I cheated on my long-term boyfriend :/

[prokofiev1996]

So here's the deal, I'm not posting with the intent of getting sympathy for my regret or being told that what I did was wrong. I'm mainly posting to get this off my chest and also to see what perspectives others can offer to explain to me why I'm feeling the way I am.

I have been dating my boyfriend for about two and a half years now, and though we have been through a lot of very difficult times, both within our personal lives and between each other, during the relationship, overall it has gone pretty well. Recently (the past few months) I have started to feel like I have fallen out of love with my boyfriend, and I think it started when we started to living together (we're both attending the same university); of course, I mostly regret the decision to live together now. We bicker a lot, which is fine I suppose, but I feel like I harbor resentment towards him and can't stop these thoughts that he might not be right for me or that I might prefer to be single at this point in my life. With all of this happening recently, we have almost broken up probably three times. I feel terrible knowing how bad he must feel, because even if I don't love him, I still care about him and how he feels. But I still keep coming back to feeling like something isn't right in the relationship and that it may be better if it ended - it's more of an intuition that I can't exactly put my finger on. I have always suspected that my uncertainty about the relationship is partly due to the fact that it has been my first serious relationship, and so I never got a chance to date and see for myself what I do and don't want. Not sure if this is actually a meaningful explanation, though.

Anyway, with that background out of the way, now it's time for the confession. My boyfriend is away this whole summer, finally pursuing something he has dreamed of doing since he was a kid. I am happy for him, and have definitely missed him a bit, which is a promising sign for the relationship for me. What's more is that we BARELY ever have a chance to text, and for sure never even call, due to the nature of what he's doing. After I dropped him off for the summer, on my drive back home (across a few states) I found myself getting on Grindr, Tinder, etc. I think I was subconsciously looking to flirt with and maybe see someone else. Maybe it stemmed with my uncertainty with my relationship or from the fact that I knew I had just said goodbye to my boyfriend for the summer...I'm not sure. Long story short, I ended up hooking up with a random guy on my route home. It kind of just happened, and afterwards I felt incredibly guilty, ashamed, and terrible. I immediately confessed to my boyfriend, and though he said he was pissed, he forgave me. And I forgave myself, glad that I told him straight away and vowing that I would never cheat again, especially because I never in a million years thought that I would cheat.

Fast forward maybe a month, I then traveled to a distant city for a work conference (I actually just got back from this conference.) While there, I was active on the apps again, especially with so many guys around in the big city (something I'm not used to). I felt good getting the attention, simply just talking to other guys, etc. All this time I had posted on my profile that I was in an LTR and was just looking for friends. While in the city, though, I actually even met a couple guys who turned out to be really nice and just showed me around the city...nothing more than that. Then, a couple nights before I left, I basically was hellbent on sleeping with a guy from Grindr. I was intentional about it, too, not feeling guilty going into it like the first time. Maybe it's because I had been very distant from my boyfriend at this point with no prospect of communication, let alone seeing him? I ended up hosting a guy in my hotel room, thought I was going to go threw with it, but just as we started having sex, I told him that I couldn't do it. That I was in a relationship and that he had to leave. He took it much better than I would have expected, thankfully. Then, the next day, feeling like I had done a good job of defying my temptation, it happened for real. This time a guy contacted me -- he was younger than me -- and it was on my last night in the city. I know it sounds strange, but I just wanted to do it, even though I knew I felt more guilty than ever before in my life the first time I cheated, even though I felt good about narrowly avoiding cheating again the night before. But maybe it was this specific guy, I'm not sure. When I got to his hotel room (he was also visiting), I discovered that he was truly beautiful. And not just that, but incredibly friendly, kind, interesting, funny, and basically just desirable. We enjoyed just talking for maybe forty-five minutes before anything happened. And then the sex was also great. I'll just say it: I'm pretty sure I felt a closer connection with this guy during sex then I had for a long time with my boyfriend. Maybe it was partly because of his great personality, how we talked with one another, maybe because it was actually his first time having sex, and I wanted to make him feel good about and validated. When we finished, we talked for another hour, shared secrets about things like how we both have pathetic crushes on our straight friends, etc. And now we're still in touch, and I feel like I want to see him again...get to know him better. I haven't told my boyfriend about it yet. And I'm not even sure if I will. I know that that's wrong, but I don't know what to do -- especially because this time, I did not feel as bad about it after it happened. But maybe that's because I had such a good connection and experience with this guy?

With all this in mind, I'm also afraid that I might continue in my seeking/flirty behavior, even though I know I should get off the apps. But maybe it's what I really want deep down??? I was considering asking my boyfriend if we could do an open relationship, perhaps as a way of validating what I have done without actually having to confess to him about it a second time. Of course, this would be selfish because he's not here to communicate with me about the open relationship, it didn't work before (due to jealousy), and it would be unbalanced since I doubt he's have a chance to sleep with other guys based on what he's doing this summer.

I'm very sorry that this was potentially the longest post ever in the history of the internet, but it all just kind of flowed out of me. So at the very least, it was therapeutic, I guess. I guess if anyone has advice/ideas, I'm curious about what to do, how I should be feeling, etc...

Thanks

[InbetweenDreams]

Well I'd say you ought to feel bad, then again a lot of guys cheat on their BF. Heck I'm single, I have a guy who's been trying to get at me for over a year while we both know he has a BF and lives a nice life, has a nice house and so on. I'm single and I've turned it down, over and over again. That's just my personal conviction.

So I know it can be done. I know that people can abstain from cheating and some just can't, however I think that's really more about discipline and whether or not you really love someone enough not to do it.

Grindr is a sex app, it is almost unheard of to just make friends on there. Honestly I'd say you knew what you were wanting and what you were doing. No the question is whether you fess up to your boyfriend or keep this hidden.

[VirgoMasquerade]

I hope you realize how much of a dumbass you really are, Do you know how hard some men try to find a relationship but only for guys like you who cheat to jump in front and take the prince riding off into the sunset? Be lucky he somewhat forgave you but don't think this is over... You have the chance of him cheating on you (which i wouldn't blame him for) or you cheating again. You also have the fact that a little part of you in the back of your mind is always gonna be looking at other guys thinking about them in ways a boyfriend shouldn't . Good luck tho

[meridannight]

i don't really have the time or the will to read your whole post, so this is my general take on the matter:

you gotta do what you want to do when you want to do it. not everything we want to do is simple and/or positive. we all have desires and impulses we need to give attention to. you can't always even explain them yourself. and, contrary to what the do-gooders have to say about it, 'negative' actions are not all bad in themselves. you just have to figure it out why it is you're doing what you're doing and whether there's any sense in them for you.

i'm one of those people who doesn't see physical cheating as such a damn catastrophe that the more sensitive souls seem to think it is. nor am i advocating for it. it is what it is, but you better know what it is you're doing and be prepared to take responsibility for your actions.

[Darius]

Something fishy here. Your avatar says you are 19 and you say you have been in a relationship for 2 1/2 years and live together. You also say you travel all around the country for work. Then you meet and fall for a guy who is even younger than you and in a strange city on his own, too. Doesn't sound like a typical 19 year old.
But aside from that, it's obvious you are not committed to your bf and the sooner you tell him it's over, the better. He deserves better.

[InbetweenDreams]

people who doesn't see physical cheating as such a damn catastrophe that the more sensitive souls seem to think it is. nor am i advocating for it. it is what it is, but you better know what it is you're doing and be prepared to take responsibility for your actions.

I mean I wouldn't call it a catastrophe, but definitely a betrayal and definitely an indicator of problems in the relationship...at the least being sexual issues/tension.

I'm curious what your views are on physical cheating...not condemning them, just to be clear. I'm curious on your perspective is all.

I don't know that it is the act of having sex with another person being that bad thing, but the lies that follow. Dated someone for a couple months, earlier this year, who basically lied about everything, how they felt, after pressuring me to make commitments I felt weary about making to begin with. I think that being deceived is worse than the crime.

Opinions vary greatly on this topic.

[Borg69]

You are what I call a "Fair Weather Boyfriend". As long as everything is going good, fun, exciting, adventurous, great sex, ... you're all in. But once you start having to make some actual commitments, sacrifices, and adult decisions that don't revolve around you and YOUR immediate needs, you bail.

I'm going to give you the benefit of doubt and say a good portion of this is your age and lack of experience. All too often guys your age fall into relationships based more on looks, being horny, and loneliness thinking it's "true love" but not based on anything concrete or substantial.

Relationships aren't easy. They're not always 'fun'. They ARE a LOT of work. They're a lot of compromises. They're also trial and error. You're not the first to screw up. Learn from your mistakes. Do some soul searching and figure out exactly what it is you want in life, and in a BF.

Maybe you're not ready for a commitment... which is fine. Go play the field. Have fun. But don't make promises you can't keep.

[Bowyn Aerrow]

To quote some sage old Elf we once had on this forum often, "Youth - ain't worth a thing until you have experience, then its too late."

oh wait those are my words.

You and your SO have hit a few snags that takes a few tries for most people to figure out.

Such as Topic A - Alpha One, Zero One: Did we fall out of love?

See few people know that there are stages to love, and that the first hot passionate stage of love just simply does not last for long. Now if you are thinking to yourself that you can break the odds and the certainty of that, then you are in for a seriously long, horrible string of flash in the pan relationships.

Couples who fight together stay together. Well within reason. If its all blood, police and someone going to jail its not reasonable. But bickering is the stage of love where a couple discovers who does what when/where in the relationship. Sorry, unless you are in the "perfect" Dom/sub relationship (no such beast) there is a stage where bickering and arguments take place. It is also known as the power struggle.

I strongly suggest that you and your BF both go on a google-fest and google up the "Stages of Love" - and read together what happens as a relationship matures.

If you feel this relationship is over, then I still strongly suggest that you have your BF look up that topic and you do as well, so you can take some useful information into the next relationship.

As for cheating. This is the break it point for most individuals. Most likely you have already broke this relationship. If you were my bf and I found out, I would definitely call it quits. Mind that only took me about 48 years to figure out that there should not be second, third, hundreds of chances on this score.

[TigerLover]

Look pal you are clearly not ready to be in a serious relationship. Not many men your age are. You want to explore and you want the thrill of sex with new people. You want thrills and excitement and there's nothing wrong with that.
Your relationship may have been happy and healthy but it isn't thrilling anymore.

You really need to break this off. You're just making yourself guilty and hurting him.
You're just going to keep betraying him and betraying him because a monogamous relationship no matter how good cannot satisfy your current needs.

And fuck asking for an open relationship. Cheating on someome twice then asking for an open relationship is like throwing a brick through somones window then asking for it back. You pissed all over the original agreement and now you want him to enter into a new one just to suit your needs.

One final word. That beautiful guy you met. Do not leave your BF for him unless he agrees to an open relationship. You need to just screw around for a while don't do this to someone else.

[Confuzzled4]

I read some of the post, not all I don't have the will to. I must say though this relationship definitely needs to end, this is not a healthy loving relationship.