Not able to move on...

[lonelylad]

Hi guys,

i wish to share about something that has been bothering me for some time.

i used to be in an ldr relationship with a guy for about a year and 3 months.

things were going okay between us until one day he never contacted me for 2 weeks. i got worried and kept messaging him regularly to find out whether he is okay. we normally message each other almost daily which is why it got me worried.

he messaged me 2 weeks later, but he had bad news for me. he told me he had been seeing and dating another guy for these 2 weeks. he felt guilty which was why he never messaged me. i was shocked to hear that but i asked whether does he still love me or not. he never replied to that.

i realised that he actually wants to break up with me but he wants me to bring up the break up issue. maybe he would not feel guilty that way i guess.

with a heavy heart, i told him its best that we broke up and wished him all the best with his new partner. he told me yes its the right thing to do and he stopped contacting me after that.

actually i feel there were signs that maybe he did not love me. he never remembered when was my birthday and never wished me and neither did he reply to my valentine wishes during the 1+ yrs. but i chose not to ask him about it. i guess maybe i was fooling myself that i was in a relationship.

the thing is, it has been 6 months since we have broken up but i still cannot get over with the break up. it is still lurking in my mind. i remember the first 2 months was so horrible i kept crying every night at bed.

recently, i checked his social media profile and found that he is going to be engaged to the new guy soon. i felt miserable. what could be worse than reading that my guy is going to be with someone else for life (instead of me)?

he has already moved on in life and going to settle down soon. but i'm the one who keep dwelling in the past. no matter how much i try, i just can't forget him. i just wish to get over with this ex-relationship and progress on in my life.

i seek your advices on what i can do to get over with this break-up.

(PS: I have another aspect about this break up to discuss. but i'll post it about a week later.)

[Jake]

What you're having there look like a serious case of emotional dependency disorder. Just so you know it's not love. Although, I'm not claiming that anyone here shouldn't try to give you advise using their own experience (sometimes it's good to know that other people have been through or experiencing the same issue) but, let's be clear, nobody can fully help you here. Letting go of a love one can be very difficult and some people just don't go through with it and end up at the morgue so emotional dependency disorder is truly categorize as a mental illness in the very same line as anxiety and depression, which both can be the fuel of your emotional dependency. What I can do here is simply explain to you the problem that I believe you may have and that will be your own decision to seek professional help, because NOBODY and I mean NOBODY from this discussion board or from any other discussion board - even though they are maintained by psychologist and psychiatrists can fully assist you, this behavioral issue of yours has to be taken care of at a physical level not virtual.

When personality traits are inflexible, maladaptive and cause significant functional impairment or subjective distress they are considered personality disorders.

I know that the list I'm giving below may not be applicable to you but if you feel that one or more of these symptoms apply to you, please see a professional therapist to help you cope with your loss.

• Difficulty making decisions without reassurance from others
  
• Extreme passivity
  
• Problems expressing disagreements with others
  
• Avoiding personal responsibility
  
• Avoiding being alone
  
• Devastation or helplessness when relationships end
  
• Unable to meet ordinary demands of life
  
• Preoccupied with fears of being abandoned
  
• Easily hurt by criticism or disapproval
  
• Willingness to tolerate mistreatment and abuse from others
  

Don't wait for your case to become too excessive because at the moment perhaps only one or two of the above symptoms define some of your behavior, if you keep on stalking his social media profile, trying to contact him while you understand that he has moved-on, yes the other symptoms will pile on and you'll make your life miserable over his happiness, and even if eventually you learn that he's breaking up later own, it could change to a vile happiness of knowing his love life failed. Don't make yourself miserable.

Did this happened before to you?

[TwisttheLeaf]

Im so sorry this happened to you.

Regardless of boaxy's rather insensitive response, there are those (myself included) that understand the development of emotional bonds that can happen, even (or in some cases especially) via online. I have no doubt the break was extremely painful for you.

It might be time to seek a therapist to help you work through your grief over the loss of the relationship. There are people (trained therapists and counselors) that can assist you in letting go and moving on.

[TwisttheLeaf]

[MENTION=23369]Boaxy[/MENTION] I think my post was pretty self explanatory. Some empathetic compassion... or at least compassion on its own, would be kind. That said, lets -not- derail this guy's thread with what has somehow become a habit of opposing opinions and viewpoints between the two of us.

[Scootaloo]

honestly the best advice may just be terrible advice.

Go out, get drunk, and fuck some random guy. Rinse. Repeat. Then after a few of the wrong guys, the right one will come when you least expect it.

[Gideon]

First of all, don't let anyone invalidate your feelings. They are yours, they exist, so they are valid.

Second, as someone who's approaching 8 years in a long distance relationship, don't let anyone tell you it's any less -real- than someone who you see every day in the flesh. It doesn't diminish your feelings, it unfortunately, it doesn't make it hurt any less when it doesn't work out.

I'm sorry to hear of your loss, man, but now it's time to do your best to pick yourself up, dust yourself off and...keep moving. All things get easier with time, and this too will get easier.

Allow yourself to hurt, to feel upset and betrayed, and then figure out what comes next. You'll overcome it, man, you just have to give yourself some time to let the hurts heal.

[lonelylad]

Thanks for your replies guys.

[MENTION=19496]Jake[/MENTION] Nope, this is my first time. (My first love too.) I don't think I have the disorder. Because, my school life and my relationship with my family, relatives and friends are still fine. I socialize with them well. But thanks for your suggestion. I'll consider about it.

[MENTION=20938]Gideon[/MENTION] and [MENTION=20738]TwisttheLeaf[/MENTION] Thanks for your kind words guys. I'll try my best to get over it. I'm diverting my attention towards my studies and interests and also planning to go for an overseas trip. Hopefully, it will help me to move on. I'll consider seeing a therapist if I'm still not okay after the trip.

[MENTION=23369]Boaxy[/MENTION] "There are tons more guys in the world, and if god willing hopefully he finds one that will love him."
Thanks Boaxy, that sentence really made me smile. I look forward to my future with a positive outlook.