Boyfriend wants a child...

[princealbertofb]

It is interesting, in fact, that because we are talking about a gay men couple, there is all this caution about getting the child. I don't think straight couples worry quite so much about kids when they 'happen' in the couple's life. The same responsibilities go with the territory, of course. But if one of you wants the kid badly, then it should be that person's responsibility first and foremost. Look at how many single-parent families have to manage with raising the kids, regardless of what the partner, spouse or other 'potential parent' thinks.

It is also interesting to note that here, in France, adoption for gay couples isn't something that you can officially do, but as a single person, you can perfectly adopt. That says a lot about the capacity of one person to raise a child on their own, regardless of their relationships.

Of course, I'm not trying to say that you shouldn't consider the child's life and upbringing at all. Of course you should make a big case of it, as it is a great responsibility, but I'm thinking the situation is a little skewed in that because we are not conventional couples, it is more important to solve the relationship problems before the child arrives. That's the ideal situation. Discussing the arrival of a child and planning for it is a good thing. Just remember that we cannot be assured of anything that happens in life however well we plan ours.

[princealbertofb]

Maybe you guys need to draw up lists of negative and positive points about having this baby. Write all the positives that you hope to get from this new relationship with a kid, and think of all the negatives that it will entail. You can then make more of an informed choice.

[Mike]

guys, i think my main problem is that i still don't know what i want from my life. i failed many times last year. i was fired from two companies. i didn't achieve any success ...maybe it did some impact on my psychological state. i am 37 and in reality i didn't achieve anything. my man on the contrary received a promotion and now he earns pretty much. i try to find a new reliable job... maybe because of this i began to doubt about everything because i don't have a solid ground under my feet...
thanx for the advice. we will try to talk seriously and make the list of bad and good things concerning having a child. i also think that we should talk freely about what is going on with our relations...hope everything will be right.
i love my bf, i just think too much about myself.

[InbetweenDreams]

Kind of sound like me, I mean different issues...and yes if I got fired it would have a major impact on me...not good. I don't think there's anything wrong with me being 30 and unsure or you being 37 and unsure with what you want to do with your life.

It is exactly that feeling of having solid ground under my feet that keeps me where I'm at. I keep waiting for that sense of security and control. It is in a lot of ways in our heads because we do and we don't have control. We can choose to get up on time or hit the snooze button but we don't control the 5 car pile up on the commute to work.

I think something that is important is finding something passionate, something that matters deeply to you, can be anything. You don't have to seek the career that is going to make you the richest person as long as you don't hate doing it or hate yourself doing it.

I think it is kind of natural to think of ourselves. You know worried about how you look, or whether someone is going to think you're a loser or whatever. Can internalize all these thoughts and the reality is they never saw you the way you seen yourself (grammar police?). Just like the way I see someone might seem miles apart to how they see theirself.

Anyway, not sure what sort of work you do or what happened...or what might be going on in your relationship...

[princealbertofb]

Good luck with the talk, [MENTION=23679]Mike[/MENTION]. It is probably the best way to go. I wouldn't be surprised that your two job losses actually left you a little depressed. And how can one think about the future, let alone a future with a new person in the family to take care of when one is depressed? Maybe the two of you, once you've discussed it, could get some counselling about how to raise the child? You may take home some interesting facts and truths to work through.

[Mike]

You know failures always make men feel depressed and totally broken. when you 20 it is ok, but when you are 37 it influences your emotional and psychological state greatly. I really need time to calm down a bit and think about the life and how it can change if we have a child.

[Darius]

Have you tried talking to people who have adopted or even parents who have biological children.
I come from a large family with lots of babies and small children. Of course children are going to change your life. How much you are willing to change, only you know.

[Mike]

Actually we don't have friends that adopted a child but we have friends (straight ones) who have children and bf's sister has recently born a daughter. we communicate with them, they tell us different things about their children but they don't go into the details about what they changed in their life because of children. they seem to be very happy because of that. maybe because of this my bf thinks that it is too easy but in reality it is not... i have an idea! thank you Darius! i think we should talk with his sister about the peculiarities of raising up and the changes in her life after the baby is born. and i need to ask her about all changes, not only positive one!

[kindy64]

My ex-wife and I adopted an older child (12 when we got him) from our state child services agency.

Keep this in mind when you are talking about adopting children, as there are plenty of these children available. They often have a harder time getting placed because everyone wants an infant.

You can see children available for adoption here http://www.adoptuskids.org/