MisterLonely Wrote:I felt lonely last night while laying in bed. So, I started fantasizing about the man of my dreams. .... But as soon as I snap back to reality, I realized that everything was just in my head. And it breaks my heart. 
Wish I can fulfill the real thing someday.
There are so many levels to this. I don't know you and can't really talk about you, so I'm going to talk about me.
Although I grew up knowing I was a cock-sucking faggot (just a few of the degrading words I'd heard), I didn't grow up knowing I was "gay" (see the URL in my signature). I didn't know that I was a part of a socially repressed minority. Nor did I know how HUGE a minority that actually is. True enough, I'd had some sexual experiences as a kid and teenager... nothing beyond vanilla but it felt good and I definitely wanted more. But the thing about this was, these were not encounters with random strangers from some app (or whatever). They were with boys I knew, I knew their parents, their parents knew my parents and so on. Moreover... the first time I felt like I had fallen in love was WITH A BOY... we were in Fifth grade so I guess I would have been about 10 or 11 years old. This was a boy I'd known pretty much all my life but it just so happened that one day we were spending time together going for a walk and he said something that just opened my heart. He was talking about "beauty". He was talking about how beautiful the world was and, I don't know how to explain it except to say that all of a sudden my heart just broke wide open. I knew I "loved" this boy. .... He was NOT (by the way) one of the boys I'd fooled around with. I never DID "fool around" with him... but I had a hard crush on him that lasted for many years.
I felt very depressed through much of my teen years because I felt that, being gay, I could NEVER be happy. Never have the kind of relationship that I wanted. I wasn't exactly sure even what that *was* or *would be like*... but I could see how there was no way I could have it with the boy I was in love with. Not only was he straight (I later learned he may not have been quite as straight as I thought... but that's a whole other story), the reality was we lived in a world that was extremely homophobic. Even if, miracle of miracles, he HAD felt the same way about me as I had about him (he didn't), any chance of our relationship growing and flourishing within that social context was practically zero. EVERYONE would be against us. And, yeah, sure, one can idealize that "love will win"... but the truth is? It often does not. I grew up believing I would *always* be alone.
When I went off to college (this would have been a bit over half a century ago, the second semester was in 1967), within a relatively short time I became "introduced" into the "gay scene" in Chicago (of that era). One of the things that struck me about this was that sex was relatively available. But what was NOT available was "intimacy". Yes, many gay guys had friends, but quite often, they were not sexual with their friends. A few (very few) had boyfriends.. but often those relationships were (or seemed to me to be) far from "ideal". In fact, they were often quite strained. I saw a lot of conflicts. (There are a lot of reasons for this mostly that gay men, especially of that era, didn't know HOW to have a relationship within the context of a homophobic society.) But most importantly what I found was that for the most part I was not drawn to these "gay" men. TBH, I really didn't like most of them. Most of them (it seemed to me) were carrying a shit-load of repressed rage... mostly at the fact they had grown up gay. Many of them felt shame around their sexuality... and so these two things, shame and rage, got mixed up together in such a way that they often acted out their rage on one another in sexual ways. It was complicated and it would take too long to write out all of what I felt about most gay men (and there was, without a doubt, a large portion of internalized homophobia at work here myself... but it wasn't ALL that). The point is that I felt I did not FIT into the 'gay world' at all.
So... there I was. Not only lonely on a personal level, but lonely in a social way. I *did* have friends. In fact, I had a 'sort of' boyfriend. He was a bisexual guy that I'd met in college. We actually ended up living together... well... me and his girlfriend in a 'sort of' ménage àtrois. It was complicated to say the least. At least we were friends and we were also sexual... but it was not the "man of my dreams" relationship you, OP, are talking about.
I did not find that "man of my dreams" relationship for MANY years. Don't misunderstand, I'm not saying your life will be anything at all like mine... I'm sure it will not. What I'm saying is that FOR ME, it took DECADES for me to find that man who loved me the way I loved him. His name was David and we lived together for seven years before he died of a brain tumor.
Yeah. He died and once again I was totally alone. Not alone in the sense that i had no friends. I had lots of friends. I had lots of support to get through this tragedy. But the point is, that man I'd always longed for... he'd existed for a few years and then he was just GONE.
But then, strangely enough, another man showed up (rather suddenly and totally unexpectedly). This man, Thomas, was about as opposite of David as you could get. I'll not even try to describe these two men... but I will say that my relationship with Thomas was FAR more passionate than my relationship with David had ever been. It was the most intense sexual and romantic passion I'd ever felt in my life. Our relationship lasted for five years and, during that time, little by little, Thomas went insane. A lot of this was due to his being HIV+... I was and remain negative... It is very complicated and I could write a whole novel about what happened but suffice it to say, little by little, this man that I loved and felt such passion for and with... he slipped into a kind of insanity from which there was not coming back.
To me, this was even WORSE than David's death. He was still "alive"... still in my life... but I could no longer *relate* to him. He was in another world. Thomas also passed away in 2010... but we'd been living apart since 2001.
From 2001 to September 2014 I not only did I not date, I did not have sex in any way shape or form with anyone. I had my job, my friends, my working out at the gym, my online participation in forums like this... that was my life. I seldom even went out socially with friends. I preferred to stay at home alone. I watched movies, read books, beat off to porn... that was my life.
Then, weirdly enough, I got propositioned to give this 'kid' (an 18yo virgin... a student at the university here where I live) to give him a BJ. I resisted this at first. I thought it was nuts. But, eventually, I relented. This was the first time I had any sexual contact with anyone in a VERY long time. It was nice. I liked it. We actually got together twice before he disappeared. Another year went by and nothing. Then, last summer, I began to 'hook up' on occasion with guys... most of them much younger than I. (So far they've ranged in age from 18 to 63 with the vast majority in the 22 to 32 area.) Some of these have been more than once with the same guy... but these have all been strictly 'sexual' experiences. Well, maybe some possibility of there being an FWB... but nothing more.
Why? Because I'm not sure I can allow myself to HAVE more.... try to understand what is going on here. I have been GRIEVING the loss of my lovers for nearly a decade and a half. I can now *allow* myself to have sexual contact with guys/men where there is a mutual attraction. Sites like silverdaddies.com and apps such as Hornet and Grindr make this possible for me.
But you know what's happened? For YEARS... all during the time I was being celibate (except for jerking off) I did NOT feel lonely. I felt fine! I was more or less happy with my life as it was. I have one good friend who was often talking about how lonely she felt... and I could understand her feeling that way but I didn't share that feeling. I felt JUST FINE living on my own. Happy about it, even.
But now? NOW that I've opened that 'Pandora's box' of sexuality... and *potential* intimacy? NOW I FEEL LONELY. I've had some VERY intensely passionate sexual experiences recently... something I hadn't allowed myself for a very long time... and that's all well and good. But NOW it has awakened this longing inside for that "man of my dreams" you're talking about OP...
And for me? That Longing is tinged with the sadness of having HAD those men... and having LOST them. Tinged not only with LONGING but with GRIEF for what once was but is no more.
Worse, I'm not at all sure I *CAN* allow myself to have that again. IDK if this makes sense but it's complicated. On one level I long for it... but on another level, I *know* (from first-hand experience) how DIFFICULT relationships... even relationships with "the man of my dreams" can be. Relationships take a shit load of work... because intimacy brings up stuff within us that we didn't even know was there. ...
I'm horrified at the thought of 'falling in love' with someone and THEN not having it work out... I'm terrified of allowing myself to feel like I've opened myself up and let someone in, only to have them disappear on me one way or another. I know I'm not an easy person to live with. I know I'm *not* "relationship material" in a lot of ways. Maybe they'll get tired of me. Maybe they'll find someone else. Maybe we won't work out sexually. Maybe they'll get sick and die... Whatever.
I know what LOSS feels like and you know what? As bad as the loneliness is?? The LOSS is worse. Especially now, at my age. It may be different when you're young and you feel like you have the rest of your life ahead of you. That's not the case here. MY "best years" are already gone. So far as having "the man of my dreams" to wrap my arms around (and he wrap his around me) and snuggle up with... and feel like we're growing into one another, becoming ONE THING? ... For me it is "been there, done that." And now... now... I'm alone. Totally and utterly alone.
Sorry if I've taken over your thread, OP... I probably shouldn't have written all this. Oversharing and all that.
Suffice it to say, I know what loneliness feels like. I'm sure most of us here do. It sucks. I guess if I have a point at all it's this: Finding "the man of your dreams" is NOT an end point. On the contrary. Once you find him ... assuming you ever do ... you'll find that is just a beginning. None of us know WHAT life is going to throw at us. Perhaps you'll find "the one" and you'll live happily ever after. Perhaps not. You're young. You SHOULD look... you should at least be open to the possibility. Only that openness *can* make it possible. That's one thing I've learned. But the openness isn't the same thing as the "longing". It's something else. IT'S BEING AVAILABLE EMOTIONALLY. I don't know how to explain that. It means being vulnerable, for sure, but I think it means more than that, too. You have to WANT him and you have to ACCEPT him FOR WHO AND WHAT HE IS.
This is the thing, I guess. THE biggest mistake I see young gay men make is WANTING the man they've found to BE "the man of their dreams."
That fantasy man doesn't exist except in your imagination. THE MAN IN FRONT OF YOU ... or the man in your arms ... is a real, live human being. He has his good points and bad, his strengths and weaknesses, his own dreams, his own fears, his own needs, his own insecurities... and you have to love him not only 'despite' all of them but BECAUSE of them. And he you as well.
That's what I mean by "being emotionally available".
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