7 year relationship comes to an end

[CodyH]

i was in a 7 year relationship with someone. We were each other's first. We had a lot of ups and downs but we stuck to each other. But after 7 years, I grew while he got complacent. I have been waiting for him to grow up years ago and kept thinking that things will be ok. I kept waiting and hoping that our love would grow instead of slowly dying. It all came to a crashing end a few nights ago after talking with him. He admitting he won't change despite me giving him chances and time. I am heartbroken but I was kind of expecting it. We both have some growth to do but in different ways. Everything reminds me of him. Everywhere I go in my city I get memories of us being together. We did everything together. It is hard. I tend to think a lot and I had agonized over every scenario that I could think of, thought of all the different things we could do and compromise on, thought about his perspective (I am an empath) and how it would affect him and sadly there was no other real option. I pondered for years and did everything in my power to fix us. But what else can I do if he refuses to try and fight for us. I gave up 7 years of my life for this guy. It was happy, it was sad, and I wouldn't trade it for anything else. I just wished that it didn't have to hurt so bad. But I needed to do it for both of us. We are in two different places in life. How do you guys cope with a hard break up? How do you go about going through your things when most of it was things you got together? Do you throw it away? He was the artistic one between us and if I end up throwing away anything he put together, my apartment would practically be empty. Many thanks for your advice.

[eastofeden]

I am sorry that happened. I had one relationship in particular that was hard to leave and I was devastated but never let it show - he wanted to get back together but I found a part of me that said NO! - I think it was my soul talking to me because I thought in my mind I wanted what I lost BUT - I am so grateful that happened because it opened the door for me to meet my husband - we have been together for 34 years this September. 

The point of my story and what I learned - had I not broken up with him I would have never had the experience of meeting the true love of my life. My advice - let yourself feel whatever you feel and remember - when one door closes - another will open. 

One thing that I did that I can look back and feel a bit wiser than I knew at the time - I was a bartender in a gay nightclub in the 70s-80s-90s and I kinda knew everyone and vice versa - did it for 20 years - so they were all in on it without me saying anything so what I did was I didn't say anything bad at all or explain anything so I didn't have to talk about it and I thought it was self respecting not to trash him at all. Alot of people came up to me to tell me who he was dating and I felt sick and jealous but I talked myself out of it and did it rather quick after awhile. I saw him with other men and after the feelings of love lost and emotional turmoil - I finally got use to it was even was happy that they kept him busy so he didn't bug me anymore.

Looking back though - my ex did me a HUGE favor. I am intensely loyal so I would have not cheated on him so I needed to be free in order to met my eventual husband. 

I don't know if that will help or not - I do wish you well

[InbetweenDreams]

If there's anything I can say is that it is almost impossible to try to change people. Whether it is something simple as putting your clothes in the basket or not blowing money on stupid shit. It is really up to them, you can say hey, you shouldn't gamble, drink or whatever it is, if they're going to do it they'll do it, but when they don't change they probably won't.

[CellarDweller]

Cody, I'm sorry to hear about what happened, but from what you posted, it sounds like the right decision.  He was comfortable where he was at, and you weren't.

That being said, you asked some questions about when you'll start to feel better, and what you should do.

1. Each relationship is different, so there is no timeline of when you will feel better and completely over him.  Putting an 'end date' on it would be counter-productive because if you don't feel better by that time, then you'll feel like you're a failure for not moving on, and that the feelings will last forever.
   
2. It may seem spiteful, but remove him from your social media.  You don't want to be tempted to check his Facebook, Instagram, Twitter, or whatever else he has.  You're not blocking him to be spiteful or mean, you're protecting you.
   
3. Redecorate your home.  I'm not saying that you should destroy everything he gave you, but you shouldn't be looking at it every day.  Put it in a box, keep it in a closet, maybe look at it when you need to, but don't have it out on display while you are healing.  How would you want to decorate your place so that it reflects  who you are?  Frame and hang some photos, some vinyl album covers, get some prints or posters?
   
4. It's time to do you.  Have you been putting off doing or trying something because you were in a relationship?  Do it now.  Change your hair or wardrobe, learn a new language, join a gym, take up a new hobby.  I know some people who would say "get a tattoo", but I don't recommend doing something permanent while you're feeling so out-of-sorts.
   
5. Surround yourself with friends.  Friends you know outside of your ex, not mutual friends you shared.
   
6. If necessary, seek treatment.  I had a bad break-up years ago, and I spent a few months in therapy, it was a God send for me.
   

Regarding item #3,  I was in a relationship (no where near as long as yours) and we both seemed to be on the same page.  It was during a time I was traveling and meeting online friends from a movie forum.  My then boyfriend at the time gave me a set of custom ceramics that displayed quotes from our favorite move.  He also gave me a teddy bear with a sweatshirt that was embroidered with his nickname for me.  We were not together long, but he fell quickly and had mentioned getting matching rings.  I was swept off my feet.

A few months later, he gave me the 'we need to talk' speech, and it was over.  I boxed up those gifts, because I couldn't look at them daily.  I still considered them as part of my life and travels at that time, so I kept them tucked away, and when it felt right, I put them back on the shelf where they had originally been.  It took some time, but things became better.

Yes, you're going to have reminders, sometimes very unexpected.   The ex I  was talking about above was from Oklahoma.  He broke it off in October.  The next month, my family had friends over for Thanksgiving, and one of the people showed up wearing a shirt that said "Oklahoma" on it in big letters, and of course, sat directly across from me, so the whole meal, each time I looked up, I had his state name staring me in the face.

Be patient and gentle with yourself.  It will get better.