Random Jokes

[Rychard the Lionheart]

QUESTION: WHY DID THE CHICKEN CROSS THE ROAD?



SAEED AL SAHAF - The former Iraqi Head of Information.The chicken did not cross the road. This is a complete fabrication.In fact, we do not even have a chicken.



HANS BLIX We have reason to believe there may be potential for this chicken's capability, but we have not yet been allowed to have access to the other side of the road.



COLIN POWELL Now to the left of the screen, you can clearly see the satellite image of the chicken crossing the road.



GEORGE W BUSH We don't care why the chicken crossed the road. We just want to know if the chicken is on our side of the road or not. The chicken is either for us or against us. There is no middle ground.



TONY BLAIR I agree with George.



JOHN HOWARD I agree with George and Tony.



KIM BEAZLEY There is no challenge to the chicken at this stage, but if I were crossing the road ....



SIMON CREAN @#@#!!@ Chicken. No one crosses the @#@#!!@ road without my @#@#!!@ say so. It's time for the chicken to put up or shut up.



PETER HOLLINGWORTH (Governor-General) I am not aware of any impropriety in the chicken crossing the road. In fact I am led to believe that it was the other way around and the chicken asked for it.



DR SEUSS Did the chicken cross the road? Did he cross it with a toad? Yes, the chicken crossed the road, but why it crossed I've not been told.



MARTIN LUTHER KING, JR I envision a world where all chickens will be free to cross roads without having their motives called into question.



GRANDPA In my day, we didn't ask why the chicken crossed the road. Somebody told us the chicken crossed the road, and that was good enough.



OPRAH Isn't that interesting? In a few moments, we will be Listening to the chicken tell, for the first time, the heart-warming story of how it felt accomplishing its lifelong dream of crossing the road.



JOHN LENNON Imagine all the chickens, crossing all the roads. You may say I'm a dreamer but its not the only hen.



MICHAEL JACKSON There's nothing more wonderful than sharing your life with a chicken.



ARISTOTLE It is the nature of chickens to cross the road.



KARL MARX It was an historic inevitability.



BILL GATES eChicken2003 version 1.0 will not only cross roads, but will lay eggs, file your important documents, and balance your cheque book and internet explorer is an integral part of eChicken.





ALBERT EINSTEIN Did the chicken really cross the road, or did the road move beneath the chicken?



THE BIBLE And God came down from heaven, and he said unto the chicken THOU SHALT CROSS THE ROAD. And the chicken didst cross the road, and there was much rejoicing.





COLONEL SANDERS Did I miss one?



HOMER SIMPSON Mmmmmmmmm c h i c k e n

[Rychard the Lionheart]

HOW TO SPEAK ABOUT WOMEN AND BE POLITICALLY CORRECT:

1. She is not a BABE or a CHICK - She is a BREASTED CITIZEN.
2. She is not EASY - She is HORIZONTALLY ACCESSIBLE.
3. She is not DUMB - She is a DETOUR OFF THE INFORMATION SUPERHIGHWAY.
4. She has not BEEN AROUND - She is A PREVIOUSLY ENJOYED COMPANION.
5. She is not an AIRHEAD - She is REALITY IMPAIRED.
6. She does not get DRUNK or TIPSY - She gets CHEMICALLY INCONVENIENCED.
7. She is not HORNY - She is SEXUALLY FOCUSED.
8. She does not have BREAST IMPLANTS - She is MEDICALLY ENHANCED.
9. She does not NAG YOU - She becomes VERBALLY REPETITIVE.
10. She is not a SLUT - She is SEXUALLY EXTROVERTED.
11. She does not have PREMIER LEAGUE HOOTERS - She is PECTORALLY SUPERIOR.
12. She is not a TWO-BIT SLAPPER - She is a LOW COST SERVICE PROVIDER


HOW TO SPEAK ABOUT MEN AND BE POLITICALLY CORRECT:

1. He does not have a BEER GUT - He has developed a LIQUID GRAIN STORAGE FACILITY.
2. He is not a BAD DANCER - He is OVERLY CAUCASIAN.
3. He does not GET LOST ALL THE TIME - He INVESTIGATES ALTERNATIVE DESTINATIONS.
4. He is not BALDING - He is in FOLLICLE REGRESSION.
5. He is not a CRADLE SNATCHER - He prefers GENERATIONALLY DIFFERENTIAL RELATIONSHIPS.
6. He does not get FALLING-DOWN DRUNK - He becomes ACCIDENTALLY HORIZONTAL.
7. He does not act like a TOTAL ASS - He develops a case of RECTAL-CRANIAL INVERSION.
8. He is not a MALE CHAUVINIST PIG - He has SWINE EMPATHY.
9. He is not afraid of COMMITMENT - He is MONOGAMOUSLY CHALLENGED

[Rychard the Lionheart]

[FONT=&quot]The urinal is too high
[/FONT]
[FONT=&quot]
[/FONT]
[FONT=&quot]A group of 2nd, 3rd and 4th graders, accompanied by two female teachers, went on a field trip to the local racetrack to learn about thoroughbred horses.

When it was time to take the children to the bathroom it was decided that the girls would go with one teacher and the boys would go with the other.

The teacher assigned to the boys was waiting outside the men's room when one of the boys came out and told her that none of them could reach the urinal.

Having no choice, she went inside, helped the boys with their pants, and began hoisting the little boys up one by one holding onto their "wee wees" to direct the flow.

As she lifted one, she couldn't help but notice that he was unusually well endowed.

Trying not to show that she was staring, the teacher said, "You must be in the 4th grade."

"No, ma'am, " he replied. "I'm the jockey riding Silver Arrow in the seventh."[/FONT][FONT=&quot][/FONT]

[Rychard the Lionheart]

THE DOG'S DIARY

7 am- Oh boy! A walk! My favorite!

8 am- Oh boy! Dog food! My favorite!

9 am- Oh boy! The kids! My favorite!

Noon- Oh boy! The yard! My favorite!

2 pm- Oh boy! A car ride! My favorite!

3 pm- Oh boy! The kids! My favorite!

4 pm- Oh boy! Playing ball! My favorite!

6 pm- Oh boy! Welcome home Mom! My favorite!

7 pm- Oh boy! Welcome home Dad! My favorite!

8 pm- Oh boy! Dog food! My favorite!

9 pm- Oh boy! Tummy rubs on the couch! My favorite!

11 pm- Oh boy! Sleeping in my people's bed! My favorite!


THE CAT'S DIARY

Day 183 of my captivity...

My captors continued to taunt me with bizarre little dangling objects. They dine lavishly on fresh meat, while I am forced to eat dry cereal. The only thing that keeps me going is the hope of escape, and the mild satisfaction I get from clawing the furniture. Tomorrow I may eat another house plant.

Today my attempt to kill my captors by weaving around their feet while they were walking almost succeeded. Maybe I should try this at the top of the stairs.

In an attempt to disgust and repulse these vile oppressors, I once again induced myself to vomit on their favorite chair - must try this on their bed.

Decapitated a mouse and brought them the headless body in an attempt to make them aware of what I am capable of, and to try to strike fear into their hearts. They only cooed and condescended about what a good little kitty cat I was. This is not working according to plan.

There was some sort of gathering of their accomplices. I was placed in solitary confinement throughout the event. However, I could hear the noise and smell the food. More important, I overheard that my confinement was due to my powers of inducing something called "allergies." Must learn what this is and how to use it to my advantage.

I am convinced the other captives are flunkies and maybe snitches. The dog is routinely released and seems more than happy to return. He is obviously a half-wit.

The bird, on the other hand, has got to be an informant. He speaks with them regularly, and I am certain he reports my every move. Due to his current placement in the metal room, his safety is assured. But I can wait.

It's only a matter of time.

[Rychard the Lionheart]

TOP TWENTY REASONS WHY CHOCOLATE IS BETTER THAN SEX

1) You can always GET chocolate.

2) "If you love me you'll swallow that" has real meaning with chocolate.

3) Chocolate satisfies even when it has gone soft.

4) You can safely have chocolate while you are driving.

5) You can make chocolate last as long as you want it to.

6) You can have chocolate even in front of your mother.

7) If you bite the nuts too hard the chocolate won't mind.

8) Two people of the same sex can have chocolate without being called nasty names.

9) The word "commitment" doesn't scare off chocolate.

10) You can have chocolate on top of your workbench/desk during working hours without upsetting your co-workers.

11) You can ask a stranger for chocolate without getting your face slapped.

12) You don't get hairs in your mouth with chocolate.

13) With chocolate there's no need to fake it.

14) Chocolate doesn't make you pregnant.

15) You can have chocolate at any time of the month.

16) Good chocolate is easy to find.

17) You can have as many kinds of chocolate as you can handle.

18) You are never too young or too old for chocolate.

19) When you have chocolate it doesn't keep your neighbors awake.

20) With chocolate size doesn't matter

[fredv3b]

10) You can have chocolate on top of your workbench/desk during working hours without upsetting your co-workers.

Strange office, where no-one is on a diet.

[prinnydood]

What's green and has wheels?






Grass. I lied about the wheels.

[princealbertofb]

11) You can ask a stranger for chocolate without getting your face slapped.

Actually this one might not pass in Spain so easily, as 'chocolate', I've heard, is another word for drugs (hashish)...

[princealbertofb]

[FONT=&quot]The urinal is too high
[/FONT]
[FONT=&quot]
[/FONT][FONT=&quot]
...
"No, ma'am, " he replied. "I'm the jockey riding Silver Arrow in the seventh."[/FONT]

Very Funny, Rychard!

[snoopy]

brilliant stuff mile: