princealbertofb Wrote:I'm not sure I would go as far as to say that there is no respect when the closeted person won't tell people that you're anything other than a friend, but it does make things a bit more difficult. I know that I've introduced my partner as my 'friend' because it can sometimes be awkward when you're speaking in another language. The words you would use in English don't apply in the same capacity, and it depends who you are telling and how much the person needs to know. It's not a question of lack of respect, on the contrary, to me it's making things safe for both involved.
Yeah after reading your view, I agree that it's not about lack of respect but preference and compatibility. If both of them are fine with keeping it in the closet, it would be great. I just prefer telling my family and friends that he is someone important to me as a boyfriend. However, a relationship is mostly about you and your partner. The true respect is to reach a compromise.
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I've never "dated" a closeted guy, but I have screwed a good number of them, and honestly? Just banging them is a mess of cloak and dagger type crap. I can't imagine dating them would be anything but more of the same. Being out myself, and out my entire life, I don't have the tolerance to put up with all that sneaking around and deception.
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There was a time I would have said it was okay to date a closeted guy as long he didn't plan to remain there forever. But now, I can't even see how that would work. People can develop feelings pretty early on and waiting for someone to admit to family and friends what kind of relationship you actually have is likely to only end badly. Someone will get hurt and it's probably going to be the person who is not hiding in the closet.
Another thing, once a person is self supporting and independent, there is no longer a reason to live a life just to please someone else.
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TwisttheLeaf Wrote:I've never "dated" a closeted guy, but I have screwed a good number of them, and honestly? Just banging them is a mess of cloak and dagger type crap. I can't imagine dating them would be anything but more of the same. Being out myself, and out my entire life, I don't have the tolerance to put up with all that sneaking around and deception.
As usual, [MENTION=20738]TwisttheLeaf[/MENTION] has cut right to the bottom line here. I hate drama. Ever since I was a little kid, my mom's been telling me I'm a lousy liar because I can't keep track of the lie I made up. I said in my post that I couldn't even handle an FWB situation with a closeted man.
I just want to keep things simple.
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TwisttheLeaf Wrote:I've never "dated" a closeted guy, but I have screwed a good number of them, and honestly? Just banging them is a mess of cloak and dagger type crap. I can't imagine dating them would be anything but more of the same. Being out myself, and out my entire life, I don't have the tolerance to put up with all that sneaking around and deception.
I'm reading this and laughing because...well, as you know, I have a kid. 18 months old, and she doesn't miss a trick. Can you imagine? If I had a guy who's a BF at home but a platonic friend everywhere else? OMFG! Can you imagine the multitude of ways this child would out us? Because I sure as Hell can.
But, on a more serious note, what would I be teaching her? To sneak around, hide and lie? Would she grow up ashamed of me because I was ashamed of myself? "...sneaking and deception..." *Sigh*. Simply not an option.
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No, I would never date a guy in the closet.
I understand that everyone has different circumstances, and some people need to be in the closet. Hell, we all start out in the closet at one time.
However, when I'm in a relationship, I want it to be with someone who will yell it from the rooftops in daylight, not only hold me in the shadows.
I am not anyone's "dirty little secret" and I won't be treated that way, or expected to behave that way.
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Matt608 Wrote:I said in my post that I couldn't even handle an FWB situation with a closeted man.
I just want to keep things simple.
A reason you can't be FWB with a closeted man is that you can't rely on him for anything, so it's really no friendship at all. Let's say you need a simple favor from him. He has to evaluate whether doing a simple favor for you is going to out him or not, because he's afraid to be associated with you, an out gay man. You don't need that crap.
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I think we are taking this question from the point of view of people who CAN be out, and who CAN admit being gay in whatever societies they are living in.
I think the problem would be completely different in a society in which the only reasonable choice would be to be discreet and 'in the closet'. I'm thinking of people like [MENTION=24256]RomanticMan[/MENTION] here, who can't see how a life out of the closet is possible, even if he thinks his parents might be ok with the idea that he's gay, he certainly thinks it's got to be hidden from the rest of the world. It's a crying shame, I know, and it's a great infringement on anyone's personal freedom to love but it's there, unfortunately, bigotry and religious antagonism, and heavy societal pressure to conform to what society believes is the 'right' thing, ie the hetero thing.
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CellarDweller Wrote:No, I would never date a guy in the closet.
I understand that everyone has different circumstances, and some people need to be in the closet. Hell, we all start out in the closet at one time.
However, when I'm in a relationship, I want it to be with someone who will yell it from the rooftops in daylight, not only hold me in the shadows.
I am not anyone's "dirty little secret" and I won't be treated that way, or expected to behave that way.
I'd add that 'in the closet' is the default position in many cases. I don't think we hear of many parents thinking that their kids will grow up with the possible options of being gay, or being transgendered, etc. It's getting better, and there is more awareness... and then there's also long lasting prejudice and shame that keep people seriously in there.
Once upon a time the 'in the closet' position was that of the lover afraid to be found out, or the mistress, especially when the spouse came home earlier than expected. It's the stuff of vaudeville.
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Dating a guy in the closet could work if you are in the closet too. Even that seems like a lot of work.
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