Cinderella & Her Cat
Cinderella was now 75 years old. After a fulfilling life with the now dead
Prince, she happily sat upon her rocking chair, watching the world go by
from her front porch, with a cat called Leon for companionship.
One sunny afternoon, out of nowhere, appeared the Fairy Godmother.
Cinderella said "Fairy Godmother, what are you doing here after all these
years?"
The Fairy Godmother replied "Well Cinderella, since you have lived a good,
wholesome life since we last met, I have decided to grant you 3 wishes. Is
there anything for which your heart still yearns?"
Cinderella is taken aback, overjoyed and after some thoughtful
consideration and almost under her breath she uttered her first wish: "I
wish I was wealthy beyond comprehension."
Instantly, her rocking chair was turned into solid gold. Cinderella was
stunned. Leon, her old faithful cat, jumped off
her lap and scampered to the edge of the porch, quivering with fear.
Cinderella said "Oh thank you, Fairy Godmother".
The Fairy Godmother replied "It is the least I can do. What does your heart
yearn for next?"
Cinderella looked down at her frail body, and said: "I wish I was young and
full of the beauty of youth again".
At once, her wish having been desired, became reality, and her beautiful
youthful visage had returned. Cinderella felt stirrings inside her that had
been dormant for years and long forgotten vigour and vitality began to
course through her
very soul.
Then the Fairy Godmother again spoke "You have one more wish, what shall
you have?"
Cinderella looked over to the frightened cat in the corner and said: "I wish
you to transform Leon my old cat into a beautiful and handsome young man".
Magically, Leon suddenly underwent so fundamental a change in his biological
make-up, that when complete he stood before her, a boy, so beautiful the
like of which she nor the world had ever seen, so fair indeed that birds
begun to fall from the sky at his feet.
The Fairy Godmother again spoke: "Congratulations, Cinderella. Enjoy your
new life."
And, with a blazing shock of bright blue electricity, she was gone. For a
few eerie moments, Leon and Cinderella looked into each other's eyes.
Cinderella sat, breathless, gazing at the most stunningly perfect boy she
had ever seen. Then Leon walked over to Cinderella, who sat transfixed in
her rocking chair, and held her close in his young muscular arms.
He leant in close to her, and into her ear breathed as much as whispered,
blowing her golden hair with his warm breath, "I bet you regret having my
b*****ks chopped off now, don't you?"
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Hi Rychard, welcome back. We've missed you 
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Thanks marsh, been busy with some business projects. but I will try and keep posting some good jokes for you all. 
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A couple go on vacation to a fishing resort in northern Maroochydore. The
husband likes to fish at the crack of dawn.
The wife likes to read.
One morning the husband returns after several hours of fishing and decides
to take a nap. Although not familiar with the lake, the wife decides to take
the boat out. She motors out a short distance, anchors, and continues to
read her book.
Along comes a fisheries patrol officer in his boat.
He pulls up alongside the woman and says, "Good morning, Ma'am. What are
you doing?"
"Reading a book," she replies, (thinking "isn't that obvious?")
"You're in a restricted fishing area," he informs her.
"I'm sorry, officer, but I'm not fishing; I'm reading."
"Yes, but you have all the equipment. I'll have to take you in and write you
up."
"If you do that, I'll have to charge you with sexual assault," says the
woman.
"But I haven't even touched you," says the fisheries rep.
"That's true, but you have all the equipment."
MORAL: Never argue with a woman who reads. It's likely she can also think!
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Law of Mechanical Repair - After your hands become coated with grease, your nose will begin to itch and you'll have to pee.
Law of Gravity - Any tool, when dropped, will roll to the least accessible corner.
Law of Probability -The probability of being watched is directly proportional to the stupidity of your act.
Law of Random Numbers - If you dial a wrong number someone always answers.
Variation Law - If you change lines (or traffic lanes), the one you were in will always move faster than the one you are in now (works every time).
Law of the Bath - When the body is fully immersed in water, the telephone rings.
Law of Close Encounters -The probability of meeting someone you know increases dramatically when you are with someone you don't want to be seen with.
Law of the Result - When you try to prove to someone that a machine won't work, it will.
Law of Biomechanics - The severity of the itch is inversely proportional to the reach.
Law of the Theater - At any event, the people whose seats are furthest from the aisle arrive last.
Murphy's Law of Lockers - If there are only two people in a locker room, they will have adjacent lockers.
Law of Physical Surfaces - The chances of an open-faced sandwich landing face down on a floor covering are directly correlated to the newness and cost of the carpet/rug.
Brown's Law of Physical Appearance - If the clothes fit, they're ugly.
Wilson's Law of Commercial Marketing Strategy - As soon as you find a product that you really like, they will stop making it.
Doctors' Law - If you don't feel well, make an appointment to go to the doctor, by the time you get there you'll feel better. Don't make an appointment and you'll stay sick.
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We've all had trouble with our animals, but I don't think anyone can top this one:
Calling in sick to work makes me uncomfortable. No matter how legitimate my excuse, I always get the feeling that my boss thinks I'm lying.
On one recent occasion, I had a valid reason but lied anyway, because the truth was just too darned humiliating. I simply mentioned that I had sustained a head injury, and I hoped I would feel up to coming in the next day. By then, I reasoned, I could think up a doozy to explain the bandage on the top of my head. The accident occurred mainly because I had given in to my wife's wishes to adopt a cute little kitten.
Initially, the new acquisition was no problem.
Then one morning, I was taking my shower after breakfast when I heard my wife, Deb, call out to me from the kitchen.
'Honey! The garbage disposal is dead again. Please come reset it.'
'You know where the button is,' I protested through the shower pitter-patter and steam. 'Reset it yourself!'
'But I'm scared!' she persisted. 'What if it starts going and sucks me in?' There was a meaningful pause and then, 'C'mon, it'll only take you a second.'
So out I came, dripping wet and butt naked, hoping that my silent outraged nudity would make a statement about how I perceived her behaviour as extremely cowardly. Sighing loudly, I squatted down and stuck my head under the sink to find the button.
It is the last action I remember performing.
It struck without warning, and without any respect to my circumstances. No, it wasn't the hexed disposal, drawing me into its gnashing metal teeth. It was our new kitten, who discovered the fascinating dangling objects she spied hanging between my legs. She had been poised around the corner and stalked me as I reached under the sink. And, at the precise moment when I was most vulnerable, she leapt at the toys I unwittingly offered and snagged them with her needle-like claws. I lost all rational thought to control orderly bodily movements, blindly rising at a violent rate of speed, with the full weight of a kitten hanging from my masculine region.
Wild animals are sometimes faced with a 'fight or flight' syndrome. Men, in this predicament, choose only the 'flight' option. I know this from experience. I was fleeing straight up into the air when the sink and cabinet bluntly and forcefully impeded my ascent.
The impact knocked me out cold.
When I awoke, my wife and the paramedics stood over me. Now there are not many things in this life worse than finding oneself lying on the kitchen floor butt naked in front of a group of 'been-there, done-that' paramedics. Even worse, having been fully briefed by my wife, the paramedics were all snorting loudly as they tried to conduct their work, all the while trying to suppress their hysterical laughter......and not succeeding.
Somehow I lived through it all. A few days later I finally made it back in to the office, where colleagues tried to coax an explanation out of me about my head injury. I kept silent, claiming it was too painful to talk about, which it was.
'What's the matter?' They all asked, 'Cat got your tongue?'
If they only knew!
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Surgery, Five surgeons are talking.
No.1 The first, an Ontario surgeon, says: " I like to see accountants on my
operating table, because when you open them up, everything inside is
numbered. "
No.2 The second, a Quebec surgeon, responds: " Yeah, but you should try
electricians. Everything inside of them is colour coded. "
No.3 The third, a B.C. surgeon, says: " No, I really think librarians are the
best, everything inside of them is in alphabetical order. "
No.4 The fourth, an Alberta surgeon, chimes in: " You know, I like
construction workers.... those guys always understand when you have a few parts left over. "
No.5 But, the fifth, a Newfoundland surgeon, shut them all up when he
observed: " You're all wrong. Politicians are the easiest to operate on.
There's no guts, no heart, no balls, no brains, and no spine, -- and the
head and the ass are interchangeable. "
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SEX AFTER DEATH
A couple made a deal that whoever died first would come back and inform the other if there is sex after death.
Their biggest fear was that there was no after life at all.
After a long life together, the husband was the first to die.
True to his word, he made the first contact:
" Marion ... Marion "
"Is that you, Bob?"
"Yes, I've come back like we agreed."
"That's wonderful! What's it like?"
"Well, I get up in the morning, I have sex. I have breakfast and then it's off to the golf course.
I have sex again, bathe in the warm sun and then have sex a couple of more times.
Then I have lunch (you'd be proud - lots of greens). Another romp around the golf course, then pretty much have sex the rest of the afternoon. After supper, it's back to golf course again.
Then it's more sex until late at night. I catch some much needed sleep and then the next day it starts all over again"
"Oh, Bob are you in Heaven?"
"No........... I'm a rabbit in Arizona
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How fast can you guess these words?
1. F_ _K
2. PU_S_
3. S_X
4. P_N_S
5. BOO_S
6. _ _NDOM
Answers:
1. FORK
2. PULSE
3. SIX
4. PANTS
5. BOOKS
6. RANDOM
You got all 6 wrong....didn't you?
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You may or may not have seen some of the following News headlines:
"Something Went Wrong in Jet Crash, Expert Says"
No, really?
"Police Begin Campaign to Run Down Jaywalkers"
Now that's taking things a bit far!
"Man Kills Self Before Shooting Wife and Daughter "
Someone caught this in the SGV Tribune the other day and called the Editorial Room and asked, who wrote this? It took two or three readings before the editor realized that what he was reading was impossible!!! They put in a correction the next day.
"Panda Mating Fails; Veterinarian Takes Over"
What a guy!
"Miners Refuse to Work after Death"
No-good-for-nothing lazy so-and-so's!
"Juvenile Court to Try Shooting Defendant"
See if that works any better than a fair trial!
"War Dims Hope for Peace"
I can see where it might have that effect!
"If Strike Isn't Settled Quickly, It May Last Awhile"
Ya think?!
"Cold Wave Linked to Temperatures"
Who would have thought that!
"Enfield (London) Couple Slain; Police Suspect Homicide"
They may be on to something!
"Red Tape Holds Up New Bridges"
You mean there's something stronger than duct tape?!
"Man Struck By Lightning: Faces Battery Charge"
He probably IS the battery charge
"New Study of Obesity Looks for Larger Test Group"
Weren't they fat enough for them?!
"Astronaut Takes Blame for Gas in Spacecraft"
That's what they get for eating beans!
"Kids Make Nutritious Snacks"
I wonder do they taste like chicken?
"Local High School Dropouts Cut in Half"
The chainsaw massacre all over again!
"Hospitals are Sued by 7 Foot Doctors"
Boy, are they tall!
And the winner of them all is....
"Typhoon Rips Through Cemetery; Hundreds Dead"
Did I read that right?
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