Grief is bothering/affecting me?

[soulfulriver]

Hi Members,

Just wanted to share about something that been bothering me for a while.

My beloved sister passed away around June last year. She was in her mid-twenties. Initially, I still couldn't believe that she was gone. 
But, slowly after one year later, I have started to accept the bitter truth that she has left me and my family permanently.


1) My sister was a person with special needs (physically and moderately mentally challenged). All her life, she was dependent on me and my parents for food and other necessities.
There were times whereby she threw tantrums and I got annoyed and scolded her. Now, when I think about those times, I feel ashamed of myself and guilty that I scolded her.

2) She is my only sibling. Now, I feel very lonely without her (like almost an orphan). It hurts me deeply when people ask me if I have any siblings nowadays. I do feel sad and find it painful when I watch those photos or videos posted by other people with their siblings on social media. I'm not a person who like to take photos by nature. But now, I regret not taking photos and videos together with my sister.

3) But here is the major thing. This grief experience has made me feel very uninterested in life. 
It's like the human life is so short and very mortal. I feel like why should I bother to put in effort in my life when the human life is so uncertain.
I have lost interest in my career goals and just want to be in a job and earn some money to survive. 
I had some interest to be in a relationship before. But now, I feel not interested to put my foot forward to find a life partner. It's like why should I even bother to make future plans when the human life is like a question mark.

But very deep inside me, I really want to enjoy my life. But this feeling of hopelessness and disinterest in life is overwhelming me and tying me down. I'm really not sure how to overcome this.

I look forward to your advices.

Thank you.

[IanSaysHi]

Firstly, sorry to hear about your sister. I haven’t suffered from major personal loss yet so can only imagine what it is like.

I think the more detached we become from those around us, the more we sink into our inner thoughts, the less we can enjoy life (obviously I am using a broad brush stroke here; I am sure some people enjoy life solely alone). I would recommend filling your time with others as much as possible so you can;
a) distract your mind from negative thoughts
b) enjoy socialising and letting go of your thoughts to others
c) enjoy hobbies and interests
d) not feel alone
I know from personal experience in life that throwing yourself out there and being social during a period like this can feel like an immense undertaking and you may make excuse after excuse but with many things in life you have to force yourself to do something sometimes to reap the rewards.

I always recommend to people rather than looking for their life partner they should focus on building on their hobbies and interests first; enrich your life with things you enjoy so if you don’t meet ”˜the one’ instantly you have things you enjoy to fall back on. Also getting yourself out there and doing social activities can lead to potentially meeting someone you are interested in eventually.

Finally I am not sure your beliefs or whatever but billions of years and molecules moving into the right place led to your time on earth; yes you’ve got this very brief mortal time here but that’s all the more reason to make the most of it whilst you’re here.

[calgor]

Please accept my condolences on your loss.
The first thing that occurs to me is that the last year has been a terrible time for anyone trying to deal with a loss. The forced isolation has likely prevented you from doing many of the things you might have done in normal times. As a result you've probably been more alone with your thoughts than is healthy while dealing with the grief process. Something that occurs to me would be to seek out group therapy where you can talk with others who have dealt with similar issues. Perhaps contact a hospital or mental health agency for a referral to an appropriate group. Hopefully by now things have opened up to the point where this would be available.

[CellarDweller]

@soulfulriver , I am sorry to hear about the loss of your sister, sending you and your family hugs and love.

You should schedule some time to speak with a therapist to help you process your grief. In the US we have therapists that are called grief counselors, and they can help you.

As for the guilt you feel regarding times you didn't get along with your sister, that is normal. When we lose someone, we often think of the things we regret, arguments, time spent apart, and petty differences.

As Ian said, you need to get yourself involved in other things, and find ways to let go of the negative thoughts. You need to adjust to the new normal that your life has become.

[Bookworm]

@soulfulriver I'm sorry to hear this news. Losing someone close is probably the hardest thing any of us will have to contend with in our lives.

Treasure those memories you have of your sister, the good and the bad, as they are all part of your shared experiences. Don't let that feeling of guilt get in the way; after all, she wouldn't want to see you suffering like this. She would want you to go on and lead a happy and productive life, as best you can.
You could divert your energy into other activities, as Ian suggests, to keep your mind occupied. This doesn't mean you have to stop thinking about her, it just channels your focus into different areas and can help ease the burden of grief that you're feeling.

Grief can affect people in different ways. Personally, I try and focus on all the shared experiences I was privileged to have with them, in the time we had. I even talk to some of them from time to time in my head, just to acknowledge that I'm still thinking of them. I'll even light a wee candle sometimes, to mark specific days, like the birthdays of people I've lost. Just little things like that. The list of missing people from my life gets longer, the older I become (I have a healthy supply of candles now)

[eastofeden]

My condolences - I am very sorry to hear about your sister and I empathize with your current situation.

I have to say that grief isn't something that goes away easily - if ever. What I have learned about grief the hard way is that it doesn't really ever go away when you loved somebody but you DO get used to it and learn to live with it. 

The best tool I have learned to use is to remember that as long as I am here still so is a part of the person I am grieving for - because I loved them. The love doesn't die and it truly is a powerful force and it can help you heal and learn to cope with it - give it time.

[soulfulriver]

Firstly, sorry to hear about your sister. I haven’t suffered from major personal loss yet so can only imagine what it is like.

I think the more detached we become from those around us, the more we sink into our inner thoughts, the less we can enjoy life (obviously I am using a broad brush stroke here; I am sure some people enjoy life solely alone). I would recommend filling your time with others as much as possible so you can;
a) distract your mind from negative thoughts
b) enjoy socialising and letting go of your thoughts to others
c) enjoy hobbies and interests
d) not feel alone
I know from personal experience in life that throwing yourself out there and being social during a period like this can feel like an immense undertaking and you may make excuse after excuse but with many things in life you have to force yourself to do something sometimes to reap the rewards.

I always recommend to people rather than looking for their life partner they should focus on building on their hobbies and interests first; enrich your life with things you enjoy so if you don’t meet ”˜the one’ instantly you have things you enjoy to fall back on. Also getting yourself out there and doing social activities can lead to potentially meeting someone you are interested in eventually.

Finally I am not sure your beliefs or whatever but billions of years and molecules moving into the right place led to your time on earth; yes you’ve got this very brief mortal time here but that’s all the more reason to make the most of it whilst you’re here.

Thank you for your reply @IanSaysHi

I have interest in learning musical instruments like piano but did not really attempt to pursue that interest all this while. I think this is the best time for me to start learning and keep myself occupied.

[soulfulriver]

Please accept my condolences on your loss.
The first thing that occurs to me is that the last year has been a terrible time for anyone trying to deal with a loss. The forced isolation has likely prevented you from doing many of the things you might have done in normal times. As a result you've probably been more alone with your thoughts than is healthy while dealing with the grief process. Something that occurs to me would be to seek out group therapy where you can talk with others who have dealt with similar issues. Perhaps contact a hospital or mental health agency for a referral to an appropriate group. Hopefully by now things have opened up to the point where this would be available.

Thank you @calgor

Yes, you are right. My sister passed away during the time when there were restrictions due to the pandemic. It was a really difficult period for me and my family to cope with the loss.

Like you have mentioned, I think it will be better if I go for grief counselling with a therapist.

[soulfulriver]

@soulfulriver , I am sorry to hear about the loss of your sister, sending you and your family hugs and love.

You should schedule some time to speak with a therapist to help you process your grief.  In the US we have therapists that are called grief counselors, and they can help you.

As for the guilt you feel regarding times you didn't get along with your sister, that is normal.  When we lose someone, we often think of the things we regret,  arguments, time spent apart, and petty differences. 

As Ian said, you need to get yourself involved in other things, and find ways to let go of the negative thoughts.  You need to adjust to the new normal that your life has become.

Thank you @CellarDweller

I feel much better after reading the bold part. I have to work on my guilt as well and try to let it go.

[soulfulriver]

@soulfulriver  I'm sorry to hear this news. Losing someone close is probably the hardest thing any of us will have to contend with in our lives.

Treasure those memories you have of your sister, the good and the bad, as they are all part of your shared experiences. Don't let that feeling of guilt get in the way; after all, she wouldn't want to see you suffering like this. She would want you to go on and lead a happy and productive life, as best you can.
You could divert your energy into other activities, as Ian suggests, to keep your mind occupied. This doesn't mean you have to stop thinking about her, it just channels your focus into different areas and can help ease the burden of grief that you're feeling.

Grief can affect people in different ways. Personally, I try and focus on all the shared experiences I was privileged to have with them, in the time we had. I even talk to some of them from time to time in my head, just to acknowledge that I'm still thinking of them. I'll even light a wee candle sometimes, to mark specific days, like the birthdays of people I've lost. Just little things like that. The list of missing people from my life gets longer, the older I become (I have a healthy supply of candles now)

Thank you @Bookworm

I'm also considering to volunteer and help out in a dog shelter. I love dogs very much and I think I will enjoy myself volunteering there. It might be also helpful to shift my thoughts and attention to something else.