Words can kill

[soulfulriver]

Hello Members,

Just wanted to share my life experiences with you all.

"Words can kill" is an understatement.

From young till now, I have been hurled with hurtful remarks and comments by others.

I am very soft by nature and sometimes my actions and mannerisms can be slightly feminine. And I have been insulted so many times due to this.

- A female classmate passed a remark at me during 5th grade in school, "God probably made a mistake by making you born as a boy instead of as a girl".

- A group of guys said once to me during 6th grade, "If we pull your pants down, you probably won't have a dic*".

- There was a gift exchange event in class once. We were to exchange gifts with one of our classmates. Nobody ever exchanged gifts with me. The gift I had brought was given as an extra gift to one of the classmates. What hurts me is that the teacher did not even intervene to help me out and was just watching the show.

- During 9th grade in school, there was a topic of marriage discussed in class. Everyone shared on what they desired in their future spouse. When it was my turn to speak, someone shouted "He is going to marry a guy." and the whole class started laughing.

- I was also called a local slur for effeminate men in front of everyone in my class. It was really humiliating.

- My relative scolded me once during a gathering for not taking any action to make myself more masculine.

- I always chose to play floorball instead of soccer during physical education class (there were only 2 choices). I was called a sissy for choosing floorball.

- I met a group of new friends in college. I was having lunch with them and I heard some of them whispering among themselves. "Why is he eating like a girl?". I guess I was holding my fork and spoon in a feminine manner.

- My ex-supervisor in my previous job ever asked me once " Are you a half-man or full man?" and giggled insensitively.


The fact that I remember all these bitter incidents even in my 30s now shows how much those incidents have affected me.

I did not ask to be born to be effeminate. This is something which is beyond my control. 

These incidents have affected me to the extent that I developed social anxiety and face issues sometimes when I go to public places.

But life has to go on. I'm somehow struggling and trying my best to move on in life.

[InbetweenDreams]

@soulfulriver I'm sorry you experienced these things, people seem to not have any limits on how hateful and inhumane one can be.

It is so very easy to relive those moments just as this made me think about a lot of the hateful and hurtful things people did to me back in school. I wish I had some special wisdom and knew what to say that would translate to how to get that stuff out of your head. I did deal with social anxiety growing up and I still have it to an extent. I think the important thing to understand is that there is nothing wrong with you. There's nothing wrong with how you act, nothing wrong with how you look, nothing with how you hold a fork and nothing wrong with your sexuality.

People are hateful and will continue to be hateful. The problem is with them and not you. Frankly I'm not convinced God made anyone, what sort of God creates people capable of being hateful and deliberately hurtful to others for no reason?

Not sure what resources you have in your country. I know for me "exposure therapy" helped me be more comfortable in social situations, of course, if people are being shitty to you because how how you look and dress or whatever the case is, that doesn't help. So there's the second component to deal with and that is dealing with assholes and the things they say. I feel that it something a good therapist can help you with, there is no trick to dealing with those sorts of things but rather helping you use tools and exercises that can help you deal with those encounters.

We only get to go around once and I think allowing hateful people to dictate how you live is wrong and the sooner you can give these people and those memories no space in your thoughts the better. It is much easier said than done but I do believe it is attainable. It may take therapy, may take support, may take years but it is something you can achieve and be able to move past.

Hopefully you find something in my reply helpful. You can PM me if you like as well.

[Cridders88]

@soulfulriver

Hey Roger,

Kids can be evil. Well adults can aswell but kids at school and even college can be real bullies. I was bullied a lot at school, mainly for my weight. I was body shamed a lot and would hate PE as a result, especially things like swimming. It would really pull me back into my shell and I think the horrible time I did have at school has made me quite a socially anxious individual as an adult. Sadly, teachers aren't always helpful, some are great but others not so. They are there to teach and safeguard, I'm sorry that you had an experience of a teacher that wasn't doing their job adequately. I know that would have made you feel alone. It certainly did me, especially as my confidence took such a knock that I felt like I couldn't even speak to a teacher about the bullying. No-one should have to endure it, but sadly it still happens.

I was never bullied for being effeminate as I was never really that way. However, the bullying about my weight did make me feel more conscious about hiding the other thing I was realising age 12 (or so), that I was gay. Because I felt I had to hide it to avoid more daily bullying, I ended up keeping on hiding it well into adulthood (I came out in my mid to late twenties). I ended up falling into the wrong crowd in my late teens early twenties and fell into the world of drugs, which then dominated my life for a good 5 years or so. I'm not saying this wouldn't have happened if I was not bullied, but I think it contributed. I was feeling bery depressed at the time, but also I was surrounding myself with more "tough", "masculine" people (for want of better words) and appeasing them to appear more masculine myself and to further hide my homosexuality.

Something snapped for me in my mid twenties. I got clean, and it was at that point that I really began to feel like I couldn't live the way I was any longer. I then began living my life as an "out" man, but the process of coming out was a really tough one, not helped by the bullying I suffered earlier in life. Although I am happy with where I am now, the scars still show.

Anyway, enough about me, I just thought I would give my account on how words have affected me, and believe me, I know they can kill. @InbetweenDreams has offered some really good advice, although I have never tried therapy myself, I know people that have and it has helped them a great deal. As Mike has said, it is about getting to the point of realising there is nothing wrong with you, you are who you are, and getting some confidence back, and beginning to like who you are. This is a tough journey for sure and it is easier said than done, but I want you to know @soulfulriver that you are never alone. It really does help to talk.

[IanSaysHi]

Hi SFR,

I can highly recommend getting therapy, and the right kind. Do some investigating, try some and see if it feels right, if not try something else. I’ve had two different kinds, but just talking to a counsellor really helped me let go or challenge some of the stuff I held onto from the past. One thing I can say though is all of these people in your past who have said these things will have insecurities, they just probably aren’t that visible.

A couple of coping mechanisms that may help is when you feel overwhelmed by these thoughts, is try to;

1) remember that these people are not thinking right now about you, these were one off experiences and
2) you cannot make everyone like you, all of us will meet people in life we cannot get along with

The majority of your experiences were also when you were at school/college. A lot of these people may have changed since; until they get jobs and work with a range of people and experience real-world diversity then it is all too easy to pick on people.

I would again definitely recommend counselling as it can really help. Also when you find your thoughts drifting to these experiences have something you can go to for distraction - reading, excercise, gaming, whatever helps.

[Camfer]

Hi Soulfulriver, thanks for sharing more of your story. It must be hard for you in Malaysia. I hope you can meet a good friend who accepts you fully for who you are. School years are hard for everyone, but even harder for some who get bullied. Now you are an adult and can choose who you associate with. I don't remember much of all that bad stuff that went down for me in my youth. It will be good for you when you can leave the past behind and just be happy for today. Wishing you well!

[Bhp91126]

I really have no idea what gay life in Malaysia is like and how difficult things are for you, but try to surround yourself with people who appreciate you as you are. Trying to win over bullies is a waste of time, find likeminded people to become friends with. Good luck.

[soulfulriver]

@soulfulriver I'm sorry you experienced these things, people seem to not have any limits on how hateful and inhumane one can be.

It is so very easy to relive those moments just as this made me think about a lot of the hateful and hurtful things people did to me back in school. I wish I had some special wisdom and knew what to say that would translate to how to get that stuff out of your head. I did deal with social anxiety growing up and I still have it to an extent. I think the important thing to understand is that there is nothing wrong with you. There's nothing wrong with how you act, nothing wrong with how you look, nothing with how you hold a fork and nothing wrong with your sexuality.

People are hateful and will continue to be hateful. The problem is with them and not you. Frankly I'm not convinced God made anyone, what sort of God creates people capable of being hateful and deliberately hurtful to others for no reason?

Not sure what resources you have in your country. I know for me "exposure therapy" helped me be more comfortable in social situations, of course, if people are being shitty to you because how how you look and dress or whatever the case is, that doesn't help. So there's the second component to deal with and that is dealing with assholes and the things they say. I feel that it something a good therapist can help you with, there is no trick to dealing with those sorts of things but rather helping you use tools and exercises that can help you deal with those encounters.

We only get to go around once and I think allowing hateful people to dictate how you live is wrong and the sooner you can give these people and those memories no space in your thoughts the better. It is much easier said than done but I do believe it is attainable. It may take therapy, may take support, may take years but it is something you can achieve and be able to move past.

Hopefully you find something in my reply helpful. You can PM me if you like as well.

Thank you for your reply InbetweenDreams.

Thank you for sharing about yourself. I hope you are feeling better now.

I will consider therapy and look up on the various options available and decide which one will be suitable for me. I'll slowly try to forget those bitter memories and move on with my fresh new self.

I'll PM you one day. Thank you.

[soulfulriver]

@soulfulriver

Hey Roger,

Kids can be evil. Well adults can aswell but kids at school and even college can be real bullies. I was bullied a lot at school, mainly for my weight. I was body shamed a lot and would hate PE as a result, especially things like swimming. It would really pull me back into my shell and I think the horrible time I did have at school has made me quite a socially anxious individual as an adult. Sadly, teachers aren't always helpful, some are great but others not so. They are there to teach and safeguard, I'm sorry that you had an experience of a teacher that wasn't doing their job adequately. I know that would have made you feel alone. It certainly did me, especially as my confidence took such a knock that I felt like I couldn't even speak to a teacher about the bullying. No-one should have to endure it, but sadly it still happens.

I was never bullied for being effeminate as I was never really that way. However, the bullying about my weight did make me feel more conscious about hiding the other thing I was realising age 12 (or so), that I was gay. Because I felt I had to hide it to avoid more daily bullying, I ended up keeping on hiding it well into adulthood (I came out in my mid to late twenties). I ended up falling into the wrong crowd in my late teens early twenties and fell into the world of drugs, which then dominated my life for a good 5 years or so. I'm not saying this wouldn't have happened if I was not bullied, but I think it contributed. I was feeling bery depressed at the time, but also I was surrounding myself with more "tough", "masculine" people (for want of better words) and appeasing them to appear more masculine myself and to further hide my homosexuality.

Something snapped for me in my mid twenties. I got clean, and it was at that point that I really began to feel like I couldn't live the way I was any longer. I then began living my life as an "out" man, but the process of coming out was a really tough one, not helped by the bullying I suffered earlier in life. Although I am happy with where I am now, the scars still show.

Anyway, enough about me, I just thought I would give my account on how words have affected me, and believe me, I know they can kill. @InbetweenDreams has offered some really good advice, although I have never tried therapy myself, I know people that have and it has helped them a great deal. As Mike has said, it is about getting to the point of realising there is nothing wrong with you, you are who you are, and getting some confidence back, and beginning to like who you are. This is a tough journey for sure and it is easier said than done, but I want you to know @soulfulriver that you are never alone. It really does help to talk.

Thanks for your reply Cridders88. Thank you for sharing your past experiences in life. I hope you are doing fine now. I'll try to take some therapy in order to improve myself and feel better.

[soulfulriver]

Hi SFR,

I can highly recommend getting therapy, and the right kind. Do some investigating, try some and see if it feels right, if not try something else. I’ve had two different kinds, but just talking to a counsellor really helped me let go or challenge some of the stuff I held onto from the past. One thing I can say though is all of these people in your past who have said these things will have insecurities, they just probably aren’t that visible.

A couple of coping mechanisms that may help is when you feel overwhelmed by these thoughts, is try to;

1) remember that these people are not thinking right now about you, these were one off experiences and
2) you cannot make everyone like you, all of us will meet people in life we cannot get along with

The majority of your experiences were also when you were at school/college. A lot of these people may have changed since; until they get jobs and work with a range of people and experience real-world diversity then it is all too easy to pick on people.

I would again definitely recommend counselling as it can really help. Also when you find your thoughts drifting to these experiences have something you can go to for distraction - reading, excercise, gaming, whatever helps.

Thank you for your reply IanSaysHi.

Thank you for sharing the coping mechanisms. They are helpful. I'll consider to seek a therapist and book sessions with them for counselling.

[soulfulriver]

Hi Soulfulriver, thanks for sharing more of your story. It must be hard for you in Malaysia. I hope you can meet a good friend who accepts you fully for who you are. School years are hard for everyone, but even harder for some who get bullied. Now you are an adult and can choose who you associate with. I don't remember much of all that bad stuff that went down for me in my youth. It will be good for you when you can leave the past behind and just be happy for today. Wishing you well!

Thanks for your reply Camfer. 

Hopefully, I can forget the bitter past and look forward to a happier future.

Thank you and wish you well too.