Need advice. BF is close to his X. Should I worry?

[Jonathanp55]

So my boyfriend and I have been together 3 months. Dated for 4 and a half. It is going very well. It is serious. The "I love you" has not started yet but the feeling are definitely there on both our parts. Yesterday he admitted his "baggage" that his best friend and him dated and he had major feeling for him. And that his friend did not feel the same. He said he does not have the feelings anymore. And I asked him if I was a rebound or second. He said no. He is very close to this friend. Texts him all the time. He is staying with him for a week this summer. He brought this up and did reassure me. I just feel bad. Kind of hurt for some reason. Should I be concerned? Or should I just take his word for it? Can gay guys just be friends with an ex? Or best friends? I obviously have too many feelings to bail now. Which he admitted he wanted to tell me. But wanted to make sure we were stable so I didn't bail. one of my ex's had the same situation before. And I was with him for a year and never had an issue. So it can work I guess. But I want to come first before his best friend. Idk.

[CorsacReborn]

So my boyfriend and I have been together 3 months. Dated for 4 and a half. It is going very well. It is serious. The "I love you" has not started yet but the feeling are definitely there on both our parts. Yesterday he admitted his "baggage" that his best friend and him dated and he had major feeling for him. And that his friend did not feel the same. He said he does not have the feelings anymore. And I asked him if I was a rebound or second. He said no. He is very close to this friend. Texts him all the time. He is staying with him for a week this summer. He brought this up and did reassure me. I just feel bad. Kind of hurt for some reason. Should I be concerned? Or should I just take his word for it? Can gay guys just be friends with an ex? Or best friends? I obviously have too many feelings to bail now. Which he admitted he wanted to tell me. But wanted to make sure we were stable so I didn't bail. one of my ex's had the same situation before. And I was with him for a year and never had an issue. So it can work I guess. But I want to come first before his best friend. Idk.

Being gay doesn't mean that it is more likely that you should be concerned with your boyfriend still being friends with his ex, like you said there were feelings that weren't reciprocated when they were dating.

Being that your relationship with your boyfriend is so far in its infancy stage I wouldn't try to dominate it with "I must come first" as this can sometimes be seen as being possessive.

Sit down with your boyfriend and have a proper chat about how you feel, give him the chance to reassure you that you are that important to him. He can't help ease your mind if you worry about something that may never happen while you're both together and keep it hidden.

[InbetweenDreams]

So my boyfriend and I have been together 3 months. Dated for 4 and a half. It is going very well. It is serious. The "I love you" has not started yet but the feeling are definitely there on both our parts. Yesterday he admitted his "baggage" that his best friend and him dated and he had major feeling for him. And that his friend did not feel the same. He said he does not have the feelings anymore. And I asked him if I was a rebound or second. He said no. He is very close to this friend. Texts him all the time. He is staying with him for a week this summer. He brought this up and did reassure me. I just feel bad. Kind of hurt for some reason. Should I be concerned? Or should I just take his word for it? Can gay guys just be friends with an ex? Or best friends? I obviously have too many feelings to bail now. Which he admitted he wanted to tell me. But wanted to make sure we were stable so I didn't bail. one of my ex's had the same situation before. And I was with him for a year and never had an issue. So it can work I guess. But I want to come first before his best friend. Idk.

Very interesting that he admitted his "baggage" about his best friend...I don't know that it is a problem that he's texting all the time. I'm friends with a couple of my exes (although one is blocked on FB) and occasionally talk to them, so they go be friends and that's it. Any reason or evidence that this might not be the case?

Rebounds are bad bad bad... In any case...bad. So as long as that's not the case probably nothing to worry about. The fact he is admitting all this is a good thing, sounds like he is being honest.

I think you are coming first because you are in a relationship with the guy...something else going on here? Is he not spending any time with you, always hanging out with that guy?

[Anocxu]

I'm not seeing a real reason to be concerned here..

Your BF was up front and honest with you..

Now..
If you SEE that he is truly pre occupied his Ex.. then that is a reason for concern.

Understand.. Your jealousy could easily ruin your relationship. .. however.. expressing your concerns without accusations is not a bad idea either.

Work it out..
Keep us posted.

[MikeW]

So my boyfriend and I have been together 3 months. Dated for 4 and a half. It is going very well. It is serious. The "I love you" has not started yet but the feeling are definitely there on both our parts. Yesterday he admitted his "baggage" that his best friend and him dated and he had major feeling for him. And that his friend did not feel the same. He said he does not have the feelings anymore. And I asked him if I was a rebound or second. He said no. He is very close to this friend. Texts him all the time. He is staying with him for a week this summer. He brought this up and did reassure me. I just feel bad. Kind of hurt for some reason. Should I be concerned? Or should I just take his word for it? Can gay guys just be friends with an ex? Or best friends? I obviously have too many feelings to bail now. Which he admitted he wanted to tell me. But wanted to make sure we were stable so I didn't bail. one of my ex's had the same situation before. And I was with him for a year and never had an issue. So it can work I guess. But I want to come first before his best friend. Idk.

I think it is perfectly reasonable for you to tell your guy exactly what you told us, that you want to come first.

But I also think you need to really consider what that means. How long has your BF known his best friend? I don't know but I wouldn't be surprised if it is years longer than he's known you. Good, true friendships are a rare commodity. They are built through time and shared experience. So, in a sense, it may not be possible for you to come "first" in *every* respect. Maybe, maybe not.

Relationships are different from friendships not only because one involves sex and the other doesn't. It's way more complicated than that. You said yourself that the ILY words have not yet been spoken between you two, even if the feelings are there. Well... your BF may very well love his best friend as well... but in a different way than he loves you.

So, should you "worry"? Well... beyond the fact that worry is a useless emotion that just causes way more problems than it is worth (a sign of insecurity), worry about what exactly? Worry that you do not or will not "come first"? Worry that you'll loose him? (You're far more likely to loose him just by "worrying" about it, IMO.)

I'm suggesting you really dig inside yourself deeply and try to understand what this insecurity is all about. If you're feeling THIS insecure about your BF, maybe you're not ready for a committed relationship with him.

[araya]

I hate it when people say, "can gay guys do this? can gay guys do that?" gay guys are also humans who are more than capable to do what other humans can do.

I know you want to spend more time with him or wanting him to prioritize you, but your BF also need his own time with his friends and families, he even already told you upfront to avoid any misunderstanding. Your over jealousy and insecurity won't get you anywhere.

I once dated a guy who gets jealous every single time over my BFFs, I introduced him to my BFFs when we started dating and he seemed to be still not sure of my platonic relationship with my BFFs because all of them are pure beauty and I'm the ugliest one -sob- I get so tired of him eventually and dumped him over a text then went to karaoke with my BFFs.

If you want to solve your problem, then talk, nothing good will come from ranting to other people and make silly accusations or think bad of your spouse. Talk to him nicely about your insecurities, convey your message clearly to him, be a good and supportive spouse not a control freak.

[Bowyn Aerrow]

Blah blah blah....And that his friend did not feel the same. He said he does not have the feelings anymore. And I asked him if I was a rebound or second. He said no. He is very close to this friend. Yada yada yada.

(Paraphrased to cut the crap out so you can see what really matters in what you posted).
I don't know either, maybe you know something here that would clear up what he is thinking, I mean its not like he told you what is going on....

[95Kyl]

Hey, I created an account just to share my experience on the topic as our situations are scarily similar.

I had been with a guy, the same age as me (20), for 3-4 months . He's from Vietnam but we were both studying in England and will do so for another year. During this time I learned that he still spoke with his ex on a regular basis as friends. This bothered me and we spoke about it, with him explaining that he wasn't sure if he still had feelings for him but that they were not together. I had also known that he had been with other guys in the UK before me. They were together for 2 years until he travelled to the UK 6 months before we met to study. He had said that when he travels back to Vietnam for 2 months in the summer he'd stay at his ex's flat for around a week. So we stayed together knowing he'd return.

The first night he spent at his ex's they went out with friends, drank a lot of alcohol then went back to their flat.. his ex kissed him, he kissed back, and then they did other more intimate things. He told me this the day after it happened. We talked about it and I asked how he really felt about him, to which he said that it didn't feel good and that he realised that he no longer has the same feelings for him. After considering what to do I decided to break up with him, which he of course understood but he obviously was hurting because of it.

In the next few days we talked some more, not as boyfriends. After much more discussion and contemplation on his part he recognised that now was the time for him to truly move on from his ex. A little over a week later he expressed his feelings for me and that he missed not seeing me, he was real sweet and genuine. The whole time we were together he never seemed this way and I guess that is because he wasn't sure whether he actually wanted to be in a relationship with me or with his ex.

If I'm honest, when we were together I knew that he wasn't properly over his ex yet I ignored it. It meant that although we did enjoy our time together, it was never truly real. He'll return in just under a month and we are going to give it a try and see how things go between us. What happened with his ex I understand and am able to move past it. This whole experience has helped him realise what he really wants and I look forward to our time together in the future.

Although I can't be sure about your situation, I would say that if his communication with his ex makes you feel uncomfortable, it's for a reason. You need to make sure that he is truly over him. You don't want to be with someone that is overly negative towards their ex but at the same time you don't want to be with someone that is very close to them either.

Good luck man. Hopefully this is of some help

[Jonathan]

Responsing from my new account: That is a good story and I am sorry that you went through that. But also I am glad you are working through it and that it works out. To kind of wrap up this topic. About a month after writing this he did spend a week with his X. I was a little concerned but he promised me it was just as friends. And it seems like he was right. Because when he came back he said he loved me. The week we were gone I could tell by the text messages that he missed me. So I openly trusted him and it worked. So sometimes we just have to openly trust someone rather we have insecurities or not.

Hey, I created an account just to share my experience on the topic as our situations are scarily similar.

I had been with a guy, the same age as me (20), for 3-4 months . He's from Vietnam but we were both studying in England and will do so for another year. During this time I learned that he still spoke with his ex on a regular basis as friends. This bothered me and we spoke about it, with him explaining that he wasn't sure if he still had feelings for him but that they were not together. I had also known that he had been with other guys in the UK before me. They were together for 2 years until he travelled to the UK 6 months before we met to study. He had said that when he travels back to Vietnam for 2 months in the summer he'd stay at his ex's flat for around a week. So we stayed together knowing he'd return.

The first night he spent at his ex's they went out with friends, drank a lot of alcohol then went back to their flat.. his ex kissed him, he kissed back, and then they did other more intimate things. He told me this the day after it happened. We talked about it and I asked how he really felt about him, to which he said that it didn't feel good and that he realised that he no longer has the same feelings for him. After considering what to do I decided to break up with him, which he of course understood but he obviously was hurting because of it.

In the next few days we talked some more, not as boyfriends. After much more discussion and contemplation on his part he recognised that now was the time for him to truly move on from his ex. A little over a week later he expressed his feelings for me and that he missed not seeing me, he was real sweet and genuine. The whole time we were together he never seemed this way and I guess that is because he wasn't sure whether he actually wanted to be in a relationship with me or with his ex.

If I'm honest, when we were together I knew that he wasn't properly over his ex yet I ignored it. It meant that although we did enjoy our time together, it was never truly real. He'll return in just under a month and we are going to give it a try and see how things go between us. What happened with his ex I understand and am able to move past it. This whole experience has helped him realise what he really wants and I look forward to our time together in the future.

Although I can't be sure about your situation, I would say that if his communication with his ex makes you feel uncomfortable, it's for a reason. You need to make sure that he is truly over him. You don't want to be with someone that is overly negative towards their ex but at the same time you don't want to be with someone that is very close to them either.

Good luck man. Hopefully this is of some help

[Jonathan]

Actually really happy with that response. Thank you that was really insightful