Need advice on a tricky situation

[freddyguy]

Hi,
I am a 60-year-old gay man who is still very much in the closet. I am very straight acting so I don't believe that anyone is aware of my sexual preference. My problem is that my best friend is straight to the point where sometimes he displays homophobic tendencies. Whether that's just an act? I'm not sure.
We started off as just friends a number of years ago, as we are both involved in the owning, care and training of a specific type of animals, and we spend most mornings, along with others, at a certain place where our type of hobby takes place. Three or fours years ago, our friendship turned into, what we mutually consider a "best friendship". We spend a lot of time together, he frequently comes to my apartment where I cook dinner and then we settle in for the evening watching TV, sports or movies. He is a great looking man and I have always had a crush on him and dream of having sex with him some day. Here in lies the problem.
He keeps giving me signs that he is interested too, but, who will make the first move is the issue. Some of the signs are: when our "best friendship" began, he started saying, on a regular basis, that he loves me. Of course, I respond in turn. When we are alone, he always talks about sexual things, such as men's body parts, etc. He started hugging me and now we hug on a regular basis. When we leave each other for the day, he always insists on a "fist pump" or a hug. The [ast 2 Christmas eve's, we gave each other the usual hug and I gave him a kiss on the cheek to which his reaction was a simple smile. He calls me every night before going to bed and he is always there when I need him when I'm sick or no matter what and I do the same for him. He's always concerned about my health. For example, I have had to deal with serious lower back issues and have had unsuccessful surgery which left me with some nerve damage and severe arthritis. There are times when I am unable to join him in the usual morning work, however, when I can't make it, he always comes to my place with coffee, pulls up a chair beside my bed and we sit together talking and laughing or just watch TV and enjoy each others company. On these days, before he leaves, he always insists on rubbing my back with A5-35 lotion to help ease the pain. Recently, I unfortunately, slipped on the ice and pulled my groin which left me laid up for a few days. On a couple of occasions when he started to apply the lotion to my back, he asked me if I wanted him to put some in my groin as well. Of course, I made a joke about what might happen if he touched me down there. We take week long trips together a couple of times each year and, on a few occasions, we've had to share the same bed as other rooms were not available. Last summer, while on one of these trips, we found ourselves with some other "straight" friends and they ending up spending the night in our hotel room. Of course, my buddy and I ended up sharing one of the double beds. We were lying back to back and he kept his back pressed to mine through much of the night.
To make a long story short, I want to take our relationship to the next level, but, am I reading too much into these signs he has given me?? I would NEVER want to destroy what we have together now but is has become extremely frustrating and I love him so much.
Is there anyone out there who could provide at least some type of professional advice on what to do?? I'm afraid that if I come out to him, he will walk away from me forever, but, with these signs.........???s
Any help with this situation will be greatly appreciated.
Thanks in advance.

[freddyguy]

I see that my post has received a number of views. Is there anyone out there who could provide some advice? I don't think that my post is so strange. I'm sure that there are a lot of people out there who are going through the same thing and wish that they had the nerve to ask for help but don't because they feel that people asking this type of thing are freeks. Well, I can tell you I'm not a freek, I'm just someone who doesn't know which way to turn.

On one hand, I want to make the first move with my friend, but, on the other hand, I NEVER want to lose him as a friend. His friendship is more important to me than life itself and, whether or not we actually have sex, this fact will never change.

If there is no one out there who can provide the advice I'm looking for, then I guess that I'll have to find somewhere else to go to get help with this problem.

[LJay]

Talk with him about it. Make sure that you choose a neutral location, not one that is suggestive, perhaps while talking a walk or over a meal.

[jimcrackcorn]

As Ljay mentioned above,, you have to talk to him.

You most likely know more about him than anyone else, and only you can judge how he may react to your suggestion that the friendship take another course.

Does he make homophobic remarks? Does he date ladies occasionally? Has he been in a serious relationship with a woman before? These are all questions that could help us better understand where his sexuality lies.

Lastly, all the signs you mentioned do not indicate that he is interested in something more than just a good friendship. Many friendships do a good deal more than what you mentioned - and they are simply best bud's and nothing else...

Best Wishes,
Jim

[matty7]

well I guessing he's similar age to you ? ignore the homophobic comments - gay guys in the closet use this as a cover all the time - the big one for me is what Jimcrackcorn says above - is he in a female relationship or has aver been in a long-term relationship with a woman , if the answer is no then without any scientific fact at all apart from what you tell me is that is is or is has feelings for you - is he gay ..... you need to ask if you want a relationship - I doubt if a straight guy would do all that rubbing lotion for you... I say hes gay but only you know him , but don't ruin what you have if you think the risk of asking is too great

[Darius]

Hi Freddy, I'm sure it's very scary for you to because you are afraid of losing his friendship if you tell him you like him as more than a friend. From what you said, that seems unlikely to happen. It would be very difficult for him to lose you, too. You could approach it in another way, I suppose. Rather than telling him you are romantically interested in him, you could just tell him you have a confession to make because you don't feel that such good friends should keep this kind of secret and that secret is that you are gay. That way if by some slim chance he is not gay, too, at least it might lessen the awkwardness. Does that make sense.
No matter what you do, you don't want to waste any more time, do you? Life is so short.

[MikeW]

...On one hand, I want to make the first move with my friend, but, on the other hand, I NEVER want to lose him as a friend. His friendship is more important to me than life itself and, whether or not we actually have sex, this fact will never change. ...

You've gotten a few replies but since no one has bothered to quote your text, you may not be aware of that fact.

No, your situation is not unusual, especially for closeted men. I've seen such dilemmas posted here several times before.

As others have noted, you've failed to tell us how old your friend is and whether not he is now or has ever been in a relationship with a woman. This is a significant (but not necessarily determining) clue. You haven't told us your relationship history either, for that matter.

The general consensus is that you should talk with your friend. Whether or not you do, of course, is up to you, based on your knowledge of the man. We don't know either of you except what you've written.

If you choose to talk about your feelings with him you ARE taking a risk of losing his friendship. So the real question is, how important is it to tell him?

In my world, being honest and truthful with my friends is very important. I make it a point to come out to any man I'm becoming friends with fairly early on in the budding friendship. That way they can decide whether or not my sexuality is important to them. (By the way, I have a lot of straight male friends, probably more straight ones than gay ones at this point in my life.)

Since you haven't done that... and I assume you've kept this secret from him for years... this adds to the potential problem. You've not been totally honest with your friend. Sometimes that lack of honesty is more damaging to a friendship than what was revealed. "Why didn't you tell me before?" is a common response.

Then there is, of course, the possibility of a homophobic reaction, the trust issue aside. Personally, I do not want homophobic men in my life. If they feel that strongly about it I prefer to not consider them a friend.

No one here can predict how your friend will react. In my life, I've seen it go the full gamut from rage and fear to relief and even mutual revelation. Most commonly the friend experiences 'shock'. This is 'shocking' news. It 'shatters' or 'disorients' their view of you. They THOUGHT they knew you. Now you reveal something they did not know and this new information now has to be processed. The friend may need time to 'digest' it or see how they truly feel about it. That's a common reaction anyone coming out encounters. This is especially the case if you have not fully accepted yourself, your sexuality. If you can't accept it, how can you expect anyone else to?

Bottom line: The consensus is, be honest with your friend. Be fully aware that you are taking a risk and, as with any risk, the outcome may not be what you wish. All you can do is emotionally prepare yourself for any possibility and say pretty much what you've told us: "I love you as a friend and do not want to loose that friendship but, at the same time, I feel the need to be honest with you. Moreover, I cannot deny that I would like our friendship to be more intimate. However, if you're not open to that, then I will accept it." Use your own words of course and if you say the last sentence, be sure you can keep that promise.

[meridannight]

You've gotten a few replies but since no one has bothered to quote your text, you may not be aware of that fact.

The original post is from a week ago. Which means it went into moderation and before Andy got to approve it the time stamp was so old that it no longer showed up on the front page for anyone to notice. Nobody replied till he himself bumped it finally. And people check their own threads whether they have been directly quoted or not.


[MENTION=24200]freddyguy[/MENTION], new members' posting gets randomly moderated until they reach 50 posts on this site. If your post/thread doesn't show up, I recommend just making a new one until it shows. There is only one moderator on this site and he can't be on 24/7.

[freddyguy]

Thanks for this information. It's relatively helpful.

To answer some of your questions: I have, of course, been gay all of my, as far back as I can remember at least. However, I, unfortunately, I guess, have been able to hide it as I am very straight acting. I was in a relationship with another guy for 24 years but it was a long distance affair. He visited me on weekends and I visited him on others. My family knew him but I don't really believe that they suspected that anything other than friendship was going on.

That relationship, unfortunately, ended in 2004. I met this new man through other friends and he also had the same interests and hobby as I have. We've been friends for about 6 years and our relationship seemed to grow and grow, to the point where we're at now.

As I previously stated, originally he came across as very homophobic, whether that was to hide his own secrets, I'm not sure, but, it seems that with all that has happened, there is some interest there on his part. He still comes across as homophobic to others around us, again, maybe trying to hide??

I feel, at this point, that it will just take for one of us to make the first move. We will be going away again in the spring or in mid summer. A couple of years ago, we had to be away for a week, to race our horses in another Province and we had to share a bed. At first, he seemed to be a bit apprehensive by this but settled in without any issues. At the time, we didn't have much choice in where we stayed or what the accommodations were like as it is the busiest week of the year in this particular spot. I also told him truthfully, that it was quite a bit cheaper to rent a room with one queen size bed as opposed to 2 beds. HE then suggested that maybe we should continue to book single bed rooms for future trips. We will be traveling to the same place for the same reason this summer and have made the same reservation of which he has no problem.

Perhaps this is where we may end up finding out about each other.

In all other areas, I am completely honest with him as I'm sure he is with me. To me, it's not an issue of dishonesty with each other, it's just a fear that both of us have, that if either one of us opens up to the other, the other may not respond well. So, it appears that, at this point, we're both kind of stuck between a rock and a hard place. It is probably going to be up to me to make the first move and suffer the consequences should there be any. I know that I love him and he loves me. We tell each other that on an almost daily basis. Obviously, privately, and certainly not in front of others. This alone leads me to believe that there is much more that he wants, as much as I do.

Again, thanks very much for your comments and advice. Both were very helpful.

[meridannight]

I know that I love him and he loves me. We tell each other that on an almost daily basis. Obviously, privately, and certainly not in front of others. This alone leads me to believe that there is much more that he wants, as much as I do.

If this is something you feel is right, then it probably is. You know him better. After all, somewhere deep inside you you should know if he wants the same thing or not. Not know as knowledge, but as a feeling. If you understand what I mean.

Good luck.