Advice on next steps with a guy

[edank462]

Hi all, new to this forum but would love some advice.

I'm 29 and bi. I've previously only had relationships with girls. I have had my fair share of experiences with guys, but never relationships. I'm in the closest to all but a few close friends, though comfortable for whatever direction that goes.

4 months ago I met a guy and we really hit it off. He's about 10 years older, and though doesn't outwardly define himself as gay or straight, he has only had relationships with guys in the past. I knew upfront though he wasn't looking for a serious commitment though as he likes to do his own thing. Regardless during the first 2 months we became very close. We spent almost every night together, texted constantly, often went out to dinner, etc. He shared a ton of affection towards me, and one might think he was even a little obsessed with me. I liked it though-- I became very attracted to him, physically, mentally, emotionally. I had never felt so comfortable with someone before and we considered each other "best friends." It was an amazing feeling.

About 2 months ago, (2 months after meeting him) I could tell things were changing. He was getting a bit distant from me. I asked him about it, and he said he still liked me but was concerned about becoming too committed. He said when we met he saw me as a straight guy, and assumed the heat would fizzle out and I would go back to dating girls. But by that point we were latched on to each other. Over the next month we still spent plenty of time together-- and still had some very close moments. We agreed to "ride the wave" and see where things went. I still saw him at least every day or every other day.

Now about a month ago he received news that his company (he is a manager in a retail store) is going out of business. It really threw him for a loop and still is. The store is closing in late June, so he still has time to find a new job, but he doesn't like change and is trying to figure out his life. I've been very supportive and a few weeks ago he told me I was his rock. But he's also had a lot of nights of partying with coworkers (assuming so they could commiserate together), and hasn't been in his normal routine. There were a few nights where we were supposed to hang and he would end up either not texting me, or telling me he was out with friends.

This all hit a head last weekend. I went to his apartment and noticed things out of place in his living room and bedroom. I confronted him and he admitted he had some people over to party the previous night and they slept over-- girls and straight guy. I pushed him more about who, and specifically asked if his ex-bf was there as I oversaw a few texts (though fairly innocent) in the past month with him. He said no he didn't stay over, but did admit to seeing his ex at a bar with friends during the past week. He said they got into a fight (and he told his ex he was "seeing" someone now, meaning me), and it made him realize how much he didn't like his ex.

Our conversation lasted on/off for about 12 hours, and though I felt like we made progress, we didn't really conclude anything. I pushed him on defining what we are. I don't need/want any titles, but I want the security that he (or I) wouldn't go date or fuck on the side. While he initially wanted us to just go with the flow, he began to understand that he couldn't "have his cake and eat it too." He told me I'm like the best friend he's always wanted since he was 10 years old.

We ended up spending the entire last weekend together, from Friday evening to Monday morning. Since then things have gotten weird and I haven't seen him since then. (Note his work issues are still hectic, trying to figure out his next career/life move, and I'm very cognizant of that.) He didn't initiate any texts Monday through Wednesday. I asked to grab a drink or hang all 3 nights and we didn't. Monday he wasn't feeling well, Tuesday he said he called though I didn't get it, and Wednesday we were going to meet up but he didn't text me until 2am saying "sweet dreams." On Thursday he texted-- he apologized for being so distant and said he was clearing his brain from everything, and hoped I was OK. We've since had small talk via text, but neither has asked to hang out. It's taking soo much of my self control not to ask him to meet up, or just to stop by his place. I realized I can't keep asking him to hang out, and am making an effort to not contact him unless he contacts me. I really just want to see him and talk to him-- I want to tell him I'm there for him, even as just friends. I want him as a friend in my life. I still feel so comfortable around him, care about him, and he makes me happy. But I want him to initiate, as he openly is distancing himself. Mentally I've been going nuts-- overthinking, losing sleep, constantly distracted, etc. It sucks.

I know he's going through life stuff. But all I want him to know is I'm here for him, and to tell him in person. And get some type of closure, whatever it is. Does that come across desperate though? I'd love to get back to how we were, but not sure that's an option now. I'm just so confused and since he doesn't openly communicate, it's making it harder.

Am I longing for something that's dead? Should I put more effort into it? Or do I have to continue being patient? (And if so, any tricks to be patient so I don't drive myself crazy?)

Thanks so much for any advice.

[kindy64]

Doesn't sound dead, sounds on hold.

He's around 40, is losing his job, and reevaluating life a bit I guess. Right now it sounds like he wants some space. As a friend you need to give it to him. He knows how to contact you. Maybe offer to bring over takeout food and make his day a little less stressful. Otherwise, tell him how you feel once, and let the ball rest with him. If you don't hear from him in a couple of weeks, just send a short, "hey, how are you holding up?"

[edank462]

Thank you so much Kindy64 for your feedback. I've read it multiple times and it's really helped!!!

I could really use some more advice though on my situation... I'm at my wits end and it's driving me crazy...

When I posted a few weeks ago, it had been nearly a week since I saw my "friend," whereas previously we saw each other almost every day. The prior weekend we had a deep conversation and concluded we were just friends, no relationship. Then things got weird between us. I'll pick up the story now...

We've since hung out twice. The first time we cleared the air (or so I thought) and he was happy to chill. The second time (2 days later) we grabbed a bite and I ended up staying at his place. Nothing intimate happened but it felt like old times. The next morning he seemed happy and told me to call him later.

Well that was nearly 2 weeks ago and that's the last time I've seen him. As mentioned in my previous post, he's going through a lot at work as his company is closing and he has recently started taking classes which take up a lot of his time. I know he still has free time though, and we live 2 blocks from each other...

He hasn't initiated any texts to me. It's always me starting them. I gave up asking him to hang out, for fear of sounding desperate. Last week, after I texted him, he actually suggested that we hang out today (Sunday). So this morning I texted him to hang out and he said maybe a little later after picking up something at a (girl) friend's apt. Well, long story short, 8 hours later he now said got tied up at his friends, he's stoned, and sorry.

I'm so fed up with it. I feel like I'm being stringed along by him. Most of all though, I truly miss him as my friend. I'm fine not being in a relationship or anything anymore, but he's the only guy I've ever met that I feel so comfortable around. All I want is to maintain a friendship and chill with him. We were on the same page with that 2 weeks ago... now what though? I don't want to come across desperate but need to get this figured out. It's affecting me a lot... I'm losing sleep, distracted at work, lack of appetite...

Any advice would be greatly appreciated! Thank you for taking the time to read this, it means a lot to me.

[kindy64]

I've got a friend like this. Mostly I just go on with my life and don't wait around for him. When he texts, we have nice conversations, but that's about it. Would love to hang out with him more, but just isn't in the cards.

Move on with your life. If/when he wants to maintain a friendship with you, he needs to make the effort to contact you and make time.

[Darius]

Early in your op, you said you knew he was not looking for a serious commitment and liked doing his own thing. That sounds like what he is doing. Maybe that is how he is with friendships as well as romantic relationships? It obvious you feel a connection with him as a friend and want that desperately to continue, but maybe he is incapable of that. It may be that the only relationship you ever have with him is on his terms, not yours. Can you accept that? Personally, I don't think I could because friendship is a two-way street for me. You have to decide for yourself. Good luck, edank.