Your Best and Your Worst

[Emiliano]

This can be taken however you like - physically, intellectually, emotionally...

What do you think is your best trait, and why?
What do you think is your worst trait, and what would you do to alter it if you could?

And would you be willing to lose your best trait for the ability to alter your worst?

[InbetweenDreams]

Hmm well best trait physically... hard for me to pick one trait... probably my eyes? Worst physical trait...probably my smile...not that I have a bad smile just I don't like my teeth and unless $20k falls out of the sky there's not much I can do about it other than well...keep them.

Eh when it comes to the physical, I don't think trading traits is going to help me, I'd want to change almost everything about how I look if I could. I suppose if I win the lottery I could do all kinds of shit but yeah not going to happen and may as well get used to how I am and try to accept it for how I'm going to look. All I can do is try to improve what I got. Going to look into some things that might help my teeth situation, but I mean I need surgeries, bone grafting, braces... I kind of embarrassed myself about the subject not too long ago too so yeah, if I was to trade...sure I guess poke my eyes out idk.

[Emiliano]

Hmm well best trait physically... hard for me to pick one trait... probably my eyes? Worst physical trait...probably my smile...not that I have a bad smile just I don't like my teeth and unless $20k falls out of the sky there's not much I can do about it other than well...keep them.

Eh when it comes to the physical, I don't think trading traits is going to help me, I'd want to change almost everything about how I look if I could. I suppose if I win the lottery I could do all kinds of shit but yeah not going to happen and may as well get used to how I am and try to accept it for how I'm going to look. All I can do is try to improve what I got. Going to look into some things that might help my teeth situation, but I mean I need surgeries, bone grafting, braces... I kind of embarrassed myself about the subject not too long ago too so yeah, if I was to trade...sure I guess poke my eyes out idk.

That's a big trade, eyes for a better smile. You really think it'd be worth it?

[InbetweenDreams]

That's a big trade, eyes for a better smile. You really think it'd be worth it?

No probably not.

Likewise the reality is can't trade it. I do think having a nice smile is important and well unfortunately my dad stopped taking me to the dentist when I was 12 because he saw it as a waste of money, that's the short short story. I don't want to go into any more detail because well I'm am ashamed and don't want to.

Frankly if you ask me and maybe this is part of my problem of my perception of myself but I don't think my looks are great, I don't think I have any physical qualities that are "wow" just bleh anyway... So I guess if anything I better make up for it in personality, I at least have some control over that and well I'm not so sure I have the greatest personality either... I can act like a bitch when I don't get what I want...

[Emiliano]

No probably not.

Likewise the reality is can't trade it. I do think having a nice smile is important and well unfortunately my dad stopped taking me to the dentist when I was 12 because he saw it as a waste of money, that's the short short story. I don't want to go into any more detail because well I'm am ashamed and don't want to.

Frankly if you ask me and maybe this is part of my problem of my perception of myself but I don't think my looks are great, I don't think I have any physical qualities that are "wow" just bleh anyway... So I guess if anything I better make up for it in personality, I at least have some control over that and well I'm not so sure I have the greatest personality either... I can act like a bitch when I don't get what I want...

That's ok, no pressure to talk about anything you don't want to.
But if I can ask, why'd you decide to answer your best trait by using your physical traits, if you are so self conscious about your physical appearance? What do you think is your best trait in terms of your personality?

[InbetweenDreams]

That's ok, no pressure to talk about anything you don't want to.
But if I can ask, why'd you decide to answer your best trait by using your physical traits, if you are so self conscious about your physical appearance? What do you think is your best trait in terms of your personality?

I guess it is easier for me to pick on that than trying to decide what about my personality or intellect is best or worst.

Personality... Well it depends. I mean lord have mercy on the person I fall in love with, because I'm very much one to try to thoughtful and I really want to be able to make someone happy. I'm bad for wanting to buy gifts and things like that. The bad side is that I think I'm a bit neurotic, I can be a little too sensitive, take things the wrong way and sometimes not really listen. I think I have a good sense of humor and I like making people laugh and sometimes people like it and others not a fan... I can actually be good at conversation, but the bad side is that I have to be engaged in it... If it is something I don't care about I'm probably not going to be much fun talking about it. It is like this guy who is two states from me, I know he likes me but I can't get him to talk and I get tired of it, fucking talk about something besides how work was, I need someone with enough intellect to at least make me think and so many people can't do that. I had a date over once who really I guess just dull, wouldn't stop raving about Word War Z, like it was the best movie since ever... I thought it was stupid and the way he went on about it just made me think he was an idiot so I can be a ruthless, judging asshole...

I'm an INFJ, and I think I do fit that fairly well. I am judging, I have a pretty heightened sense of intuition and I'm definitely up to my ears about feeling things. I'm not always emphatic on everyone and everything but I tend to be that way and may have it totally wrong but I do seem to feel how others feel and there's some things that I guess rattle my cage enough that I don't want to discuss certain topics or find other things I have to deal with very difficult, it isn't easy for me sometimes.

Worst personality trait goes between my low self efficacy, insecurity, worrying/anxiety and sometimes my temper although nothing like it was when I was growing up. I'm far too worried about things I either can't change or can't control. At times the weight of the world feels like it is on my shoulders when it really isn't.

So it is hard to say what is best or what is worst about me. I know I have a decent personality but it isn't for everyone, just like I know I'm far far from being the most handsome guy, or the smartest... So I often do feel like I would be a compromise for someone, which is a bad feeling thinking someone is just giving up and settling. I do think it is misplaced, I don't think it is the right thing to think but I also think it is bad to go around thinking I'm hot shit when I'm not. So where do I find middle ground and how to I stop giving a shit whether some guy is way out of my league or not. How the hell would I know one way or the other? How do I stop this train?

[Doc]

My best trait is my loyalty, Ive always been loyal to a fault Ive never abandon my friends even when it would have been a good for me socially, but nobody can call me disloyal or undependable.

My worst trait is my impulsive violent nature, if I could alter it I would be more calculated. Impulsive violence has made me fight the wrong person a few times.

I would never stop being violent though, it might sound strange but I have always liked it and I think I was lucky to be so violent it helped me as a child. I grew up in a tough neighborhood and had I been soft hearted the other kids would have eaten me alive. The fact that I was quick to physical violence probably saved me alot of beat downs. It also gives me more confidence as an adult, Im not afraid of anyone physically, Im not afraid of bad parts of town like some people are.

I would never trade my loyalty though. My loyalty along with my honesty, dependability, and violence are thing my friends have always been able to count on and I think it helped me when I was a soldier.

[Emiliano]

I guess it is easier for me to pick on that than trying to decide what about my personality or intellect is best or worst.

Personality... Well it depends. I mean lord have mercy on the person I fall in love with, because I'm very much one to try to thoughtful and I really want to be able to make someone happy. I'm bad for wanting to buy gifts and things like that. The bad side is that I think I'm a bit neurotic, I can be a little too sensitive, take things the wrong way and sometimes not really listen. I think I have a good sense of humor and I like making people laugh and sometimes people like it and others not a fan... I can actually be good at conversation, but the bad side is that I have to be engaged in it... If it is something I don't care about I'm probably not going to be much fun talking about it. It is like this guy who is two states from me, I know he likes me but I can't get him to talk and I get tired of it, fucking talk about something besides how work was, I need someone with enough intellect to at least make me think and so many people can't do that. I had a date over once who really I guess just dull, wouldn't stop raving about Word War Z, like it was the best movie since ever... I thought it was stupid and the way he went on about it just made me think he was an idiot so I can be a ruthless, judging asshole...

I'm an INFJ, and I think I do fit that fairly well. I am judging, I have a pretty heightened sense of intuition and I'm definitely up to my ears about feeling things. I'm not always emphatic on everyone and everything but I tend to be that way and may have it totally wrong but I do seem to feel how others feel and there's some things that I guess rattle my cage enough that I don't want to discuss certain topics or find other things I have to deal with very difficult, it isn't easy for me sometimes.

Worst personality trait goes between my low self efficacy, insecurity, worrying/anxiety and sometimes my temper although nothing like it was when I was growing up. I'm far too worried about things I either can't change or can't control. At times the weight of the world feels like it is on my shoulders when it really isn't.

So it is hard to say what is best or what is worst about me. I know I have a decent personality but it isn't for everyone, just like I know I'm far far from being the most handsome guy, or the smartest... So I often do feel like I would be a compromise for someone, which is a bad feeling thinking someone is just giving up and settling. I do think it is misplaced, I don't think it is the right thing to think but I also think it is bad to go around thinking I'm hot shit when I'm not. So where do I find middle ground and how to I stop giving a shit whether some guy is way out of my league or not. How the hell would I know one way or the other? How do I stop this train?

I don't know what to tell you really, other than it seems like you have a tendency to define yourself by what you have to offer to a romantic partner. What about what you have to offer as an employee? As a son? As a neighbor, a member of your community? Not something you have to answer here, but maybe just to think about in your own mind.

I don't mean to overstep or anything by saying that, but it's the vibe I've gotten from your replies both here and elsewhere. When a person bases their self worth off their relationship status, it makes being single an automatic and constat state of failure and opens the door for the potential of some unhealthy relationships if you do get into one.

I think you're right to identify your worst trait as low self efficacy and insecurity. I can say that without really knowing you, just because those traits are universal in their ability to drag a person down. Even if you had shark teeth, there's no way that your smile could be doing more to hold you back than carrying around a ton of self doubt and low self esteem.

Suddenly having perfect, straight, white teeth probably wouldn't fix your troubles any more than suddenly being in a relationship would. It's nice to think that they'd help, and on some levels I'm sure they would. But until you are ready to confront the voice in your own head telling you that you aren't good enough, it's going to always find something that isn't right or isn't good enough.

How to do that though is a personal journey. Therapists can try to equip you with tools, friends and the experiences of others might give you some confidence, but ultimately it's a battle we face with ourselves. That doesn't mean to just give up and accept all flaws as permanent, but to be able to accept that you are who you are, and that who and how you are are valid ways to be, and to feel confident in that.

Take it with a grain of salt I guess, because I'm not a romantic person, I'm not the type of person who wants a relationship. When I'm older yeah, but as each year passes and I actually do get older, the general age I mean by "when I get older" seems to get pushed further and further back. But what I lack in the ability to see what's so desirable about a relationship, I make up for in my ability to see what's so desirable about being an independent person with a strong sense of self and role. So that's the general direction I tend to nudge people towards when handing out unsolicited advice.

[Emiliano]

My best trait is my loyalty, Ive always been loyal to a fault Ive never abandon my friends even when it would have been a good for me socially, but nobody can call me disloyal or undependable.

My worst trait is my impulsive violent nature, if I could alter it I would be more calculated. Impulsive violence has made me fight the wrong person a few times.

I would never stop being violent though, it might sound strange but I have always liked it and I think I was lucky to be so violent it helped me as a child. I grew up in a tough neighborhood and had I been soft hearted the other kids would have eaten me alive. The fact that I was quick to physical violence probably saved me alot of beat downs. It also gives me more confidence as an adult, Im not afraid of anyone physically, Im not afraid of bad parts of town like some people are.

I would never trade my loyalty though. My loyalty along with my honesty, dependability, and violence are thing my friends have always been able to count on and I think it helped me when I was a soldier.

I find it interesting you describe your best trait as something you do to a fault and your worst trait as something that has helped you out greatly in your life.

[InbetweenDreams]

I don't know what to tell you really, other than it seems like you have a tendency to define yourself by what you have to offer to a romantic partner. What about what you have to offer as an employee? As a son? As a neighbor, a member of your community? Not something you have to answer here, but maybe just to think about in your own mind.

Well I honestly can't really tell what I have to offer a romantic partner, other than I want to make them happy and be able to provide a nice home, life, be able to go do things, travel and so on. There's a lot and I'm sure somewhere I have hit on it. I don't know why exactly I default to that. If I had to guess it is more to do with me wanting that because I'm 30 and I'm single and not many friends and not much to do and wanting, needing some kind of companionship which has been difficult to find... I mean I'm determined to change it but damn change can take a long time and I'm very much tired of waiting...but a lot of it is my own fault.

Anyway, if I were to look at it as an employee. I can't say I'm perfect but I'm reliable, hardly ever take a sick day and always willing to help out and do things beyond the scope of my job. Not in my job description but I was tutoring a student teaching them programming, but they did eventually quit coming and I have even thought about getting more involved but of course there's politics in trying to do good things like start a tech club or tutoring or whatever.

Neighbor, well unlike our neighbors there isn't a broken toilet in the yard. I mean you probably get a different picture.... But wrong, imagine a nice 3 story house...with trash, and yes a toilet in the yard... Of course since we live behind this house trash and crap gets brought up from the wind and their dogs... Other than that I'm approachable lol and I don't stir shit up with neighbors.

I don't mean to overstep or anything by saying that, but it's the vibe I've gotten from your replies both here and elsewhere. When a person bases their self worth off their relationship status, it makes being single an automatic and constat state of failure and opens the door for the potential of some unhealthy relationships if you do get into one.

Yeah I think something which has taken me a lot of time to realize that even if I meet the guy of my dreams I would probably do them a disservice in trying to have a relationship. I like the idea but probably would fail badly and why blow the one chance you have with someone if you don't know how to run with it. At least I don't think I know what I'm really doing trying to get in a relationship and yeah I certainly wouldn't want to be in a bad one. One of the things that really made me think is that people being totally different in a relationship than being friends or something else, not something you really think about. Of course I even thought about how I might end being in a relationship, like am I someone that anyone would want to live with. I mean not talking about leaving towels on the floor but can I be a person that someone would be happy to come home to or is it an argument that's about to brew about whatever...dinner, dishes, why is the house still a mess, bills... I don't want to think of myself being the cold person bitching to my partner because something isn't right or had a bad day at work and kind of scares me, I don't see myself being like that but I also don't know what it is like being in a relationship for 8 years and the new car smell is long gone... Kind of deep and I think it is important. If I say I love someone I want to fucking mean it and be able to be the person that would help my partner stand if that makes sense....

So yeah I got some soul searching and just work on myself, I got bills I got to get paid down, because I sure ain't going anywhere without a little bit of money. I guess try to figure out what it is that I really want in life...

I think you're right to identify your worst trait as low self efficacy and insecurity. I can say that without really knowing you, just because those traits are universal in their ability to drag a person down. Even if you had shark teeth, there's no way that your smile could be doing more to hold you back than carrying around a ton of self doubt and low self esteem.

Yeah those are universally bad traits and yeah I want to get rid of it. I kind of go through times when I do feel good about myself and don't have and in others right back in it. So not sure if it is something I'm doing, like thinking on it all the time. I might just need to consider medication for a little while until I get some things straight.

Suddenly having perfect, straight, white teeth probably wouldn't fix your troubles any more than suddenly being in a relationship would. It's nice to think that they'd help, and on some levels I'm sure they would. But until you are ready to confront the voice in your own head telling you that you aren't good enough, it's going to always find something that isn't right or isn't good enough.

I make it out like my teeth are rotting out and I have garbage breath, neither are true, especially since having the $1,500 in crap done last year... I got wisdom teeth that need to go too, not looking forward to that. Normally I don't even think about it but did come up a while back and been thinking about, looking at myself in the mirror and thinking I hope they don't tell a good joke. Really though it is that since I never had braces my teeth don't line up all to well...

How to do that though is a personal journey. Therapists can try to equip you with tools, friends and the experiences of others might give you some confidence, but ultimately it's a battle we face with ourselves. That doesn't mean to just give up and accept all flaws as permanent, but to be able to accept that you are who you are, and that who and how you are are valid ways to be, and to feel confident in that.

Take it with a grain of salt I guess, because I'm not a romantic person, I'm not the type of person who wants a relationship. When I'm older yeah, but as each year passes and I actually do get older, the general age I mean by "when I get older" seems to get pushed further and further back. But what I lack in the ability to see what's so desirable about a relationship, I make up for in my ability to see what's so desirable about being an independent person with a strong sense of self and role. So that's the general direction I tend to nudge people towards when handing out unsolicited advice.

Well that is a personal journey for sure. I told someone that if I had a 2nd chance I would be happy to relive the last 15 years of my life. I really missed out on a lot of shit. No school dances, no prom, no dates... Either due to me being shy, or my dad just not wanting to be bothered to take me to these things. Like in 2000 when I came down here, I almost got into playing football but no, my dad wasn't about to risk taking any chance that he might have to pay medical bills should I get hurt playing football and it wasn't because he was over protective. He was more begrudged because he didn't get to do those things and eventhough my grandpa was encouraging it (grandpa on my dad's side) he wasn't having it. I don't know how many times I hear him 'I didn't get to do that when I was a kid." Also off subject, my mom is disabled, they had burritos for lunch and the refired beans they heated in the microwave, well my mom who can hardly get around drops the beans on the floor. My dad gets pissed and starts screaming at her. I come up to find out what the fuck the problem is and she's on the floor crying trying to clean up....everything I could do from not kicking his ass but going to jail over this shit isn't worth it...So, yes I stepped in and I cleaned up the mess... I told him, that upset over beans? He says back to me that I get upset over less... Me thinking yeah I scream at my disabled mother for spilling the beans on a regular basis, he's a piece of shit sometimes. That's the shit I deal with. I can't do much about it, really. I mean if I call him on his bullshit it becomes a yelling match with the possibility of a fight or me finding out I'm homeless, so I have to play referee and I can't do shit anymore, it fucking kills me to see my mother being treated this way...

Anyway sorry for the rant and no you're not overstepping anything...

I think the relationship thing might be more of a human nature thing, but for me it is being able to love someone and be able to make them happy and them make you happy to have someone be your wing man sort to speak, not so much to hold your hand because oh not sure if you can do anything on your own. It's not supposed to kill your independence, I wouldn't think. It is being able to be in the comfort of someone else's arms and I guess a sense of security... Maybe it is something that was missing in my childhood, not that my childhood was terrible but there was some bad things that did happen and might have kind of screwed me up...