like a teenager.

Anyway, back then I didn't fully understand the social / sexual effects.
From 25-30 there was a phase when I thought I was ugly. From 30-35 there was a phase when I thought I'm too old to begin with "kiddie stuff". From 35-40 I was damn sure I "just" have a sex phobia. Now I don't know anymore at all. Maybe it's all not important enough for me?
I'm a quite unsexual person I guess, I feel turned off by sexual talk, yeah I do want sex (I guess), but it's nowhere near my priorities. When I see a guy I get the fantasy to cuddle with him, to kiss him, to spend some time with him, but sexual things aren't on my mind, at least not on the surface. Is there something wrong with me?

How could I ever be "enough" for the average guy if I can't deliver what he is used to get from other men? I guess I would like to spend some sexual time with a guy I like and I'm attracted to, but it never is important enough for me to "arrange" it, and I having lived on this planet for 40 years I'm pretty much sure it needs to be arrranged, if it's supposed to happen...

Though then, when I don't "arrange" anything, I will turn 50, 60, 70, 80 if I'm lucky, die, maybe sooner, maybe later, lonely, as a virgin.

It's easy enough to get kinda satisfied from porn and masturbation, and the sex isn't my priority in guys anyway. I just don't know how to find a "match". It seems like everyone else is so much more sexual, more willing to take risks, more eager to get sex, while I'm just rolling my eyes at it mostly. Also my libido is so low (also due to my hormonal issues) that only the hottest 5% of the guys do anything to me.

I kinda lost orientation

[LJay]

I would go to your doctor and discuss the hormonal and growth issues with particular reference to your sexual feelings. I would ask the doctor to recommend a good therapist who can work through your feelings about this and help you to be yourself without reservations. Life is complex and we are not all alike. What is important is that you achieve your own desires and have a satisfying life in whatever way is appropriate for you.

[MikeW]

....Maybe it's all not important enough for me?

Maybe. Maybe not.

Is there something wrong with me?

You acknowledge you have a medical condition, right? Is that "wrong"? It is what it is. The question is what can, and what do you want to do about it. Even whether or not men/sex is important "enough" to you can be hormonally related, right?

Also my libido is so low (also due to my hormonal issues) that only the hottest 5% of the guys do anything to me.

I kinda lost orientation

Well, again, libido is hormonal, right?

So, IDK... I'm not a Dr, much less an Endocrinologist. I assume you have one, right? Have you discussed these issues with him or her?

From a statistically "normal" POV, it is not normal to have a low libido, or to be so disinterested in sex you never want to even bother having sexual experiences. That said, it is "normal" for you. Right? So... from the POV of your own hormones there isn't anything wrong with you. But obviously you're feeling uncertain about yourself or you wouldn't even be coming here, asking this question. So....

The real question as I see it is what do you want. Second question is, can you have it? This second question is something you need to discuss with your Endocrinologist and very possibly a psychologist or psychiatrist. I say that not because I think you're "crazy" or anything like that but because from reading your previous posts it is clear to me you have personal issues. Self worth issues, for one thing. These may ALSO be hormonally related.

So, IDK... I don't know what you really want and what is possible for you. We all have to learn to live within the limits of what is possible for us and try to find happiness within those limits.

[Borg69]

Sex isn't just a physical activity and penetration leading to orgasm. Granted there should ideally be attraction, but there should also be chemistry, trust, lust, love, intrigue, interest, infatuation, compassion, ... and a whole slew of emotions that go with it.

Perhaps what you're feeling is remorse, fear, insecurity, intimidation, ... and at 40 there probably is some decline in sexual urges. That certainly isn't to say that you shouldn't attempt to be intimate with someone.

[Darius]

Hi Aquarius. You mention porn and masturbation. How often do you do that? Do you need it to get horny or do you get horny and then view porn and jack off?
I can't help but wonder if part of your problem is not having that close physical contact with a man.
Maybe once that happens, your libido will open up.
Have you ever been romantic with a guy? I wonder if the idea of sex is alien to you because you haven't gone at least that far
I don't think the desire to be close to a guy, cuddly and intimate is unusual. I think it shows that you want more than just sex. That's good thing.
You mentioned sex talk turning you off. When did you experience that?.

[Pix]

For what it's worth, I had delayed puberty (female here). It's complicated to explain (and a doctor had a lot to say about it to my grandmother), but I did not fully enter into puberty and remain through it until I was 17. Adding to the strangeness, I had a weird growth spurt (just a couple of inches taller, but noticeable, and finally got curves and bigger breasts than before) when I was 22 (starting when I was late 21).

It's unclear what caused this to happen. But whatever the case I've always had a low sex drive. Even the "hottest" won't turn me on (though I can admire them as I would a fine statue), it takes more than that to spark my lusts.

That said, I was intensely curious about sex, and tended to find sex talk interesting or amusing, rather than a turn off (of course I could be creeped out or disturbed, but it wasn't my usual reaction). I even experimented with my primary motive being curiosity and/or affection (or even pity), going along with someone else's desires. I've found it ironic that I seem to have a much weaker sex drive than many women, yet I'm also a lot more open minded and less disgusted by the whole thing, all generally speaking.

I say this because I'm confident my low sex drive isn't psychological. And it may not be for you either, but if talking about it bothers you a lot, then it COULD be (and you asked). But then the general rule of thumb is if it's not negatively impacting your life (not to include the impact of jerks who lash out or shun anyone different from them) then it should not be considered a problem.

I'll also mention that even when I'm not in a sexual relationship, I'm not lonely. I do have friends who fill that spot for me, and pets are great for that as well. Interesting enough, I once comforted a guy because he was more heartbroken when his cat of 15 years died than when his relationship with the love of his life came to screeching halt (both were devastating, but he apparently loved his cat more). There are many kinds of love, and if lust isn't compelling you to mate, then those other types of love ( examples ) should fulfill your loneliness, perhaps even better than a lover.

[Insertnamehere]

You've mentioned you have a condition, and I think there's the reason for your low sex drive. Messed up hormones leave messed up traits sometimes.

Is this particular trait that you have a bad thing? Unless there's some other side effect, I'd say no.

(You could go see an Endocrinologist, mainly to discard potentially dangerous side effects of this condition

You're not the only person out there who roams on the asexual side, although, granted, the cases are not numerous.

What I think you can do when trying to date, is first finding someone who appeals to you on an emotional level, cause you seem to crave that and I can tell you not a few folks out there crave the same. When you connect with someone on that level sex is no longer the only thing that drives him.

The rest is compromise, which is something that everyone needs to do, you get plenty of cases, I bet, in which one partner has a lower sex drive than the other.

[subdivisions]

I have a similar condition... I can't deliver the sex that most guys want. I don't like anal penetration, not good with oral either... I just want cuddles and romance. So I remain single for that reason.