Gay friends keep hitting on me. No me gusta.

[Starman]

Okay, so hopefully this isn't a problem that isn't that unique here

I prefer having strictly gay friends. I feel I can relate more to gay men more so than straight guys or gals. But believe me, I've burned a LOT of bridges along the way keeping my friends strictly gay. The biggest problem is when someone essential to the group I'm hanging out with starts becoming way too forward and begins blatantly hitting on me. I mean a close friend grabbing the inside of my leg, squeezing my arms or just making inappropriate sexual jokes that don't really have a punchline. All of these things make me extremely uncomfortable, but I'll usually not reciprocate and hope that my friend gets the message that I'm not interested. For some reason this NEVER happens, which usually ends up in one of us breaking ties with the other. Either because I feel I'm not really a friend in that person's eyes anymore or because they feel insulted and come up with some excuse not to talk to me anymore.

[Starman]

Coming up on the third bridge I've had to burn this year. It's emotionally draining to keep playing this game and losing friends in the process. I know you're thinking "Well, if you don't set boundaries and talk about this, it's your fault too for not communicating." And I say pooey on that theory. Bridge number 1 of this year was a friend who stopped talking to me after I called to set boundaries. He was constantly sending me pics on my phone and wouldn't carry a conversation with me on FB or text unless it involved sex somehow. I left a message on his phone saying I want to talk when he has a chance. Shortly after he dodged my phone calls, if he accidently picked up he would make up some lame excuse that he's "busy" even when he's said before that he wouldn't be at that time. Before this we had been friends for THREE YEARS. After I finally sent him a message on FB. He unfriended me, stopped reading my messages and called me a "hemorrhoid", " Gross " and "Just not good enough for (him)." over the phone when he did answer. I'm just saying, this get's kind of nasty sometimes and, like I said, it can be draining to hear a friend say that. So I don't think this is about setting boundaries after the fact, it's about communicating them from the start. Again, this is not the first time this has happened.

So should I go back to having straight friends? I'd be missing out on the opportunity to relate to other gay men. But I think, in the long run, it's my best option. What do you think?

TLDR (Sorry about that). What do you do when friends overstep your boundaries and comes onto you? It's a big problem for me and I'd like to hear your advice!

[MikeW]

...What do you do when friends overstep your boundaries and comes onto you? It's a big problem for me and I'd like to hear your advice!

Sounds to me like you don't have any friends. That, or you don't know what friends are.

Friends respect boundaries. Anyone who doesn't respect your boundaries isn't your friend.

People you know via social media or even hanging out with IRL may be acquaintances, but that doesn't make them "friends".

I'd also recommend you stop using social media for communicating anything of substance. That's not what it is for.

[MickTheMousie]

Let me let you in a little secret.

I'm from LA, you're from LA. Just us boys, listen up. Get yourself a nice beverage before you read this.

As gay man, in many cases you can't befriend other gay man. You can only "befriend" other gay men. This is because in the gay community you have to be apart of certain cliques or groups to be accepted. In order to be accepted into a clique or group, you have to be initiated. So in some cases, that means you have to have sex with some of the members, or have them test you out.

Me being single and a virgin and never being in a relationship, there have been times to where I really wish other guys approached me for this. I know you might not feel comfortable and turned off by it, but at least you're getting approached and offered. I can't get anything. I'm just too feminine and they don't want to deal with me or give me the time of day.

Sooner or later you guys will either have to fuck or be in some kind of mutual relationship. It will either then merge into an actual relationship, you guys will just decide to be platonic friends, or you will both part ways. You had to make it to that stage though. I know you don't like it, but at least give it a chance. The community is small as is, and you are trying to fit in right?

It is just the way it is and me personally I don't really have that big of an issue with it. Which is why it's hard for me to make gay friends sometimes. They think I'm too fem because again, I can't pass the initiation, which is them fucking me in order for me to be their friend.

I do sometimes wish I could just be friends with other gay men without having the relationship being sexual. I know there are gay men out there like that, I just haven't had much luck with it.

I can see why this is an issue with you. My only suggestion is that you are more open about it. Let your feelings be known. If you have to drop the friendship because of this, it is what it is.

How about taking one from the team though? Let him give you a blowjob and vice versa. Give him a kiss. Let him give you a handjob. Share a beer together. Cuddle together, go out to a movie with him. Comfort him, he's probably having issues in the gay community finding romance and he's turning to you to be his support system. Friends with benefits? It's up to you though, I understand if you don't want to.

About having straight friends, yes that's fine too. I have a handful of straight guy friends and I'm really cool with them. Some of them don't agree with homosexuality and it's okay. They are not homophobic though, it's a difference. They are kinda religious and I met some of them through church. I know if I were to get bashed, they would have my back. I was even invited to a very fancy wedding in the Inland Empire this summer by one of my straight guy friends. That was really nice of him. So yes, I would make straight guy friends if you can. Make sure they aren't judgmental of you though.

As far as making gay friends. I don't know, it's up to you though, but I suggest you be more open minded about it. Play along and see how that gets you. You never know unless you try right? I understand completely though if you feel uncomfortable and don't want to do it.

Good luck to you.

If thats what it takes, then i can already tell you, i'm never gonna have any gay friends...... but to be honest that sounds very.... weird? to me, or atleast it makes no sence to me :/

BUT, if you wanna make sure it wont end with him trying to get into bed with you, then try making sure from the staart that you are not interested, i know from my self that a lot of people think i'm internested because of my body language, and i somehow tend to flirt without knowing, so maybe try to be more aware of your body language

[Sylph]

Coming from where I do:

A small population, small island, small minds and enough homophobia to triple fill my island �� thrice ~__~

I just tend to treat everyone the same.

I call everyone "gurl" unless they expressly tell me not to, i am your long lost best friend (probably to much lol) and like to just have a good time.


I've made friends here and there, surprisingly straight men recently too(which is huuuuuge since many people here and om the other islands are "anti-buggery") and i barely try.

Mostly because i was unpopular in my early highschool years, i didn't seek out friends often, and lo n behold! They started coming to me all out of nowhere.


Sometimes "trying" to seek out friendship tends to just result in the exact opposite.


I don't know how America works, but i can (hopefully) assume that just talking bluntly isn't that big an issue over there, right?

[TwisttheLeaf]

I don't know how America works, but i can (hopefully) assume that just talking bluntly isn't that big an issue over there, right?

Being blunt has its drawbacks and benefits. I'd say that's probably going to be the same no matter what region of America that you're in. Some people will appreciate it, others won't. As long as it's not blunt to the point of feeling like an attack, the backlash is usually somewhat minimal in my experience.
[MENTION=23468]Starman[/MENTION]

I think you need to refine your definition of friendships. Going through so many in such a short time makes me think that you're trying to make acquaintances into friendships far too quickly.

Friendships aren't immediate, they build over time.

As for how to avoid your particular situation? In my experience, putting out clear messages that all you're interested in is friendship and nothing sexual usually does the trick. Sometimes, people get strange ideas in their heads, yeah? Doesn't mean they may not be a good friend (or become one).

I've found in the few times people have crossed the line, if I disregard it as an amusing antidote, it seems to gently let them down without crushing their feelings to the point that they walk away feeling the need to lash out in retaliation.

Granted, this is a perspective from someone that doesn't have gay friends. I have a straight male friend, and my twin sister. I have lots of gay acquaintances, but I wouldn't put them in the "friend" category, even if we hang out now and then.

[Sylph]

Being blunt has its drawbacks and benefits. I'd say that's probably going to be the same no matter what region of America that you're in. Some people will appreciate it, others won't. As long as it's not blunt to the point of feeling like an attack, the backlash is usually somewhat minimal in my experience.

Eh?

Well here, it's not so much how we say things, as we are pretty easy going and mostly charismatic to a fault;

But it's the what we say that'll "break your ear"; because to me;

Being direct and Blunt go hand in hand, but I find Americans do one or the other and differently than we do, such as with New Yorkers and Boston people; no matter the creed, they tend to be brash:

Whereas, we tend to focus more on words, which carry more weight than being brash.


I.e "Ta Chooks"
Is a slightly stronger version of "As Fuck"

But Children can even say it, because it doesn't necessarily mean "As Fuck", but that's the general meaning, no matter how you say it.

Whereas:

"ya mug" is considered highly offensive when used as an Adjective for a Person, as the word "mug" is our word for "Lame/Retarded/Stupid".

And it's likely to get you punched or scorn, unless you are close with the person and have that relationship.

So : " Ya bleddy Mug ta Chooks enuh?" roughly translates as "You know you're retarded as fuck right?"


Bur that's just how we do things, so I assume Americans have similar situations, through which, knowing these sorts of things can help garner friendship and so on.

[Starman]

Wow! Hey guys! Thanks for the response! I've been having a pretty crappy week and it made me feel good to read through your responses.
[MENTION=20947]MikeW[/MENTION] I think you're definitely right about clarifying the differences between friends and acquaintances. But I do want to go on the record saying that before this, these people were trusted friends of mine. The one guy who I had to message on FaceBook was a last ditch effort to tell him how I feel after he ditched our plans to meet up and stopped answering his phone. But I do want to echo this for anyone else having this problem: Online friends are a projection of ourselves in a sense. "Meaningful Online conversations," is kind of an oxymoron as most of our understanding through an online conversation is just us imagining what the our convo-partner is thinking and really feeling at any point during. Also, right. When friends overstep boundaries, they are no longer friends. It's hard to do this at times, but sometimes you need to put your foot down. Stay psychedelic man thanks for the advice!

[Starman]

[MENTION=23195]MickTheMousie[/MENTION] Wait... Are you flirting with me??.....

Nah JK dude, but seriously though. Thanks for posting.

Good point about body language mate. Sometimes you're flirting or sending signals without even realizing it. I think, taking that logic a step further, that it's important to realize when your actions are being misinterpreted as flirtatious? In hindsight, I can see this happening a lot in my life right before I have to burn a bridge. But in the moment, I rarely if ever recognize it.

[Starman]

So : " Ya bleddy Mug ta Chooks enuh?" roughly translates as "You know you're retarded as fuck right?"


Bur that's just how we do things, so I assume Americans have similar situations, through which, knowing these sorts of things can help garner friendship and so on.

[MENTION=15656]Sylph[/MENTION] Yeah, the definition of 'retarded' in America runs pretty wide though. I take it you're not following our presidential elections?

Well maybe one day you can visit and see what all the fuss is about? We have a lot of cities and counties dedicated to gay culture in almost every major state. It was definitely a huge breath of fresh air the first time I set foot in West Hollywood. That kind of acceptance is something I wish I could share with every gay man in the world.