Racist co-worker

[Ammon]

Why does it bother me that my boyfriend says hi to a co-worker who is a proud racist who hates my kind.

Me and my boyfriend work at the same company but in different departement, only at break and lockerroom I see my bf. and I told him that this guy at work is an abvious racist. He says hi to everyone of my team but when I say hi he ignores it like I don't excist. This guy works in another team so we only see him if we are done with work.

2 months ago my boyfriend worked 1 day with him and this racist told him that he hates my kind.

My bf knows what I've endured as a kid with racists and yet when we go home my bf waves to him and says hello.
I kind of feel betrayed by this. Offcource i don't expect him to argue with him or do/say anything special.

But for god sakes atleast don't shout out to him, I also wouldn't mind if the racist said hi first. Because it's only normal to respond back but when the racist back is turned then that pisses me off a bit.. Also the racist happens to know we live together and yet I don't understand how he is unashamed to say to my bf " I'm a racist"

My way of thinking is if someone truly hates the excistence of my bf, please don't talk to me because hating my bf is hating me... Or am I alone in this way of thinking?

[Darius]

Have you talked to your bf about this? I can understand you feeling betrayed by him doing this.
Is he attracted to him? Does he think he can change his mind somehow? Is it impossible for him to not be friendly? You might know this if you talk to him about it. Let us know what he says.

[Emiliano]

[MENTION=21957]Darius[/MENTION] asked the important question - Have you had a serious conversation with your boyfriend about this and exactly how you feel about it?

Basically, you don't need to deal with some guy's micro-aggressions if its to the point of you feeling uncomfortable around him or disliking the fact your boyfriend talks to him. However - you have to be willing to stand up for yourself, regardless of whether or not your boyfriend is willing to change his relationship / interactions with him.

Next time you say "Hi" to this guy and he ignores you, repeat yourself. Be like, "Oh maybe you didn't hear me, _____(whatever his name is), I just said hi. How are you today?" Don't allow him to sit comfortably in a moment when he has made you uncomfortable. Stay friendly, take the higher road, but make it uncomfortable for him. If he doesn't respond, maybe turn to the person closest to you, in his hearing rage, and ask them if they can see or hear you. Make a joke about how this guy is ignoring you, how you find it rude. You deserve to make your feelings known, and he deserves to be embarrassed for what is unprofessional behavior in the work place.

The other way to handle it that I'd suggest, especially if your boyfriend refuses to change his interactions with him, is to engage in the conversations between him and your boyfriend. Tell your boyfriend, hey lets walk over and talk to him. Let's invite him out for a drink or for lunch or whatever. When you've got your boyfriend with you, when you are within hearing distance of the guy, say something like, "Im glad you got his attention, this guy wont even say hi to me at work" and laugh about it. Again, make him feel uncomfortable.

At worst, you are inserting yourself into his space, into his comfort zone, and forcing him to interact with you rather than continuing to ignore you. At best, you are giving him an opportunity to get to know you and possibly shift his perceptions about you and your race.

But don't let him silence you or make you feel like you have no option but to deal with his shit. Take that kind of control over the situation and the interactions away from him.

And again, keep your interactions as positive and friendly as you can, so that you're not giving him a legit reason to be rude or to ignore you.

[LJay]

Your boyfriend's politeness toward the racist fellow may be a way of reminding the racist that he is your boyfriend and intends to sty that way whether the racist likes it or not. Your best course is to be polite and to never have it be said that you did not act like a gentleman.

[Insertnamehere]

You would have to talk about this with him if it really bothers you.

He can remain polite to him due to a number of things, most important one that comes to mind is this:



To be fair, saying "hi" amounts to nothing significant, really. But that's me.

You will do good taking this concern to him and hear what he has to say about it.

And if this guy is acting on his racism, there are laws for that...I think (dunno Belgian legislation)

[Ammon]

Hey guys thans for the advice.
I did talk to him about it.

I told him when we got home.
I said "I didn't want to say anything but it bothered me that you actually shout out to him to say hi"

And he responded "what??? I don't think I need permission to talk to anyone!"

Me: Did I say you need permission? I'm only saying it bothered me.. and you know how he is towards me"

Him: So because someone hates you I have to hate him??

Me: No, someone who hates my kind and hates my whole excistence, hates who you love and lives with you, that should ring a bell in your head and think hm.. this guy doesn't deserve my attention."

Him: Oh so that means i should ignore almost everybody who hates your kind

-_- ignorance pfff

[Sylph]

I'm probably far too confrontational for this sort of scenario;

Because while we dont really have tense racial relations with one another, being a multiracial and t an extent multicultural island, cohabitation is the norm;


But to allow someone to, as we say "Have a one Uppance" on you, is a severe no no.

It was mentioned before, quite eloquently I thought; that you should confront this thing you're having issues with at work, even if it's diplomatic (which goes against my grain), because people like tht need to See and Hear what you have to say and feel about that.

I'm not gonna say do something like physically reprimand him, but get in his face a lil and show your spine.

You are absolutely correct about your Boyfriend having your back, but you should be fully able to defend yourself and take matters into your own hands to deal with issues affecting you. Your boyfriend didn't come into this world with or for you and so it's a lil unfair to just expect him to go to war for you(proverbially speaking).

That's just me tho.

I'd defend my boyfriend, but I'd definitely need him to show me he's also capable of handling himself when I'm not around or when I feel like it's a issue he has to defend (such as his race).


I've had to do it, being; Gay, Black/Creole/Mixed, Caribbean, Feminine, all that.

And for me, it has probably made me a lil combative in certain scenarios such as this one;

But I none the less believe expressing yourself, is not a sign of belligerence or lack of "class" but a way of solidity in your own identity and way of life.

[Ammon]

Hi Sylph,

I agree on the fact that he doesn't need to "fight my battles"

It's not that the guy in question is doing anything wrong, because he doesn't say a word and let me just add this as "why the racist is a racist"

He told my partner that the reason to being a racist is because in his ex job there was a new guy (who is originated from my country) who after months got promoted and he didn't...

Really? ... -_-

@insertamehere My bf will not get fired because of an a-hole who works there for 4 years. My bf works there for 22 years.

Anyway I'd love to see Karma visit

And @ Darius to answer your question, I don't think he has a crush on him, who knows right? But even if he had a crush on him I'd stay confident that he'd be downgrading himself.. :p

[Insertnamehere]

Well, he is right, you can't control what he does.

You are right, though, in expecting some form of support from him in this matter, racism is not a simple "I don't like you".

But, is it a serious situation right now?

Maybe he is not fully aware of how serious a thing it can turn into. For the moment, though, these guy's actions are hardly of any relevance to your life, unless you somehow find it a big deal that people don't say hi to you. You can take action if he goes beyond simple unpleasantries, of course.

And in that moment, I sure hope your BF has your back.

[Darius]

At the very least, your bf is showing tremendous insensitivity to you. That is not a good sign for your relationship.

Frankly, I am of the attitude that "if you hate my bf, you hate me". This is not about your co-worker disliking you for personality reasons, he is a racist and that should bother your bf.