bottoming troubles

[elemenz]

my bf and i don't have sex as much as i want. when i go clean it out, there's often something dirty there, so sex is a no-go. what do you guys do to make sure that things are always pretty clean in there?

when we do actually make it to the bed, the feeling is never consistent. sometimes it's painful, and often the stuff that feels best to him feels the most painful to me. specifically once he's all the way in and then almost pulls out - that's the area that tends to hurt. some days, everything hurts, and other days, it'll feel magical

any suggestions for making sex more consistently comfortable? it certainly doesn't seem like "wearing it in" is the right answer. I use a lot of lube (only silicone-based, the water-based stuff stings like crazy).

thanks for the suggestions.

[meridannight]

i don't know the ingredients of your lubricant, but it shouldn't sting, whether it's water-based, oil-based, or silicone, none of it should sting you. get a plain lubricant with no added scents, or other things that could be irritants.

it's just weird that a water-based lubricant stings you. that is not normal.

[LJay]

See the topic "help with a virgin" below.

[TwisttheLeaf]

Do you happen to have hemorrhoids? It sounds like you might, or some sort of open sores that are causing you issues.

[princealbertofb]

I was thinking maybe you had some minor abrasions that are not obvious to plain sight, but that are there and cause the sting. There is a possibility, if you are using condoms that you are allergic to rubber, therefore you'd need to find some other forms of prophylactics. I think condoms exist in vinyl form too, but you'd have to go looking for those, maybe order some online?

Also, I'm afraid enemas are going to make your rectum and anus more fragile because you're getting rid of the natural coat that protects the mucous membrane. I think you have to remember that an anus and rectum and whole digestive tract are meant for that purpose primarily and that it's to be expected that there might be some sh*t involved. Loosen your bowel some time before you initiate anal sex and there shouldn't be a problem. If there is any uncleanliness, chalk it up to 'life and experience' and move on. Don't have anal sex if you are not feeling comfortable with it (either too full, or too sore). It'll take some planning, but presumably no more planning than having to 'clean yourself inside'. Keep the rest of your body and openings clean and it should be ok. You wouldn't expect to kiss a mouth that didn't produce saliva, would you? Well, think of your other end in a similar way. It produces waste material, in its own time. The rectum should normally be faeces-free unless you need to clear the tract of your last meal-s. Get rid of it the usual way, wash yourself afterwards. Wearing condoms and lubricating generally solve the problem of potential contact between fecal remains and his penis, but there are other forms of sex that don't involve anal that can be just as satisfactory. If you really need anal penetration, maybe your partner can use his fingers, or a toy to pleasure you as you do other things simultaneously.

[princealbertofb]

my bf and i don't have sex as much as i want. when i go clean it out, there's often something dirty there, so sex is a no-go. what do you guys do to make sure that things are always pretty clean in there?

when we do actually make it to the bed, the feeling is never consistent. sometimes it's painful, and often the stuff that feels best to him feels the most painful to me. specifically once he's all the way in and then almost pulls out - that's the area that tends to hurt. some days, everything hurts, and other days, it'll feel magical

any suggestions for making sex more consistently comfortable? it certainly doesn't seem like "wearing it in" is the right answer. I use a lot of lube (only silicone-based, the water-based stuff stings like crazy).

thanks for the suggestions.

The pain to which you refer sounds like he is punching into that area where your bowel takes a sharp turn. Some penetration angles are less painful than others. If he likes to fill you up completely (and if he's a big guy, or you're a smallish guy) this is going to be painful in some cases. It shouldn't be, or at least not unbearably so. Try initiating some new positions, I think there are some that will 'unbend' the angle in your bowel better than others and which will give him the inside length that he needs. Try sitting on him and angling your body in ways that are pleasing to you and that don't hurt.

There is a certain amount of 'wearing in' that goes on if you have sex on a regular basis. The body remembers, but if you are feeling pain, your body will also recoil and tend to remember where the hurt comes from and then you'd probably instinctively contract and make the pain even worse. Part of the fun is managing to loosen up sufficiently to enjoy the experience and not come out of it drained from dealing with pain.

The issue of the pain needs to be addressed with your partner-s. They need to know that although you want them inside you, some positions or some types of thrusts are not pleasurable. If they need to know what you mean, you could offer to top them or to make them discover the pleasures of a toy inside, just so they know what you're up against.

My question is : Is your partner aware of hurting you? Is it also what makes sex seem impossible on a more regular basis? Because he may be feeling that he's hurting you and not enjoying that he's hurting you.
Or maybe he doesn't care, in which case, are you with the right person?

[elemenz]

Thanks everyone for the responses. Sorry for the delayed response.

Hemorrhoids: I did have them a few months ago. They haven't popped up since them but I suppose they could still be making things more tense.

We haven't been using condoms. They were rougher on me. So that makes the dirty problem even worse.

Often I tell him to keep it in and try not to take it out. When it comes out, and then he tries to put it back in, that is usual the most painful feeling. My partner is very conscious to how I feel and we both want to please each other

So, I don't think it's a position problem. I think it has to do with the rectal surface being really sensitive some days. I agree, it could be small abrasions I can't see. Now I wonder what I could do to keep things healthy. Last week it felt super great, like everything was super smooth with no pain. I've been drinking a lot of chia seeds lately for, you know, smooth stool. Maybe this was better for my rectum. Either way, I'll keep trying.

[LJay]

[MENTION=23739]elemenz[/MENTION], you give no indication of where you are but I am hoping you are in a place where you can find a gay-friendly doctor. Believe it or not, you can google it and add your zip code and you may well get some results. Finding one may allow you to talk frankly about your concerns.

The other route is simply to ask your regular doctor to refer you to a gastroenterologist for an exam. Tell him your having discomfort and just want to check it out.

I doubt that anything is seriously wrong, but getting it checked out by a doctor could allay some concerns that you may have and that alone may help you to relax and have fun.