Relationship Advice?

[kidchameleon]

So... thank you for taking the time to read this - it's much appreciated. I've been having a little bit of a struggle dealing with some stuff, and figured if I could get a few impartial inputs it would help knock some sense into me (one way or another) more than just asking friends and receiving whichever answer they think I want to hear.

Basically my situation is nothing special, but it's been causing me significant stress because of what I can only describe as... inexperience, I guess. Basically my longest relationship to date lasted about 3 months and happened about 5-6 years ago, so everything still feels really new to me and I'm just not as good at this stuff as I probably should be.

Getting back to the point... last year I finally managed to pack up and move from my middle-of-nowhere home town to a relatively bigger city. The move was great for the most part, but as I suffer from mild social anxiety I haven't made a great deal of friends since moving - with most of my time being spent with an acquaintance from my home-town who has since become my best friend.

The problem is that I've been slowly, and steadily, falling for him. This came to a head a month or two ago when he texted me this;
"I don't know if it's me being conceited or immature or anything, and I'm awkward as hell asking. But we're just friends, right? If you had any legitimate romantic feelings toward me it'd be good to know. Sorry to have this conversation, but I won't be entirely comfortable until I've cleared up the ambiguity"
The message really came out of the blue for me, so I kind of freaked out. It reads more as concern than curiosity to me, so my response was to just say "Just friends as far as I know. Sorry if I've been giving awkward vibes".
His response then was "Nah, just making sure I know where we stand, so I know how to interpret you. Having that possibility in the back of my mind makes some things you say feel ambiguous"

We agreed to "talk" about it later, but ended up getting distracted helping his friends do some moving, and the topic was more or less forgotten, and feeling like A) I had been pre-rejected and B) Even if that wasn't the case I had basically shot off my own foot, I more or less put my feelings to one side and decided to just focus on the friendship. After a short while everything felt completely normal again, and we ended up committing to getting a flat together for our next term of college.

The problem is that recently we've been drinking together a lot (by which I mean three times in the past two weeks) and during those times we've gotten a tad closer. The first time we got drunk together ended with us literally holding each other and whispering in each others ears until 6am, and the second time we played an extended game of "20" questions that seemed very much like he was leading it into talking about relationship stuff; asking what my favorite date would be, etc. He also spent a period of time lying with his head on my lap and I nearly died.

Of course, I'm more than aware how meaningless those drunken shenanigans are, but they've managed to cause my old feelings to resurface in a major way. The issue here is that I don't know whether there's any reason to bring my feelings up, considering that while I feel like something is there there's every chance he feels he made his lack of interest plain, and I'm also not sure if it's even fair to bring it up considering we're going to be moving in together - I feel like, especially if he doesn't feel the same way, it would be incredibly selfish to tell him how much I care about him, or even just ask him out, when the result of him just affirming his lack of interest would be an awkward year of living together where our friendship could be ruined...

So, I guess I'd just like someone to bluntly tell me what they think. A part of me feels the risk is worth it and I "owe it to myself to be true to my feelings" because the chance of pursuing a relationship with him is worth the risk, but the other part of me thinks I'm just being an idiot and I need to grow up, move on and not put my friend in the awkward position of having to both reject and live with me, because he is my closest friend and ruining that would just be stupid.

Anyway... yeah. Input would be incredibly appreciated.

[meridannight]

He knows you're gay. If he wants something with you, he knows he can get it.

My advice, just from reading all that -- is, let it be. At least for now. It's nowhere near anything definable. Even at the small chance that he wants something to develop between you, he is just as likely to freak out if anything less ambiguous does develop.

Whatever happens, happens. The two of you living together will have plenty of chances to make whatever underlying emotions surface between you two, if they are there. You'll get a better read on him when you're sharing a flat with him.

And there's a chance that he's just more comfortable with you, now that you've told him you two are just friends. Men need emotional connection with other people and other men, whether they are straight or gay. It strikes me odd how many people don't realize this, or underappreciate its importance.

He's more comfortable with you. That's a good thing. Enjoy it. If something does develop, you'll know it, and you'll have to take it from there. For now, let it be as it is.



That's my opinion.

[princealbertofb]

The thing about drunken states is that it generally reinforces something that's already there, underlying a normal state of consciousness and sometimes consciously repressed. There is a genuine fondness for you there and as [MENTION=21405]meridannight[/MENTION] said, a feeling of comfort between you, so that's something you can build on. Why, though, are you so scared of letting your feelings be felt? Rejection, right?

Well, you are aware that rejection is a possibility, but you shouldn't blame it on yourself for wearing your heart out on your sleeve. I agree with Meridannight that having the opportunity to live together may make you closer, and give you the opportunity for something to develop if it's going to go anywhere. But your friend's questioning of your relationship does seem to show the same sort of shyness and fear of rejection on his part. It looks as if, at some point, one of you is going to have to make a first move, and see where that leads, but you, at least, while things are standing in the status quo or limbo, know that rejection on his part is a possibility.

You might ask him, I guess, whether he's happy with just being friends, or whether he'd like something more out of your relationship than just sharing a flat. The question is, will you dare ask him? Perhaps the notion of a friendship between you is enough to fulfill his need for bonding. If you are falling for him, how long will this be sustainable?

[Darius]

He asked you something that was awkward for both of you. Why don't you return the favor and ask him something equally awkward, something like "what if I had told you I was interested in you? How would you deal with it?"
It doesn't sound like you are in danger of being rejected. At the very least, he is your good buddy.
He cares for you, maybe even feels the same a you. You won't know until you are honest with him.

The other option is next time you are cuddling each other, slide your hands down his pants. If his cock is rock hard, he's yours. LOL

[drobs]

Maybe I missed it when I read your post... I take it he's not gay or has said he's not gay?
The cuddling thing rings my gadar. Strangely enough I've experienced that with what I thought were straight guys - I probably missed the cues though.

I had Croation co-worker in Iraq (married to a woman w/kids) that would frequently cozy up to me on van rides - knees and legs touching when there was plenty of room and no need to get that close. Maybe that's a European thing?

I never pursued it / him. We shared a bathroom were, neighbors in the CHU's, on base in Iraq. I rarely saw him outside of work. He would be skyping his wife for hours and hours in the evenings.

I've posted it here before but I have a decent gay friend who I found attractive but quickly made it clear he had no interest in me other than friendship after our 1st date. We're on again off again friends now. He lives in another state and other than facebook we really don't have much contact. We used to meet for drinks frequently + would sober up at a bath house in Chicago after a night drinking.

Sometimes it's nice to just have attractive gay friends.

[kidchameleon]

Oh shoot, yeah, I should establish the fact that we're both gay - this isn't one of those "I think maybe my straight friend likes me" kinda stories XD

A part of me does kind of want to pull the same shit he did and just ask out of the blue, because things have definitely changed since that conversation happened - but at the same time he's kind of awkward like me so there's every chance that he'd have the same reaction I did and just roll up in a ball over it.

[Zen]

Oh shoot, yeah, I should establish the fact that we're both gay - this isn't one of those "I think maybe my straight friend likes me" kinda stories XD

A part of me does kind of want to pull the same shit he did and just ask out of the blue, because things have definitely changed since that conversation happened - but at the same time he's kind of awkward like me so there's every chance that he'd have the same reaction I did and just roll up in a ball over it.

Ah, that changes the dimension if you're both gay!! Maybe he is ultra shy?

[kidchameleon]

Ah, that changes the dimension if you're both gay!! Maybe he is ultra shy?

We're both pretty shy to be honest - I think that's half the problem, because I know the odds are good that he'd be too shy to just say he liked me if he did, and I'm not exactly super stoked about the concept of having to say it myself XD But then, because he's like that I'm also more worried about scaring him off - if it was anyone else I'd be pretty okay just blurting it out, seeing how they feel and then moving on, but with him I feel like if I've mis-judged the situation he's gonna be incredibly freaked out and revert to full shyness with me again.

[Zen]

We're both pretty shy to be honest - I think that's half the problem, because I know the odds are good that he'd be too shy to just say he liked me if he did, and I'm not exactly super stoked about the concept of having to say it myself XD But then, because he's like that I'm also more worried about scaring him off - if it was anyone else I'd be pretty okay just blurting it out, seeing how they feel and then moving on, but with him I feel like if I've mis-judged the situation he's gonna be incredibly freaked out and revert to full shyness with me again.

Oh mate! That's a real shame, sounds like things could be good if you were able to talk about how you both feel. I know alcohol isn't always a good thing but it sounds like he is able to relax and enjoy being around you when he's had a few drinks. I dunno, might be interesting to chat with him when he's being affectionate. Good luck mate, hope things work out :-)

[LJay]

Well, being a bit tipsy and having a cuddle buddy is a pleasure certainly to be desired. You might make it a point to simply say, when you are sober, that you enjoy hanging out and having a few beers or whatever it is that Scots drink to pass an evening.

At the same time, I wonder if you are not too reticent to say to your friend that you are curious if he would go for a more direct relationship. I think Darius' idea of asking what he would think if you were interested in him is OK. What you need to do is to ask that question when there is no pressure to reply in either way.

Part of becoming really close friends is learning to be clear with each other that you are seeking information when you ask about things and not trying to put pressure on each other. It isn't easy to get to that stage, but it is well worth it. Try working with that idea and seeing what you come up with.