Advice about my straight friend

[Buffy]

Hello, guys,

I'm new here in this site. I've never posted before in a gay-friendly community, so I'm excited to be here. I'm not yet out of the closet, but I have known I am gay since I was a child.

Anyway, the advice I seek from you guys is about my straight friend. I say 'straight' because that's what she always says she is and I respect that.

We've been friends for three years now and I never came out to her. I've always been really attracted to her, so I suppose she must have noticed the way I look at her, because a few months back she kissed me when I was sleeping over at her house. Ever since that kiss, we've been making out, but always hidden from everyone else.

I've tried talking to her about sexual orientation and about us, but she always takes the subject lightly, joking around about it. I really like her a lot as more than friends, and I tried telling her this, but she freaked out about it, saying she wasn't gay. So I told her I didn't want us to be making out anymore. A couple days after I told her this, she showed up at my house crying saying she was sorry. She said she really liked being with me and kissing me, but that she was definitely straight. After this day, we've started taking things further in our "relationship" sexually speaking.

Even though I love it and I feel like I love her as well, I still feel like this is torture sometimes. I feel really conflicted about this. I know I haven't come out to anyone else yet, so what bothers me isn't that we do things hidden, it's the fact that she won't even admit to me her true feelings. When we're at school, we act as just friends, and when we're around our group of girl friends, she chats about boys and who she thinks is cute, and it really bothers me.

I would really appreciate any advice.

[VirgoMasquerade]

Ok, Sounds like this chick is unsure about her sexuality. She will have to figure that out herself and that's not much a person can do to help her on. My advice is for you to be there with her to help when the questions starts flying and she isn't sure what to do. As for the kissing part.... Im not sure, But if i were you i'd quit till she was ready to say what she truly likes

[TigerLover]

Maybe she's bisexual?
You could try raising that with her even if it turns out that she's gay, alot of gay people find that an easy middle step to accepting their sexuality.

[Insertnamehere]

She's not straight. Bi or gay, whatever, but she's not straight.

The problem here, my dear, is that she is in denial.

Get out of this before you get hurt, cause that is exactly what will happen if you keep this up.

You can't do anything else unless she accepts her feelings and that is something she needs to do on her own., no one can do that for her.

[Pix]

Unfortunately, she's not willing to admit it, and may not even be psychologically able to do so. It takes guts at any age to come out in most places, especially as a teen. Her church, parents, some imaginary god in her mind, could all make her unable to admit to it as well, that is she fears (consciously or not) her very survival would would be endangered if she did (and maybe it literally would--rare, but not unknown--in which case her denial is similar to Stockholm Syndrome). Her body (and probably heart) is driving her in one direction but her brain in another. If you try to force it, it could easily cause her to lash out at you in an especially hateful way.

Likewise, if her parents ever catch her at it...well she could say anything to convince them she was a victim of your seduction and manipulation.

It's a common enough story (at least it used to be). I was with a girl similar to this when I was a teen (she said we were "just practicing" for guys) and she never said otherwise (she died at 15 so she didn't get much of a chance). Plenty of others have shared similar stories with me of their ready to be openly gay with someone else who wasn't even willing to admit to it (yet couldn't stop actually doing it, either, at least not until busted for it).

Just don't believe it's the end of the world if it doesn't turn out well. As much as it seems otherwise, others will come along that you feel a similar and even better connection with. Many of us have been where you are today.

OTOH, if you do give her time, she MIGHT finally admit to her desires sooner rather than later. That probably depends on what kind of school you go to, what kind of family she has, and things like that. I suppose if I were in your place, I might burn a CD (I don't know if that's still done, especially in this day of free downloads, but it means recording music and giving it to a friend or love interest to show love for them, be it platonic or passionate), perhaps some "safe songs" (that fit with it) to go with this one:




She - Jen Foster

I've heard it said so many times
Love is blind
So, why are you staring?
You say that love is all we need, well
Does that apply to me?
'cause I have found someone
That I think is beautiful
And I have fallen in love
And I'm telling you,
She means everything to me
She makes me feel nothing else matters,
Not even what the world thinks of me.

They told me when I was a little girl
"love's a pearl,
You're lucky if you find it"
So, share that precious beauty with the world.
Now, suddenly they say I've got to hide it,
But I have found true love
And there is nothing you can do.
Just try and stop me, just try and stop us,
Good luck to you!
'cause she
Means everything to me, she
Makes me feel nothing else matters,
Not even what the world thinks of me.

It's simple as can be
I love her, she loves me!
This is what everybody dreams of,
There's nothing to be afraid of
There's nothing to be afraid of
After all, it's only love

'Cause she
Means everything to me
She makes me feel nothing else matters,
not even what the world thinks of me

Btw, one of those movies featured in the vid is Lost and Delirious about a girl in your sitch. I must warn you (as I'd want to be warned, though I know others wouldn't want even to know this much before seeing it) the ending is a punch in the gut...I saw it when I was about 20 and thought a lot of it was brilliant, but I never could watch it again because of the ending. It didn't have to end that way. But if you watch romantic dramas with her then you might consider getting her to see this with you...it could get her to thinking about if it's worth it living a lie. Just don't expect her to realize she needs to come out after (and don't use it imply anything), just hope that it gets her to think rather than running away from from her feelings for you. Here's the trailer:

[gyhr]

She could be going through a number of things. A homo-erotic sexual awakening? Maybe? She could like you mentally/spiritually, but not sexually. Maybe she's straight leaning. Maybe she's bi. Maybe she's in denial.
Who knows.

I've had this issue a number of times, and it's kind of really skewed my perception. That kind of mixed signal situation can have an affect on you, so I would firstly recommend you take the steps you need to take for yourself in the coming out process, regardless of your relationship with her.

I don't know about you, but I carried this romantic notion that the coming out process instantly gets you a companion -- I watched a lot of TV. It doesn't. And even if she turns out to be a lesbian, that still doesn't mean it would work out for you.

Your health and sanity is what is important here. Your relationship with yourself and your truth are what's important. Do not let her confusion confuse you.

And you might need to tell her that. Tell her that she needs to figure herself out. It's not your responsibility to guide her self discovery.

Hope this helps.
You got it.
You're a boss; you a badass.
Live your life.
Slay.