Sexuality and Settling Down

[InbetweenDreams]

There are no rewards in life without risk. I think you might be suffering from a risk deficiency.

To take some chances and deal with the consequences may serve you well. Or it may end in disaster, in which case you limp home to your parents or sister, or live in a shoebox with too many roommates.

That may very well have a lot to do with things. I don't know if risk deficiency is an actual thing but I get what you mean. Might explain why I am the way I am possibly, at least some of it.

I do think that might be on the right track when I think on pretty much everything I have done....even in my childhood. Perhaps it is all anxiety, the worry about bad outcomes, being overly cautious and analytical. I am one to think about (or worry) situations and possible outcomes. At the same time I'm hauling ass down the highway 90+ MPH...the only thing that has worked at getting myself to not drive so fast (one I think trading in for a Prius would help on many accounts having the fuel economy read outs constantly) is watching IIHS crash tests. I have to keep telling myself that is only 40 MPH...think what 100 MPH would do to a car. Anyway, I worry about things and worry about things ending badly. I see myself being far too trusting and far too agreeable with people I hardly know. So perhaps all the worrying and being overly cautious makes up for that but at a fairly steep price. Then again it might be me not acknowledging that I don't want to take certain responsibilities or take the easy way out but maybe that's being too hard on myself.

Part of the reason I never flew the coup is over my mother. She's been ill since I was a kid and there has always been the looming fear that we are going to lose her. Several brain tumors were discovered in 1992 and they didn't expect her to live back then and since she's got many other health complications... It's a long list and no need to dive into details. My dad is kind of the opposite of everyone, he's not one to express emotion, except anger, and at times I've debated whether or not he actually feels empathy, or perhaps he desensitized by everything that has gone on with my mom and just can't do it? I don't know.

One thing for sure is that the 10 or so years I spent getting stoned with friends I could have used to work on all the issues I have now, could have had my own place. I think that pretty much explains it all right there. I know not everyone turns into a burn out because the smoke pot but I did and that's why I needed to stop. In my case it took a trip to the ER to get that moment of clarity otherwise I may have very well been on the same track. I mean when your whole life and paycheck is devoted to finding a bag of weed that's when you have a problem. Everyone who is about my age who smokes weed never see it as a problem while they're living in the basement of their friends house... In hindsight it is clear as day, only the older folks can "hold their smoke." Then again, that's even a mixed bag and I know it isn't exactly right to point my finger and say oh the weed is what got you here...could have been but who really knows. For me though, yeah it was getting out of hand and largely why I didn't do anything in that time frame.

Well I've quit all that and I guess I'm trying to make up for the lost time and who knows. I guess I'm a mess, maybe not of the worst kind but certainly have my issues to work out.

Anyway, this is getting a bit personal. I might have to take [MENTION=20933]LJay[/MENTION] 's advice and start PM-ing folks. I don't mind talking about it but for it to be indexed by Google not sure if I like that. I don't have anything to hide in all this but it might keep me from working for the Fed's lol....

[LJay]

[MENTION=23180]axle2152[/MENTION], I actually thought about suggesting that you tink about trading in that expensive car for something more economical. whatever, PLEASE do not go down the road at 1000 MPH. We would like to keep you around!

Ever thought that your father may have great deal of empathy and that he gets angry because he is so frustrated over your mother's health and other things. It can happen.

About risk deficiency: I used to ski a bit. We have this one slope nearby that is pretty much straight down and fast. It terrified me. All I could do was fall down the damned thing. Then one very wintry day my best friend took me up there. Now I have a nice pair of skis that are 185 in length and moderate in design. His were racing skis that are 210's. We each took two hits of acid and found ourselves at the top of the slope. I knew I was gonna die. Well, I didn't. I ended up not only staying upright but roaring past Mr. 210's all the way to the bottom. Foolish? Yes. ABSOLUTELY GLORIOUS!! You betcha. Whether or not I would do it again is open to debate but I can say that casting aside my fear of risk at that moment was not a mistake and that I learned a lot. [God, I loved that man. He died young from disease. I mourn daily.]

[InbetweenDreams]

[MENTION=23180]axle2152[/MENTION], I actually thought about suggesting that you tink about trading in that expensive car for something more economical. whatever, PLEASE do not go down the road at 1000 MPH. We would like to keep you around!

Ever thought that your father may have great deal of empathy and that he gets angry because he is so frustrated over your mother's health and other things. It can happen.

About risk deficiency: I used to ski a bit. We have this one slope nearby that is pretty much straight down and fast. It terrified me. All I could do was fall down the damned thing. Then one very wintry day my best friend took me up there. Now I have a nice pair of skis that are 185 in length and moderate in design. His were racing skis that are 210's. We each took two hits of acid and found ourselves at the top of the slope. I knew I was gonna die. Well, I didn't. I ended up not only staying upright but roaring past Mr. 210's all the way to the bottom. Foolish? Yes. ABSOLUTELY GLORIOUS!! You betcha. Whether or not I would do it again is open to debate but I can say that casting aside my fear of risk at that moment was not a mistake and that I learned a lot. [God, I loved that man. He died young from disease. I mourn daily.]

I do plan on trading the car in but I won't be able to do that until I pay on it some more...no sense in rolling over debt into more debt, it would only make owning a less expensive car more expensive. These things lose so much value takes at least 2 years to hopefully break even.

My dad is another subject. I'll send you a PM, it is complicated, it really is. I'm not saying he doesn't care but frustration is certainly a problem for him and he has never in my 30 years been able to relax at all.

About the risk deficiency are you saying that because of that I am taking on things I shouldn't or that I'm not taking enough risks in life in general...or both...?

[LJay]

[MENTION=23180]axle2152[/MENTION], I am just agreeing with Camfer in general. Nothing ventured nothing gained, as the saying goes. I don't see from what you have written that you have taken on any risks that you shouldn't. You did the triathlon and came through very well. Pooped when it was over, but doing something like that brings on the best kind of tired. You have taken some risks with a few hikes on the Rim Trail. What seemed really good about those is that you gave it a good try and wisely retreated when things were not working well. Good job. In neither the hiking or the biking you have written about have you have gone into new things with preparation and common sense, but you have still taken risks. So continue the pattern. You have done well so far. I really woud not advise doing something like I did skiing down that snowy mountain. That was stupid but I was lucky enough to come out of it well and I learned. I imagine that [MENTION=20941]Camfer[/MENTION] would agree with me that you should keep on taking steps into the unknown so that you will gain confidence and gather new insights. Some risks, like moving, are bigger steps than others but I can tell you that if I had not moved to Boston with nothing but a trunk full of clothes and tools, I would have missed one of the best times of my life and I grew because of it. Please, [MENTION=20941]Camfer[/MENTION], feel free to step in and say so if I have said something dumb.

[Camfer]

Yes, the cure for risk deficiency is to take a bit more risk in your life.

You have a marketable skill with your technical knowledge and experience, so you could pretty much move anywhere.

Given your past, maybe a state with recreational cannabis should not be the first choice, but Colorado is booming right now.

If you move somewhere where you don't need a car, that might get you out of the sports car burden. Assuming you're underwater on that loan, you sell the car, pay off the rest in a lump sum, and be done. You should not be buying new cars in your financial situation. A used private party car where you pay cash makes way more sense.

[InbetweenDreams]

The way I see it is currently selling the car right now is a no go. So my choices are wait until next year hoping the value and what I owe at the very least match up and can save back some money. The other option is that I refinance the loan lowering the payment....I would only see that as being a good option if I can lower the payment by more than half, that's probably not going to be the case anytime soon, so the first option probably makes more sense.

The problem with buying a car with cash is...cash and the lack there of. New cars yeah, probably should stay away but. One thing for sure, I should have kept the prius I was coming out ahead on gas, especially when gas was still high. Right now with gas being so low might cost $17 tops to fill up and be able to go 450 miles on less than 10 gallons of gas, plus everything was less expensive...smaller tires, dealer gave 10% back on all service, so when you do finally need tires the next 2-3 services for oil and such end up being free. With the challenger, none of that is the case, outside of it being fun to drive, it doesn't (comparatively) get good gas mileage, no rebates, no deals, tires are expensive as hell.

I wouldn't say I'm under water, as in, unable to pay. I make a point to pay all my bills but I have no trouble creating them. It's just too expensive and is making everything else difficult.

It may take more than another year to get to a point where I can realistically do anything about it. One thing for sure unless $10k suddenly appears the car is here to stay for at least another year, maybe 2. I definitely do not want to roll over any debt into a new car loan -- Oh but they'll do it, they don't care.

I do have a marketable skill but with a 2 year degree, that is probably all fine and dandy here in NC but might be worthless in other states, I haven't done my due diligence in researching that. I need papers, I do have the skills but I should have long ago got several certifications, just never invested in doing that, again, this all from the time period where I was busy getting high and such. Or well now, buying other crap and being concerned with other things. The exams can get expensive but it's money well spent. Plus everyone has always told me make your employer pay for it...none have and nothing around here probably will.

[Cobalt]

I don't know if my input at this point is really necessary but I guess I'll chime in.
Sexuality is really complicated, I've gone from "straight", "to" bi, to gay, to thinking maybe I was really bi, then reaffirming my gay-ness. If I absolutely positively needed to have sex with a woman (why a situation like that would arise I have no idea, but I'm talking hypothetical here) I could maybe do it, I think. But I don't want to, nor do I want a relationship with a woman.

When I was going through my "am I really gay?" phase what got me out of it was stop thinking purely in terms of sex. I thought more about everything else a relationship is. I thought about coming home to someone/having them come to me, sitting down to dinner with someone, cuddling up in bed or on the couch with someone, talking about my deepest fears to, sharing my happiest moments with, etc. etc. I realized I wanted all of those things to be with a man, never a woman. I'm not saying I hate woman, quite the opposite really! I adore woman, I find it so much easier to get along with them or get to know them then I do a man. However, I couldn't see myself doing all those relationship-type things with a woman. It wasn't what came to mind when I thought about a relationship.

I think THAT is the difference between bisexual or gay/straight. It's not about sex. I think just about everyone could sleep with either gender. It's what you want, and what gender you want it with, in a relationship that determines your sexuality. If you could see yourself doing all those little relationshipy things with a man OR a woman then in my opinion, there's a good chance your bi.

How to meet people is a whole different ballgame...online dating works, I can attest to that. I never intended moving out of Massachusetts ever but, a guy I met on a dating site was from Texas and well, here I am now. Of course my situation was a special one, not saying you'd have the same experience. I'm just advocating for online dating. There's a whole different set of rules for online dating than there is for in-person dating but I'm sure you already know those (safety and all that). It doesn't hurt to be open an honest. If you're still figuring out your sexuality, tell a potential partner that. Especially if you're just doing casual meetups/dating then it shouldn't hurt things to tell them that. If they're just wanting to be friends with you to start with it shouldn't change anything. If they know that and still continue to show interest in you on a romantic level, then you know it's obviously not a problem.

I'm drawing a blank for what else I wanted to say, I read your first post much earlier in the day and forgot some of what I wanted to say but, hopefully I've been some help.

[InbetweenDreams]

[MENTION=22914]Cobalt[/MENTION] I took one of these tests that is supposed to rank your sexuality, I forget the name of the test, but I ended up being 60/40, so I'm slightly more gay than straight. The real question is whether or not the test is skewed due to my experiences with men or lack of women.,..who knows. Either way I never thought I would be unsure about things at 30, but then again I hear it all the time how someone didn't meet their partner until way later. It would be nice to meet this person (who's likely fictional) soon.

[Cobalt]

Self tests are hard because of the way questions can be worded. There's also going into a self test with sort of a preconceived notion of what results you're expecting. If you're feeling confused/unsure at the moment you're probably going to answer down the middle for almost everything. But if you just got a crush on a girl, you'd probably skew more towards a woman. Or if you just hooked up with a guy and really enjoyed it, you would tend to be voting more towards men. So I guess your mindset and timing of the test can be more indicative of your results than the actual test or questions could ever be.

[InbetweenDreams]

That is true. On the personality tests I'm pretty certain I'm an INFJ, I have taken the test many many times over a long period of time and always comes back the same...I can't say the same for the sexuality test, I've taken it maybe once or twice.

I discussed this among some of my gay friends, although one of them was more interested in cracking jokes...so I didn't get to have an in-depth discussion. One question I got asked was "Do you see yourself being with a woman for the rest of your life?" I answered with a pause, yes. I also in returned saying "Do I see myself being with a man the rest of my life?" I said possibly yes, but thinking on it and considering the nature of gay dating and my own experiences it is not favorable at all. I know a good deal of the folks here on the forum have partners, have been partners it just seems very unfavorable today. There's too many guys who want to hook up, have a 3rd, just chat, nsa, catfish and not enough guys who legitimately want to date. The other problem is myself, I do have standards and while I am drawn to guys I seldom feel comfortable and I do there's always something else wrong between me and the guy, compatibility.

Sex sex sex, everything boils down to sex before anything else. I had some younger guy chat me up and all of a sudden send me a picture of his asshole. Yeah it was grindr, I suppose it is par for the course? Why is it par for the course? It just seems that people have no dignity or self-respect? I get the whole thing about trading pictures and all but right out of the blue right after saying "Hi, how are you?" I wish I could say that is the only time that has happened... I get that stuff too often. I just don't get it. If these apps are the wrong place period, what is there that's left? In a small town, what are the odds of finding someone my age, decent looking, wants to settle down and maybe have kids and so on? I mean there's more to me than wanting to have kids, I want to travel and explore new things. It just doesn't seem like that's going to happen.

My thoughts are to date a girl and find out for myself, I wish it were that easy. I honestly has zero clues how to proceed. I mean finding gay guys are easy enough, load up POF, Grindr, etc... Finding women to date not the same thing and that whole scene is foreign to me. However, I am probably overthinking everything and far too worried.

Easier said than done.