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I'm a : Gay Man in a Monogamous Gay Relationship
Starsign: Leo
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I concur. I mean it makes sense to care and love deeply for someone who you have been with... I can't say I know everything that has gone on and not going to pretend that I do... However, if it is going to cause you this much grief, unhappiness and misery I mean I think you might be better off parting ways ultimately. I mean one perspective I thought would be that I would hate to have made myself miserable for 20 years or whatever being with someone that did me like that only to have wasted 20 years when I could have broken it off when I could have.
Nothing is easy in this world but the world will beat you down if you let it... It kind of parallels to a small extent of me going on a date with someone who was a total slob...I could have made it a very short date and ended it there but I didn't and I could have saved myself from enduring a bad experience.
"I’m not expecting to grow flowers in a desert, but I can live and breathe and see the sun in wintertime"
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I will say, upfront, that I wouldn't wish on ANYONE what I have been through in the past five years of my "marriage" (it is difficult to think of something that was predicated on lies as a genuine marriage, especially when I have my parent's marriage of 54 years to hold up as an example). Unfortunately, I made my bed and now I have to lay in it.
However, please don't misunderstand. I am not so delusional as to believe that the vows of marriage are a prison, nor am I so foolish to think that he will change.
There are other disabled persons here on the forum, who I am sure will back me up when I say, that major life changes are mush more difficult to make as a disabled person. So, I am forced to accept that, until I have completed approiate planning, I have to bide my time. Which I am.
Tomorrow is my birthday. My husband ~may~ tell me "Happy Birthday" (though, it is equally likely that he will not), but otherwise I cannot expect any form of recognition or celebration (same goes for Christmas, anniversaries, Valentine's Day.....). He is very guarded with money when it comes to me (he once decided that I ~must~ be stealing from him and walked around calling me a "theif" for a week until we sat down with the bank statements and I proved that I hand taken any money).
So, the only money I get that is mine, comes from the sale of my snakes, which weren't able to be bred this year or money from running my food cart. Unfortunately, I have had to place the cart into storage until I can come up with the money to make changes to bring me into compliance with the new laws that went into effect last month.
Until I am able to afford otherwise, I just have to deal with it. Yes, I go through serious bouts of depression, but I think anyone in my situation would. It is what it is, and there are SO many people out there with it so much worse than I have it, I just try to count my blessings.
There were many things that I wanted out of life when this relationship started, and I am smarter than the average bear. Don't discount me. I have DEFINATELY grown since this relationship started. In fact, I should thank him for making me, in some ways, a better person: my skin is thicker, my will stronger, my mind more cunning, and my resolve set in stone. I wouldn't be the person I am today, if it weren't for his relentless abuse.
Xoxo
Beau
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