Is This Normal?

[xyloto]

Hey,

I am a 18 year old guy--and recently (past several months) I have been coming to the conclusion that I am predominantly gay, which is pretty earth-shattering. I'm not necessarily depressed like a lot of people apparently are when they come to this conclusion, I've just been feeling subdued and am worried about the future (no plans on "coming out". That just doesn't seem like something I'd want to do).

In these past several months, I've coming to another odd realization, and am wondering if it's normal. I realized that I have literally no desire to have sex/a relationship with anyone. I thought about where I want to be when I'm 50, and it occurred to me that I want to be doing my own thing-- alone. The thought of me having sex/relationship is just totally unappealing. I mean, I think people are definitely attractive, but I would never even think about wanting a relationship with them. For instance, a lot of people on here talk about having crushes on straight guys, but I have literally never had a full on crush on a guy- it's more of a physical thing.

Is this normal, or do you think it's some sort of deep-seated denial? I'm really wondering.

Thanks

[Darius]

It may be normal for you because you are just not at the place in your life yet. If it is something deeper, then time will tell.
When you masturbate, do you watch porn, do you fantasize or how do you express yourself sexually alone?

[LJay]

Seems normal enough to me. At your age you should certainly be free to consider all of the options for your life. What you describe is one of them. I can certainly remember, at about that time, wishing that everyone would just back off and let me decide what I wanted. I knew I was not interested in the girl who was chasing me, but try to tell that to a Mom who wanted me to rent a tux, buy a corsage and go to the prom. I imagine that your best course is to keep an open mind and try to remain a free agent for now. No need to be bound. You have time.

Welcome to the board. You will find a lot that will help you think things through here and a lot of people that can offer their take on things.

By the way, I'm in Virginia, too. Hope you are someplace cooler and less humid than Richmond.

[xyloto]

Thank you for your replies.

I generally think of men when I masturbate, but it's never been of me having sex of them, it's generally just aesthetic. I don't know if that is relevant info..

And haha, it's pretty humid up here in the Valley. Humidity is no fun

[Cuddly]

Maybe some misplaced feeling of guilt is happening?

Regardless, do as you like and see where that takes you. Opinions and tastes change. Don't worry, you can live a happy life alone, no matter your sexuality.

[Insertnamehere]

Define normal.

If you define normality by frequence of occurrence, then same-sex attraction (at least self declared) is not normal because it's not all that frequent in any given population. With asexuality (i.e. lack of sexual desire) even less so. Lack of desire of a relationship is more frequent and thus more "normal".

Normality can be defined by a set of social rules of "acceptable" behavior. Again, those wouldn't be considered normal.

Now, do you take any validity in your life of external definitions of normal?

If not, sit back, relax and live the life you feel right for you. As ling as you don't hurt others, do as you please.

If you do, well, we're all a bunch of abnormal freaks here

Either way, welcome!

[meridannight]

In these past several months, I've coming to another odd realization, and am wondering if it's normal. I realized that I have literally no desire to have sex/a relationship with anyone. I thought about where I want to be when I'm 50, and it occurred to me that I want to be doing my own thing-- alone. The thought of me having sex/relationship is just totally unappealing. I mean, I think people are definitely attractive, but I would never even think about wanting a relationship with them. For instance, a lot of people on here talk about having crushes on straight guys, but I have literally never had a full on crush on a guy- it's more of a physical thing.

Is this normal, or do you think it's some sort of deep-seated denial? I'm really wondering.

Thanks

it is quite normal for an 18-19-environs male not to want to be in a relationship. i didn't want a relationship when i was your age, or, more precisely, i wanted to be on my own when i was 18.

it didn't happen till somewhere in my late twenties that i started actually enjoying the prospect of settling down with another man. and now in my early 30s this has consolidated even more. i love men intensely and deeply, and i love to take care of a man, physically, emotionally, and in any other way i can think of. it follows rather naturally from such a disposition to desire to make a life with another man. i'm also a lot more stable and toned-down now, if still retaining my passionate nature, compared to what i was in the first half of my 20s, which may be more conducive to a stable relationship.

my point is, obviously, that things might change for you somewhere down the road. just because you don't want a relationship at 18, doesn't mean things will stand the same 10 years later, let alone 30 years later.

crushes are a different thing. they're not something we control. you can't will yourself into or out of a crush on another guy. crush is something that happens automatically. i developed my first crush when i was around 5 years old, before i ever knew anything about anything in that respect. and they've happened at a rather constant rate throughout my life. in my opinion, it is a certain emotional reaction to another male. i do find it rather weird that you have not experienced such a thing.

just because someone has a crush doesn't mean they want a relationship with that person. the two are different things, which you seem to confuse a bit here. crush is a natural reaction, and i think experiencing it is important for navigating the often confusing emotional realities between two persons, and for discovering yourself.

[MikeW]

Hey,

I am a 18 year old guy--and recently (past several months) I have been coming to the conclusion that I am predominantly gay [and] I realized that I have literally no desire to have sex/a relationship with anyone. ...
Is this normal, or do you think it's some sort of deep-seated denial?...

Normal is highly overrated. Normal people are B.O.R.I.N.G! (IMNSHO)

I don't know, none of us here know, and apparently even you don't yet know what is "normal" for you.

Asexuality does exist (google it).

Given that you describe discovering that you are gay "earth shattering," it's also highly likely you're in "denial" about your true feelings.

But the way I look at it, at your age, why the hell should you have yourself all figured out? What would be the fun in that? You're going to go on with your life... maybe go to college... meet new people outside your family, your community, your high school. You're going to have new experiences. You're going to grow and change and discover who you are bit by bit.

You don't have to come out if you don't want to. You don't have to have sex if you don't want to. You don't have to get into a relationship if you don't want to. But I would venture to say that to have a reasonably happy adult life you DO need to know, and feel comfortable with, if not good about, what you DO actually want.

Torturing yourself with self-doubt, shame, fear or w/e will not get you there.

[InbetweenDreams]

Torturing yourself with self-doubt, shame, fear or w/e will not get you there.

^^^^ That is a huge huge thing. While in my particular case with the above didn't deal with sexuality, rather just not having any self-confidence and self-loathing. That is a hard thing to overcome, you have to have some faith in yourself. The person who tells themselves that they can't do something will not do it. I can certainly say that just a little over a year ago I would have never thought I would committed to doing a triathlon or contemplating doing something like a bike tour. I'm usually the very anxious type and not so willing to try anything new (unless it's food). I doubted myself so much that I kept myself at a job I didn't like and thought of myself as a failure. A matter of perception about yourself can make all the difference, because all the successful and happy people you see aren't really much different from you and I. They have the same fears, insecurities and limitations that most of us have, all that really made any difference is that they have confidence in themselves.

As far as the sexuality. It would seem that society has this black and white view of sexuality and it's hardly the case. Being 18 you're probably not going to know for sure what you really want, that's perfectly fine. There's plenty of people who are much older who still haven't figured it out yet, while others knew what they wanted from the start. Life is a journey, if we knew all the answers then there wouldn't be much point to it.

[MikeW]

....A matter of perception about yourself can make all the difference, because all the successful and happy people you see aren't really much different from you and I. They have the same fears, insecurities and limitations that most of us have, all that really made any difference is that they have confidence in themselves....

I basically agree with what you've said. The one thing I question is whether or not "confidence" is something one feels in some positive sense OR if, on the other hand, it is simply an absence of self-doubt? I agree that one *can* feel confident, but I think it is often sufficient to NOT FEEL self-doubt. Do you see what I mean? Self-doubt is extraordinarily destructive. Although it is completely mental/emotional, it is as real and powerful as a physical disability.