Depressed at 57 AGAIN!.......

[richhix56]

Here I am again with this unbearable depression. UGH I literally hate this!! Actually I meet this really sweet man my age online whose sees this bubble my life is in and he gave me a very truthful outsiders perspective on my "no-win situation." Yeah its me, remember that posting about my coming out to my 75 yr. old dad advice???

This other guy named Joel is very special, wise and a patient enough individual who even invited me to come live with him in Oklahoma. We have been talking on the phone many hours in the early morning hours. We both want to be more than just buddies but he is even willing to allow me to sleep in his spare bedroom if i don't feel comfortable sleeping together just yet. It is very tempting but i need to buy a dependable vehicle and take the leap of moving.

Yeah its a lot on me right now. I've been up all night tossing and turning with no sleep. I am so tired of living in this valley! I want to soar on the mountain tops of happiness and freedom in who I am.

I have got to do something to rid me of this depression. I can not go on living in this freaking bubble around my dad!!!

[InbetweenDreams]

Well the thing about giving advice is that there's no way I can be sure that I'm giving you good advice. What was his outsider's perspective on your situation?

I do agree that there's probably nothing good about coming out to your father who's 75. I wouldn't worry so much about being in an estate and things like that, unless he's a millionaire of course and you're going to be living fancy free the rest of your life.

I assume you have a vehicle, what would it take to make it more reliable. My partner drives a 20 year old truck right now, so it doesn't have to be new, hell new cars can leave you walking for that matter. What's to say you don't go on a vacation. I'm sure you can find some BS to make up, it's my old friend from high school, work, military, or something just so they buy it if you're gone for a week. That way you can meet the guy yourself and see how things go and you can work on what it is you want to do.

Perhaps you can share what it is that you're worried about that kept you up all night specifically? Is it surrounding your dad and family? Is there a chance that things with this guy don't pan out? Sure, in fact it might be likely.

I can say this. The guy I've been seeing, has terrible anxiety and even though he's 30 he's only been working the first job he's had for about 3 going on 4 years now. He asked me if I would move to where he is, despite me having a stable job with good benefits. It's not that I am unwilling, it just wouldn't make sense. He also worries about people knowing he's gay, posting things on facebook and whatnot. It is difficult to pack up and leave, and I can't imagine what it is like coming out to family members who are very likely to disown you. So I can't tell you if it is worth the risk to come out to your family and then pack up and leave. Nor can we be certain that coming out to your dad is going to go the way you expect it to.

What I can say is figure out your game plan. I do think you should do something with this guy. That being said, I haven't gone back and read the other thread you made but I vaguely remember the highlights.

[InbetweenDreams]

So having gone back through your other threads and mind you, you don't have to answer any question concerning your situation but having a better picture will help. In your original post about coming out to your dad, you mentioned that you were on disability for a mental illness. Mental illness is definitely a real thing and I am by no means discounting that, however, I know how labels get applied as if we're all dented cans in a grocery store....We're not dented cans and we're not damaged goods, whatever the case maybe. Because I don't want to pry into your business I'll say this, if you are disability due to this then I would draw the conclusion that it is something that is keeping your from thriving and that has kept you from having things like a job and your reliance on your dad. Reliance is something we all can get used to, after all I get in my car and I am used to it running fine every day, so it really throws me off when I hit a deer on the way to work if you know what I mean and that is how it is with life.

For those outside the US, to put it in perspective, if you are disabled and the government grants you disability benefits, you can't work a regular job because you can lose your benefits. Same with social security, you're only allow to make so much money before they cut your benefits.

The thing that concerns me is your mental breakdown. Is the severe depression a result of you not being able to live your life the way you want to? Is it over this guy?

The concern is that I don't know how you might deal with the "waves" that will be the result of getting close to this guy. Let's say you bite the bullet you move in with this guy, you tell your dad the whole thing and then what? Are you prepared to weather whatever comes your way? What if in say 3 months you and this guy aren't getting along so well? Or perhaps things are great? Who knows? That's just it, are you ready to go into uncharted territory and be able to not only deal with the problems but not put yourself in danger. That is my concern with you going soaring on the mountain tops, we don't want you to come crashing down.

[richhix56]

"The thing that concerns me is your mental breakdown. Is the severe depression a result of you not being able to live your life the way you want to?"
YES. I cant afford housing costs unless I have some type of roommate. I have had severe breakdowns over time since I was 18 years old.

Is it over this guy? NO. This is a guy I met last week.

The concern is that I don't know how you might deal with the "waves" that will be the result of getting close to this guy. Let's say you bite the bullet you move in with this guy, you tell your dad the whole thing and then what? Are you prepared to weather whatever comes your way?

At this point I am willing to weather anything except homelessness.


What if in say 3 months you and this guy aren't getting along so well? Or perhaps things are great? Who knows? That's just it, are you ready to go into uncharted territory and be able to not only deal with the problems but not put yourself in danger. That is my concern with you going soaring on the mountain tops, we don't want you to come crashing down.

This is very truth and thank you for taking the time out to write to me at this length. I am to the point I am willing to do whatever it takes and if that means moving out of the safety net my dad has set up for me so be it. Its not worth it.

[richhix56]

What was his outsider's perspective on your situation? When I told him he got upset on how my family has done me over the years with this situation

I do agree that there's probably nothing good about coming out to your father who's 75. I wouldn't worry so much about being in an estate and things like that, unless he's a millionaire of course and you're going to be living fancy free the rest of your life.  People in my town think he is, but he has not came out and told me.

I assume you have a vehicle, what would it take to make it more reliable. My partner drives a 20 year old truck right now, so it doesn't have to be new, hell new cars can leave you walking for that matter. What's to say you don't go on a vacation. I'm sure you can find some BS to make up, it's my old friend from high school, work, military, or something just so they buy it if you're gone for a week. That way you can meet the guy yourself and see how things go and you can work on what it is you want to do. That is a good idea, he even told me make up something of tht nature to tell my dad. 

Perhaps you can share what it is that you're worried about that kept you up all night specifically? Is it surrounding your dad and family? YES Is there a chance that things with this guy don't pan out? I am not sure how it will turn out. im sure he is seeing red flags and will possibly break things off.

I hope people  can read this i am really tired.

I am praying for some kind of sign from GOD. Yes I pray and still do from time to time. Thanks for all this though. Great food for thought. I will keep in touch and let you know how all this goes. Some thing has got to break and I am not going inpatient again over this crap!!!!

Richard

[InbetweenDreams]

@richhix56 Oh ok, I thought it might have been the same guy from last time. So definitely pump the brakes, I wouldn't take anyone too seriously about moving in if you've only met them a week ago. Not saying it is a red flag, but don't jump the gun. Take time getting to know him and vice versa. Not sure what your vehicle situation is but, 100 miles it doable if you're fine with driving those distances. If whatever vehicle you have can be brought up to snuff then taking a weekend trip up or, weekday --doesn't matter, to go see this guy should be fine.

I know you say your dad and other relatives come over but if you're not there? Do you foresee being questioned about where you went? I mean surely you can make up something, went to the park, went for a drive, etc...

Yeah homelessness is definitely not a good outcome. So I think once you have met someone in person and are able to spend some time with them so you can assess them, after the butterflies settle and you're not looking at them through rose tinted glasses then you might be ready to make that sort of leap.

The thing that worries me in telling someone to just go for it, throw caution to the wind and go live life is yes, that is ultimately the answer and the goal but if in 3 months and it all goes to shit and then you try harming yourself then I have failed, or that how I feel. Ultimately, you're at the helm. One thing I did notice when I did have a therapist is that they tend not to tell you do a thing but rather frame it as a question. Instead of them telling you to go on vacation for example, they'll say have you thought about a vacation? So I think a lot of times we have the answers to our problems and whether we act on those things is up to us.

You responded to the thread while I was writing my reply...so to include that...

This guy you're seeing, you said he got upset about how your family has done you over the years? Since this might be relevant, would you be able to elaborate?

If your dad does rental properties, he could be a millionaire but then again if he has any vices, like drugs, alcohol, gambling those sorts of things might not be. The question is whether or not any of that matters to you or not.

What makes you think he's thinking of breaking it off? I assumed that his offer to let you move in was at least half serious and that flip flopping isn't something I'd be comfortable with. So that being said, are you catastrophizing things here?

I think the best advice, be patient, don't rush into anything and try not to overthink and worry about things to the point where you're losing sleep. Enjoy the road taking you to where you want to be.

[IanSaysHi]

Hi @richhix56. I know I am younger and I hope you find none of what I say patronising but I do understand the frustration of cycles of depression. Since my late teens I have gone through bouts of it. I had a recent one again at the end of July, each time it feels so disheartening/frustrating/like my life is completely out of my control, but whilst at the same time losing the positive emotions I rely on every day. The only positive that gets me through each time is knowing I have got through it before and will do again.

I know it can sometimes feel like “is this all my life is going to be” but I also find solace in sharing my experiences with others. I also find in my friend circle I am often the person people come to for advice because although they may not experience these cycles we experience, they also lack that experience we have of coping and knowing eventually we come out the other side. Being able to help others from my experience of these episodes feels like I/these bouts have some purpose.

I also always used to always see these episodes as a weakness but after admitting what I’ve gone through to others, two people now have told me they are impressed by the strength I have shown to have repeatedly get through these events (their words, I’m really not big on my own self-promotion). It’s hard to see but getting through these cycles IS strength.

Please keep talking to people, I am glad you’ve found this forum where you will find friendly, non-judgemental people. As always, you will just have to give it time until you come out the other side but you will get there. We always have hope that one day we won’t have another episode but if we do we just take each day as it comes again until that day you finally realise things are better again.

Wishing you all the best and a recovery from this soon,

Ian

[Sunshine60]

This is awesome advice guys, Thanks for taking the time to show some care.

[richhix56]

Thanks for all your kind responses. I talked to my mom and my dad separately. They have been divorced for many years. my mom lives in north Arkansas. I talked to her right after I posted this thread. She told me that if i moved and things didn't work out with Joel (who I told her he was my friend) She would not help me out financially and I would wind up homeless. The Joel guy...I broke up with him shortly after I had that talk with her. I told him my situation and it made him mad. Just tonight I talked to my dad about all a together different living situation that is going on now and he more or less told me the same thing. AS far as my parents are concerned I am a lost cause. They do NOT give me the grace to change. I wish I could have my own life without their very un-empathic support! All they care about is their money....They pressured me back in the day-2002-to apply for disability because they would not support me, but I have two half brothers who on separate sides of this screwed up family get support from them. To me it looks like my lifeline with another man is just a pipedream....I've been searching since 2019 and exhausted my search to find a compatible guy. It just makes me want to leave Ark after the first of the year and not look back ever!!! I think it is to my benefit to start saving and looking for my own vehicle.

[InbetweenDreams]

Thanks for all your kind responses. I talked to my mom and my dad separately. They have been divorced for many years. my mom lives in north Arkansas. I talked to her right after I posted this thread. She told me that if i moved and things didn't work out with Joel (who I told her he was my friend) She would not help me out financially and I would wind up homeless. The Joel guy...I broke up with him shortly after I had that talk with her. I told him my situation and it made him mad. Just tonight I talked to my dad about all a together different living situation that is going on now and he more or less told me the same thing. AS far as my parents are concerned I am a lost cause. They do NOT give me the grace to change. I wish I could have my own life without their very un-empathic support! All they care about is their money....They pressured me back in the day-2002-to apply for disability because they would not support me, but I have two half brothers who on separate sides of this screwed up family get support from them. To me it looks like my lifeline with another man is just a pipedream....I've been searching since 2019 and exhausted my search to find a compatible guy. It just makes me want to leave Ark after the first of the year and not look back ever!!! I think it is to my benefit to start saving and looking for my own vehicle.

Not sure if you wanted to go into more detail as to what happened, it's fine if you don't. So if you were to move out, if you needed to come back that your father would refuse to help you?

So what about your situation made Joel mad? I see you have been searching for a couple years to find a compatible guy. That sort of stuff can take a long time, sometimes you find someone and things go well for months, years only to find that it doesn't work out. However, I don't think it means you should throw the towel in. My advice however, is that you seek out activities, groups and alike to get yourself out there, make friends. Friends do come and go as well but they're more likely to stick around than guys you date. Only the first guy I dated stays in touch with me and the rest I don't talk to.

I assume, if I may, that you might not be accustomed to socializing, mingling with people? I think that getting yourself outside and involved in things, whether it be hobbies or some other interest is going to be beneficial. Maybe there's a local PFLAG group or something along those lines that you can take part of? I also think you should keep your mental health in check, if you see a therapist, keep going, if you don't consider working with one if you can and have the resources to do so. The point is that I think that you making friends and finding social activities is more important than trying to deliberately find a guy. In fact I think taking the other route with friends is more likely to take you to what you're looking for.

I don't know what your work experience is, life experience as in being independant. It's tough out in the world and regardless of anyone's case, being in your 50's is going to be a big jump and learning to cope with all these changes and demands that life brings is difficult and unpredictable for anyone. Not saying not to make the leap but also not saying you should. How do you feel about living independently and not likely to have a cushion to fall on should things not work out the way you intend?