I've been out as bi to my best friend for approximately 5 months now. 2 weeks ago, I mustered up the courage and told him I liked him. He told me that he has thought about being with me in the past (he is kinda bi too) but decided that it's not what he wants. Here is where it gets confusing and annoying. My friend has had this giant crush on this girl for like 8 months (they dated for like 2 weeks last year), but she was in a relationship with someone else. Around the same time I told my friend I liked him, the girl broke up with her boyfriend. Ever since she broke up with him, and even before that, she started hanging out with my best friend, and because of that, me too. I've been pretty good friends with this girl for a long time so it wasn't really weird. But every time they hung out together, even when I was around they always gravitated towards eachother and were practically inseparable unless you physically went between them, which I did plenty of times. Seeing them together like this, even though they aren't dating, and won't bevause my best friend is going off to college next year and the girl isn't yet, makes me feel extremely jealous. I just can't handle seeing my best friend, who knows I like him, flirt with other people right in front of me. I've told him this, but I don't want to take away from his own happiness by being controlling and restricting him from doing what he wants. In short, I am in love with my best friend who happens to be in love with someone else who I am good friends with. I don't want to end any of my relationships with them because I thiuroughly enjoy the company of both of them but I hate that I feel so miserable when I am around both of them. Is there anything I can/should do to fix my dilemma?
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You're going to destroy your friendship if you can't get your possessiveness under control. He told you he's not interested, so you need to let the idea of being with him in that way go and focus on your -friendship-. Acting like a jilted lover will destroy the friendship that you cherish.
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When I was young,,, I fell in love with 3 best friends over the course of 5 years. After the last one, I realized what I was doing wrong and started hanging out with gay guys who I actually had a chance of having a relationship with.
I discovered that it is unwise to befriend a straight guy who you are attracted to. It will only lead to disappointment and heartbreak.
Your feelings for your best friend will fade over time. Right now,,, you need to start finding new friends to hang out with,,, preferably friends who are gay/bi.......
Sincerely,
Jim
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Annoyingly confusing relationship
What's the confusion here?
He made it clear what he wants, you made it clear what you wanted out of you and his relationship. he want's your friendship, companionship and other things based in the friend/brother realm.
The annoying part here is that YOU want to get between them because YOU can't accept his friendship (only) relationship with you. YOU annoy them by physically getting between them, and I can assure you THEY do notice and most likely are extending you chance after chance to be part of the team.
YOU need to get over him, and the less painful and fastest way to do this is for you to take a break from this friendship and go make new friends and let them have THEIR time together, which you pointed out will not be long because he is going to college and she isn't. BTW few young folk relationships that go through a separation like that rarely stand a chance.
And... he most likely will find someone new at college.... Which means if you and he were a couple and he went and you didn't the parting of the ways is a high probable future.
Your choices are:
1. Continue to torture yourself and end up being "that dude".
2. Stop torturing yourself and go to a BDSM Club and find someone to torture you.... or find a new set of people to hang with and give yourself time and space to "get over" him.
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TwisttheLeaf Wrote:You're going to destroy your friendship if you can't get your possessiveness under control. He told you he's not interested, so you need to let the idea of being with him in that way go and focus on your -friendship-. Acting like a jilted lover will destroy the friendship that you cherish.
The problem with this is that since my best friend is very flirty all the time with basically everytone it makes it difficult to just focus on the friendship. Even before I came out to him or told him I liked him, we would cuddle together and watch Netflix, or sleep close to eachother in the same bed. Focusing just on friendship would mean continuing to do all of these things, which I enjoy doing, from a friend standpoint, but it tricks my mind into thinking otherwise. I definelty don't want to end my friendship because we have became so close and such good friends but I also don't want to keep fueling my feelings toward him that I know will not be reciprocated.
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Dinago81 Wrote:.... Seeing them together like this, even though they aren't dating, and won't bevause my best friend is going off to college next year and the girl isn't yet, makes me feel extremely jealous. .....
Obviously, the three of you need to fuck your brains out. Together. And the sooner the better.
Am I joking? Well, kinda sorta and then again not. When I was your age? My first "BF" (this was 50 years ago and back in those days we didn't exactly think in 'BF' terms) was bi and had a girl friend. We ended up in a menage et trois. They ended up getting married. STILL ARE as a matter of fact. And, yes, we're still friends after all these years.
By the way, just to be clear "jealousy" means the fear of losing something you have. "Envy" means wanting, desiring or longing for something you do NOT have. In this case, IDK WTF you are... its too complicated for my puny brain to tickle out. But w/e.... you and your friends need to just get royally ripped, naked, and debauched. Get it ALL out of your collective systems and then let the dust settle where ever it does.
Just think, in 50 years you'll look back on all this contrived drama and have a great laugh!!
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Dinago81 Wrote:The problem with this is that since my best friend is very flirty all the time with basically everytone it makes it difficult to just focus on the friendship. Even before I came out to him or told him I liked him, we would cuddle together and watch Netflix, or sleep close to eachother in the same bed. Focusing just on friendship would mean continuing to do all of these things, which I enjoy doing, from a friend standpoint, but it tricks my mind into thinking otherwise. I definelty don't want to end my friendship because we have became so close and such good friends but I also don't want to keep fueling my feelings toward him that I know will not be reciprocated.
You need to explain this to HIM no us. We can't change his POV and understanding.
I've had cuddly biddy friendships and when things got awkward for me I told them I cannot continue that sort of touchy feely relationship if their isn't going to be a lovers relationship. Bradly is my biggest regret  .
Yeah that sucks for you, I get it, but there is no magic wand here. You need to redefine what "friends" means and tell him, "Hey, I think a friendship includes, X, Y, Z and excludes cuddling together whilst watching the Netflix..." and whatever else annoys and bothers you.
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Dinago81 Wrote:The problem with this is that since my best friend is very flirty all the time with basically everytone it makes it difficult to just focus on the friendship.
It is his prerogative to flirt with whoever he wants to flirt with. You have no claim on him.
That said, if he's flirting with YOU in a way that is causing you to have difficulty not "blurring the lines" between friendship and "more" than friends.... it's time to step up and set some boundaries that will help you in keeping that line firmly in place.
I'd suggest figuring out specifically which behaviors cause those lines to blur for you, maybe make a concise list yeah? Then speak to him about those things and how they effect you. Making it clear that you greatly value your friendship, but to keep everything from being confusing for you, a few things have to change.
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