Random Jokes

[Rychard the Lionheart]

Important Stuff you might not know.

If you yelled for 8 years, 7 months and 6 days you would have produced
enough sound energy to heat one cup of coffee.
(Hardly seems worth it.)
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If you farted consistently for 6 years and 9 months, enough gas is
produced to create the energy of an atomic bomb.
(Now that's more like it!)
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The human heart creates enough pressure when it pumps out of the
body to squirt blood 30 feet.
(O.M.G.!)
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A pig's orgasm lasts 30 minutes.
(In my next life, I want to be a pig.)
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A cockroach will live nine days without its head before it starves to
death.
(Creepy.)
(I'm still not over the pig.)
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Banging your head against a wall uses 150 calories an hour.
(Do not try this at home...maybe at work.)
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The male praying mantis cannot copulate while its head is attached to its
body. The female initiates sex by ripping the male's head off.
("Honey, I'm home. What the....?!")
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The flea can jump 350 times its body length.
It's like a human jumping the length of a football field.
(30 minutes...can you imagine??)
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The catfish has over 27,000 taste buds.
(What could be so tasty on the bottom of a pond?)
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Some lions mate over 50 times a day.
(I still want to be a pig in my next life...quality over quantity.)
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Butterflies taste with their feet.
(Something I always wanted to know.)
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The strongest muscle in the body is the tongue.
(Hmmmmmm........)
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Right-handed people live, on average, nine years longer than
left-handed people do.
(If you're ambidextrous, do you split the difference?)
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Elephants are the only animal that cannot jump.
(OK, so that would be a good thing....)
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A cat's urine glows under a black light.
(I wonder who was paid to figure that out?)
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An ostrich's eye is bigger than its brain.
(I know some people like that.)
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Starfish have no brains.
(I know some people like that too.)
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Polar bears are left-handed.
(Who knew? Who cares!)
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Humans and dolphins are the only species that have sex for pleasure.
(What about that pig??)
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[Rychard the Lionheart]

A man went to visit his 90 year old grandfather in a very secluded, rural
area of the state he lived in.
After spending the night, his grandfather prepared breakfast for him
consisting of eggs and bacon. He noticed a film like substance on his plate
and he questioned, "Grandfather, are these plates clean?"
His grandfather replied.... "those plates are as clean as cold water can get
them, so go on and finish your meal."
Later on that after noon, while eating the hamburgers his grandfather made
for lunch, he noticed tiny specks around the edge of his plate, and a
substance that looked like dried egg yokes....so he asked again..
"Grandfather, are you sure these plates are clean?"
Without looking up from his hamburger, the grandfather says......"I told you
before, those dishes are as clean as cold water can get them, now don't ask
me about it anymore!"
Still later on that afternoon, he decided to get dinner in a nearby town.
As he was leaving, his Grandfather's dog started to growl and would not let
him pass .... "Grandfather, your dog won't let me out."
Without diverting his attention from the baseball game he was watching, he
shouted........

" COLDWATER, GET YOUR ASS OUT OF THE WAY!"

[mikey12561]

A man went to visit his 90 year old grandfather in a very secluded, rural
area of the state he lived in.
After spending the night, his grandfather prepared breakfast for him
consisting of eggs and bacon. He noticed a film like substance on his plate
and he questioned, "Grandfather, are these plates clean?"
His grandfather replied.... "those plates are as clean as cold water can get
them, so go on and finish your meal."
Later on that after noon, while eating the hamburgers his grandfather made
for lunch, he noticed tiny specks around the edge of his plate, and a
substance that looked like dried egg yokes....so he asked again..
"Grandfather, are you sure these plates are clean?"
Without looking up from his hamburger, the grandfather says......"I told you
before, those dishes are as clean as cold water can get them, now don't ask
me about it anymore!"
Still later on that afternoon, he decided to get dinner in a nearby town.
As he was leaving, his Grandfather's dog started to growl and would not let
him pass .... "Grandfather, your dog won't let me out."
Without diverting his attention from the baseball game he was watching, he
shouted........

" COLDWATER, GET YOUR ASS OUT OF THE WAY!"

That is bad.

[libertylove4]

That is bad.

I thought it was rather entertaining

[Rychard the Lionheart]

Disorder in the Court.

These are from a book called Disorder in the Court. They are things people actually said in court, word for word, taken down and now published by court reporters - who had the torment of staying calm while these exchanges were actually taking place. Some of these are excellent - don't miss the
last one.

Q: What is your date of birth?
A: July fifteenth.
Q: What year?
A: Every year.

Q: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact?
A: Gucci sweats and Reeboks.

Q: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all?
A: Yes.
Q: And in what ways does it affect your memory?
A: I forget.
Q: You forget. Can you give us an example of something that you've forgotten?

Q: How old is your son, the one living with you?
A: Thirty-eight or thirty-five, I can't remember which.
Q: How long has he lived with you?
A: Forty-five years.

Q: What was the first thing your husband said to you that morning?
A: He said, 'Where am I, Cathy?'
Q: And why did that upset you?
A: My name is Susan.

Q: Do you know if your daughter has ever been involved in voodoo or the occult?
A: We both do.
Q: Voodoo?
A: We do.
Q: You do?
A: Yes, voodoo.

Q: Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn't know about it until the next morning?

Q: The youngest son, the twenty-year old, how old is he?

Q: Were you present when your picture was taken?

Q: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?
A: Yes.
Q: And what were you doing at that time?

Q: She had three children, right?
A: Yes.
Q: How many were boys?
A: None.
Q: Were there any girls?

Q: How was your first marriage terminated?
A: By death
Q: And by whose death was it terminated?

Q: Can you describe the individual?
A: He was about medium height and had a beard.
Q : Was this a male, or a female?

Q: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?
A: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.

Q: Doctor, how many autopsies have you performed on dead people?
A: All my autopsies are performed on dead people.

Q: All your responses must be oral, OK? What school did you go to?
A: Oral.

Q: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?
A: The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m.
Q: And Mr. Dennington was dead at the time?
A: No, he was sitting on the table wondering why I was doing an autopsy.

Q: Are you qualified to give a urine sample?

Q: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?
A: No.
Q: Did you check for blood pressure?
A: No.
Q: Did you check for breathing?
A: No.
Q: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?
A: No.
Q: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
A: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
Q: But could the patient have still been alive, never the less?
A: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practising law somewhere.

[Either-Or]

Hehehe the last one is a zinger.

[marshlander]

A man goes to a Pacific island for a holiday. As the boat nears, he notices the constant sound of drumming. As he gets off the boat, he asks a local woman how long the drumming will go on. She casts about nervously and says, "It's very bad when the drumming stops."

Later that day, the drumming is still going and it is really starting to get to him. So, he asks a local man when the drumming will stop. He looks as if he's just been spooked. "It's very bad when the drumming stops," he says, and hurries off.

After a couple of days with little sleep, the man had had enough. He grabbed the first local person he saw, slammed him up against a tree, and shouted, "What happens when the drumming stops?!"

The poor man replied, "Bass solo."

[Rychard the Lionheart]

In 1993, the American Government funded a study to see why the head of a man's penis was larger than the shaft.

After six years and $100,000,000, they concluded that the reason the head
was larger than the shaft was to give the man more pleasure during sex.

After the US published the study, France decided to do their own study.

After $50,000,000, and 3 years of research, they concluded that the reason was to give the woman more pleasure during sex.

Australia, unsatisfied with these findings, conducted their own study.

After 2 weeks and a cost of around $75.46, and 2 cases of beer, they
concluded that it was to keep a man's hand from flying off and hitting
himself in the forehead.

[Rychard the Lionheart]

Muldoon lived alone in the Irish countryside with only a pet dog for company.
One day the dog died, and Muldoon went to the parish priest and asked, "Father, my dog is dead. Could ya' be saying' a mass for the poor creature?"
Father Patrick replied, "I'm afraid not; we cannot have services for an animal in the church. But there are some Baptists down the lane, and there's no tellin' what they believe. Maybe they'll do something for the creature."
Muldoon said, "I'll go right away Father. Do ya 'think $5,000 is enough to donate to them for the service?"
Father Patrick exclaimed, "Sweet Mary, Mother of Jesus! Why didn't ya tell me the dog was Catholic?"

[Rychard the Lionheart]

According to a news report, a certain private school in Newcastle-upon-Tyne was recently faced with a unique problem. A number of 12 year-old girls were beginning to use lipstick and would put it on in the cloakroom.

That was fine, but after they put on their lipstick they would press their lips to the mirror leaving dozens of little lip prints.

Every night the caretaker would remove them and the next day the girls would kiss them back on.

Finally the Headmistress decided that something had to be done. She called all the girls to the cloakroom and met them there with the maintenance man. She explained that all these lip prints were causing a major problem for the custodian who had to clean the mirrors every night (you can just imagine the yawns from the little Geordie 'Princesses').

To demonstrate how difficult it had been to clean the mirrors, she asked the caretaker to show the girls how much effort was required. He took a long-handled squeegee-mop, dipped it into one of the lavatories, and cleaned the mirror with it.

Since then, no lip-prints have appeared on the mirror.

There are teachers....
...and then there are educators.