Personal Prison....how to best cope?

[LostInMississip]

Hello,

Let me start by saying I am going on 51 yrs old, and I guess I have known that I am gay or at the least Bi for prob 30 yrs or so. But I hid from that fact for so long. Yes I have had short relationships with men over the years. But I have lived as a straight man for all my life, trying to find personal happiness in the wrong places. I am married and have been for 20 yrs. I do love my wife, but not in love with her. If you all can understand what I mean. I have separated from her in the past, but due to having kids, friends, parents, and a sibling etc. never had the guts to be who I am. After all my wife has been through with me, like nursing me back from almost dying from cancer, and other issues, I can not just stab her in the back and hurt her in such a way.
I know that with my age, and health issues I will prob never truly be happy with who I am. I always hope and pray for the special man to come along that would understand my life and situation. But I know with where I live That will never happen. as I live in south Mississippi, in a mostly rural county, outside a very small town with no gay friendly places. So I have resigned myself to the fact that I have a life sentence in a prison that I made.
My biggest issue is dealing with the daily depression that I can not even talk about or share with anyone that would not judge etc. I find that I don't sleep for days, then when I do sleep it is for 18 hrs and when I wake. I find no reason to get out of bed, for it will be just another day of torture in my mind. Just looking for some advice for dealing with the issue. I don't want to end my life, so don't misunderstand. but sometimes I know that is the only way I will ever be at peace. So how do I spend the rest of my years dealing with the fact of knowing what I am but never being able to live the life that is in my heart?

[kindy64]

You ain't dead yet, nor do you have to confine yourself to a personal prison. I only came out as bisexual in 2014. I found out, despite my self-loathing, and decades of denial, that I'm wanted and desired by men.

Seek treatment for your depression, that will keep you stuck in a rut, whether you come out or not.

Read up about other people's backstories, your struggle isn't unusual.

This is a relatively safe place to share so feel free to share.

[Pyromancer]

I'd like to suggest that you also look at a forum called Empty Closets --- they have a section called LGBT Later In Life...and you'll find many people there who are in your situation.

I won't say I understand how you feel because I'm not in your situation...but, because I have a child that I'm raising on my own, I DO understand that sometimes you can't just put your own needs first...you can' throw over your life and say, screw everyone, I gotta be me.

My suggestion would be that you first try to establish online connections...here, perhaps on the other forum I mentioned. Join in...enter the discussions...talk about your own issues and try to help the rest of us with ours. You can feel free to PM (private message) people on this site...it's safe, this isn't a hookup site, people are receptive and respectful.

I know it doesn't sound like much, but it's a start. If you can be who you are, even just online with a few people, it will make a difference...and I speak from experience there.

Also, in terms of the site...until you reach 50 posts, some of your posts can be held for moderation...it can be annoying, so what we advise is to go to the Word Games section and accumulate some posts there.

You're very welcome here, and I really hope to hear much more from you.

[LJay]

You don't say how you handle this with your wife. If she is aware of your sexuality, ytou might discuss open marriage or simply having platonic freindships with men. Working with her on this issue may give you enormous confidence.

It is also important that you think with a forward outlook. Let the past be just that. Attitudes and actions are different now than they were 30-50 years ago. Try to get used to a new world. Many people are more tolerant of others simply being gay. You will find yourself hearing that tolerance if you keep your ears open.

And Pyromancer is very, very right. This is a great site for asking for help and for helping others. We tend to be friendly and to care, so pull up a chari and take your shoes off. Make yourself at home.

[Matt608]

I agree with the others. You have to start somewhere, and starting out onlinemay be your best option right now. Explore gay sites, forums, blogs - talk to people. Creating an online identity, envisioning yourself as who you really are, is a good first step.

I assume that you haven't confided this to your wife? I can only imagine how daunting that would be. You'd have to assess whether it would make things better or worse.

I wish I could be more help, all I can really say is try to make some gay friends online, people you can talk to comfortably. You have to take that first small step.