Hello, I am 39 years old and have had to live in the closet all my life. I have been married and divorced and am currently in a relationship with a women. Lately I have been feeling trapped and need to tell someone how I really feel. Hope you guys don't mind a sap on here. I have always felt a little different than most of the other people in my life. I have known for a long time, since I was 12 or 13, that I had feelings for the same sex. I have been wearing women's clothes in private since then. I have told a select few people about me but not a lot. Parents do not know and current fiance does not either. I am struggling right now because I finnaly told my therapist this news and she was very supportive, but she told me I should make a choice to be me or stay where I am. There are 4 children involved in this situation and I do not want to hurt them or my fiance.
I do care about all of these people and Tue last thing I want to do is hurt them. However, I feel that it is about time to be true to me. Any suggestions or ideas. Any support would be nice.o
Thanks for listening and hope to meet some new people here.
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My story is not exactly the same, but not that far away. I am older than you, in my 50s, have been in a successful heterosexual relationship for over 25 years, fathered two children, both of whom are now adults, still in love with my wife but our interest in sex with each other is basically over. Only problem is, I have harbored this unfulfilled desire for sex with another man since childhood. All those stupid tests say I am bi or gay, which is no surprise. I describe myself as "seasonally gay" since, at this point, while I still find feminine beauty to be attractive, my sexual fantasies are almost exclusively gay, and anytime I find myself really physically responding to another human being, it is another man. Sometimes I don't want it to be that way, but it is. I could always control it before, and I still can, but it is becoming much harder and more consuming. I want to act on it, but I never have. I probably won't but maybe I will if the timing is right, someday, just to get it out of my system. But I kind of doubt it will go anywhere... too strong, too long.
I don't know if this helps your situation at all, but at least you know you have a fellow traveler!
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I have in the past when I was between girlfriends but I always end up with a woman. Kinda wanna get out of that habit. Thank you for the response, at least I know I am not alone.
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Hi [MENTION=23510]TaclemeElmo[/MENTION], and welcome. I think you should be totally honest with your fiance right away and be yourself too. If it's easier, just print your post out, sit her down, and give it to her to read. She has every right to know about this before she is married to you.
You have a window of opportunity here to be honest with yourself and others. Once you are remarried, it is going to be a lot harder, not easier. Time to put this possible marriage on hold and explore more about yourself before you bring someone or actually many people into your currently undefined situation.
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I think you should stop the fake relationship immediatly. How you spend your time is up to you, ofcourse, but this lie you're living isn't only wasting your time. It's also wasting hers.
Are the kids old enough to understand?
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Kids range in age. Oldest is 17 and youngest is 10 months. That is one of the reasons for the hesitation. I have a feeling I will never see them again.
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I was in a similar situation. I'm 41 now, and I didn't come out until 2011 when my inauthentic life became more than I could mentally handle anymore. I stayed so depressed & felt so empty inside. I tried to escape things by faking relationships and using alcohol and drugs until the point of near suicide. UGH! I decided I was worth more than that, and after all, I didn't choose my sexuality. I sobered up & I came out to my family and my parents. It was super weird and downright scary facing my true reality at first, but being true to myself and those who love me has given me more positive experiences than I could describe here. My honest feelings of strength, joy, worth, and authentic happiness has meant way more to me and my family than all of those years living a lie EVER did. If I had known how much better my life could have been, I would've come out as a teen...regardless of how difficult it seemed. Ahhh, hindsight.  Instead I misled a lot of people who I cared about and who cared about me, and that was not fair to anyone.
Do yourself a favor and free yourself from the lies and deception you've created. Start with the people you are closest to, the people who love you. They will continue to love you, even if it is a bit of a shock to them at first. Honestly some of them probably already know you're gay.
It seems like a huge deal for you now, and it IS huge, but once you are true to yourself and others your new reality will be much bigger and better. Trust me.
Good luck!
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I have no real personal experience in this arena, as I have always been out. But, that said, my opinion would be that it's time to be honest now, before you get trapped into another marriage that (from the sound of your post) is already doomed to fail due to your preferences.
Coming out will burn some bridges, yes. But the thing is? That's kind of the price of living authentically, isn't it? When you're not living your life as a constant people pleaser, there will always be some that don't like you or what you do. It's just a part of life, and the old adage that "you can't please everyone all the time" is an adage for a reason.
As for how..... I would start with a few that you know will support you no matter what (if you have any yeah?) It sounds like you've already begun that process. The next step should be (IMO) to tell those that it will effect the most. ie: Your fiancee.
From there, I'm not sure any announcements need to really be made. Just start living your life authentically and let people slowly come to the realizations on their own. Some will speculate, some will just realize and 'know', and others will eventually ask you or others that seem to be in the know already.
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Thanks forvallnofbthe advise so far. Sounds like my choices are pretty clear. There is no choice. Be me or be miserable. Now all I have to do is grow a pair and do it. Thanks again for the replys.
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