When a friend likes you more than you do

[Aquarius]

It happened to me both ways.
Friends, that I would consider my best friend, but for who I've only played a minor role. Or other way round, one of my friends, considers me as close as a family member, which is really not what I feel for her. She would say "I love you" (there's a German equivalent that is not used for romantic relationships) and send me hearts on FB, and I feel bad for not responding the same way, but I just don't feel more for her than a pretty good friend, however not my best friend.

Rightnow I don't have a best friend, I really miss that feeling, but it seems like the people I once considered best friends have moved on, got partners, and thus naturally friends become less important. Or let's put it this way, when I know someone has a partner, I'm more likely to "not bother" them.

I mean it's natural, not everyone can like each other equally strong. Many friendships are so uneven that A might mean the world for B, but B is only a remote acquaintance for A....

What do you think about that? Any experience? When should one stop consider someone a close friend?

[knickerbuck]

friends are really a complicated thing but for me a strong friendship is based on mutual interests and similar mindsets, anything less than that is just for a minor acquaintance i think but i always try to be nice to people who are nice to me even when i know that we wont go that far into having something really deep and meaningful ..

[meridannight]

I think people should stop evaluating friendships and other close relationships in terms of quantity, or whether one party likes the other more. Not only is it silly, but it's also pointless. How exactly do you determine how much the other person loves you? Or how much you matter to them? And so what if somebody considers you a ''best friend'' who you don't feel the same about? If you think of them as a friend, they're in your life where it matters.

As long as the friendship/relationship is reciprocal that's what matters more than whether you're loved back 'equally'. You're either part of each other's lives, or you're not. That's what I cue in on, rather than quantity, or how anybody calls it.

It's less unimportant when one party cares a lot, and the other doesn't at all. That type of dynamic is unhealthy, usually. If you don't think you are or ever will be interested in the friendship/relation of the other person it's your duty as a decent human being, to let them know how you feel. And if you want someone's attention who isn't interested in giving it to you, there comes a point where you have to let it go.

It's not always as simple as I make it sound, but those are the basics, the way I see it.

[InbetweenDreams]

Sounds like you're a bit like me [MENTION=23142]Aquarius[/MENTION] in that you don't bother people, not much of an instigator. That is fine but you'll more than likely find that you'll be hanging out more often with your friends. I'm friends with several people who have partners, but there's nothing wrong with that. Friends do come and go, people do drift away. I was friends with someone for over 10 years, now we don't talk over something somewhat trival. Just the way it goes.

I have also taken the rare opportunity to make amends to people where I felt that I treated unfairly. You don't always get the chance to apologize to people.

The point is tell people how you feel while you have the chance. It is ok to talk to people who might have got a partner, or maybe are moving into the next stage of their life, be a part of it.

[Sylph]

I like to make friends with everyone, many people might call me *shudder* a "Chatty Cathy" and I love to laugh and play;

But I don't hold just everyone to my chest.

Select few , both here virtually, and in my everyday life, do I hold a lil in that regard

So I never get that feeling per se, but I have had it the other way, where people would contact me to go party or something or watch movies, because they know I'll dance all wild and do the most.


But I always aim to make all the people I meet, feel like (as we say here) " Wa Played Jaxx/Shot Marbles" . (Meaning we grew up together.)

Which is part of the reason people say I'm annoying and oblivious, because I don't do"boundaries" very often, and I'm likely to just be all out.


But not many do I consider very close to me dearly.

[Aquarius]

I actually think that "common interests" are overrated.
I think it's a lot more about the same "spirit", or "energy", sorry for sounding spiritual, but I can't find a scientific word for what I mean. Call it "chemistry" or that you "click" with each other.

I have a lot of friends who I share a common interest with, but with none do I click enough to go on holidays together. Unfortunately...

Anyway, with this girl, I really do click, we laugh a lot together, but I can't return her hearts and "I love you"s etc. I won't call her a sister, despite she's calling me a brother. It goes a bit too far for me.

[InbetweenDreams]

I agree for the most part. I think there does need to be some similarities...I definitely think there needs to be that energy or chemistry. Some people just have it and people just naturally gravitate to them.

Not familiar with your friendship or what is customary in Germany, but if it is something I really like and care about I don't there is anything inappropriate. If you two do click, what's the problem? It's a good friendship, embrace it.

[Aquarius]

I'm not sure if it comes across well what I mean.
I would love to keep my hearts and "I love you"s for a man. I can't give it to a woman before I haven't given it to a man, if that makes sense... maybe it would be different if I already had boyfriends before, but maybe it's that why I can't give this kind of love to a woman? Dunno.

[InbetweenDreams]

Oh so she is wanting something more romantic in a way? I mean I think it is perfectly fine to love a friend, just as you would love family members. They way I would love my partner would be different to how I love my mother. Perhaps that's the question then...

[Aquarius]

That's what I don't know. I am a little bit suspicious, because she has been single for many years.
But she knows I'm gay. She keeps on saying how hot I am, though I can't take it serious and think she's crazy saying so, because no man ever told me that in real life.