Worst Date Ever - Better Judgement?

[LJay]

Axle, please don't think of the exit I described in my last email as being mean. Mean is a word for intentional cruelty. What I described is blunt but highly polite. You are not giving a reason for your actions. You are not being insulting or cruel. You are simply saying that you must leave and offering the other person the opportunity to go with you. When you get to the car, if there is any doubt in the other person's mind, you simply say, "I am sorry. I must take you home now." There is really no need to say anything moe. This may all seem a bit rough to you, but in fact it is rather polite, if icy. From your many posts here, I can tell that you ae simply not a mean person. Trust me on that one.

[InbetweenDreams]

Axle, please don't think of the exit I described in my last email as being mean. Mean is a word for intentional cruelty. What I described is blunt but highly polite. You are not giving a reason for your actions. You are not being insulting or cruel. You are simply saying that you must leave and offering the other person the opportunity to go with you. When you get to the car, if there is any doubt in the other person's mind, you simply say, "I am sorry. I must take you home now." There is really no need to say anything moe. This may all seem a bit rough to you, but in fact it is rather polite, if icy. From your many posts here, I can tell that you ae simply not a mean person. Trust me on that one.

I always try to connect the dots in things like this. It connects to that I don't assert myself in social situations. I end up doing or not doing things I wanted and it is the same sort of thing when it comes to allowing awful dates to go on longer. I tell myself it is giving someone the benefit of the doubt but that's not the case. I would not find someone eating food with their hands (unless it is pizza or something else where it is acceptable to do so) or someone who makes me wait another 15 minutes after driving 45 minutes, or someone who rambles on and on and doesn't let talk as someone who I would want do date but here I am.

I don't know if it has to do with the online scene and the lack of decent guys to go on dates with. I think in a city I would find more of both but pretty sure decent guys are just as hard to find...but people who breathe loudly through their mouth are aplenty. I think the proportions are the same, there are undeniably more dumb people in this world (and they're reproducing!).

It is almost like I have to answer to some imaginary authoritative figure that doesn't exist. The truth is I need not to please anyone but myself...with strings attached. I mean it's a pretty good idea to keep people like my boss, co-workers and family in good graces, but for some jerk who can't eat with a knife and fork, fuck that guy lol

Now I feel like Adam Sandler in Anger Management lol

[Beaux]

axle2152, honey, there is a difference between being "nice" and being honest. I find, that being honest alleviates the need to be "nice". Now, that isn't to say all people respond well to honesty, but that problem falls squarely on their shoulders, not yours.

I hope your future dates improve, and I also hope that you consider taking a good honest approach in the future, rather than trying to spare someone's feelings.

Xoxo,
~Beaux

[Camfer]

It's okay to give someone the benefit of the doubt. Then there's a moment when you no longer have any doubt, and you know fully and completely that it is never going to work with the guy. You can feel it when your whole being is saying "No way! Get out of here!"

Don't doubt yourself when that happens; take action. It is in that moment that you extricate yourself from him. It can be as simple as, "We're not a match. I've got to go."

You can get better at this over time. Or better yet, may you never have to experience it again! But somehow I see this as a useful dating skill for the future, I'm afraid.

[InbetweenDreams]

axle2152, honey, there is a difference between being "nice" and being honest. I find, that being honest alleviates the need to be "nice". Now, that isn't to say all people respond well to honesty, but that problem falls squarely on their shoulders, not yours.

I hope your future dates improve, and I also hope that you consider taking a good honest approach in the future, rather than trying to spare someone's feelings.

Xoxo,
~Beaux

I have found, well in my experiences, people don't like it when people are being honest. People don't like being called out on their shit.

Despite all that, this is very much correct. I mean in this specific case, I don't care if I hurt that guy's feelings, that was beyond me giving a fuck. Me giving a fuck about his feelings ended after he ate like a 4 year old. Everything I done beyond that was fucking stupid on my part.

It's okay to give someone the benefit of the doubt. Then there's a moment when you no longer have any doubt, and you know fully and completely that it is never going to work with the guy. You can feel it when your whole being is saying "No way! Get out of here!"

Don't doubt yourself when that happens; take action. It is in that moment that you extricate yourself from him. It can be as simple as, "We're not a match. I've got to go."

You can get better at this over time. Or better yet, may you never have to experience it again! But somehow I see this as a useful dating skill for the future, I'm afraid.

I think it is a matter of getting used to a fact that it isn't a matter of being indecent or selfish. It feels like I am being unfair, unjust, whatever when I am really putting myself through hell and God forbid this ding dong of a guy thinks I actually like him and things are going well. I mean it was almost cartoonish, something you would fabricate it was THAT bad. Which is why I kind of wonder if he was acting like that on purpose....that or took drugs before I picked him up... Couldn't have smoked anything because I would have smelled it.

I guess the moral of all this is that being "selfish" isn't being selfish...I don't know that is even the right word because ending a bad date isn't being selfish. I don't owe some stranger a good night and dinner on me anyway. Misplaced guilt? Where's that coming from?

I need to think of it like this. By dating a guy like that and allowing it to go on is devaluation. I know I deserve better than that. Now, that being said, I know I have my faults, my problems. There are many things I can sit and nit pick about that I think other guys would not like about me...but how many guys actually? Who knows. I have found that the things guys who have dated me don't like I often miss and the things I think of more often are superficial and really aren't things I need to be worrying about. I mean I do shower, I am presentable, I feel that I have a respectable job in a respectable profession. I doubt I'll be dating a millionaire or anything like that but fuck an a that was bad lol

I can't completely blame the area but I think there is something to say. I seem to get a lot of duds (with the exception of a few). Of all the guys I have dated the number of guys in hindsight I thought would have made good partners, like lifelong, maybe 1 or 2 would have made it on that list.... Unfortunately, I'm pretty good at fucking up a good thing so yep.

At any rate the only thing I have learned at my failures. Is if things don't work out, can always have a friend as it is always better than having nothing at all.

Anyway, enough of that. Just need to find better ways of finding better guys to date and focus on getting myself out of debt. If it weren't for that I would be free to things that I want, like move, or buy a blow up doll lol... I'm kidding.

[Beaux]

I have found, well in my experiences, people don't like it when people are being honest. People don't like being called out on their shit.

Which is what makes "Honesty" such a wonderful bullshit filter! LOL
~Beaux

[Borg69]

I don't think you did anything wrong... other than maybe not vetting him better before agreeing to put yourself that far out there to meet him. You were polite and a gentleman, even at your own expense. A true prince among men. What's sad is the great opportunity that he threw away... intentionally or not. He may very well spend years wondering what he did wrong, and reliving and second guessing everything real and imagined.

... but at least you tried, and at least you have some idea what you think you want out of a guy that seems pretty realistic. Not many guys are that well adjusted- believe it or not. Hang in there. You'll be rewarded for your efforts.

[kindy64]

At least he doesn't post here. Imagine, if you will, a sad sack posting the story above from the opposite perspective.

[InbetweenDreams]

At least he doesn't post here. Imagine, if you will, a sad sack posting the story above from the opposite perspective.

I don't think he was coherent or awake enough to have much to say.... I thought he might have been on something because he passed out on the drive back, it was only 8 PM...

He spent of the time talking so he would probably say I was a stuck up asshole who couldn't carry a conversation...even though I literally couldn't talk.

Otherwise I don't know what kind of nonsense he would be fabricating. This is one of those times where his feedback or commentary doesn't matter. I know it would seem that such a horrible date could only be made up, but it was pretty bad and I'm not at fault other than allowing by allowing it to go on.

Don't get me wrong I normally am interested in the other person's perspective of things, but he isn't one of them. I'll take someone else's opinion of me from someone who is worthy of giving an opinion. Based on my judgement, he isn't. He could say I'm the worst person in the world and blah blah blah and I couldn't care less...

[drobs]

The real question is...

Was his online pic attractive? Was he young, hung, and full of c_m?


He'd have to be really good looking for me to drive 40 some miles to pick him up.

I know I keep harping on this in my other posts here but, unless you are looking for NSA sex... 1st dates should = meet for coffee, ice cream, or a beer at a bar.

Never meet for a meal on a 1st date. You need to be able to escape. Especially when the guy you are meeting doesn't match his profile.

When I lived in the suburbs or Chicago, as rule I wouldn't date anyone that lived in Chicago if they didn't own a vehicle. Call me selfish, but I don't want to have to drive all the time. I preferred to date someone that lived in the suburbs. Driving into the city during rush hour is 2 hours of bumper to bumper traffic hell.