Should I Wait?

[D21098]

Hi everyone,

(I have never used these before, so please be patient and please help!)

I am a 27 male, who was in a relationship with a 25 male.

We have each had long term relationships in the past but this felt like something else!

We had instant chemistry, a great connection. After a few months he started asking for space. He would tell his friends how strong he felt about me but that he couldn't see me more than a couple of times a week. Despite them saying why does this rule have to exist, he couldn't explain it. So him taking space was hard.

On top of this he's starting a new business while managing the one he's already in. So this has put him under a lot of strain emotionally, psychologically and financially. He also has a bad home life. A family member is an abusive alcoholic. This meaning he has no chance for real down time at home. In the past he has also been physically and emotionally abused by his exes.

I have offered to support him and do whatever I can to help him with all of this. He has now turned round and said he cannot give me what I want or deserve in a relationship despite how amazing he thinks I am. That he is not ready. He has therefore asked if we can stay friends. After a long conversation I said I could understand and would try, but that he should know I was doing so because I would hope we would be back together again. He thanked me for understanding and we parted on good terms... we still hugged and kissed.

His friends have been in touch and said they think he has made a mistake but that he is independent and would not be swayed by them. They have said I can wait, good for me, but don't sacrifice myself as for some reason that they don't understand he is being selfish. They think I have been great for him and exactly what he needs.

Since then we do not really text at all. I have seen him twice in the last month. Every other week. We've met and spent entire evenings together. Go for dinner and drinks. Then when he drops me off, hugging good bye (no kissing). During that time it is like our first dates, great communication, flirting and attraction is evident on both parts...

I would appreciate your help and guidance to know, should I continue to wait? Am I doing the right thing? Am I going about it the right way?

He has said he still cares for me. He is still attracted to me. That there is no one else. That he needs to do this alone but wants me there still. That he just cannot do a relationship right now, cannot ask me to wait or promise that we will get back together.

I have said how I feel about it. That I am in some form waiting. But that for now he focuses on him and I'll focus on me.

Please Help my online friends.

Best wishes.
D

[IanSaysHi]

Hi

I've kind of been in his position before, and ended up doing the same as he has done with you, to two of my exes.

As you've explained he has a lot going on right now. I myself have thrown myself into work since I could first get a job. My career has always been there for me, I only feel successful/happy if I'm doing well with my career. However it's also led to frequent bouts of stress and made me ill simply from putting in too much. I also had a very intense relationship in my early twenties, when this ended I was a bit of a wreck and juggling this with the pressure of work I'd built around me led to a very horrible year that I never want to repeat again. I truly feel it was that year that's led to me being single now; I've had relationships since where we seem to be starting something really good, but the first sign of any work or outside stress and I bail. I think I'm so used to dealing with things alone, and wanting to avoid that year, that I can't let anyone join me for the ride.

His reasons may be completely different but that's just my perspective. I think until he's truly happy with himself, worked through any outstanding issues and is ready to let you in then you could be waiting a long time - possibly for nothing. My best advice would be to keep seeing him as a friend, but still have your door open to other opportunities with someone else because you can't sacrifice the chance of your happiness waiting for someone else. All the best

[D21098]

Hi Ian,

Thank you! His priorities do seem to be the business. Its so hard to see the inner conflict within him as though he does want to be together, to just walk away.

People have said leave the door open... does this mean see each other as friends and occasionally kiss him or hint that I'd like to be together? I do not really understand how I do this...

We have lots of plans together like concerts and trips, should I ask to cancel them?

Should I stop messaging and asking to see him and leave it for him to come to me?

Thank you in advance for your help.

D

[IanSaysHi]

In all honesty - I'd say if you stop messaging him (probably better for you) you might end up waiting a long time for him to come to you.

It's probably best to have a very frank conversation with him and tell him you care for him, and if he thinks he just needs to get over a temporary hurdle, then you will wait for him. If not, you need to know so you can move on and look for someone else. I've also been in your position too - if he just wants to be friends then you may need to tell him that YOU will need some space away from him in order for you to get over him, because maintaining contact will only make you keep wondering 'what if....?'.

I have to stress if he says he just wants friendship, don't carry on hoping that he'll change his mind. I did that once, and it led to that messy year I mentioned.

[D21098]

We are seeing each other this weekend... so maybe after that I could take some time for myself and not message?

I don't like to test him or put him under any extra pressure for the next month or so as this is crunch time for his business opening... once that's up and running perhaps at that point I could ask if he can see us, even slowly, getting back on track to dating? Not even full blown relationship again?

He's been amazing in the past so I would be willing to give him at least some time...

I appreciate you sharing about your past experience. thank you.

D x

[Darius]

Rather than being one thing, it sounds like a combination of them--bad past relationships, bad family situation, both of which could cause trust issues, then the stress of his career.
He is being honest with you. He is not relationship-material right now. Will he ever be? Time will tell.
Some people are just not healthy enough for a relationship and hopefully it's not permanent.

Should you wait for him? Only you know that, but how long should you wait is something you need to ask yourself, too.

[D21098]

Thanks IanSaysHi... without asking too much of you, because you have been so open and helpful so far... were you able to move past your problems committing and focusing on your work? I am just curious to see if it is a phase...

Darius, thank you. I am bearing in mind that everyones advice is subjective and i need to use my own discretion with it all. Fingers crossed things improve. But i have placed a non official deadline on things for my own sake

[IanSaysHi]

Thanks IanSaysHi... without asking too much of you, because you have been so open and helpful so far... were you able to move past your problems committing and focusing on your work? I am just curious to see if it is a phase...

Darius, thank you. I am bearing in mind that everyones advice is subjective and i need to use my own discretion with it all. Fingers crossed things improve. But i have placed a non official deadline on things for my own sake

Personally, no but I could very well be a one-off. Like I say I've tried dating, things go well then as soon as things get stressful I completely retreat into myself and focus on getting rid of as much 'complexity' in my life as possible. For example I was seeing a guy for a couple of months last year, things were going well then I had a change at work that just sent me into a panic and so much stress.. He wanted to see me in the evenings and I started to see it as him being needy which I couldn't handle, I just wanted to be alone. So I ended it. I ended up changing jobs and moving away anyway. But my reaction is always to end it when I'm under pressure rather than be with someone to work through it together. This is the polar opposite of how I was in my late teens to early twenties, where I didn't want to end things with my ex at all, but the way things ended during that year of hell changed me permanently. I'm hoping the next time I date someone that I'll try to be more open but it's difficult.

[D21098]

I am sorry to hear that year had such a heavy impact on you

thank you for sharing.

What you have described sounds very familiar... It's given me a lot to think about.

I wish you all the best on your next date

[deephiance]

you have been friendzoned

Survey says..........time to move on.