Straight or No?

[tuonda]

Hello everyone!

I really need to get something off my chest. I am a college student that has been trying to look for my (first) partner for quite some time. I have always been self conscious so it was a big step for me to officially announce to my friends/family that I was looking to pursue a relationship with a guy.

Anyway, I found someone in college. He told me in the beginning that he was, "as straight as a toothpick". Later on, he seemed to be giving me vibes that he might like me. To put a very long story short, he ended up getting a girlfriend, leaving me very confused and frustrated, wanted the "best of both worlds", and our "relationship" crashed and burned. In the process, I was left feeling very hurt especially because he made a comment that my weight was the main thing "holding him back".

After this happened, I noticed that I started picking up on vibes from confused "straight" men. I would try to pursue these vibes only to find out they actually had a girlfriend (sometimes in the same room as when they were flirting with me). Each time this happens, which to date has been about 4 instances in in the past year, I get more and more crushed emotionally.

Now comes what I'm concerned about at this moment. Once again, I found a guy who is flirting with me. My friends are insisting he is straight but from the moment I met him, he was throwing off vibes. I first met him when him and my friends all went out lunch. Nothing happened then but the week after, he came over and we all went to a party together. I had quite a bit to drink and he didn't because he doesn't like to drink so much. While we were together, I kept calling him the name of my "ex" (the one mentioned above) which, needless to say, was very embarrassing. He stayed with me the whole night though which I thought was sweet.

After that, we had three more encounters. The first was when he went on a road trip with me and this same group of friends. The second was when he came over to play board games with us and the third was just coming over to hang out. All of these encounters lasted at least 4-5 hours. In order to avoid redundancy, I'll summarize the actions that took place:

• We playfully flirt back and forth pulling pranks/jokes with each other.
  
• He likes to touch/kind of hold my hands a lot.
  
• We rough house quite a bit.
  
• He likes to get very close to me physically.
  
• One time when we were goofing around, he tried to write on my face with his pen in his mouth thus causing our faces to be really close for a few seconds (there was tension).
  
• I've caught him staring at me before. (We've both stared at each other with that "dazed" look in our eyes)
  
• The two of us ALWAYS separate from the rest of the group for the majority of the time we are around
  
• He likes to poke fun and, if he knows I have a certain pet peeve, he'll do it.
  

The list goes on and on. My friends, in the beginning, told me I was reading into all of this but now they are beginning to admit the behavior is suspicious of flirting. I have one friend who still fails to acknowledge it and tells me he is "confused at best". For the record, this guy has never told me his sexuality. All I know is that he hasn't had or has never had a relationship before except for, as far as I know, he pursued a very religious girl at college which fell flat.

I've tried texting this guy but he is horrible at responding. I thought at first that it was something directed to me only to find out he is horrible at responding to anybody. Unfortunately, this all started to form three weeks before school ended so now we are both back home so now texting is the only form of communication for us.

I so SO very much want to tell him about how I feel but my friends are advising me strongly not to as I might scare/offend him. First off, how do I know if he is intentionally or unintentionally flirting? Should I reveal my feelings to him or should I wait longer?

Thanks!

[Confuzzled4]

Oh my goodness, this reminds me so much of a past but still fairly recent experience for me. Rather than have you dig around for my previous post, I'll summarize here. The tension happened between my best friend and me. We played in the pool and had a lot of physical contact, he slapped my ass and said "you have a nice plump butt", he went to put his arm around me then pulled back when other people were around, he asked me to take a picture of myself and send it to him before he went away for job training in another state for a 4 month period. How did this end? I went to visit him and got crushed, but at the end of my trip he said I love you and blew me a kiss. I might add that he has a girlfriend. I still think he's confused, but right now we don't speak. At some point in the future we'll see each other and I'll see what happens. But to me, my situation had a stronger basis for my thoughts. If I'm to be honest, I don't see the details you described as indicating that he's gay or has interest. It's incredibly difficult, and for me this was my first love pursuit so I did not handle it well. If someone is sexually confused, you just can't force them it goes badly for everyone. I learned the hard way that it's best to go for people you know for certain are gay.

[TwisttheLeaf]

Stop going after (or even considering on any level as partner material) men that identify as straight, and most of these issues will clear up for you.

[seeking]

Men that identifies themselves as straight usually cause disaster tragedies, mostly to the gay men.

Either, they are just straight and feel being offended / insulted.
they are straight men that likes flirting with many people but do not want to commit to anyone.
they are straight men that are curious but later on decided to quit
they are secretly bi / gay men that going through denial, which could end up still refusing to being labelled as bi / gay and repel violently.

The chance of screwing up is huge so the best solution is don't go after them. imo

[InbetweenDreams]

I've never had shared the experience with a straight guy but from all the threads I've seen on here that describe what you have here almost always go badly. Even if this guy later comes out as gay, they're not ready and it will backlash. You will in the end lose a friend more than likely.

[Cridders88]

[MENTION=23475]tuonda[/MENTION], have you not learned from the previous guys? It seems you are stuck in a vicious cycle of pursuing men that aren't attainable. Either them being straight, or firmly in denial. Either way, it will most likely result in you being crushed again. You need to break this cycle and behaviour and only pursue guys who are actually gay.

[jimcrackcorn]

[MENTION=23475]tuonda[/MENTION]

You need to start looking for gay/bisexual men where they hang out. Try googling "gay sports" or "gay social activities" in the area where you reside.

You can join a gay bowling league, bicycling group, wine tasting group, camping group, etc...

Find out if there are gay restaurants in your area (google it) where you can get a bite to eat, and possibly meet other gay people.

Your college may have a LGBT group. So check that out also.

Best wishes,
Jimerooo

[Camfer]

First off, how do I know if he is intentionally or unintentionally flirting? Should I reveal my feelings to him or should I wait longer?

It doesn't matter if the flirting is intentional or not. Just because someone flirts doesn't mean they want anything more than a flirty interaction. It can be an ego boosting game for some guys.

You should wait longer to reveal your feelings, like, for example, when he is out and admitting to himself and others that he likes guys.

When someone actually wants to be with you and is ready for it, it will be hugely obvious. Dating out available gay men who are comfortable with themselves is the way to go. It eliminates a lot of confusion in an area where confusion abounds, even with two out gay guys who are both comfortable with themselves.

So, who else intrigues you?

[tuonda]

First, thank you all for your advice!

I do agree that it is important I find someone who is out and is willing to date. However, the fact of the matter is the two friends that say he's straight don't really know him all to well. It could actually be that he is comfortable with his sexuality but nobody knows because nobody really knows him all too well.

Also, the interactions I have with this guy is very different from the previous one. I just have this special connection when we look at each other and it appears he does too.

It's very hard to find people though. I don't know of any groups in my area (also, I'm not completely out in my area because of personal reasons). At college where everyone knows that I"m gay, the student body is so small that there aren't any guys who are available or the rest aren't very nice people. The LGBT group there is made up of these people.

Essentially, I've never been in a relationship before and I want to make sure the first full blown relationship I'm in is a healthy one. Ideally, I'd love to meet someone in person and develop something with them.

I have in the past resorted to using grindr or tindr but I've gotten into very bad situations with this type of app so I tend to stay away. I found even when people say they want something serious on there they usually aren't being honest. It also is a blow to my self esteem considering I'm bigger and there is a very specific type that people are looking for on those apps.

Anyway, because I've been thinking a lot about this current guy and because I won't see him for about three months, I'm thinking about talking to him and say something along the lines of:

"Hey! So I wanted to talk to you about something but unfortunately we had to leave for the summer. I've been picking up certain vibes and I just notice something different between us when we're around each other. I wanted to know if you've noticed these feelings. I was just wondering and wanted to get your input ".

Even if this turns out horribly, I am prepared to accept that he wasn't "aware" of what he was doing or simply because he's not ready or still unsure of his sexuality. (Honestly, this is probably the most probable result). Do you have anything else you would add or is the message good how it is?

Hopefully I'll be able to shake out of this state where I only attack confused "straight" men and I'll find someone halfway decent who knows what they want.

Thanks again everyone!

[kjames]

You should be looking for a guy that validates you enough that you wont be questioning his intentions. Once you find that person...he will be the one for you.