Little Tommy was doing very poorly in maths.
His parents tried everything...tutors, flash cards, special learning centres
...In short, everything they could think of to improve Tommy's grades - just wasn't working !.
As a last ditch effort, they enrolled Tommy in the local Catholic School .
After Tommy's first day at the new school, he came home with a very serious look on his face. He didn't even kiss his mother hello, but walked straight to his room and started studying. Books and paper were soon spread out all over the room with Tommy hard at work.
His mother was amazed. She called him down to dinner, and to her shock, the minute he was done, he marched right back to his room without a word and started hitting the books as hard as before. This went on day after day while his mother tried to understand what was making the difference. Fi! nally, little Tommy brought home his report card. He placed it quietly on the table and walked directly to his room to hit the books again. With great curiosity, Tommy's mom opened the report card, and to her delight, little Tommy got an A+ in math! She had to know why the Catholic School had made such a difference, so she went to Tommy's room.
"So, what was it? Was it the nuns?" she asked. Little Tommy kept his eyes on the ground and shook his head "No."
"Was it the books...the discipline, the structure, the uniforms?" Little Tommy again shook his head "No".
"Then what was it?"
Little Tommy looked at her, with a fearful expression on his face, and finally answered. "Well, on the first day of school, when I saw that guy nailed to the plus sign, I knew they weren't fu*king around."
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I loved that, thanks.
Fred
Life is what happens while you are busy making other plans.
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Thank you Fred, here is some more.
A married Irishman went into the confessional and said to his Priest, "I almost had an affair with another woman."
The priest said, "What do you mean, almost?"
The Irishman said, "Well, we got undressed and rubbed together, but then I stopped."
The priest said, "Rubbing together is the same as putting it in. You're not to see that woman again. For your penance, say five Hail Mary's and put $50 in the poor box."
The Irishman left the confessional, said his prayers, and then walked over to the poor box. He paused for a moment and then started to leave.
The priest, who was watching, quickly ran over to him saying, "I saw that. You didn't put any money in the poor box!"
The Irishman replied, "Yeah, but I rubbed the $50 on the box, and according to you, that's the same as putting it in!"
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An elderly man walks into a confessional.
The following conversation ensues:
Man: "I am 92 years old, have a wonderful wife of 70 years, many children, grandchildren, and great grandchildren. Yesterday, I picked up two college girls, hitchhiking. We went to a motel, where I had sex with each of them three times."
Priest: "Are you sorry for your sins?"
Man: "What sins?"
Priest: "What kind of a Catholic are you?"
Man: "I'm Jewish."
Priest: "Why are you telling me all this?"
Man: "I'm 92 years old. I'm telling everybody!!"
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An Arab has spent many days crossing the desert without finding a source of
water. It gets so bad that his camel dies of thirst. He's crawling through
the sands, certain that he has breathed his last breath when all of a sudden
he sees a shiny object sticking out of the sand several yards ahead of
him. He crawls to the object, pulls it out of the sand, and discovers that
he has a Manichevitz wine bottle. It appears that there may be a drop or two
left in the bottle, so he unscrews the top and out pops a genie.....appears
to be a Chasidic Rabbi, complete with black alpaca coat, black hat, side
curls, etc.,
"Well kid," says the genie." You know how it works. You have three wishes.
" I'm not going to trust you,' says the Arab. "I'm not going to trust a
Jewish genie!"
"What have you got to lose? It looks like you're a goner anyway!"
The Arab thinks about this for a minute, and decides that the genie is
right.
"Okay, I wish I were in a lush oasis with plentiful food and drink."
*****POOF*****
The Arab finds himself in the most beautiful oasis he has ever seen and he
is surrounded with jugs of wine and platters of delicacies..
"Okay kid, what's your second wish?"
"My second wish is that I was rich beyond my wildest dreams."
*****POOF*****
The Arab finds himself surrounded by treasure chests filled with rare old
coins and precious gems.
"Okay kid, you have just one more wish. Better make it a good one!"
After thinking for a few minutes, the Arab says, "I wish that no matter
where I go beautiful women will always need and want me!!!"
*****POOF*****
He is turned into a tampon.
THE MORAL OF THE STORY:
If you do business with a Jewish genie, there's going to be a string
attached.
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Another church joke for you all.
Mary Clancy goes up to Father O'Grady after his Sunday morning mass. and she's in tears.
He says, "So what's bothering you, Mary my dear?"
She says, "Oh, Father, I've got terrible news. My husband passed away last night."
The priest says, "Oh, Mary,that's terrible. Tell me, Mary, did he have any last requests?"
She says, "That he did, Father..
"The priest says, "What did he ask, Mary?
" She says, "He said, 'Please Mary, put down that damn gun...'
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Wow, just sublime guys, awesome, awsome, awesome concentration of the best jokes I've read in my entire life... just superb.Thank, you, thank you, thank... you!
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A frog goes into a bank and approaches the clerk. He can see from her nameplate that her name is Patricia Whack.
"Miss Whack, I'd like to get a £30,000 loan to take a holiday."
Patty looks at the frog in disbelief and asks his name. The frog says his name is Kermit Jagger, his dad is Mick Jagger, and that it's okay, he knows the bank manager. Patty explains that he will need to secure the loan with some collateral.
The frog says, "Sure. I have this," and produces a tiny porcelain elephant, about an inch tall, bright pink and perfectly formed.
Very confused, Patty explains that she'll have to consult with the bank manager and disappears into a back office.
She finds the manager and says, "There's a frog called Kermit Jagger out there who claims to know you and wants to borrow £30,000, and he wants to use this as collateral."
She holds up the tiny pink elephant. "I mean, what in the world is this?"
(you’re going to love this)
The bank manager looks back at her and says...
"It's a knick-knack, Patty Whack. Give the frog a loan. His old man's a Rolling Stone."
(You're singing it, aren't you? Yeah, I know you are.....!)
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A man suffered a serious heart attack and had an open-heart bypass surgery. He awakened from the surgery to find himself in the care of nuns at a Catholic hospital. As he was recovering, a nun asked him question regarding how he would like to pay for his treatment. She asked if he had health insurance.
He replied in a raspy voice "No health insurance".
The nun asked if he had money in the bank.
He replied "No money in the bank".
The nun asked "Do you have a relative who could help you?"
He said "I only have a spinster sister, who is a nun".
The nun became agitated and announced loudly, "Nuns are not spinsters, nuns are married to God!"
The patient then replied, "OK Send the bill to my brother-in-law."
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A stranger was seated next to little Johnny on the plane.
The stranger turned to little Johnny and said, "Let's talk.I've heard that flights will go quicker if you strike up a conversation with your fellow passenger."
Little Johnny, who had just opened his book, closed it slowly, and said to the stranger, "What would you like to discuss?"
"Oh, I don't know," said the stranger. "How about nuclear power?"
"OK," said little Johnny. "That could be an interesting topic. But let me ask you a question first. A horse, a cow, and a deer all eat grass.
The same stuff. Yet a deer excretes little pellets, while a cow turns out a flat patty, and a horse produces clumps of dried grass. Why do you suppose that is?"
"Jeez," said the stranger. "I have no idea."
"Well, then," said little Johnny, "How is it that you feel qualified to discuss nuclear power, when you don't know shit?"
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