Hopelessly Devoted. (It's long but I could really use some advice.)

[jorjor788]

Hey all,

First off I want to say hello to everyone! I'm new to this site and this post is actually both my first and the reason I came here in the first place. I've talked to some of my close friends about the situation and I feel I've exhausted the answers I could get from there...I also don't want to keep talking about it to them because I fear I'm started to sound annoying at this point.
Any who, where to start...let's start at the beginning. lol

I've been talking to this guy, Tom, for just a year now. We started talking back last September after I had ended a relationship I was in last July. ( I had been in that relationship for just over 5 years, however the last 2-2 1/2 years were a continuous downfall for the both of us. )
I first started talking to Tom when him and I messaged each other on scruff..I BELIEVE he messaged me first if I remember correctly. We spoke for brief time on there and then finally agreed to meet in person, and when we did it was an INSTANT connection for the both of us. We went to dinner and talked for a good couple hours; afterwards we went back to his place we were fooled around a bit but didn't take it very far. Both of us wanted to wait and not have it happen on the first date. From there, we ended up hanging out a lot more. I would go and literally just hang out with him for hours at his place laying on his couch with him - to me, that's all I wanted to do. I enjoyed being with and around him that much that I didn't care what we did.

Fast forward to the middle to late November when things started to shift. Around that time we both kind of agreed to stop hooking up with each other (mind you, we only had a handful of times) and focus on other aspects of the relationship we had - basically, we friend zoned each other. This is probably a good time to add in that I'm 27 and in my final year of grad school while he is 39 and working multiple jobs at various colleges. The age difference never really came into play but it was always something I wondered about myself.
From that point on we didn't hook up however we hung out with each non stop and always reached out to each other when weren't feeling/doing so well with shit. To me at least, he became that person I wanted to confide in. There were a couple of times where he randomly just kissed me and then apologized for doing so..which lead me to finally flat out ask him "What are we? What do you see us as?" to which he responded, "I care for you so much and RIGHT NOW, all I can offer you is my friendship."

That was the beginning of March - flash forward to now. I recently tried to dating again with someone else and that was a terrible decision. Not only was the guy not a good fit for me, I still harbor the same emotions for Tom as I did when I first met him. When I started dating this new guy, one of the hardest things for me to do was tell him that I was seeing him. He had a feeling when I told him and seemed happy but kind of so/so about it.

So now that you've received my whole life story I ask you this - because I still have feelings for him and I'm pretty sure, FOR ME at least, he's the guy I truly want to try and be with, do I bring it up to him again considering some time has passed? There are still times when we hang out that I get little signals that he might still be interested but is nervous to discuss it. Again, I don't think the age thing is something that affects it but I could be very wrong. Also, could is be perhaps that we're both in different places in terms of working that is holding him back?

I could go on about this beside I tend to overthink and have thought up numerous reasons why...I just could really use an outsiders perspective.

And to anyone who reads all of this and actually responds, you are amazing! I appreciate the feedback you give regardless of whether it's positive or negative.

Thanks! J

[SkinnyGuy123]

I'm not sure how much help I can be, but it sound as if you really like this Tom. Maybe it would be worth sitting down and biting the bullet - like you say, some time has passed so maybe he is ready to offer more than friendship now. It will be difficult I think, but if you tell him then he knows for sure you like him more than just as a friend. Then it will be up to him whether he likes you back as much.

If you do do this, you might have to prepare yourself that he still just wants to be friends.

[Confuzzled4]

Honestly, I don't think you should count on a romantic relationship with Tom. If he really wanted to resume that kind of relationship, he would have done so already. Take a break outright from Tom for a bit and focus on dating. After a few weeks, you can see if you can resume your friendship with Tom. I think you can still maintain a friendship with Tom, but take that break first. I'm being blunt only because I had my heart broken in the past, I don't want that for you.

[meridannight]

Honestly, I don't think you should count on a romantic relationship with Tom. If he really wanted to resume that kind of relationship, he would have done so already.

This tends to be my perspective in such situations as well. If a man wants to be with you, he usually makes a case for it. Not mutter some vague excuses that don't make sense anyway.

I don't know what your friend's problem is, honestly. He knows you want to be with him, but all he can offer is ''friendship''. Why? Did you ask him what's holding him back? That is the most important information here, and tell me you didn't forget to ask him?

It's not healthy anyway, to be stuck on one guy when he can't even explain why he can't even give it a try with you. I understand that you connected, and that is a powerful motivator to hold out for him. But you can't force him to be with you, and there are other men out there. Although they won't feel the same at first, there are other amazing men out there who can make you feel just as good, and reciprocate your desire.

So -- either ask him point blank why it is he can't even try, or just let it go. I would want an explanation, if I were you.