I feel shit right now...
09-15-2016, 11:53 AM
Hey guys...
I'm going through a rough patch right now and I need to vent. In addition to my venting, I'd really like some comments, pointers and just points of views from you.
As some of you may remember, I am a student. I study to become a pharmacist. These studies include everything ranging from patient-healthcare contact social studies to organic chemistry.
I have a single, solid, amazingly supportive friend that I am so happy to have met. We see each other outside of class all the time. We go to restaurants, clubbing, watch movies... you name it. She has become like a second partner, really. I've never had a best friend like that, so that much is great. Everything is great in that department.
In addition to my new friend, I am still with my husbear. We have been together for 10 years soon and things are great. I live away from my home, with him, when I'm studying. Because it's several hours by train, I rent a room. Although I miss him very much, I have my studies and my friend to distract me. Time passes quickly and everything is fine here, too. I am home in the weekends.
Now here come the issues:
My studying was initially cut short, mere months before graduation, when I failed a single exam for the third time. At the time, I didn't know that this was such a big deal and I assumed that it would be solved by writing a formal application explaining that I'll do better or whatever. I emphasize, this was the only exam I had failed 3 times. Everything else was passed and I was following the education programme as it was laid out. One bump in the road over the span of 2.5 years. This resulted in them expelling me. Yes, months before graduation, I was removed from my education with no option to appeal or restart. This was a year and a half ago.
At the time, I was obviously shattered. I cannot describe in words how awful I felt or just how inadequate and insignificant my life suddenly was, to me.
I got through it, with the help and support of my husbear. I got accepted into another university to continue my studies, although their programme was significantly different, so out of my 2.5 years of courses I was only able to skip 1 full year and a range of courses. This means that I am studying in this new place, where I am now, for 2 years, but with only approximately half the workload, as I have passed multiple courses already, from the other university.
Obviously getting thrown into an already established team like that wasn't all fun and games, but I'm easy-going (although not outgoing), accepting and friendly. Now, this team is exceptionally small, consisting of only about 20 people. And these 20 people have split into seperate "cliques". Keep in mind that the team is already much smaller than the other teams, due to a high dropout count. So that put me exactly nowhere. I could talk to all of them and I do, but I have never really become part of any of their cliques. Excuse my racist-sounding categorisation here, but they're split into; white-girl-clique, iranian-clique, nerdy-clique and hijab-clique. The latter keeps to themselves and rarely turn up for lectures, so consider them out of the pool of possible partners.
The formation of cliques is motivated by the frequent laboratory exercises, which are done in small teams of 2-6 people, depending on the course.
So where does that leave me? I've been wiggling my way in, taking the left-overs or whatever and that has worked for me. Again, I'm easy and can work with absolutely anybody. I truely had no issue with this.
Then half a year ago (when I had been studying here for half a year already) a new girl started. She is the one who later became the amazing friend I mentioned earlier ( ^ up there somewhere ^ ). We became instant friends and started our own little 2-people-clique. We form a team whenever we can, but as I only take half the courses, as I have already passed the others via credit from the other university, she is often left alone. Now, if the other people were not such inconsiderate assholes, this would not be a big deal. For the lab course that I am currently not following, the class is supposed to split into groups of 2-4.
The girl clique has a full with 2 leftovers. The leftovers have formed their own group of 2 people. The nerdy clique has formed a group of 2 people.
My dear friend asked the nerdy clique if she could join up with them, they turned her down saying they'd rather just work as those two, like they've done for most other courses. She then asked the leftovers from the girl clique and they said the same thing.
This made her furious. Obviously. What made it worse was that we were supposed to write our bachelor project with the nerdy clique. That is to say, we had already agreed (all 4 of us) to do said project together. Such a project would take many months and we would see each other for a thousand hour as we worked on it. Yet, they cannot work with her for a few hours for 5 laboratory exercises???!
After that, my friend and I sat down and talked about this for a while. She had a lot of frustration to vent and I was there to listen and say clever things. This made us reconsider our choice of partners for the large project and we had all but decided to tell them it was not going to work.
They beat us to it. They had been approached by the leftovers of the girl clique and asked if they could team up for said project. Since they want to get good grades and they felt they had a higher chance of getting that with the leftovers of the girl clique, they said yes.
This would not be such a big deal, if it was not for the fact that we initiated this whole formation of groups for the bachelor project by our union. So since then (we agreed to do the bachelor project together months ago!), most people have already formed their bachelor groups. Although I did not really want to work with them, after they displayed such social irreponsibility, I feel like they threw us under the bus.
I realise the above may make my friend and myself seem rather slow-witted, even if my earlier blunder of getting kicked out had not given you that impression. I may be lazy and sometimes ill informed, but I am certainly no fool. Chemistry may not be one of my strengths, but I excel at pharmacology and analytical chemistry and scored amazingly on both exams last semester. Higher, I dare say, than both leftovers from the girl-clique.
As if those two instances of blatant exclusion were not enough, we have had another one. In a more social-science oriented subject we formed teams too, for a range of smaller projects that culminate and finish with a larger project. My friend and I had a group of 4 people, but 1 changed to another group (her origin was with the iranian-clique) and 1 left the course all together. The other 3 groups on our team was the hijab-group formed by the hijab-clique, the girl-clique and the nerdy-clique. The iranian-clique split into the girl and nerdy to fit with the groupsizes. So that left my friend and I as 2 people doing the work of a project designed for groups of 5-7 people. Although the workload was significantly larger for both of us, individually, than for any of the other groups we carried on and got the job done (done well, I might add! - no grades were given). Now with the start of the next semester (this course is split into two semesters, for administrative purposes...) we had the option to redo the groups. Being only 2, we asked the nerdy-clique-group of 5 if we could join them. They were all smiles and laughs about it, but said they needed to talk about this amongst themselves. The full group was not present and everybody should get their say, right? They turned us down.
So that leaves us as 2 people, again, with the workload of a full group of 5-7. Last time we got no slack from the teachers for being less than half the normal size of a group, but we will be asking for more forcefully this time.
This whole thing has left us both feeling very excluded from the group and although they are friendly outside of it all, as soon as there is laboratory exercises (or grades, apparently) involved the daggers come out. I don't know if this saying has an english variation or a direct translation, but in Denmark we consider this kind of behaviour as having pointy elbows. From the way you can push your way through a crowd using the tip of your elbows, at the expense of everyone in your path, who gets elbowed painfully.
On top of that, I have also recently used my third attempt at another exam (again the only one I've failed, but now at the new university, slightly similar to the one that got me kicked out from the other university). My first two attempts at this exam was back when I was new here at the new university, friendless, lonely and generally confused and frustrated with my situation. It was turmoil. All my exams from that period were bad, but I made it past the others.
For this last (third) attempt, I did my best to prepare for the exam, but during my preparation time (august), I also had two funerals to attend, one which was practically held in our backyard (husbear's and mine) and his family (funeral from his side of the family) stayed with us for... like 10 days, in both preparation and aftermath of the funeral. There was also a wedding and a concert in august. So I had things to do, in addition to my exam preparation. I really felt like I did not have the time I needed and looking back, maybe I should have prioritised differently. Frankly, however, as important as an exam and education may be, I am still a person and as a partner in life I have a responsibility to my husbear and his family to care and attend that funeral. Right? Am I crazy for actually thinking that?
Either way, I did the exam and I am waiting for the grade to come in any day now. I am so nervous I find myself out of breath, for no reason. I am shaky and sweaty and on the brink of tears. I cannot get thrown out again. I cannot handle it. Not only would it put a stop to my career in a subject that I am very passionate about and waste 5 years of my life, but there would be no way back. Atleast in Denmark. The pharmaceutical studies are only available on two locations in Denmark and as things work, I cannot re-apply for the course if I've been kicked out on the basis of a subject that is still essential to the education. I have not talked to a student counsellor about this yet and I will do that, but obviously I had all these talks back at the other university and as far as I could tell the ways around it were none. The reason I am so worried is because I feel like my attempt at the exam was a relatively poor one. There is hope, I suppose, but it would not surprise me if it failed. If it failed I must apply for a fourth attempt and if that gets declined I get kicked out (again with no option of appeal).
Please universe, if you ever felt like doing me a favour again, this is where I need it. Help me.
Now you know a lot more about me. Thanks for reading.
I'm going through a rough patch right now and I need to vent. In addition to my venting, I'd really like some comments, pointers and just points of views from you.
As some of you may remember, I am a student. I study to become a pharmacist. These studies include everything ranging from patient-healthcare contact social studies to organic chemistry.
I have a single, solid, amazingly supportive friend that I am so happy to have met. We see each other outside of class all the time. We go to restaurants, clubbing, watch movies... you name it. She has become like a second partner, really. I've never had a best friend like that, so that much is great. Everything is great in that department.
In addition to my new friend, I am still with my husbear. We have been together for 10 years soon and things are great. I live away from my home, with him, when I'm studying. Because it's several hours by train, I rent a room. Although I miss him very much, I have my studies and my friend to distract me. Time passes quickly and everything is fine here, too. I am home in the weekends.
Now here come the issues:
My studying was initially cut short, mere months before graduation, when I failed a single exam for the third time. At the time, I didn't know that this was such a big deal and I assumed that it would be solved by writing a formal application explaining that I'll do better or whatever. I emphasize, this was the only exam I had failed 3 times. Everything else was passed and I was following the education programme as it was laid out. One bump in the road over the span of 2.5 years. This resulted in them expelling me. Yes, months before graduation, I was removed from my education with no option to appeal or restart. This was a year and a half ago.
At the time, I was obviously shattered. I cannot describe in words how awful I felt or just how inadequate and insignificant my life suddenly was, to me.
I got through it, with the help and support of my husbear. I got accepted into another university to continue my studies, although their programme was significantly different, so out of my 2.5 years of courses I was only able to skip 1 full year and a range of courses. This means that I am studying in this new place, where I am now, for 2 years, but with only approximately half the workload, as I have passed multiple courses already, from the other university.
Obviously getting thrown into an already established team like that wasn't all fun and games, but I'm easy-going (although not outgoing), accepting and friendly. Now, this team is exceptionally small, consisting of only about 20 people. And these 20 people have split into seperate "cliques". Keep in mind that the team is already much smaller than the other teams, due to a high dropout count. So that put me exactly nowhere. I could talk to all of them and I do, but I have never really become part of any of their cliques. Excuse my racist-sounding categorisation here, but they're split into; white-girl-clique, iranian-clique, nerdy-clique and hijab-clique. The latter keeps to themselves and rarely turn up for lectures, so consider them out of the pool of possible partners.
The formation of cliques is motivated by the frequent laboratory exercises, which are done in small teams of 2-6 people, depending on the course.
So where does that leave me? I've been wiggling my way in, taking the left-overs or whatever and that has worked for me. Again, I'm easy and can work with absolutely anybody. I truely had no issue with this.
Then half a year ago (when I had been studying here for half a year already) a new girl started. She is the one who later became the amazing friend I mentioned earlier ( ^ up there somewhere ^ ). We became instant friends and started our own little 2-people-clique. We form a team whenever we can, but as I only take half the courses, as I have already passed the others via credit from the other university, she is often left alone. Now, if the other people were not such inconsiderate assholes, this would not be a big deal. For the lab course that I am currently not following, the class is supposed to split into groups of 2-4.
The girl clique has a full with 2 leftovers. The leftovers have formed their own group of 2 people. The nerdy clique has formed a group of 2 people.
My dear friend asked the nerdy clique if she could join up with them, they turned her down saying they'd rather just work as those two, like they've done for most other courses. She then asked the leftovers from the girl clique and they said the same thing.
This made her furious. Obviously. What made it worse was that we were supposed to write our bachelor project with the nerdy clique. That is to say, we had already agreed (all 4 of us) to do said project together. Such a project would take many months and we would see each other for a thousand hour as we worked on it. Yet, they cannot work with her for a few hours for 5 laboratory exercises???!
After that, my friend and I sat down and talked about this for a while. She had a lot of frustration to vent and I was there to listen and say clever things. This made us reconsider our choice of partners for the large project and we had all but decided to tell them it was not going to work.
They beat us to it. They had been approached by the leftovers of the girl clique and asked if they could team up for said project. Since they want to get good grades and they felt they had a higher chance of getting that with the leftovers of the girl clique, they said yes.
This would not be such a big deal, if it was not for the fact that we initiated this whole formation of groups for the bachelor project by our union. So since then (we agreed to do the bachelor project together months ago!), most people have already formed their bachelor groups. Although I did not really want to work with them, after they displayed such social irreponsibility, I feel like they threw us under the bus.
I realise the above may make my friend and myself seem rather slow-witted, even if my earlier blunder of getting kicked out had not given you that impression. I may be lazy and sometimes ill informed, but I am certainly no fool. Chemistry may not be one of my strengths, but I excel at pharmacology and analytical chemistry and scored amazingly on both exams last semester. Higher, I dare say, than both leftovers from the girl-clique.
As if those two instances of blatant exclusion were not enough, we have had another one. In a more social-science oriented subject we formed teams too, for a range of smaller projects that culminate and finish with a larger project. My friend and I had a group of 4 people, but 1 changed to another group (her origin was with the iranian-clique) and 1 left the course all together. The other 3 groups on our team was the hijab-group formed by the hijab-clique, the girl-clique and the nerdy-clique. The iranian-clique split into the girl and nerdy to fit with the groupsizes. So that left my friend and I as 2 people doing the work of a project designed for groups of 5-7 people. Although the workload was significantly larger for both of us, individually, than for any of the other groups we carried on and got the job done (done well, I might add! - no grades were given). Now with the start of the next semester (this course is split into two semesters, for administrative purposes...) we had the option to redo the groups. Being only 2, we asked the nerdy-clique-group of 5 if we could join them. They were all smiles and laughs about it, but said they needed to talk about this amongst themselves. The full group was not present and everybody should get their say, right? They turned us down.
So that leaves us as 2 people, again, with the workload of a full group of 5-7. Last time we got no slack from the teachers for being less than half the normal size of a group, but we will be asking for more forcefully this time.
This whole thing has left us both feeling very excluded from the group and although they are friendly outside of it all, as soon as there is laboratory exercises (or grades, apparently) involved the daggers come out. I don't know if this saying has an english variation or a direct translation, but in Denmark we consider this kind of behaviour as having pointy elbows. From the way you can push your way through a crowd using the tip of your elbows, at the expense of everyone in your path, who gets elbowed painfully.
On top of that, I have also recently used my third attempt at another exam (again the only one I've failed, but now at the new university, slightly similar to the one that got me kicked out from the other university). My first two attempts at this exam was back when I was new here at the new university, friendless, lonely and generally confused and frustrated with my situation. It was turmoil. All my exams from that period were bad, but I made it past the others.
For this last (third) attempt, I did my best to prepare for the exam, but during my preparation time (august), I also had two funerals to attend, one which was practically held in our backyard (husbear's and mine) and his family (funeral from his side of the family) stayed with us for... like 10 days, in both preparation and aftermath of the funeral. There was also a wedding and a concert in august. So I had things to do, in addition to my exam preparation. I really felt like I did not have the time I needed and looking back, maybe I should have prioritised differently. Frankly, however, as important as an exam and education may be, I am still a person and as a partner in life I have a responsibility to my husbear and his family to care and attend that funeral. Right? Am I crazy for actually thinking that?
Either way, I did the exam and I am waiting for the grade to come in any day now. I am so nervous I find myself out of breath, for no reason. I am shaky and sweaty and on the brink of tears. I cannot get thrown out again. I cannot handle it. Not only would it put a stop to my career in a subject that I am very passionate about and waste 5 years of my life, but there would be no way back. Atleast in Denmark. The pharmaceutical studies are only available on two locations in Denmark and as things work, I cannot re-apply for the course if I've been kicked out on the basis of a subject that is still essential to the education. I have not talked to a student counsellor about this yet and I will do that, but obviously I had all these talks back at the other university and as far as I could tell the ways around it were none. The reason I am so worried is because I feel like my attempt at the exam was a relatively poor one. There is hope, I suppose, but it would not surprise me if it failed. If it failed I must apply for a fourth attempt and if that gets declined I get kicked out (again with no option of appeal).
Please universe, if you ever felt like doing me a favour again, this is where I need it. Help me.
Now you know a lot more about me. Thanks for reading.
![[-]](https://gayspeak.com/images/duende_v3_local/collapse.png)
Leo
Sagittarius
