14 years together but...

[Bearishly4u]

What's up guys. This is my first post here basically because I just don't know what to do and have been looking for some advice without knowing where to look. I've been in a monogamous relationship for almost 14 years and married for a little over 2. I'll try to be brief but it's hard to put your life in a couple of sentences. Basically the bottom line is that we have NO sex life and really not even anything I would consider romantic. This started after about year 2 or 3 into the relationship. It bugged me a lot for a while because I'm much more sexual than he is but, at about year 4 I had a spinal injury that cause some serious nerve damage. That injury basically took my ability and desire. That is until my second back surgery in 2015 when magically most of my ability returned and with it my sex drive/desire. Even during what I call the "dark years" I tried to be there for him if he wanted sex but...he never did. I'm physically back to a place where sex and a romantic relationship is important to me. I can honestly say we haven't had full on sex in over 10 years and it's only the occasional oral and by occasional I mean maybe, MAYBE once a year and that's me giving. So basically the question/problem I have is what to do in a relationship with someone you love and have shared most of your adult life with. Someone that is without a doubt your best friend and one of the kindest, sweetest people ever but sometimes feels like if he were ONLY my best friend...nothing would really be different. I am VERY open with him about how I feel and have suggested opening our relationship since he has no desire to, well, no desire! He is not receptive to that idea but I just can't see being happy living with my "roommate/best friend" for the next 30 years (give or take). Any thoughts, advise or help is appreciated.

[kindy64]

couples therapy

[InbetweenDreams]

Why do you think he has no sexual desire? I am friends with a couple who have been together for over 10 years and they openly say they don't have sex and they don't seem to have a problem with it and they're not in an open relationship.

I mean that is a bit unbalanced, there's something you're needing/wanting out of a relationship that you're not getting. I think we need to know about your partner's deal as to why he doesn't want sex...assuming he's given you any explanation. I mean there could be something wrong with his health, low testosterone or could be he just doesn't care for sex...or perhaps there's more to it. Not wanting to plant any ideas or suspicion but there's a reason for whatever is going on....

[meridannight]

Such a low libido in the long term could well be physiological (i.e. low testosterone). A man with such a low sex drive is an anomaly, so there must be something physiological going on, in my opinion.

Guys do go through a decrease in sex drive as they get older, but once a year is just not normal. Have you two considered this? Or what exactly has he told you about why he doesn't want to/can't have sex?

[LJay]

If you are able to talk about it can you suggest that he have physical exam with a doctor competent in the field. Also, couples therapy is an excellent idea. You should approach it not only from the point of you not having sex but also how to preserve your marriange and how to accept each other. Whatever your course, you will have to have a great deal of patience. It is also possible that you may need to talk with a therapist alone and on your own behalf. You should be able to tell him about it, but try couples therapy first if he will go along. Good luck.