06-22-2016, 08:23 AM
So here's the deal, I'm not posting with the intent of getting sympathy for my regret or being told that what I did was wrong. I'm mainly posting to get this off my chest and also to see what perspectives others can offer to explain to me why I'm feeling the way I am.
I have been dating my boyfriend for about two and a half years now, and though we have been through a lot of very difficult times, both within our personal lives and between each other, during the relationship, overall it has gone pretty well. Recently (the past few months) I have started to feel like I have fallen out of love with my boyfriend, and I think it started when we started to living together (we're both attending the same university); of course, I mostly regret the decision to live together now. We bicker a lot, which is fine I suppose, but I feel like I harbor resentment towards him and can't stop these thoughts that he might not be right for me or that I might prefer to be single at this point in my life. With all of this happening recently, we have almost broken up probably three times. I feel terrible knowing how bad he must feel, because even if I don't love him, I still care about him and how he feels. But I still keep coming back to feeling like something isn't right in the relationship and that it may be better if it ended - it's more of an intuition that I can't exactly put my finger on. I have always suspected that my uncertainty about the relationship is partly due to the fact that it has been my first serious relationship, and so I never got a chance to date and see for myself what I do and don't want. Not sure if this is actually a meaningful explanation, though.
Anyway, with that background out of the way, now it's time for the confession. My boyfriend is away this whole summer, finally pursuing something he has dreamed of doing since he was a kid. I am happy for him, and have definitely missed him a bit, which is a promising sign for the relationship for me. What's more is that we BARELY ever have a chance to text, and for sure never even call, due to the nature of what he's doing. After I dropped him off for the summer, on my drive back home (across a few states) I found myself getting on Grindr, Tinder, etc. I think I was subconsciously looking to flirt with and maybe see someone else. Maybe it stemmed with my uncertainty with my relationship or from the fact that I knew I had just said goodbye to my boyfriend for the summer...I'm not sure. Long story short, I ended up hooking up with a random guy on my route home. It kind of just happened, and afterwards I felt incredibly guilty, ashamed, and terrible. I immediately confessed to my boyfriend, and though he said he was pissed, he forgave me. And I forgave myself, glad that I told him straight away and vowing that I would never cheat again, especially because I never in a million years thought that I would cheat.
Fast forward maybe a month, I then traveled to a distant city for a work conference (I actually just got back from this conference.) While there, I was active on the apps again, especially with so many guys around in the big city (something I'm not used to). I felt good getting the attention, simply just talking to other guys, etc. All this time I had posted on my profile that I was in an LTR and was just looking for friends. While in the city, though, I actually even met a couple guys who turned out to be really nice and just showed me around the city...nothing more than that. Then, a couple nights before I left, I basically was hellbent on sleeping with a guy from Grindr. I was intentional about it, too, not feeling guilty going into it like the first time. Maybe it's because I had been very distant from my boyfriend at this point with no prospect of communication, let alone seeing him? I ended up hosting a guy in my hotel room, thought I was going to go threw with it, but just as we started having sex, I told him that I couldn't do it. That I was in a relationship and that he had to leave. He took it much better than I would have expected, thankfully. Then, the next day, feeling like I had done a good job of defying my temptation, it happened for real. This time a guy contacted me -- he was younger than me -- and it was on my last night in the city. I know it sounds strange, but I just wanted to do it, even though I knew I felt more guilty than ever before in my life the first time I cheated, even though I felt good about narrowly avoiding cheating again the night before. But maybe it was this specific guy, I'm not sure. When I got to his hotel room (he was also visiting), I discovered that he was truly beautiful. And not just that, but incredibly friendly, kind, interesting, funny, and basically just desirable. We enjoyed just talking for maybe forty-five minutes before anything happened. And then the sex was also great. I'll just say it: I'm pretty sure I felt a closer connection with this guy during sex then I had for a long time with my boyfriend. Maybe it was partly because of his great personality, how we talked with one another, maybe because it was actually his first time having sex, and I wanted to make him feel good about and validated. When we finished, we talked for another hour, shared secrets about things like how we both have pathetic crushes on our straight friends, etc. And now we're still in touch, and I feel like I want to see him again...get to know him better. I haven't told my boyfriend about it yet. And I'm not even sure if I will. I know that that's wrong, but I don't know what to do -- especially because this time, I did not feel as bad about it after it happened. But maybe that's because I had such a good connection and experience with this guy?
With all this in mind, I'm also afraid that I might continue in my seeking/flirty behavior, even though I know I should get off the apps. But maybe it's what I really want deep down??? I was considering asking my boyfriend if we could do an open relationship, perhaps as a way of validating what I have done without actually having to confess to him about it a second time. Of course, this would be selfish because he's not here to communicate with me about the open relationship, it didn't work before (due to jealousy), and it would be unbalanced since I doubt he's have a chance to sleep with other guys based on what he's doing this summer.
I'm very sorry that this was potentially the longest post ever in the history of the internet, but it all just kind of flowed out of me. So at the very least, it was therapeutic, I guess. I guess if anyone has advice/ideas, I'm curious about what to do, how I should be feeling, etc...
Thanks
I have been dating my boyfriend for about two and a half years now, and though we have been through a lot of very difficult times, both within our personal lives and between each other, during the relationship, overall it has gone pretty well. Recently (the past few months) I have started to feel like I have fallen out of love with my boyfriend, and I think it started when we started to living together (we're both attending the same university); of course, I mostly regret the decision to live together now. We bicker a lot, which is fine I suppose, but I feel like I harbor resentment towards him and can't stop these thoughts that he might not be right for me or that I might prefer to be single at this point in my life. With all of this happening recently, we have almost broken up probably three times. I feel terrible knowing how bad he must feel, because even if I don't love him, I still care about him and how he feels. But I still keep coming back to feeling like something isn't right in the relationship and that it may be better if it ended - it's more of an intuition that I can't exactly put my finger on. I have always suspected that my uncertainty about the relationship is partly due to the fact that it has been my first serious relationship, and so I never got a chance to date and see for myself what I do and don't want. Not sure if this is actually a meaningful explanation, though.
Anyway, with that background out of the way, now it's time for the confession. My boyfriend is away this whole summer, finally pursuing something he has dreamed of doing since he was a kid. I am happy for him, and have definitely missed him a bit, which is a promising sign for the relationship for me. What's more is that we BARELY ever have a chance to text, and for sure never even call, due to the nature of what he's doing. After I dropped him off for the summer, on my drive back home (across a few states) I found myself getting on Grindr, Tinder, etc. I think I was subconsciously looking to flirt with and maybe see someone else. Maybe it stemmed with my uncertainty with my relationship or from the fact that I knew I had just said goodbye to my boyfriend for the summer...I'm not sure. Long story short, I ended up hooking up with a random guy on my route home. It kind of just happened, and afterwards I felt incredibly guilty, ashamed, and terrible. I immediately confessed to my boyfriend, and though he said he was pissed, he forgave me. And I forgave myself, glad that I told him straight away and vowing that I would never cheat again, especially because I never in a million years thought that I would cheat.
Fast forward maybe a month, I then traveled to a distant city for a work conference (I actually just got back from this conference.) While there, I was active on the apps again, especially with so many guys around in the big city (something I'm not used to). I felt good getting the attention, simply just talking to other guys, etc. All this time I had posted on my profile that I was in an LTR and was just looking for friends. While in the city, though, I actually even met a couple guys who turned out to be really nice and just showed me around the city...nothing more than that. Then, a couple nights before I left, I basically was hellbent on sleeping with a guy from Grindr. I was intentional about it, too, not feeling guilty going into it like the first time. Maybe it's because I had been very distant from my boyfriend at this point with no prospect of communication, let alone seeing him? I ended up hosting a guy in my hotel room, thought I was going to go threw with it, but just as we started having sex, I told him that I couldn't do it. That I was in a relationship and that he had to leave. He took it much better than I would have expected, thankfully. Then, the next day, feeling like I had done a good job of defying my temptation, it happened for real. This time a guy contacted me -- he was younger than me -- and it was on my last night in the city. I know it sounds strange, but I just wanted to do it, even though I knew I felt more guilty than ever before in my life the first time I cheated, even though I felt good about narrowly avoiding cheating again the night before. But maybe it was this specific guy, I'm not sure. When I got to his hotel room (he was also visiting), I discovered that he was truly beautiful. And not just that, but incredibly friendly, kind, interesting, funny, and basically just desirable. We enjoyed just talking for maybe forty-five minutes before anything happened. And then the sex was also great. I'll just say it: I'm pretty sure I felt a closer connection with this guy during sex then I had for a long time with my boyfriend. Maybe it was partly because of his great personality, how we talked with one another, maybe because it was actually his first time having sex, and I wanted to make him feel good about and validated. When we finished, we talked for another hour, shared secrets about things like how we both have pathetic crushes on our straight friends, etc. And now we're still in touch, and I feel like I want to see him again...get to know him better. I haven't told my boyfriend about it yet. And I'm not even sure if I will. I know that that's wrong, but I don't know what to do -- especially because this time, I did not feel as bad about it after it happened. But maybe that's because I had such a good connection and experience with this guy?
With all this in mind, I'm also afraid that I might continue in my seeking/flirty behavior, even though I know I should get off the apps. But maybe it's what I really want deep down??? I was considering asking my boyfriend if we could do an open relationship, perhaps as a way of validating what I have done without actually having to confess to him about it a second time. Of course, this would be selfish because he's not here to communicate with me about the open relationship, it didn't work before (due to jealousy), and it would be unbalanced since I doubt he's have a chance to sleep with other guys based on what he's doing this summer.
I'm very sorry that this was potentially the longest post ever in the history of the internet, but it all just kind of flowed out of me. So at the very least, it was therapeutic, I guess. I guess if anyone has advice/ideas, I'm curious about what to do, how I should be feeling, etc...
Thanks