Family Advice
01-17-2017, 03:25 PM
I have an aunt that I have always shared a wonderful relationship with up until about 7 years ago when I came out and began a relationship with a man. At that time, she made it clear to me that her views on the Bible would never allow her to condone what I am doing. She was very insistent on making this known to me in the beginning. So naturally, and coupled with the fact that I am already an extremely shy person, I felt discomfort around her and shame. I didn't feel like a "whole" person in her company. In 2010, same sex marriage became legal in DC and my partner and I got married, again she made her feelings known but "wished me the best of luck" anyway. Then in subsequent years she wouldn't refer to him using the word "spouse" or "partner" (she never asked what terms would be most appropriate), rather electing to introduce us as "best friends;" of course this further contributed to my shame as a gay man and de-legitimatized me and my relationship, I felt. Unfortunately, my marriage did end about a year and a half ago (we separated), and the divorce was final last month.
Yesterday, I just completely lost it and called her up and told her we need to talk because I felt extremely offended that in the year and half I was separated, she did not ask one word about where my partner was, or to check in on my emotional state. It has been the most painful and difficult event in my life thus far (I've grieved terribly and still not totally healed) and I am amazed that an aunt so close to me growing up could not find it in herself to at least extend some comfort my way, instead she has acted like my past never existed. I told her in our heated exchange if this would have been anyone else in the family whose spouse suddenly was "absent," she would have asked (like a heterosexual relative). And she agreed yes, she would have asked if it would have been anyone else. But, she said she knew I was "uncomfortable" with my gay relationship so she wanted me to bring it up first (last time I checked, social convention generally tends to be that people reach out to those grieving when known, not the other way around). I then became very angry and told her the only reason I was "uncomfortable" because I knew she "disagreed" with it and didn't even recognize it (referring to us as "friends" instead of partners). But I was hoping that in the recent years, this would have been an opportunity to show some compassion, but apparently not...I had to face the holidays alone (just divorced) and attend my family function and have her not even ask why I was suddenly alone.
So, I suppose the purpose here is to ask what others here think. How would you respond to this relationship going forward? Yesterday, she did reiterate that she is "not judging me" but yes, "two men together is not a real marriage and does make her uncomfortable." Now, I almost feel the relationship may unfortunately be ruined...for good. Can you really have a quality relationship with someone who you make uncomfortable? Even though she apparently is "not uncomfortable when I am alone with her or not asking her to "agree" with my "lifestyle" or understand my "gay behavior" (her terms).
This is really difficult for me because I don't have a large family.
Yesterday, I just completely lost it and called her up and told her we need to talk because I felt extremely offended that in the year and half I was separated, she did not ask one word about where my partner was, or to check in on my emotional state. It has been the most painful and difficult event in my life thus far (I've grieved terribly and still not totally healed) and I am amazed that an aunt so close to me growing up could not find it in herself to at least extend some comfort my way, instead she has acted like my past never existed. I told her in our heated exchange if this would have been anyone else in the family whose spouse suddenly was "absent," she would have asked (like a heterosexual relative). And she agreed yes, she would have asked if it would have been anyone else. But, she said she knew I was "uncomfortable" with my gay relationship so she wanted me to bring it up first (last time I checked, social convention generally tends to be that people reach out to those grieving when known, not the other way around). I then became very angry and told her the only reason I was "uncomfortable" because I knew she "disagreed" with it and didn't even recognize it (referring to us as "friends" instead of partners). But I was hoping that in the recent years, this would have been an opportunity to show some compassion, but apparently not...I had to face the holidays alone (just divorced) and attend my family function and have her not even ask why I was suddenly alone.
So, I suppose the purpose here is to ask what others here think. How would you respond to this relationship going forward? Yesterday, she did reiterate that she is "not judging me" but yes, "two men together is not a real marriage and does make her uncomfortable." Now, I almost feel the relationship may unfortunately be ruined...for good. Can you really have a quality relationship with someone who you make uncomfortable? Even though she apparently is "not uncomfortable when I am alone with her or not asking her to "agree" with my "lifestyle" or understand my "gay behavior" (her terms).
This is really difficult for me because I don't have a large family.
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Capricorn
