Cheating boyfriend - just venting if someone's willing to listen

[FlyFlyHighUp]

I don’t really know why I’m writing all this. I guess it's not a very good idea to make your first thread about something bad but I just need to tell it someone, to vent and get it off my chest. These are all recent events, everything is still very fresh and I might be a little emotional. 

My boyfriend and I were together for 12 years until recently, when I found out he’s been cheating on me for quite a long time. And I found out about it in the most ironic way possible – his lover paid me a visit to talk to me about letting my boyfriend go. Actually, this whole thing is quite complicated because I wasn’t the only person my boyfriend lied to, but I’ll get to that eventually.

When this guy appeared on my doorstep, I didn’t understand anything. I had never seen him before but he knew who I was though, he was calling me by my first name and he was kinda surprised I knew nothing about him and that my boyfriend hadn’t told me anything about him. He then told me that he and my boyfriend, they’re dating for HALF A YEAR and he has come to talk to me man to man about this situation we’re in.

I was furious at first, I couldn't believe it, I was yelling at this guy to get out of my house and he admitted that dating a guy who’s in relationship with someone else wasn’t the best thing to do but he told me to face the reality once and for all and that he knows all about our relationship, proceeding to tell me things I heard the first time in my life. 

He told me that my boyfriend and I, we don’t talk to each other for 2 years, don’t sleep with each other for even longer and that I’m very sick and my boyfriend must take care of me and that’s why he cannot break up with me and go live with him. My boyfriend told him all those things about me, things that are completely false – I’m not sick, we talked to each other and slept with each other every single day. We had a normal, loving ( or so I thought ) relationship. So basically my boyfriend was lying to his lover as well about the situation he had with me. He was lying to both of us.

Hearing all this was just heartbreaking to me. I was such an idiot that I trusted my boyfriend completely and here is his lover in front of me. It was devastating to see how good he knows our house. While talking to him, I accidentally spilled some water on the floor and he simply got up and went to grab a towel. He knew where every single thing was in this house which means that he has been here a lot. 

While I was at work (my absence was explained to the lover as me being in the hospital), thinking that my boyfriend is waiting for me, he was spending time in our bed with his lover. And this guy was so determined, he was begging me to let my boyfriend go because he loves him so much and he’s tired of living this way, he wants him for himself only. And in a way, I could understand him. In his place, I also wouldn’t want to share a man with someone else.

Later I confronted my boyfriend who first denied everything but when he realized his lover actually came to see me, he finally confessed. His explanation was that one person cannot possess all the qualities necessary for a successful relationship and that he needs both of us in his life in order to feel happy and content. When he spends some time with me, he misses his lover and when he spends some time with his lover, he misses me. He said he loves me but me alone is not enough for him. That’s the bullshit he needs. 

He wanted me to agree to have an open relationship, I was like – what do you mean? First, I don’t do open relationships to begin with, second, your lover apparently doesn't either, he wants you for himself only and, third, I don’t want you at all anymore after what you’ve done.

We were living in his apartment, so I packed my stuff and left. He keeps calling me but this thing is over. He hurt me a lot and it’s painful to realize that 10 years spent in a relationship are down the drain now and meant nothing to him. I trusted him, all these years I thought he’s an honest, loyal man who respects me. 

I feel like such a total idiot. How could I be so stupid and not realize he had a lover? He was cheating on me for half a year, not one day, not one week, not one month – half a year – and I had no idea. He came home to me every evening, we slept in the same bed every night. No suspicion, none. 

If there was a problem, if there was something he wasn’t satisfied with, why not come to me and talk about it? That’s what couples do, they communicate. Why lie, why cheat? I don’t understand it. And no, I wouldn't have agreed to any kind of group activities but if it was that important to him and he wanted to break up over it, at least it would have happened without lies. 


Anyway, I don’t know what’s going to happen between him and that guy and I honestly don’t care. The dude wanted me to let him go, well, I have now. There is no way back to me for him, so he can do whatever he wants now. 


I’ll need some time to heal myself, I'm in a very dark place now. When you're together with someone for that long, you grow with that person and your lives become entwined with one another. And then, when you suddenly don't see him anymore and don't talk to him, it feels as if a chunk of me has been ripped out. I have never been hurt like this ever. 

[CellarDweller]

I'm sorry that you had to find out about your boyfriend this way, and I'm sorry that he's hurt and betrayed you so.

It is going to take you a lot of time to get past this. Please be patient and gentle with yourself, and always remember that this isn't your fault. He decided to take a lover without telling you, and he was the one who acted out and kept secrets. This is on him.

Yes, you need time to heal, and you will find the light at the end of the dark tunnel. Always keep what you want in mind, especially when he calls you. He knows what he wants, he wants to have an open relationship with many lovers. If this doesn't fit what you want, do not reunite with him.

[InbetweenDreams]

Well first off @"FlyFlyHighUp" I don't think you're stupid or an idiot for not knowing your partner hid this from you. People are not only capable of being complete pigs but they can also be quite discrete and able to hide secrets for quite a long time.

I'm kind of speechless that his lover actually showed up at your doorstep with the intent to tell you to let him go.

I can't imagine being with someone that long but it certainly does feel weird. Like @CellarDweller said, this is not your fault. There is nothing wrong with you nor did you do anything wrong to be betrayed in this way. It will take time to heal, it will take time to feel normal and it will take time to be able to trust someone again.

I'm not sure how I would react to something like this. I mean it's not unheard of to hear about someone cheating, but 12 years you have invested into building a life with someone is a lot. So I don't know what to say, but by all means if venting about it here helps by all means. I certainly have vented on many occasions on here. Do what ever feels right, if you feel that it will help you. I wish there was something I could say that could serve as advice or something inspirational, but I also feel like that might not really be helpful. What I will say there are good guys out there that done lie, cheat and deceive.

[Cridders88]

Firstly, I am so sorry @"FlyFlyHighUp" that your boyfriend of 12 years treated you this way. I don't get cheating, but I guess the reason for it in most instances is cowardice. Not having the guts to end a monogamous relationship. In this instance, it is clear your boyfriend's wants or needs changed, and he wanted an open relationship. However, what he most certainly should have done is be frank with you and discuss this with you, and not go behind your back. It is very ballsy of him to ask you for an open relationship when he hasn't been at all open with you in the last 6 months. Again, I am sorry you have been treated this way.

Take your time. I can't imagine just how hard this is. Don't feel like you shouldn't be posting this, you are clearly hurt, and if venting makes you feel at least a little better, vent away. It is not healthy bottling things up.

You are not the idiot. He is. You will probably find yourself questioning why he did what he did a lot, but what this was is his needs changing and him not communicating this with you.

Hopefully you feel inclined to stick around, it's a good community here and hopefully you will find it a good place to either talk about things or just chat and take your mind off it

[Genersis]

You're not wrong to feel the way you feel, you're not wrong to break up with him, and whatever you chose to do next is your choice.
Don't let yourself be manipulated, and don't regret or let guilt blame yourself.

I think it important to note he probably will try to force an open relationship on his lover too.
He's using people to suit himself, maybe he will learn not to one day, but that his manipulativeness is a pattern instead of a one off. It's a lot harder to forgive/look past that.

Look after yourself. Take things easy(as best you can), you need to recover.

Personally, I'd say it's time for tubs of ice cream, Netflix binges etc! Spoil yourself!

[LJay]

Lots of good advice above. You definitely need time and you need to take care of yourself. Make having a good place to stay and enjoying yourself as you wish a priority. Remind yourself every day that none of this is your doing.

And do stick around GaySpeak. There are lots of good guys here and we may be able to provide a little distraction while you are settling down. Welcome.

[Pyromancer]

Your post made me feel sad because I could have written it myself a few years back.  The circumstances were a little different, I got a call from my daughter's daycare that she was feeling sick.  I left work, picked her up and took her home...3 hours early...and found my husband getting a BJ from a guy who thought they were "going steady".  It turned out that he was cheating on me with him, and cheating on him with a bunch of random hookups.

We'd been together for a long time and I trusted him implicitly.  People asked me, How could you not have known?  Well, it never even occurred to me that this might happen.  This was Kevin, my rock, love of my life.  I did what you've done, I left him, though being married and having a kid complicated it in all kinds of ways.

I just want to say, you're not alone.  I have a good idea how you must be feeling.  Just remember, this is in no way your fault, you bear no blame.  People told me I was too trusting.  But if you can't trust your life partner, than what's the point.  I've struggled very hard with being able to trust again, and I've concluded that if I ever get that close to someone again, I would rather end up getting hurt again than living with constant suspicion and lack of trust.

For now, take care of yourself.  Give yourself time and space to grieve the death of the relationship.  

I'm so sorry that this happened to you...and I know this sounds like a huge cliche, but from my own experience, things DO get better.

[seeking]

I am really sorry for you. I cannot imagine the pain to find out getting cheated by a decade-long partner.

Like everyone says, you didn't do anything wrong here. And it is not stupid to trust your partner because that is exactly what a loving partner should do. If we always suspect our partner, Then it is a problem.

You are very right on the point that he should have talked to you about how he feels lacking in the relationship. That's what a good partner should do. He needed to respect you and talk to you about it no matter your reaction or opinion. But he didn't choose to do that and he chose to hide. That is all his wrong doing.

Take your time to rest and focus on yourself. I wish you all the best.