I don't understand all this hate / Vent

[cormeum]

I haven't posted anything lately, however many things are going on in my life now. The girl that offered to act as my girlfriend is a good friend to me now. She's a really wonderful person, when I asked her why she wanted to help me to hide the fact that I'm gay, she answered that she just wanted to be there for me so that I wouldn't feel like no one likes me, even though she's straight herself, she loves LGBT people and she understands how hard it is for me to be alone in this homophobic city. We hang out together as friends and only when we're around my friends, we act a little more physical so that they would think we're a couple. And it seems to be working. No one bugs me with questions about being single anymore. Everything seems to be more peaceful now when I have her by my side.

But there is this one guy among my friends and I always have a feeling that he can see right through me. That he can see who I really am. I don't know why but I get this feeling only about him alone. I'm not worried about other guys and girls among my friends, I'm quite sure they believe the show that we're putting on. He seems to believe too, but somehow I feel uneasy about him for some reason. I think I mentioned him in some of my previous posts, we know each other since we were little children, he's literary the biggest homophobe I've ever met. And I'm scared. Whenever it comes to this topic, his comments about what he'd like to do to gay people make my blood go cold. We had this talk the other day, we met for a beer.

He - So how are things going with your girlfriend? Haven't seen you in a while.

Me - Yeah, everything's really good.

He - I'm glad you're happy, dude. For a moment I thought I've lost you.

Me - What do you mean?

He - Well, I thought you were a fag, because you were single all the time. That would end our friendship.

Me - You mean you'd stop being friends with me if I was gay?

He - Surely. There are no fags among my friends, only real men.

That upset me a lot. It wouldn't matter to him that we've known each other from the crib basically. He would just throw it all away just because of my sexuality. So I asked him a direct question - Why do you hate gay people so much?

He - Why should I love them? They're subhuman, dude. Should be all thrown into an oven and burned. Remember Stalin? He shot them dead, one of the things he did right. Let's not talk about that gay shit anymore, makes me nauseous.

I felt all kinds of emotions - anger, fear, sadness. In some way I felt nauseous too - from his judgmental words. He is supposed to be my closest friend and he says such things. I wonder what he'd do if he found out I'm gay. Would he hit me? Would he really beat me up, me, the person he grew up together with? Probably he would. And the thing is that about 90% of Russian guys are just like him. And I don't understand that. What have gay people done to them that they hate them through and through? How can you hate someone just for existing, someone who has done nothing to you? How can you be so cruel towards another human being, someone who has a beating heart just like you, someone who breathes and lives in this world just like you?

Living in this shit is so difficult, you feel like a trapped animal day from day. Now I do have this girl who makes my days better and brings sunshine into my life. I know she's only buying me time but it feels good to know I'm not alone anymore. I can'r rely on my friends, I can at least rely on her.

[seeking]

It's good to hear from you again about your situation. That girl is nice to be there for you and even she can just help you for a moment, it makes sure you are safer now among the people around you.

I'm sorry to know the person you grow up with has this kind of mentality. I understand you might feel loath towards him and if I were you, I bet I would feel the same. But as a person who is not directly involving in this situation, I would say try to not blame them too much because I think it's the problem of the society but not individual themselves. They grew up in that kind of environment, receiving that kind of mindset and ultimately they would be like that.

Seems like ultimately you will have to move to another city for a peaceful life and I hope everything turns out well for you.

[MHJG]

90% of Russian men are like this... if I were you, i would find the way out of Russia.

[Senpaija]

Moving away is probably the only safe way, if you don't want life as it is now. Of course it can risk your friendship with the nice girl, but who knows, maybe she can come with you, if you ever move away.
And since you are gay, it would probably be nice to meet some guys who won't bet you up for being gay.

Telling your guy friend the truth is the last thing you should do, if you think he would bet you up, after all you know him better than any person here.

[Darius]

You definitely are surrounded by hate and now it is in your bosom with your friend. Can or will he change? Does he even mean what he says or is it just a speech he is used to giving.
Some of the biggest haters are gay themselves. They are the most vocal and likely most violent, either because they have to keep up a front or because they hate themselves.
Just remember, haters are never happy people. Don't let them steal what little happiness you have.
I know it's easier said than done, but you really do need to start dreaming about another time and place in your life where you can say good bye to Russia. I'm sure at this point all you have is a dream. Maybe hope will follow.

[drobs]

That dude wouldn't be considered a friend of mine anymore. You just need to stay away from him. You don't need him in your life. It's not like he is family.

I too would recommend you get out of Russia. Can you look into overseas work? A job that takes you out of there altogether.

[InbetweenDreams]

I think it is hard for anyone to move from any country, while moving is sound advice. Are there any areas or towns that are more tolerant that might be safer? I'm going to assume there really isn't one.

One thing that concerns me is that I think your friend suspects that you are gay, or knows that you're gay and just sizing you up, but maybe I'm just more of the paranoid type when it comes to this sort of thing. That being said, keep on playing the game and hope your female friend is trustworthy, not sure about Russian women but here they do like to gossip and something like that I would think would get out.

I don't know about you guys but I hate that the best advice is to leave the country, it is hard to do and it is expensive... Yeah I know it's a matter of doing it, but like as always has to continue.