Hi there

[baristajedi]

I hope you stick around.

Maybe you could just tell us about your journey as a gay woman. When did you know you were gay?
Did you think marriage to a man would work for you? How did your husband respond to the news and the break-up? We have a couple (or more) gay men here in straight relationships (marriages, too) who have come out since marrying and now reconsidering. I can't imagine what it would be like.

You did say to ask, so I did.

Hmmm, I'm an open book, so I hope you don't regret asking…

So - it depends what you mean by "know" I'm gay. I had believed I might be gay from age 10, with my first crush on a girl. But I had some traumatic experiences as a kid and I sort of shut down a lot of my emotions in terms of sexuality and so on. I just went through the motions instead, dated boys and didn't really come to a point where I thought about it deeply until around age 18 (although I'd had crushes on girls, had lots of other things that should have made it all really obvious, but as I said I shut down a lot of those emotions anyway).

By the time I started thinking about it again, I thought I was likely bi, because I'd already dated guys. Dating guys was ok, not horrible, but there was always something missing, off. From there I battled with understanding my sexuality, but I continued dating guys, experimenting with women a bit, and eventually getting married and having a kid. By the time I came out I was starting to feel like I was drowning, and losing myself completely in my life path. I was really unhappy in my life, I hated my marriage, I felt empty, like I couldn't even recognise myself, and I couldn't stop thinking about the need to be with a woman. I started thinking that if I were to continue on as is, I would have to drown my feelings in alcohol to get through each day… that's when I knew I needed to make changes in my life.

I came out about 2 years ago, not as gay, but as strongly questioning my sexuality, but finally acknowledged I'm gay about a year ago, and that's when my ex and I decided to separate. The big hesitation in that year's time was, I knew if I acknowledged I'm gay, that was the end of the marriage. It was a struggle but I knew it was absolutely the right thing.

When I came out as questioning (2 years ago) - my ex was worried/nervous but suddenly became the best husband you could want. Suddenly he was mr. supportive, communicating well, being more affectionate, doing more around the house.

BUT…. When I came out as gay, it was totally different. He lost it. He had all this seething anger. We have had to separate very slowly for a lot of logistical reasons, and this has been one hell of a stressful year. The last 2 years honestly have been, because before that I was constantly thinking about how to come to terms with everything.

Just in the last 3 weeks, my ex-husband and I have been becoming like great friends again. We're becoming a real team for our daughter. And he even jokes about the things that have broken up the marriage. It's a huge shift. I couldn't have imagined this 6 months ago.


I can't imagine not having come out. My life has changed dramatically. Even with all the stress and chaos, I feel like a full person finally. I can finally be myself, I can feel real love, I just feel fuller, life has more meaning. I would never go back to the way it was before. But I'm also over my regrets… I have had a good life. I struggled with my sexuality for a lot of reasons, but it's made me who I am. And I have my daughter.

[Alvin]

Hmmm, I'm an open book, so I hope you don't regret asking…

So - it depends what you mean by "know" I'm gay. I had believed I might be gay from age 10, with my first crush on a girl. But I had some traumatic experiences as a kid and I sort of shut down a lot of my emotions in terms of sexuality and so on. I just went through the motions instead, dated boys and didn't really come to a point where I thought about it deeply until around age 18 (although I'd had crushes on girls, had lots of other things that should have made it all really obvious, but as I said I shut down a lot of those emotions anyway).

By the time I started thinking about it again, I thought I was likely bi, because I'd already dated guys. Dating guys was ok, not horrible, but there was always something missing, off. From there I battled with understanding my sexuality, but I continued dating guys, experimenting with women a bit, and eventually getting married and having a kid. By the time I came out I was starting to feel like I was drowning, and losing myself completely in my life path. I was really unhappy in my life, I hated my marriage, I felt empty, like I couldn't even recognise myself, and I couldn't stop thinking about the need to be with a woman. I started thinking that if I were to continue on as is, I would have to drown my feelings in alcohol to get through each day… that's when I knew I needed to make changes in my life.

I came out about 2 years ago, not as gay, but as strongly questioning my sexuality, but finally acknowledged I'm gay about a year ago, and that's when my ex and I decided to separate. The big hesitation in that year's time was, I knew if I acknowledged I'm gay, that was the end of the marriage. It was a struggle but I knew it was absolutely the right thing.

When I came out as questioning (2 years ago) - my ex was worried/nervous but suddenly became the best husband you could want. Suddenly he was mr. supportive, communicating well, being more affectionate, doing more around the house.

BUT…. When I came out as gay, it was totally different. He lost it. He had all this seething anger. We have had to separate very slowly for a lot of logistical reasons, and this has been one hell of a stressful year. The last 2 years honestly have been, because before that I was constantly thinking about how to come to terms with everything.

Just in the last 3 weeks, my ex-husband and I have been becoming like great friends again. We're becoming a real team for our daughter. And he even jokes about the things that have broken up the marriage. It's a huge shift. I couldn't have imagined this 6 months ago.


I can't imagine not having come out. My life has changed dramatically. Even with all the stress and chaos, I feel like a full person finally. I can finally be myself, I can feel real love, I just feel fuller, life has more meaning. I would never go back to the way it was before. But I'm also over my regrets… I have had a good life. I struggled with my sexuality for a lot of reasons, but it's made me who I am. And I have my daughter.

Hi, baristajedi. Thanks a lot for sharing with us. It seems that you've been through a lot. Glad that you made it through! May I ask, after divorce, whether you want to start a relationship with a woman? Do you mind being called "lesbian" instead of "gay woman"? Do you find these two terms different to you? I know little about gay women expect for a book I read a while ago, in which it focuses on "female masculinity" with a close examination on "tomboy" and "butch". Are these two offenvie to you? What term would you identify yourself with? Or maybe you don't want to be confined by any term?

I have too many questions. I am indeed a Mr. Curiosity.

[baristajedi]

Hi, baristajedi. Thanks a lot for sharing with us. It seems that you've been through a lot. Glad that you made it through! May I ask, after divorce, whether you want to start a relationship with a woman? Do you mind being called "lesbian" instead of "gay woman"? Do you find these two terms different to you? I know little about gay women expect for a book I read a while ago, in which it focuses on "female masculinity" with a close examination on "tomboy" and "butch". Are these two offenvie to you? What term would you identify yourself with? Or maybe you don't want to be confined by any term?

I have too many questions. I am indeed a Mr. Curiosity.

Happy to share. Thanks for listening (reading)!

Yes, I've always known on some level that I want a wife… that's what I've been dreaming of for quite some time. The first time I remember having that thought was around the age of 22, at my stepbrother's wedding. And I tried to open up a conversation with my brother about it… but I wasn't articulating it very well.

I am dating someone right now, who I'm starting to feel quite serious about. She's such an amazing woman, everything I've always wanted in a partner. So… I'll update on that as time passes

I don't mind being called lesbian, I use every term - lesbian, gay, I even say dyke (I reclaim that word , because to me it was the word that hurt the most growing up, I've been called dyke a lot in my life because of the way I dress and cut my hair).

I did have some trouble with the word lesbian for a while, I liked gay better, mostly because I've had some struggle understanding my gender all of my life. I've always been a tomboy, and now look and feel quite butch. Something about the word lesbian didn't feel quite as natural to me as gay, but now I'm happy with any term that roughly means gay woman. And I'm also finally feeling quite at home with my gender. I love being a woman, but I dress in butch clothes, have butch hair, and that's just me.

In terms of labels, honestly, I love labels. I know a lot of people don’t like labels, but I find they help ground me, give me something secure to hold onto. When I started coming out, everything about my life was uncertain, I didn't even have family or friends around. Nothing to anchor me. But having a term to identify myself helped ground me and give me something to anchor myself. Even with nothing left to make me feel stable and secure, I have *me*, my identity, and so it has made me feel stronger to use labels.

What about you? Do you have any preference on terms or labels?

[Dan1980]

Hi welcome to GS

[baristajedi]

Hi, baristajedi. Thanks a lot for sharing with us. It seems that you've been through a lot. Glad that you made it through! May I ask, after divorce, whether you want to start a relationship with a woman? Do you mind being called "lesbian" instead of "gay woman"? Do you find these two terms different to you? I know little about gay women expect for a book I read a while ago, in which it focuses on "female masculinity" with a close examination on "tomboy" and "butch". Are these two offenvie to you? What term would you identify yourself with? Or maybe you don't want to be confined by any term?

I have too many questions. I am indeed a Mr. Curiosity.

Happy to share. Thanks for listening (reading)!

Yes, I've always known on some level that I want a wife… that's what I've been dreaming of for quite some time. The first time I remember having that thought was around the age of 22, at my stepbrother's wedding. And I tried to open up a conversation with my brother about it… but I wasn't articulating it very well.

I am dating someone right now, who I'm starting to feel quite serious about. She's such an amazing woman, everything I've always wanted in a partner. So… I'll update on that as time passes

I don't mind being called lesbian, I use every term - lesbian, gay, I even say dyke (I reclaim that word , because to me it was the word that hurt the most growing up, I've been called dyke a lot in my life because of the way I dress and cut my hair).

I did have some trouble with the word lesbian for a while, I liked gay better, mostly because I've had some struggle understanding my gender all of my life. I've always been a tomboy, and now look and feel quite butch. Something about the word lesbian didn't feel quite as natural to me as gay, but now I'm happy with any term. And I'm also finally feeling quite at home with my gender. I love being a woman, but I dress in butch clothes, have butch hair, and that's just me.

In terms of labels, honestly, I love labels. I know a lot of people don’t like labels, but I find they help ground me, give me something secure to hold onto. When I started coming out, everything about my life was uncertain, I didn't even have family or friends around. Nothing to anchor me. But having a term to identify myself helped ground me and give me something to anchor myself. Even with nothing left to make me feel stable and secure, I have *me*, my identity, and so it has made me feel stronger to use labels.

What about you? Do you have any preference on terms or labels?

[baristajedi]

Hi welcome to GS

Thank you



And [MENTION=24431]Alvin[/MENTION], I tried to post a response to your question but it was moderated.....trying to play word games to get past the moderator thing...

[Alvin]

Hi [MENTION=24452]baristajedi[/MENTION]

I did receive your message via email notification, but it's been moderated here since you're new on this website. (in case of spam I guess).

As [MENTION=23058]IanSaysHi[/MENTION] said, and I quote,

Just so you know, until you reach 50 posts there's a random moderation 'feature' so some of your posts might take ages to appear, or not appear at all. Once you reach 50 posts this will stop. There's a section called word games where you can post loads of rubbish till you get to 50 if you want to.

I will write you back after I get some sleep. It's past midnight now in Shanghai. Again, enjoy your time here!

[Bookworm]

Hello baristajedi, welcome to the forum

There are other female members but none are active anymore sadly; hoping they reappear at some point but new folks join all the time, so you'll have to be the trailblazer for them mile:

[Darius]

Thanks for sharing. A follow-up question please: when you came out as gay to your husband and he responded with anger, were you understanding of that?

[MHJG]

Welcome
Great to see you here.