Annoyance...

[InbetweenDreams]

I think I may have another thread somewhere. The guy I'm seeing has some sort of addiction to buying what are really junk cars. To give better context about him he's a nice guy and has a lot of good traits but this and his procrastination on certain things kind of make me really question things. The cars he likes and keeps buying are these old "granny cars" from the late 80's and early 90's stuff like Oldsmobile Delta 88's, Buick LeSabre, and the ones after the downsize, so they're not collectible and what he's buying aren't good examples or worth putting much (if any) money into. As a matter of fact since I last talked about it on the forums he's bought 2 more cars. Now to be clear, it is his money, his hobby, he can do whatever he wants, just as I will spend my money on useless crap as well, so I really don't have much room to talk. I've spent quite a bit of money on aquariums and fish and all that jazz this year.

The other thing is he hates his job but won't put any time into updating his resume, which is something that could be knocked out in a couple hours, if that, and I've mentioned it and asked him since July. He knows that's the only way out and with all the job openings I have tried to emphasize that this is the best time to make a move. He's making $10 an hour an animal hospital ran by people who could give a shit about their staff when everyone else is offering better pay and benefits. He missed an opportunity to work at a car dealership, no experience required, starting pay was $14/hr.

I'm not trying to control him or tell him what he can or cannot do and I have not scolded him for buying these cars, mind you they're not tagged or registered so he can't really drive them until then. Not trying to make him do anything he doesn't want to do but he always complains about his job and how terrible the owners are and so on. I do want him to be happy and make good choices, and I realize that has to come from him and I don't want to be an asshole. But, I also need to keep myself in mind, I feel like maybe I need to dial it back some with him.

[calgor]

Regarding his job maybe he just likes working with animals. Maybe encourage him to seek a better job in the same industry or get some schooling to qualify for a higher paying job in the same area. Does he like working on the cars he buys or does he just let them sit there? My dad used to buy older cars at auctions, fix them up and resell them. It was pretty much his hobby. I can think of a lot worse things he could be into so other than that are you happy in this relationship or are you maybe just looking for reasons to back off?

[InbetweenDreams]

He does like the animals but doesn't like the place he's at and yep I've suggested other animal hospitals, other positions, school. He doesn't really know enough about how to fix cars (I had to explain to him how to properly check transmission fluid, like you have to have the car running and in park, etc), so he often buys them and then takes them to a mechanic to fix and so yeah, not going to be very economical. I mean even if you found a barn find where the car has 10,000 original miles you're not going to drive away in it.

Oh and by all means I can think of worse things. If that were the case I would not bother bringing it up on the forums. Then again, maybe it is just I need to think it all through.

The thing is, in order to put everything in the right perspective I have to basically describe the entire relationship, him, his history of things, and perhaps that gets too personal. Like if I just say he buys old cars and so on that doesn't put it all into perspective. I have to talk about how he's also into antiques and has pretty much filled up his parents house with old console radios (some work, some don't) and can't hardly get through the hallway. It's not bad to like antiques or old cars, but because he's not fully invested in the hobbies, like he likes old clocks....but he just doesn't know how to fix them and has to pay to have someone else fix it.

About the cars, here's an example, he bought a 1991 Buick LeSabre for $600, owned by an old lady, original owner, sounds like it might be a good car but, granny wrecked it into the garage and has done some damage to it (I haven't seen it yet), he has a mechanic "do service" on it which included changing the transmission fluid. Well turns out the fluid that came out was dark because the clutches and bands are chewed up and now the transmission slips... It costs $1500 to have the transmission rebuilt and it is unknown if there are other major mechanical problems. He has another 1990 Buick LeSabre that has no brakes, paid like $1,100 for it and had to have it towed to his house, wasn't even able to drive it home. He's got others, which do drive, but he seems to want to keep buying them and not fix or improve the ones he has. That's what I have trouble with. I know he really like the cars, hell I like them too. My family had a 1989 Buick Electra and it is just like all those cars but I would not buy one without thoroughly going through it and being able to drive it or know for sure that I could fix the problem easily. He just doesn't check what he's buying, I know because I asked him, did you check the oil? Check for leaks? No...

That all being said, he's a sweet guy and I do like him a lot and has a lot of good thing about him but I do worry about that, not that I have any right to tell him what he can or can't do. Just like his job situation, only he can do something about it. I once dated a guy back in 2009, he delivered papers for the Atlanta Journal and well we all know what happened to getting newspapers delivered, it pretty much stopped. I don't know if anyone still gets newspapers delivered but up here in the sticks they stopped doing it so he lost his job. It was a really bad time to lose your job too... I tried to help him, I picked up job applications and helped look for jobs... You know what he did? He couldn't be bothered to fill out the job applications, couldn't read his handwriting. I explained to him that with there being so few jobs right now that they'll just toss this shit in the trash. I mean I get that some people have bad handwriting, I have bad handwriting, but its like no care was taken. Or maybe I'm an asshole or need better judgement, I don't know.

[eastofeden]

It is a good question to ask - but the answer is difficult.

My advice - if you like him or love him enough - let the car thing go. He may have a passion for it and if you talk him out of it he may end up resenting you for it. 

So - the real answer is inside of you. Would it be a dealbreaker for you? There is no shame in knowing yourself and what you can or can't handle. It is always a bad idea to go into any relationship with the idea we can change the other person.

[calgor]

I apologize if I'm getting too nosy but you said previously he's making $10 an hour at the animal hospital. How does he manage to buy these cars and spend money for the repairs and still pay his living expenses? Or is he living expense free in his parents house which you said he is cluttering up with old radios? I wouldn't bemoan anyone doing what makes him happy if he can afford to do it. If he can't then he's just gonna be looking for someone else to pay the bills when his current meal ticket dries up. If the latter is true then you have to decide if you would just be replacing his parents should the relationship reach that point.

[InbetweenDreams]

Resentment is one of the things I do worry about. @calgor He has managed to save up some money from working there, he does live with his parents. I don't think it is so much that he's going to look for someone else to support his habit of buying cars as much as I am worried that life will hit him really hard and fast. He did have something happen to him from a dental procedure that for unknown reasons he started having panic attacks and a lot of anxiety, he's gotten much better over the years but I think that and not having a job through college has kind of slowed his progress down. I also suspect that his hesitancy for getting another job is because this is also his first job and he's told me enough for me know he does work in a crummy place and needs to move on. I think he is scared to. I am willing to help but I am not spoon feeding anyone anymore. If he wants to find a job, he's got to do some of the work like sign into Indeed and look and not just bitch about his job and say "I know" when I suggest that he should look for another place to work, especially when even in this small town Taco Bell is offering $14 an hour with a $300 sign on bonus. I'm not suggesting that what he does but only to point out that this is a really good time to make a move because sooner or later that shit will dry up and not only might he be stuck at a crappy job they might cut his hours, lay him off when times get tuff of when winter hits. The kind of people he works for are ones who say they're broke but go around posting pictures of their brand new Lexus. Now, I get that business owners are entitled to having their own paycheck but $10/hr? Cleaning up dog diarrhea because no one else will clean it up? I know he deserves better than that shit and that's part of why it erks me.

The unfortunate reality is that I cannot replace his parents. His parents are nice people but they're way too easy on him. I know I've got to get my shit together too, it's not like it's a one sided thing. I got myself into a mess of my own and perhaps it is seeing someone make the same mistakes that I did that got me into trouble.

The car thing would bother me less if he were at least thoroughly checking them out and had more knowledge about what to look for. Transmission fluid that is dark and gray is bad bad bad and should walk away from it. I get the nostalgia, I'd love to have one of those cars or one like my grandparents had but I know I can't fix cars, not to that level. It would be less of an issue if he knew how to work on them and not give some dude $150 to fix the brakes and then run off with they money (that did apparently happen)...

[Bhp91126]

Next time he starts moaning about his crappy job, pay, bosses just ask him what he’s doing about it and then drop the subject. He needs to make a move and having the same conversations over and over with him doesn’t help.

Unless he’s asking you for money or his spending habits negatively affect the relationship, I would also drop the old cars/radios/clocks. It’s his money and he’s a grown up. Maybe ask him what he gets out of owning all that old stuff, because you don’t understand it.

What are you getting out of this relationship?

[InbetweenDreams]

@Bhp91126 He does need to make a move and I also agree, we've had conversations about it several times. I also understand it is his own money, I'm not mad at him for doing whatever it is he wants to do with his money but it does make me question about where I am to go with him. It's not that I don't understand why he likes antiques and cars, but it is more like he hoards things. I mean when it is to the point where you can't walk into rooms or walk straight in the hallway, is it collecting or hoarding?

That being said, he is an attractive guy, he's sweet, has a good personality and overall a genuinely good person. I think that goes a very long way, especially considering the guy I dated last he was a pretty big asshole and controlling. He had a nice job, made way more money than me, but I was quite unhappy with him. Now, is the guy I'm with now some kind of rebound. Eh, I don't buy too much into this being a rebound thing. I guess they exist but I don't think that is what this is. Me and my ex were broke up before we were broke up, the fire died long before I broke it off. Do I love him? You know, I really hate using that word. Love is overused. If I loved him then I should embrace all that he is and all of his flaws and I'm not quite there yet. I don't believe people love each other when they're breaking it off in 2 months, it takes a long time to know someone. So, if I say I love someone I want it to be clear that I'm not bullshitting. I feel like I am still figuring out who he is, afterall we don't get to spend a lot of time together due to the distance.

That all being said, I don't really have a lot of friends who I hang out with these days. It's rural out here, I'm just not the social butterfly. I just don't put myself out there really. So I am left with myself to make life exciting after work and well I suck at it, seems I go from one hobby or activity to the next. So maybe he's filling in for some of that, even if I don't want to admit it.

[calgor]

This may be harsh but it sounds like he may be a victim of the Peter Pan syndrome, doing what he pleases without having to deal with any of the responsibilities of adulthood. What happens down the line when his parents are gone? That seems like the question you need to answer while trying to decide where you want the relationship to go.

[InbetweenDreams]

@calgor I don't think that is exactly what is going on with him and here's why... I think whatever happened when he was put under anesthesia at the dentist is what really caused him problems with panic attacks and so forth. His doctor wanted to put him on disability but he didn't want to do that. Then again you might be right too but that's not the first thing that jumps out at me. I think it is anxiety and other part is simply not having to "adult" because of his parents. A lot of "kids" are staying at home with their parents, good or bad, but that has become more normal since rent is insanely expensive and wages haven't moved in 15 years...that and a lot of people are going through college, like he did, and not getting jobs when in college. I think that and this anesthesia thing has got him a late start on life...

I think what I need is for him to show me that he can make the hard choice when he needs too. I just was on the phone with him and kind of rinse and repeat. We talked about jobs and how I had been asking him since July about looking for jobs. I helped him make an account on Indeed, all he's got to do is login and look... He told me "I know" and that he's got to do it at his pace, I asked him what his pace was. I'm not trying to make fun of him but spending an hour on the computer to update your resume and references, look at a few jobs does not take 3 months. He didn't really do much today, because I asked him. I get that whole feeling of "when the time is right," but c'mon.

That all being said, I have my own mess. Or rather I made a mess and now dealing with said mess.... I suppose I'm on my way but likewise I could have made more progress by now if I didn't go into the deep end on every hobby I pick up. That has got to be one of the worst things about me, but also good? Anyway, I'm a whole nother subject. But that's why I have a hard time with being more direct or putting the line in the sand, I kind of empathize with him on the anxiety stuff and why and how it can hold people back, particularly when they have a safe place to default back to.