Annoyance...

[calgor]

Just out of curiosity do his parents know he is gay? Have you met his parents? It sounds like if you continue in this relationship they will become part of it so I'm wondering how you feel about them.

[InbetweenDreams]

Yes his parents know he's gay and I have met them, he is lucky that his parents are accepting the whole thing.

[eastofeden]

I think you should figure out if you would be OK with him doing what he does or if it is going to be a dealbreaker for you. Everyone probably has some qualities/habits that are going to be annoying so ask yourself do the annoyances outweigh the good stuff? - or maybe the annoyances are way too much to handle no matter how good he rest of it is? OR - what if the bottom line is that he does not change at all? Could you accept that?  

I had a  real quirky involuntary litmus test for guys and I could be totally interested in a guy BUT if he made fun of other people's appearances or droned on about how "hot" this or that person was - my interest went away totally and instantly. Hearing that crap is worse than fingernails on a chalkboard for me. I never told any of them why I stopped being interested - I kinda "ghosted" them before the term "ghost" was  ever used to describe it. 

If I could do it all over again I might have explained but still would not be interested so maybe communication could be the key. Ask him if he can change that habit or if it is not something he is willing to do.

[InbetweenDreams]

I think you should figure out if you would be OK with him doing what he does or if it is going to be a dealbreaker for you. Everyone probably has some qualities/habits that are going to be annoying so ask yourself do the annoyances outweigh the good stuff? - or maybe the annoyances are way too much to handle no matter how good he rest of it is? OR - what if the bottom line is that he does not change at all? Could you accept that?

Well, that's the thing. I can probably work on the him buying cars but probably has to be him making wiser choices on what he buys. It doesn't make any sense to not check the oil on a 31 year old car before buying and having the expectation that it will run and drive. That's the WTH thing for me about it. The job thing, well I guess "Annoyance" isn't really the best title because it isn't so much that I am annoyed about him complaining about his job but that he won't put any effort into it. He says he knows that he should look for a job and so on, I mean I have been kindly suggesting that he look for another job and even walked him through making an Indeed account, and that's where we quickly found that dealership job, we looked at stuff for maybe 5 minutes. I really am trying to drive home that this is a good time to change jobs if you're wanting to change jobs.

I don't want to do it for him, he will either resent me or just won't put effort into it because he doesn't want it enough. Here's what I mean...

Around 2008-2009 I dated a guy named Lee. He had a paper route for the Atlanta Journal (newspaper) and long story short he lost his job because they stopped delivering papers up to north GA. So being unemployed and me now having to fund our weekends I would have to drive 30 miles to pick him up, bring him to my place (there was a good reason) and have to pay for dinner and whatever we did. I picked up job applications for him from all over. He was supposed to fill them out, except that not only could you not read his name, he left all kinds of stuff blank. It pissed me off because I was trying to help and he wasn't taking it seriously. I have shitty handwriting but I can make it so people can read my name on stuff. I also brought him to work (I had permission from my then boss) in hopes that he might be able to get part time work. Of course he gets into an argument with my boss in some stupid pissing contest and made a fool out of me. My boss made it clear to not bring him back.

So I have a bit of a chip on my shoulder you could say about going out of my way to help someone with this stuff. My worry is that this being his first job is that he won't have gone through the wonderful experience of job hunting and dealing with all that. I mean it sucks, but it must be done. It also concerns me that he might blow large sums of money when perhaps that money might be needed for rent or something. Not that I have room to talk, I have made plenty of mistakes with money and continue to do dumb shit myself. I guess I need to know whether I am being reasonable or not. While I have discussed things with him I have been not all too demanding. It's not like I have given him an ultimatum or scolded him about anything...but like my posts I do tend to ramble on about things.

I had a  real quirky involuntary litmus test for guys and I could be totally interested in a guy BUT if he made fun of other people's appearances or droned on about how "hot" this or that person was - my interest went away totally and instantly. Hearing that crap is worse than fingernails on a chalkboard for me. I never told any of them why I stopped being interested - I kinda "ghosted" them before the term "ghost" was  ever used to describe it. 

If I could do it all over again I might have explained but still would not be interested so maybe communication could be the key. Ask him if he can change that habit or if it is not something he is willing to do.

That is a tough one to get over because a lot of guys are all about that. I get it, it's kind of like hearing someone tell me that I'm sexy, I'm like...liar, but it is a weird feeling being told that because I don't think of myself being "sexy." However, I do see that appearance and physical attraction do have their place I suppose. Now, the question were you in the wrong for ghosting these guys? Well, who am I to judge. I do think communication is important and something like that maybe explaining that early on might be helpful so they don't make that mistake, or just be able to open up and discuss stuff.

[artyboy]

Lol sounds like me. Fair play to him. Sounds like he likes old hoofties. If it's his hobby let him be, and if he likes he's job well let him be, life isn't all about money. To be honest if you don't like the things he likes maybe you two aren't right for one another. Being controlling is a big turn off for me.

[InbetweenDreams]

Lol sounds like me. Fair play to him. Sounds like he likes old hoofties. If it's his hobby let him be, and if he likes he's job well let him be, life isn't all about money.

I'm going to sound like an asshole here, but did you read the thread. I'm not controlling him. I'm not telling him that he can't piss away his money on this stuff. I know you didn't read the thread because I have said several times he hates his job, he complains about how shitty of a job it is, how poorly the owners treat him and yes it pisses me off hearing that he deal with all that and yes I have been encouraging him to look for another job, but I am not going to do it all for him. So it is annoying to listen to the complaining when he does nothing about it.

Why is everyone on here who gives advice jump to conclusions. You know, what I give advice on here I try to understand that I really don't know much about what the person is really asking/telling beyond the few sentences or paragraphs the wrote, so I try to not be too judgey, but when I ask for advice on here I'm a fucking terrible person. I'm really fucking tired on this shit on GS.

To be honest if you don't like the things he likes maybe you two aren't right for one another. Being controlling is a big turn off for me.

It has nothing to do with me not liking the things he likes. I'm not fucking controlling him for fucks sake. I'm not telling him he can't buy cars, stay at his job. Am I supposed to pretend that him doing these things is going to lead to a long term relationship?

I really regret ever asking for advice on here. See, I asked for advice on all this because I am trying to not control him or otherwise be unreasonable.

[Bookworm]

Mike, I don't think anyone here thinks you're a 'fucking terrible person'. Far from it.

You've asked for advice on this topic, and in more than one thread. From what I've seen, folks have generally tried to be helpful and understand the situation more (for the most part). You shouldn't let any particular responder cloud you're judgement about the rest of us that try and offer help and advice, where we can.

[Rawr]

Sounds like you care about him a lot, and in no way do I read what you're saying as if you were trying/wanting to control him.

I think everything you've mentioned I fully agree with. It sounds like you're looking long-term and understandably want him to sort/modify some areas so that you are both in a good position to support one another. I don't think it's unreasonable to make some sacrifices and meet in the middle to make the one you love happy. But you need to have that conversation with him to determine where the middle lies and from there, better understand if this is the right relationship for you.

and it works both ways, I know you said you support his hobby, but could maybe agree a spending cap or that the decision needs to be agreed as a partnership. All relationships are different with different mechanics and agreements which I can appreciate. I don't know how serious your relationship is, but I personally see mine and my partners income as one single amount which belongs to both of us. But again, I appreciate not all couples share money.

Maybe its worth setting goals i.e. buying a house etc... so he understands a bit better on what he should be saving his money on as a team.

As for the job aspect, again I think it's lovely that you want what's best for him. Could it be change he's scared of? i.e. he has a job, where he knows everyone and he knows what he's doing. It may not pay much, but it's safe and secure. I fear that with my job, I love it, but it sometimes holds me back when promotions come up. What if I'm not good at the new role? what if my team dislikes me? what if I get found out that I'm a fraud and they fire me?

Just keep doing what your doing, reassure him and let him know his worth and I'm sure at some point he'll take the plunge.

I know it's difficult being the one to support others when mentally you probably feel you could do with the support yourself. But from one random internet stranger to another, you're doing a great job and I'm proud of you.

My apologies if I've misunderstood or missed anything.

[InbetweenDreams]

You shouldn't let any particular responder cloud you're judgement about the rest of us that try and offer help and advice, where we can.

No I shouldn't, definitely was not in a good mood this morning. Not sure if anyone noticed (sarcasm). I am a bit sensitive in that my ex was very controlling and emotionally abusive, I don't want to be what he was to me.

Sounds like you care about him a lot, and in no way do I read what you're saying as if you were trying/wanting to control him.

I think everything you've mentioned I fully agree with. It sounds like you're looking long-term and understandably want him to sort/modify some areas so that you are both in a good position to support one another. I don't think it's unreasonable to make some sacrifices and meet in the middle to make the one you love happy. But you need to have that conversation with him to determine where the middle lies and from there, better understand if this is the right relationship for you.

and it works both ways, I know you said you support his hobby, but could maybe agree a spending cap or that the decision needs to be agreed as a partnership. All relationships are different with different mechanics and agreements which I can appreciate. I don't know how serious your relationship is, but I personally see mine and my partners income as one single amount which belongs to both of us. But again, I appreciate not all couples share money.

That is a good way to look at it. Not to get off subject, I seen a post on Facebook about a husband makes $70,000 a year and the wife makes $35,000 a year and rent is $1,800, is it fair if the wife puts less than 50% of the rent up. Of course the answer is it depends. Jobs, wages, situations change. Sure, right now I make a good bit more than he does but you never know, so I don't necessarily hold someone to 50% just because on paper it is fair. I think it goes well beyond money and it is really about what you are getting out of a relationship.

That being said, I think it is great he likes those cars, both our families had cars like these but... He has to be smarter about what he chooses to buy, knows how to check them out and having a lot of the same cars doesn't mean you're going to get one good one out of it. These cars, that being the GM C-body & H-body which spanned from 1985-1991, weren't really all that well built and they got used up and weren't appreciated. I get the appeal for them but he can't afford to tag and insure all of them even if they all were drivable.

Of course there are the antiques, and it is the same thing. I think it is fine that he does that but there are limits. If you can't walk around your house because you bought old console stereos that don't work then to me it is more of a hoarding thing than a hobby. Now some of the stuff he buys does work, or kind of work or could be resored. He does have some things I think that would be valuable if he were to restore them, like this old Zenith radio that has the old FM band on it which is before the band change following WWII. Other things he's got really aren't worth anything, particularly the transistorized console stereos, the quality really took a nosedive after the 60's. He can do what he wants but I don't know how I would feel if were living together and not having space to talk down the hall or be able to use a room because it is filled with stuff. At the same time it is like my aquarium crap. I have a big husky rack holding 5 tanks, plus a mini-pond and a bucket. That stuff will probably have to be downsized if not eliminated if we were to get a place. A lot of landlords do not allow aquariums or have a size limit, some don't care and some people just do it anyway and try not to get caught.

Of course right now, trying to figure out if he's mad at me. He wanted to meet halfway, halfway is about a 90 mile drive, to each lunch and I just wasn't feeling up to it. He had planned to come over this weekend but for only one night and didn't want to come the whole way. He hasn't texted me back but he is also really bad for not texting

Maybe its worth setting goals i.e. buying a house etc... so he understands a bit better on what he should be saving his money on as a team.

As for the job aspect, again I think it's lovely that you want what's best for him. Could it be change he's scared of? i.e. he has a job, where he knows everyone and he knows what he's doing. It may not pay much, but it's safe and secure. I fear that with my job, I love it, but it sometimes holds me back when promotions come up. What if I'm not good at the new role? what if my team dislikes me? what if I get found out that I'm a fraud and they fire me?

Just keep doing what your doing, reassure him and let him know his worth and I'm sure at some point he'll take the plunge.

I think the change is likely what it is, he hasn't really explained it to me, not that I'm owed an explanation. I mean my last job, I was ready to walk and just let the bank take my car and fuck it all. Not sure where he's at but maybe not there, I do worry that these people he works for will just lay him off as soon as times get tough which I suspect will happen at some point. They're the kind of owners who bitch about money and how broke they are and how generous they are to their staff while paying them crap and then go off and buy a brand new Lexus (they literally do this). I know they type of people he's working for and I will put any amount of money they will do just that. So yes, I do want better for him, I know he deserves better and is capable of better. As much as I might think a little push will help, it could very easily not work out well. I know it ultimately has to be his choice but I need to figure out how I might be able to motivate him and not just when he's had a shitty day at work. That and having the experience of switching jobs, it is bound to happen at some point, it sucks. Likewise, I'm not changing jobs and moving because he doesn't want to....I mean right now it wouldn't make any sense for me to give up a good state job that is stable because he's scared of change, and I get it, believe me, the thought of me walking from my current job to move to Atlanta with my now ex was a scary prospect and one that didn't really make sense to me so I didn't do it. I am also not expecting him to walk from his current job and just get a place with me. That would take more time to get to know each other and make sure we're communicating effectively and finally prepare to do that. Frankly, communication has been a big problem in both my experience and from what I typically see.

I know it's difficult being the one to support others when mentally you probably feel you could do with the support yourself. But from one random internet stranger to another, you're doing a great job and I'm proud of you.

My apologies if I've misunderstood or missed anything.

Well thanks. For me it is easier to give advice than to ask for it. Sometimes people do post stuff that is just beyond my knowledge and I tend to stay away from those. I mean people ask some very personal questions or advice and I think people should be able to seek such in a safe environment. About a month or so ago we had a troll on here who was just nasty to everyone, posting transphobic shit and so forth. He either finally got bored and went away or Andy did something about it.

[InbetweenDreams]

So here's an update, not that much that I've already talked about has changed but some new stuff. So he has to put in a month ahead of time to take his Sunday's off, he already gets Fri & Sat and I work 4 days work weeks. Just to explain that up front. I also made plans to visit my sister but between that and him changing his schedule this month (he originally had different days off) it gets confusing. I think he originally had this and last weekend off, I don't quite remember but he felt that was too close together. All that while I'm trying to figure out what my sister's schedule is because she's got plans at the end of the month. It is difficult to plan out what I'm doing on a monthly basis.

So it turned out that my plans to see my sister and to go see him are on the same weekend. No problem, he's told me he wanted to go meet my sister and so on so I asked her if I could bring him... Well, there's one big problem. My brother in-law has cancer (a rare, slow growing type that I know nothing about) and he is going to be starting chemo sometime in the near future, might be a few months away... and my partner I'm suppose to bring has not gotten vaccinated. Now, despite anyone's opinions about COVID, getting vaccinated, understand it is going to be my sister's wishes and I am in total agreement that he should be vaccinated around someone who has cancer, is immunosuppressed, etc. Nor am I going to risk doing something that would jeopardize my sister, her husband or my niece's well being. So, since getting vaccinated is something he'll likely not do, I guess he'll have to stay home that weekend because I don't get to see my sister, or my niece very often or for very long. They live across the state, about 420 miles (675km) away. So I am not going to pass chances to see them.

Hopefully I have given enough context here to ask the question. Am I being selfish if I choose to go visit my sister instead of him?

The other thing that is a little annoying, and this is just me bitching because some people including myself don't like to make choices. But it is just that, I almost always have to choose and decide everything. Here's an example. He's been wanting to go stay in a cabin for a weekend with me. He's not looked up any places or talked about what all he wants to do so that leaves me having to figure everything out. So I did. Planned a trip in November to go stay in a cabin. He also wants to go to the Corvette Museum in Kentucky, I told him that he needs to be the one to decide when, where, how on that. The only thing I asked was that we also be able to go to Mammoth Cave which is near the Museum near Bowling Green, KY. Like, I am willing to go do these things but he needs to tell me when, how much it is going to cost, etc. instead of having me figure everything out for him. I know some people just aren't for making choices but I feel it is more of him just being lazy and a procrastinator. Now, I'm a bit of a procrastinator myself but it seems that the difference is that there are things I just get done, like the vaccine stuff, planning a trip, etc. but I need to put a load of bath towels in the washer and I have put that off for a few days.

I feel like there is just so many things that would only require a small to moderate amount of effort to make his life better. Another example. He has psoriasis, and he has it kind of bad in his scalp. I know it is not his fault and I have gotten used to that, it is not a deal breaker for me. But, he could, if he chose to, go see a dermatologist and find out if about medications or treatment options that his insurance covers and that he could afford. Same with his job situation.

I don't know that all my frustrations are necessarily dealbreakers but definitely things that I either just need to accept or deal with them and navigate through them.