Wanting the guys we know are bad for us

[meridannight]

To clarify, there is no such thing as 'bad' guys or 'good' guys. Good and bad doesn't exist.

However, guys [MENTION=23329]pman117[/MENTION] described in his post, i.e. falling for guys that don't want you back, treat you bad, etc -- that's what I'm talking about. I don't fall for guys like that, or stay in love with them if I initially liked them and they turned out to treat me like shit.

But I don't believe in the concepts of good and bad, and I am not talking about it in that context at all. I also think it's a very mistaken way to see the world and people. To be clear.

[Neon101]

I think it is a great question and something to really think about. To the OP, i completely understand you, having gone through something similar. I would advice you to get out of the relationship.

These situations are so tricky, that it is easy for all of you to say and spot a bad guy.. but the guy who is 'in' the relationship, cannot. It is so difficult to get out of this whirlpool by yourself and let me tell you, even if you move on, you never forget. He does so much damage your self esteem and sometimes... it is unrepairable.

I have been in a relationship like this for 10 years. Yes .. 10 years of my life.
I can only share my experience and those of you who chose to read, I wish you take something out of it.
I was 18 when i met him. He told me he was 28, I did not feel that 10 years was a big deal only to realise he was +17 years older. He told me after 5 years had gone.
At 18, you think you are smart and can pick good from bad. Reality is, you are not.
18 to 28, I was a puppet which he played with his fingers. This would sound like - 'you should have gotten out of it when you knew'. It is not easy, the mind games, the worthiness, the self esteem, the love, the hate are so entangled with each other, you seemingly cannot differentiate.
10 years I grew up thinking this was normal. That every couple is like that.
He knew better, had more command on communication and convincing skills. He knew what damage he was doing to me.
I can tell you few signs now but I could never spot when i was in the whirlpool struggling to swim.
1. They never apologise or initiate a discussion of confrontation. There are always excuses which make YOU look bad and faulty.
2. YOU are always at fault. No matter what, situation unwraps in a way that they make you feel that i was your fault.
3. There is a lot of love in the initial years. And then.... it is drag. A constant struggle from you. You hold on to that first 2 years, you hold on to the way he was when you were 18. The care and love he gave you, the commitment he had. You spend all the remaining time keeping THIS in mind meanwhile he plays around, f*cks around, lies around, uses you, misuses you..
4. They target your self worth - In a very manipulating, smart, tricky and calculted, methodical way that you cannot decipher this highly planned code. F*CK! As years pass by, your self worth is SO damaged, you dont even know till people notice.
5. You build your life around them, convinced they have to but there mentally free! Yes they are so smart they dont build any mental connections with you. The thing is people can fake emotions too, so physically you feel, nothing is wrong. But mentally they are not building their life with you. They have a plan. Its a strategic plan, to get away with them having sex, with them messing around
6. Many others.

By now I probably feel like a loser to you all. I am 30 years old, a VERY successful man in my career, stable and i would boast that I have done well because i did work super hard and i was committed.
I have many degrees etc etc etc but guess what, all the intelligence and rationale disappears if you are with people of this sort. Your IQ goes so low you are surprised.

I really really insist on younger guys to be careful. 18 - 23 is a tender age. Dont pick guys on superifical values. Be with guys who have a big heart although they might not have six pack abs, be with guys whol push you up, not down, they might not be rich, but they will support your dreams. Muscles, shine, glitter, glamour does nothing!

How did I even come to realize this?
I met a beautiful soul, a cute over weight man who had a big heart, grew up on streets, financially unstable, failed marriage but i saw a spark inside him. A determination to fight.
And today he stands tall, we supported each other. He is more muscled than anyone, more financially stable and has the same big loving heart and even better.
I cant stop smiling when i see him.

All I would say is, sometimes diamonds are hidden with coated coal and because we are so busy with these morons, we dont stop to pick them up.

To the OP - PLEASE move on. It never gets better, it never is going to be the way you want to. People like them dont change... their just adapt to be better liars and better at hiding things and pleasing you momentarily.

[Neon101]

Why are my posts not appearing!
Every post has to be approved by a moderator!!!

[Cridders88]

Why are my posts not appearing!
Every post has to be approved by a moderator!!!

If you read the rules when registering, it clearly states that some of of your posts will be held for moderation until you reach 50 posts. I am not sure how people miss this.

50 posts in the Word Games section is the best way around it. Doesn't take long at all.

[Neon101]

Sorry I missed it.
Was not seeing my threads and posts.

Once you reach 50 posts, do your previous posts and threads you made appear?

[Matt608]

To clarify, there is no such thing as 'bad' guys or 'good' guys. Good and bad doesn't exist.

However, guys [MENTION=23329]pman117[/MENTION] described in his post, i.e. falling for guys that don't want you back, treat you bad, etc -- that's what I'm talking about. I don't fall for guys like that, or stay in love with them if I initially liked them and they turned out to treat me like shit.

But I don't believe in the concepts of good and bad, and I am not talking about it in that context at all. I also think it's a very mistaken way to see the world and people. To be clear.

Old Dave Mason song:
"There ain't no good guy, there ain't no bad guy
There's only you and me and we just disagree"

I agree with what you're saying. And yeah, we may be attracted to these guys because they're charming, sexy, whatever. It happens. But we need to have enough of a sense of self worth to walk away as soon as we see them for what they are. It isn't easy, and I'm speaking from experience here. But I want a good life, I want to be content all of the time and happy some of the time, so I figure the short term pain of dumping them is worth the long term gain.

[Pyromancer]

Lol reminds me of the theme from the Cops TV reality show, "Bad boys, bad boys, whatcha gonna do, whatcha gonna do when they come for you..."

The whole "bad boys" thing has become a True Romance cliche...men and women alike swooning over the dangerous SexHunk Hero.

But all kidding aside, what you're talking about is why some people, men and women, fall for and stay with people who treat then like shit. And IDK...low self esteem? Not enough of a sense of self worth? Fear that if you let this one go, you'll never find another? A secret belief that you don't deserve any better?

The answers to questions like this are within us and, painful as it is, that's where we need to look.

[Darius]

I think it's complicated. It can be as simple as an attraction to a strong male personality or as extreme as someone who feels they deserve nothing better than abuse, that that is all they are worth. There may be much in between.

[Cridders88]

Sorry I missed it.
Was not seeing my threads and posts.

Once you reach 50 posts, do your previous posts and threads you made appear?

In theory they should, but I have been hearing reports of this not happening lately

[princealbertofb]

Why are my posts not appearing!
Every post has to be approved by a moderator!!!

I think your posts will eventually appear, unless they have been judged to be unpublishable by the moderator, of course.
Incidentally, you are also writing from China, it is possible that some of your posts are getting lost in the Chinese part of the Internet....?