Rebuilding trust

[Anonymous]

My boyfriend recently admitted that several times over the past year, he may have had sex with other guys while he was drunk. He is not saying he did have sex, but admits it may have happened while he was blacked out. He simply can not recall if anything happened or not.

His drinking has slowed down, and the last several months have had very few episodes of out of control drinking. He is toying with the idea of attending AA meetings. I know that's not something I can push him to do, he has to want to get better.

The past 2 weeks he's been almost 100% sober except for 1 night where he had a glass of wine. He has been opening up a lot in the past 2 weeks about a number of things regarding our relationship. He has a lot of inner doubt with regards to what makes him happy, what he wants in life, and where he sees us going. He loves me, wants to be with me, but it doesn't match the fantasy he's had when growing up.

So, although it hurts to find out he may have done this, putting himself in places where this was a possibility, I am willing to give him a pass on previous possible infidelity. There are a number of other reasons I'm not going to state here, to stay anonymous. The behavior is not "out of bounds" for what has happened to him in the past.

Right now, I'm just not sure how to rebuild the trust I had in him. I always had suspicions about his nights out with friends, but always brushed those off, since we always stated that we'd be open and honest about everything. When I'd ask him about what happened, it was always, oh I cuddled with him, but that's all.

He says his possible infidelity has been a motivation for giving me permission to seek sex outside our relationship. Something which I only lightly considered, rejecting it because I can't see having sex with anyone else if we do not have a healthy sexual relationship between ourselves. And I have a great desire to have sex with him, he is always the one denying it to me. I've never given him permission to see sex outside our relationship. I've always told him being in an open relationship, or even just inviting another guy into our bedroom, is something that may occur when our relationship is on more solid ground.

Any advice would be appreciated.

[RomanticMan]

Let me make it clear for me.

You might have cheated on you. and you ask how you can rebuild the trust? I think he's the one to build a trust. When it's for daily situations, I usually and secretly give them a chance to fix what they've done.

[InbetweenDreams]

That's a tough one to call.... I would be concerned about his history of drinking and blacking out. I will say that it is good that he is beginning to try to do something about it because alcoholism is a bad road to go down. It is hard to place a lot of fault on someone when they are in such a state that they cannot recall what happened. More than likely he knows he's cheated on you, not saying he's lying about anything here because it does sound like he is trying to be honest and clean up his act....but relapsing is common so you should know what to expect from him should his drinking problem recur.

[Anonymous]

Let me make it clear for me.

He might have cheated on you. and you ask how you can rebuild the trust? I think he's the one to build a trust. When it's for daily situations, I usually and secretly give them a chance to fix what they've done.

I mean, what do I do in terms of approaching him with how this has broken my trust in him, and what he needs to do to rebuild it.

[RomanticMan]

I'm not very experienced so havent the foggiest about how to approach him. Also, not for love life, but in daily life, I dont care about what someone should do to rebuild my trust. I just leave this to them. they're the one who breaks and they should find it.

[InbetweenDreams]

I mean, what do I do in terms of approaching him with how this has broken my trust in him, and what he needs to do to rebuild it.

What would you say he needs to do to be trusted again?

Also...I apologize I tend to skip around when reading long posts.

Right now, I'm just not sure how to rebuild the trust I had in him. I always had suspicions about his nights out with friends, but always brushed those off, since we always stated that we'd be open and honest about everything. When I'd ask him about what happened, it was always, oh I cuddled with him, but that's all.

This is where I have a problem. I'm pretty sure he is full of shit when he doesn't remember whether or not he's had sex with another guy or not... Very likely he knows and using his alcohol problem as a means of trying to soften the blow.

[kindy64]

Well, best advice as always with relationship problems are to talk about the issues. It sounds like there are a lot of underlying issues with your boyfriend. He should probably seek help for those issues while the two of you rebuild your relationship.

Here are a few links to one of my favorite go to sources for gay issues...

https://www.thegaytherapycenter.com/adam...-an-affair

Affairs, untreated addictions, and poor self-care habits are all methods of attempted escape. They help us avoid the worthwhile and challenging work of looking at what is really true about ourselves, our childhood experiences, and our relationships. They represent "acting out" of feelings rather than directly facing them with mindfulness and compassionate courage.

[deephiance]

I foresee a lot of hardship in this relationship, and fidelity is merely a symptom of the bigger problem.

I grew up in a household with substance abuse, mainly alcohol, and I know I am a long way from being alone in this because this is a massive issue in families and relationships.

A person abusing alcohol or any other substance, simply cannot be trusted even when they 'appear' to be telling the truth or appear to be 100% transparent as they still lie due to omission of facts.

There will be many wagons to fall off and that will happen....many many times.

When it comes to trust and rebuilding trust, you have to be realistic and open to the probability it make never happen, or many never be fully restored.

Actions will in the end speak louder than words...'Iwill go to AA' means jack shit until he actually goes...and so on.