Should I tell him this important thing?

[Anonymous]

Something has happened in my life I need an advice about and it’s connected with my family. My aunt has never been a very rational woman to begin with, what probably generated from her family issues. For some reasons she is unable to have children of her own and my grandmother told that she was very frustrated about it when she was younger and she was obsessed with having a child. She visited hundreds of doctors and used hundreds of medication and nothing helped her. Her husband divorced her because of this. She even did something that I still cannot fully understand. I’m the fourth and the last child in my family and when I was born, aunt was trying to persuade my mum to give me to her. She has been all like „you already have three children, give this one to me”. Of course, my mum sent her to hell and they have quite bad relationship since. So in the end she adopted a boy from the orphanage and finally calmed down. This boy then became our cousin and my parents forbade my siblings and me to tell him that he’s adopted, they said that only our aunt can do it.

My siblings never really accepted him, because they don’t feel him as a part of our family. But me and him, we became great friends and we were inseparable when we were children. We’re approximately the same age, I’m 26 and he’s 25 now and we’re very close even though we’re not real cousins. He was the first person I told I’m gay and I received the biggest support that any gay person has ever received. We've shared so many things that sometimes it even feels like we’re biologically related.

We never talked about his being adopted and actually I was waiting for him to tell me about it one day, so that we could discuss it. Years went by and he never spoke about it and I thought that maybe it’s too personal and he doesn't want to share it. And now few days ago we met and he told me that he has received some information that his mother is not actually his mother, and he asked me if I knew something about it. Then I realized my aunt had never told him that he’s adopted and it seems like she’s not even going to do it, because I asked him if he had spoke with his mother about it. He said he has, she’s denying everything and she’s claiming she is his real mother. Basically, she’s lying to him. He was quite desperate and I promised him I’ll try to find out something from my mum. We’ll see each other again the day after tomorrow and I don’t know what to do. I know he’s waiting very much and he was like „please, try to find out something, it’s very important for me”.

I would feel terrible if I had to lie to him. But do you think I've any rights to tell him the truth? Or should it be done by aunt?

[TwisttheLeaf]

The easy way out is to suggest he get a DNA test done.

[Bhp91126]

My first, immediate reaction is to tell him the truth. He has heard rumors and his adoptive mother is not coming clean for whatever reason. As you're both adults now you can make your own decisions and you're no longer bound by what your parents told you when you and your siblings were kids. Tell him that you've always known and it didn't make a difference to you and that you will be there for him.

There is absolutely nothing shameful about being adopted, only lying about it is so.

[meridannight]

first of all, your aunt has obvious psychological issues and she should see a doctor/therapist about that. not just the fact that she is adamantly lying to his face and her obsessive behavior, but the fact that she tried to get your mother to give you up as her child. that is a behavior of the mentally imbalanced .

second, you already have lied to the guy who was adopted. he asked you straight up if you knew anything about it and you said you will go and see if you can find something out about it. it's a straight up lie. the right answer would have been ''i know but i am not allowed to say anything, please talk to your mother''.

he does have the right to know, but it is also true that it is not your business to tell him. and what your aunt is doing right now, lying into his face is much much worse than admitting he was adopted. he might even start hating her for that.

since he's suspecting things already it's only a matter of time till he finds out the truth. he WILL. that's a fact. considering the mental state of your aunt though, when he finds out that could throw her into some manic fit or cause other psychological problems for her. so before he is told that he is adopted he has to be made aware of that potential. the major point is -- your aunt need psychological help. and your friend has a right to know this major detail about his life, he will find out sooner or later. it's only a genetic test away.

[Steve]

You're of age now. In possession of facts you knew nothing about until this point in time (you now know that your aunt has never told him the truth, and even now is actively lying to him), my belief is that you probably should tell him the whole story, including your reasons for not telling him all these years. Include your hesitation concerning why you didn't tell him when he pointedly asked you for the truth. It is a big, multifaceted, very emotional event and he has to be made to understand that you needed time to think about what to do. I don't think you lied to him. You were placed in an immediate decision situation that involved a moral dilemma on your part, and broad scale emotional implications for everyone. Asking him to realize that you panicked, and needed time to process the right course of action is not unreasonable.

Remaining silent at this stage, when he is asking you to confirm a truth, when he is asking for additional information about the situation, is in effect being complicit with the aunt's lies. You have become a close friend to him. He may feel like you betrayed him in the short term. In the long term I suspect he will understand your position.

Let me put it this way: If you were in his shoes how would you feel about it? Would you want the truth? Would you understand his position if you were made aware of all the information?

Meridannight, brings up a good point. Your cousin should be made aware of, and be prepared for, whatever action your aunt may want to pursue. I am not a medical professional, but based upon your description of the situation and your aunt's behavior, your aunt's obsession has become pathological self delusion. Although this is conjecture on my part, most likely at this point all these many years later, she has completely split from reality and truly believes herself to be his biological mother. If this is the case there is no way to know what her reaction will be when her adopted son knows the truth and she realizes it. It could be resignation and discussion, or it might involve something more radical. Your cousin should be prepared for any reaction, from mild to violent.

I hope I have given you another perspective, and food for thought. Good Luck.

[BlueStar]

Since you've always been so close to him I assume you know how he'll react when he finds out the truth. He surely will be shocked, if you decide to tell him by yourself anyway, make sure you tell him every bit of details, including every mental issue your aunt has. Then he should get a clearer sense on how to confront his adoptive mother, without rushing into too much emotions and overreaction, and go easy on her psychological troubles.

Listen to Stevie's advice.

Better tell him ASAP before he knows the truth and hates you because you'd have kept a critical secret for his entire life.

Good luck, my heart is with you

[Cuddly]

How old was he when he was adopted? Seemingly he doesn't remember anything before, right? So he must've been very young. That means that he has been your cousin for almost all of your life. DNA similarities are not a necesity for family relations! He IS your cousin...

As for telling him; it kind of sucks that you've known for all this time, because he may feel betrayed that nobody ever told him, but everybody always knew. Imagine being him, that must suck.

Truth be told, I often wonder if I'm actually my father's son, because our physical appearances are so very different, coupled with the fact that both my parents have blue eyes and I have brown, which is unlikely to happen, as the DNA-code for the blue eyes is recessive (meaning it would give way for the brown eye gene, if they were to be present in the same genome).
But I don't want to know. My dad has always been my dad and finding out that that isn't the case wouldn't mean anything to me. He would still be my dad, to me.

This cousin of yours wants to know, which is understandable. I agree that it's the aunt's place to tell him, but where does that leave you when he asks you? Well, you can't lie to your dear friend, but you also cannot go against your crazy aunt's wishes. In my opinion, your friendship trumphs your crazy aunt's wishes. If he asks you straight up, you should tell him the truth and why he hasn't been told sooner, with the entire sad story about his mum being unable to have children of her own etc..

[wayward]

I suggest you tell him the truth. It is hard to face a deception, but it is even harder to endure a prolonged one. He is going to be asking questions involving the word why, and he is going to need someone loyal to help him through this life's transition. He trusts you. Honor that trust.

[Bowyn Aerrow]

I would tell him the truth, the whole truth, just as you outlined it here. Not starting with 'yeah your adopted' but start out with the tale of the woman who could not bear children.

I get where she is coming from on all aspects here. Her husband left her because she wasn't a woman - that is what infertility meant back in the day. And still today with many men.

She wanted a child, desperately, and each and every failed attempt drove her obsession further to get a child.

Now she has one, but she is terrified she will lose him.

Thus the lie she tells.

He needs to know this, and then he can proceed from there on how to deal with this.


My suggestion to him is let it go, don't bring it up to her. Simply because I suspect that she may take his knowing very badly. I have no idea what her state of mind is, but such a thing as her son telling her he knows he is adopted and then accusing her of lying and everything could be one of those things that push her over the edge like suicidal edge....

He needs to know the whole truth here - not just that he was adopted.

And yes its not going to be pleasant to be the bearer of this sort of news. you know your aunt a bit better and you can most likely paint a better sympathetic (For her) story.

[meridannight]

Truth be told, I often wonder if I'm actually my father's son, because our physical appearances are so very different, coupled with the fact that both my parents have blue eyes and I have brown, which is unlikely to happen, as the DNA-code for the blue eyes is recessive (meaning it would give way for the brown eye gene, if they were to be present in the same genome).
..

i'd like to point out that a brown-eyed offspring is not an unlikely outcome of two blue-eyed parents. eye color is determined by at least 15 different genes in humans. it is not as simple as one gene being the recessive and the other the dominant one.

since i am too lazy to type out the physiology behind this i looked up a decent article on the internet:

http://www.eyedoctorguide.com/eye_genera...etics.html