Boyfriend wants a child...

[Mike]

Hello, guys!!! I need your advice urgently!I am Mike and I described my problem to you some time ago. You know I had problems in my relationships and I didn’t know the reason for this. Not so long ago we visited my boyfriend’s sister (It was at Christmas). Recently she has born a little angel, Susan. She is so tiny and I noticed how my boyfriend reacted on Susan. His eyes were full of happiness when he took Susie on hands… I realized that this can be the reason what we lack…when we came home I decided to speak to him frankly and as it turned out he really wanted to become dad… biodad… but I don’t know to the end if this what I want or what I am ready too…..

[kindy64]

kids are not meant to "fix" a relationship...

[InbetweenDreams]

kids are not meant to "fix" a relationship...

That is exactly the truth.


So what problems do you see or does he see in the relationship?

One thing for sure kids won't make anything better. I compare things to wanting a new car, it is exciting and even still is when you get it but it wears off and raising kids if often what drives people apart over money and daycare and so on. I think it is great that he wants to be a dad but got to iron out whatever is going on between you two first before embarking on something that huge.

I mean for me, moving in with someone would be huge huge step for me...I couldn't imagine anytime soon to be bringing up kids....and yeah I'd love to have kids at some point, but got plenty to work on before I get to that.

[matty7]

i didn't have an answer till i saw Kindy64s -- kids become your life if you have one , you and your bf then will always come second to the bundle of joy you have together - you need to feel like that if you want a child together - unless your Elton john with millions in the bank and can hand it off to a nanny like a fashion item then the baby has to be your life - if you cant give the child 100% then you need to say so now and discuss everything - it may not be as scary as you may think though

[Darius]

Mike, if I am not mistaken, the last time you started a thread about this, you were the one who wanted to be a father.
Now it's your bf who wants a child and you are not sure that is what you want.
What's up with that?

[Mike]

Mike, if I am not mistaken, the last time you started a thread about this, you were the one who wanted to be a father.
Now it's your bf who wants a child and you are not sure that is what you want.
What's up with that?

You know guys i can totally agree with you that you can't fix the relationships with the help of children. But for me now there is only one way out ...you know i love my bf very much and i can do anything for him to be happy. several years ago we had the same talk and then we decided to try adoption. i agreed even without thought that children are great responsibility and i might be not ready for it. but then it was ok, adoption process failed and then we though about surrogacy. everything seemed good and in the summer we were looking for the best destination for the program. then in September my bf's mother died and thought about surrogacy went away. i thought they will never come back. but the situation with Susan changed everything. i talked to myself - "if this really what i want?"

[InbetweenDreams]

So.... What's wrong in the relationship? Think about the consequences of a failed relationship with having a kid in the picture. I think it is a wee bit selfish that you don't think much about having a kid but more about what you want and somehow it making things better. Not being an ass here but things are being left out and I don't think people would be in good conscience giving the advice of yeah go have a kid.

[Mike]

yeahhh...the picture with breaking the relationships where a couple has a child doesn't seem so bright...maybe you are right that i am too selfish.... i say that i love my bf but in reality it seems not so because i think about myself and my life in the first turn...i am 37 but it seems like 17...maybe it is time for me to grow up already? my old friends (they are straight couple) behaved like children but then she suddenly gt pregnant and they decided to leave the child. we were afraid that they will not manage to cope with everything because they are children...but things changed greatly... they grow up together with their son

[cormeum]

You should only have a child if you BOTH want it. It's not something you can just agree about. You must really want it.

I think the reason why things change for people when they suddenly become parents is because - what else is there to do? A child is not a puppy or a kitten, that you can give back to shelter if you end up not liking it. Of course, the only possibility is to grow up and pretend to love the child even if they secretly don't.

And honestly this is something you should've talked about when you started your relationship. Because when one partner wants children and the other one don't, that's a deal breaker. You cannot compromise about that.

[InbetweenDreams]

[MENTION=23679]Mike[/MENTION] So are you saying that you tell your bf that you love him but really you don't? I see that as a big problem in the relationship if that's what you mean. Do clarify.

All I can say is you have to be sure about things with him and he about you before bringing kids or really any time you're embarking on a relationship you're expecting to be in for the rest of your life.