My boyfriend of over a year has a sex app on his phone that's making insecure.

[JustInsecure]

So my boyfriend and I have been together for over a year and everything’s going great. We’ve been living together for a few months now and only have a few arguments occasionally. I trust him completely and don’t question his loyalty/faithfulness. I’m a reserved and insecure person. I always doubt my negative thoughts and question any insecurities that I have because that’s how I’ve taught myself to be at ease.

However, my last relationship didn’t really go so well. The guy I was with admitted (months after we had broken up) that he slept with other people during our relationship (it was not an open relationship). That didn’t feel good, especially because I had the feeling that he was doing so while we were together but didn’t take myself seriously. I felt like I was just being insecure and didn’t want project my insecurities onto him.

My current boyfriend knows about all of that. Though he still has a sex app (Grindr) on his phone that I noticed when he was flipping through his phone. I had the same app and deleted it early into our relationship because I didn’t need it and because it took up unnecessary space. I brought it up as soon I saw it and asked him why he doesn’t delete it. He mentioned that he’s not logged in but that it’s just amusing to see the people around us who are on it. I can see that it’s a funny process but told him that it made me insecure. He said that it shouldn’t but I tried to make him understand how I felt. He understood and said he would delete it. It was a pretty long and important conversation I felt, but it’s been months and the app is still there. He doesn’t seem to be hiding it and he’s probably forgotten. I just don’t understand why he wouldn’t remember to delete when he’s scrolling through his phone. I 99% believe that he’s just forgotten but it’s making me insecure and stressed. The logical thing would be to bring it up again, but I’ve already seem so insecure and don’t want to come across as naggy. I’m afraid he will start think of my as distrustful so I’m torn.

Should I 'man up' and get over it or should I bring it up again?

[Sherbil]

The only thing that'll happen if you "man up" and try to get over it is that you'll bottle up how you're feeling and eventually it'll explode. It's not a good idea at all.

You need to stop doubting your right to stand up for yourself. You found something that would make most people in monogamous relationships worried. If it's really such an insignificant thing that he uses Grindr for, then he shouldn't have any problem deleting it, right? So why hasn't he?

Ask him. Don't frame it in an accusatory way. "Why" questions usually come across that way and make people defensive. A simple statement would do it -- "I was flipping through your phone the other day looking for something and noticed you still have Grindr installed. Is there a reason for that? You'd said you would delete it last time we talked about it." Don't say it in an accusatory tone of voice, either. You're an adult, and so is he. Talk it out with him. If he respects you, he'll listen to your feelings and either delete it or give you a very good reason for keeping it (I can't imagine that there is one, so honestly he should delete it). Don't accept a cop out, and this time try and be with him while he deletes it. He has to understand that this is a worrisome thing to have forgotten. If he seems more annoyed than guilty about it, that's a big red flag.

[JustInsecure]

I understand and agree with what you're saying. It is a little daunting though to try to ask him about it because it feels as though I'm the only one who gets insecure. I also feel like it will sound as if I've been mulling this over in my head. When I do tell him though how do i make sure he deletes it without seeming distrustful; I would feel a little awkward telling him I need to see him do it...

[Borg69]

I'm going to go out on a limb, and assume you're not the only insecure one in the relationship.

Assuming he's being honest about his intentions, "just to see who's around, for fun", I think he's using that app. as a security blanket for himself as well. If you ever leave/dump him, he's got a mental list of runner up's he can fall back on to take your place so HE isn't the one who is alone.

Some guys use those apps as a barometer for their esteem and how they're doing in life by comparing what he has to what's out there, and how desirable he (thinks) he is by how many guys send him PM's/likes on those apps.

[drobs]

I loaded Grindr on my phone and told my partner about it. Said I wanted to know who is out there. It's also an ego boost. Turns out my old fat ass is still attractive to younger boy toys.

Weird feeling as I was always the young, dumb, full of cum twink. Here I'm old and surrounded by buff military boy toys.

[TwisttheLeaf]

Communication is key to any relationship. I really think you need to sit down and talk with him about your trust issues, and where they stem from. Explain how the app makes him feel, and how it still being there makes you really uncomfortable.

There's no reason he can't delete it immediately. It's as quick as a thumb press and a tap. If he's still avoiding deleting it after you've had this second conversation with him about it, I'd start wondering if there was something else going on and it would escalate my trust issues. That then falls into another question of staying or leaving, yeah?

[matty7]

I would be happy that he is open that he has the app to be honest ...he's not hiding and be secretive in anyway - and he tells you why he has it on also
You describe yourself as insecure in your post as a personal trait - is he the opposite ? is he a confident person - if he has a different personality then he views having the app in a different way , maybe you see it as cheating - he may see it as a bit of harmless fun. I would bring it up again though as it bothers you and he should really delete it if he understands that it upsets you

[InbetweenDreams]

I can't say I'm a relationship guru but logically there are a few things that could be going on. One might be that scrolling through grindr has become habitual for him, he might just be using to simply scroll through guys. On the other hand he could be chatting up guys, trading pictures, etc or worse could be cheating possibly. The only way to find out is to spy, he might delete pictures and chats but sooner or later he's going to slip -- if that's the case.

One thing that I experienced with the last guy I dated was I became bored in the relationship and I was being smothered by his insecurity which drove me away (More on that another time). If there's other trouble in your relationship he could be using that to plan his escape or something along those lines.

Before you jump to conclusions and beat him over the head with a rolling pin. Take a step back and evaluate your relationship with him and get a feel for why he's got the app in the first place. If things are going well and nothing has changed between you too, his behavior hasn't changed and so on it's probably just a bad habit. I mean I used to sit on the toilet scrolling through grindr.

My advice is find out, just not overly forceful, you don't want to make a mountain out of a mole hill if there's nothing bad going on. Insecurity can be the death of a relationship, might want to dive into what the source of your insecurity is from. Just my thoughts on the matter. Like I say I'm not a relationship guru, I got my own set of issues when it comes to relationships and have reached out here many times and still can't get it right.

[Insertnamehere]

It could be a good indication that he was cut clear about the app and not being secretive about it. I see it as he's not trying to hide something, which is good.

But I think he should respect your thought on this and delete it. There's no reason for him not to do it right away.

Quite frankly, it is my personal opinion, one shouldn't have these apps at all when in a commited and established relationship. Whatever the reasoning one might try to find for it, it's just a source for trouble and mistrust. Why risk that?

He knows what happened to you, so he should be aware of why you have trust issues, so my advice for you would be to bring up the topic, but in a way that doesn't lead to confrontation or gets him defensive. Maybe take the opportunity when you see him scrolling down the phone and just casually comment "oh is that thing still there?"

[deepnight]

Hello
First of all, I think that you should ask him freely why he doesn't delete it, because there is nothing bad about seeming distrustful in a relationship. If you love the other person, you always want to make sure that everything is fine between us, so personally I find it understandable!
By the way, I have also been in a relationship with a guy for months now (it's my first one), and now and then we keep asking eachother, whether we are still 100% faithful! To be honest, I have even created a fake profile on the dating site, where we met eachother, just to make sure that there isn't any profile of him ))
It may sound awkward, but it's still a good method for us insecure boys to gain more trust in the partner )
Hence, my advice to you: go and ask him friendly why he hasn't delete that app from his mobile (don't exaggerate or become angry at him, because it might turn him away).. If you don't get a clear answer, or if you don't believe him, you can also spy on him by creating a fake profile. At least you will see when he was last online. If you see that he still logs in often, then you can contact him, ask him what he's looking for, and then, decide what you do...
That's my opinion!
Best wishes!